5 Yr Old Woes

[MamaSoleil]

I just need to hear :This too shall pass.

DD will be 5 June 29th...it's coming quick. Recently, she DOES NOT LISTEN. She virtually ignores us. I'm not an "Obey me now" type parent..but, c'mon, how many times do I need to REPEAT? Ugh. I'm sick of it. It's all I do.
Today, dh picked her up from school, and apparently, there had been a panic, recess was over, and the teacher was doing a headcount, and dd was NOWHERE to be found. They searched, called her name. The whole time, she was hiding under the slide, making a sand castle. Dh said, the teacher got down to dd's level, and explained how scared she was, and worried. And dd was not making eye contact, and just plain, ignoring. She's thinking about something else.
I know she's tired, I know the heat is getting to her. The days are longer, which means she doesn't go to sleep as early as she did in the winter. I know all of this, but I am damn frustrated. And dh is all 'I'm getting worried, she has to learn to listen'. I know he would never hit her, but there's been a lot of yelling, and I just don't know what to do!!!
HELP ME!!!

[Camellia]

I know how you feel. My son is 5.5 and he is *starting* to listen better. Sometimes the problem is that we have been too impatient and lectured too much so he tunes us out. My son is also known for disappearing when recess is over. I'm not sure I have stellar advice as I am new to some GD practices.

*One thing we do when DS ignores us is dh and I will begin a conversation that we know he will want to be a part of. That usually brings him back to us and then we can discuss whatever it is he was ignoring.

*Keeping "lectures" short keeps him from tuning us out.

*Patience and the knowledge that it will pass!

If I think of more I will reply back.

Cheers,

[MamaSoleil]

Thank you Lindsaylou. The lecture thing, is definitely something to look at. I try not to lecture, cause I know it's not gonna work, and will just frustrate me even more...but I have been known to do so...
I also feel like lately all we do is say no...it's such an ugly cycle!

[MamaSoleil]

Bump.

[MamaSoleil]

No one else had words of wisdom for me???

[Camellia]

I thought of something else just now. Since your dd is nearly 5 she can reason fairly well. Have you sat her down during a calm time when she is reseptive and ask her what's going on when she tunes you and her teachers out?

When our son is having some behavior issue like hitting, not listening etc... we can usually find out what is going on in his head by simply asking. However, it does no good to ask him when he is in the midst of the actual behavior. ex.. child has just hit another child. teacher, parent etc... asks "What is going on why do you hit other people?" In my experience the child will just rage more.

When we are cuddling or relaxing at home in the evening we might say something like "So Jackson, I have noticed you have been in trouble a lot at school for hiding and ignoring your teachers...can you tell me whats going on?" He may say, "well, I'm just not done playing" to which I would say "It is very important that the teacher knows where all the children are. So its not a choice to stay out at recess longer." At this point we may delve deeper and find out if he needs more attention from the teacher, or more time for outdoor play etc... We might brainstorm ways that he could get those needs met without hiding and ignoring the teacher.

When my son had these issues it was that he needