Older kids...

[allgirls]

I have older kids...10 and nearly 14...and it's not so bad...

Here is my dilemma...my 10 year old is afraid of punishment...I do not punish her...however my ex DH was a yeller and had no patience and I believe his way of dealing with the kids made her afraid.

Also she has really no impulse control...if she sees something she wants she takes it...hides it, whatever, has no care for the end result...my current husband says I am too easy on her...she needs to be grounded, sent to her room etc.

This is a child that sending to her room is no biggie...she has an imagination as big as mars...she'd enjoy solitary confinement...she sings, makes up stories and acts them out etc.

Most of what she has difficulty with is respecting other peoples things...I think this stems from her total unmaterialistic opinions..if someone took her things, oh well...so she thinks everyone is the same....I have said things like"what if someone borrowed your bike without asking" she says" I would think they needed my bike" "would you be mad", she says "no, they wouldn't take it if they really didn't need it"

How can you argue this logic...it's absolutely correct.

But other people consider their property important...I am afraid this behaviour will extend into "stealing" but she seems to know that is wrong, borrowing her sisters jeans is not wrong, it's just borrowing.

sorry so long winded but how can I teach her not to touch other people's things...what natural consequences can I use consistantly to teach her the lesson...I don't want to be punitive, I want to teach her.

Help!

[DebraBaker]

You might want to approach the situation by asking her to consider the feelings of the other people involved even if she doesn't share those feelings. Try to cite examples of things she cares about that someone else might not care about (Say a little child would barge in the bathroom when she was bathing, the little child doesn't care about privacy but she does.)

I think getting her to empathise with others even when she doesn't share their viewpoint is a good stretch for her and will help her to grow into a compassionate adult.

Perhaps you could develop a consequence for violating the property rights of others. I'm thinking charging "rent" for the "use" of the object. If she's caught playing with someone's CD (for example) without the owner's consent she would be charged $.50 or $1.00 and then, if she's broke, she would work to earn the money to pay restitiution.

I have older children and this issue has arisen from time to time because a couple of mine had trouble with others' owning things-vs-what is held commonly by the family.

Debra Baker

[LoveBeads]

I don't have older kids but one thought jumped out at me: have you tried taking something from her without her knowledge to see how she would react when she sees that it is missing?

I may be way off base here but I was just curious....

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

I don't have older kids but one thought jumped out at me: have you tried taking something from her without her knowledge to see how she would react when she sees that it is missing?

I may be way off base here but I was just curious....

Yeah, I took away her CD player...she shrugged her shoulders and never asked for it back...I told her why, she said ok and went on with life...I didn't want to do it.

(By the way, Dr. Phil's philosophy about finding their currency~doesn't work with this kid...that CD player is her favourite thing in the world but I could take it away forever and no big deal.(she's a singer)

She would sing acapella

I have had discussions, taken her things as an example, told her how it makes people feel, told her it is wrong forever I have been talking...

I even tried teaching her self control methods...Stop and think kinda methods because part of it is impulse control but nothing seems to be working.

BTW~this child is an absolute delight in every other way...she is so smart, sweet, affectionate, funny, independant, a real easy kid to be around...