FMLA for Partners

[gottaknit]

How long does your partner plan to stay home after the birth of your baby? I assumed DH would take the full legally allowed 12 weeks, since he's got plenty of sick time saved up, and so it would be paycheck as usual. But, when it came up last night he said he only planned to stay home "a week or two".

I think he thinks that since I'll be bf, he won't have anything to do anyway. But this is our first and I have no idea what to expect! It'd be nice to have him around even if it's just to cook, clean, do laundry, and walk the dogs!

I also think this will be the only time in his life when he can take 3 months off work to do nothing but spend time with his child. Since he'll still be getting a paycheck, I don't know why he wouldn't do it. Are men under negative peer-pressure to not take FMLA? What are your partners planning to do?

[Jillerina]

My Dh has not decided just how much time off he'll take. He is allowed over 30 weeks if he chooses but that is at a much reduced pay obviously. I think our decision will be made based on two things 1) How much time off we can afford him taking 2) How much time off he can take without loosing opportunities at his work. Already he has decided NOT to tell management very much in advance that he is taking any parental leave at all becasue he is concerned that they will pass him up for good projects over the Summer. I think he'll end up taking about a month off and then an extended Xmas holiday which will be great.

Perhaps your DH is hesitant about taking a chunk of time off work because he thinks it will effect his position/status/etc. Or maybe he is scared at the thought of being home with a newborn. Or maybe he is concerned that others will think negativly of him for chosing family over work (although whoever feels that way is a jerk anyway). Maybe you need to talk this through some more. I know that I was so thankful that DH was home when Clara was born (he stayed home until she was 5 months old as a result of a well timed layoff!). The first few weeks were so overwhelming, I could barely find time to eat never mind prepare food as well! I'm not trying to scare you by the way, some people are better prepared for what lies ahead

Good luck in your discussions!

[mirthfulmum]

With Alias, DH took 5 weeks off work, and I wish it could've been longer. But we had just bought our condo and had huge credit card debt so it was back to work for him.

The first 6 to 8 weeks after a baby's born are the most overwhelming. You and the baby are learning about each other. And it takes a few weeks before you feel confident that you are understanding one another. And then there's the whole breast feeding. It takes some practice to get the hang of it. Plus it takes a while before you get the routine down (ie. get nursing pillow, get spit-up cloth, get a glass of water, get cordless phone, get book/magazine, make sure you don't have to pee... okay now we're ready to nurse). It is so helpful to have someone in the house at the beginning to lend a hand in case you get trapped under a nursing baby for a few hours. Plus the whole shower thing...

It could be that your husband is feeeling pressure from work to take a limited time off of work. But it also may be like you said, he just dosen't feel like he'll be needed. Let him know that he is essential to you and the new baby. Maybe he'll come around. Although I've found that nothing does the convincing like your new born babe staring up at you with their big blue eyes while they wrap their hand around your finger.

This time DH is taking three months off. He could take up to a year off, at reduced pay, but we just can't afford it. I really want to have as much support as I can get while we transition into a 2 child family.

[gottaknit]

Thanks so much for your input. I was worried that maybe I was being unrealistic, and that maybe men just don't take time off for a baby, but obviously that's not the case!

I think we'll have a good chat about it tonight. I don't think it's so much that he's afraid to be stuck in the house with a new baby, I honestly think that he just doesn't have a clue what's involved. I think he's thinking it will be like getting a new puppy and that I'll be busy, but it won't be such a big deal. He's never even changed a diaper or held a baby, so he really is a newbie! I can't wait to see what he thinks after the first week! :LOL

Thanks again!

[momto l&a]

My dh takes about 3-4 weeks off which is more than enought time for us. He does all cooking and cleaning and most caring for me.

With having 2 children I will need him more than ever as they dont nap and I KNOW I will need naps during the day.

I my dh, he spoils me rotten.

[Piglet68]

DH took 2 weeks off when baby came. I was so worried that I'd need him, I made my mother come to visit us from Canada when he went back.

By that time, I was so well recovered and into the swing of things that we spent the whole week she was here sightseeing, lol.

DH would have stayed at home longer if I had needed him to, but I just didn't.

This time around, DH will be working part time out-of-the-home and part-time at home, so he'll be around. But this time we'll be back home with family, so I'll have more helping hands around if I need them.

[ameliabedelia]

DH only took 3 days off when DD was born. He couldn't really take anymore. He is a teacher, and he wouldn't have gotten paid for many more days off. (and we couldn't afford to lose his salary) He had to use his accumulated sick and personal days (and didn't want to use them all up in case he actually did get sick). I didn't really need him for anymore than that. My mom came right after the birth of DD, and she stayed for a week, so she helped out a lot. I also recovered really fast and was back into the swing of things by a week anyway.

[OakEmber]

I don't know what will happen this time...Dh may even be working from home, but last time he only took a few days off and it was fine...I had my MIL for the first week and then my Mom with me for the second.

Am I the only one that finds life easier when DH is working, LOL?? I mean I love him and all but I just can't do my thing when he's home! Maybe I am just saying this because Dh just got laid off :LOL

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by EmbersMOM

Am I the only one that finds life easier when DH is working, LOL?? I mean I love him and all but I just can't do my thing when he's home! Maybe I am just saying this because Dh just got laid off :LOL

I can totally relate to this. When I'm in the mood for a big cleaning frenzy, I send DH to the park or hiking with the dogs and tell him not to come back for at least two hours! He tends to get underfoot when he tries to "help". :LOL

[Lucysmama]

With dd, he had 1 week off left by the time I got out of the hospital. My c/section recovery was looooong and painful, and I really needed someone around. So anyway...that sucked.


This time, Dh is taking 2 weeks off, unpaid. Hope it's enough, but if it isn't I know to hire a postpartum doula for help now. How I wish we lived in a place with paid parental leave! The USA sucks like that.

[bluehalo]

My DH was home for about a week, and then took another week or so of half days. At that time in our lives though, he was also working a 2nd job and going to school. So just having him working only one job after this new baby will feel like a huge luxury to us :LOL Thinking back, I really don't know how I managed it.

Like EmbersMom, I have a hard time "getting things done" when DH is home. By the time he went back to 1/2 days, that was the perfect balance for us. Once he went back to work full time, I was anxious for him to get home at the end of the day, but I think it was more out of loneliness than me needing the help, yk? I also have my parents fairly close by, and they spent a lot of time with us in the evenings in the early months. But the days were mostly our (Ethan and my) own ... and I liked it.

I'm anticipating needing more help this time around since we already have one child who's needs expand beyond eating/sleeping/having a clean diaper ... so I might expect Kevin to be home a bit longer than he was last time. I really liked the 1/2 day arrangement, and can imagine drawing that out a bit longer this time around. That seemed to be a happy medium for us. I know we're lucky b/c he's only about 10 minutes from work, so he doesn't spend a big chunk of time communting each day. He can even come home for lunch if he wants to ... actually, now that I think of it, that might be a good partial solution too ... long lunches combined w/ 1/2 days. And extra pair of hands in the middle of the day might be perfect after the baby's born.

[Piglet68]

bluehalo: that's exactly what I was thinking, that having my older DD around will mean the extra help can be put to use. DH can take DD to the park or whatever, or family members can, so I can have time alone with baby if needed. And just meeting the needs of two!

[mirthfulmum]

So Nancy, how did the talk with your husband go? Were you two able to reach a compromise?

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by mirthfulmum

So Nancy, how did the talk with your husband go? Were you two able to reach a compromise?

Well here's the update: He committed to 3 weeks, with a possible 4th week if needed.

While talking about it, he came to a couple of realizations. The first being that this WILL be the only time he gets to spend uninterupted time with the baby/child without worrying about work. After this, it's likely to only be evenings, weekends, and the once or twice yearly week vacation (which usually involves a busy and stressful cross-country trip to see his family). He really wants to bond with the baby and not be the kind of dad we both had growing up. (ie the dad who goes to work, comes home grumpy, and falls asleep in his chair, then does it all over again the next day.)

The second realization was that this is his legal right and that he shouldn't worry about inconveniencing anyone at work, because this is more important. They inconvenience him every day. (He's a state employee so there's no worry about losing opportunities, etc while being gone. Everything moves slow as molasses in his agency, and management is very paranoid about any kind of discrimination.)

The third realization occured when I had him read the postpartum sections of a few of our birthing books. He didn't know there was a recovery period involved ("You're going to keep bleeding?! We can't have sex for how long?!"), hadn't thought about the sleep deprivation I'll be going through (being the only one in the house with breasts), and hadn't considered the very real possibility of postpartum depression.

So we'll see how it goes, and if I feel great and have everything under control (and he starts to get on my nerves), I'll send him back to work. I'm sure he'll be happy to go by then.

[bluehalo]

Nancy, so glad you guys were able to come to a consensus that you're both happy with

[mirthfulmum]

Sounds like you two are on the same page. I'm happy the conversation worked out.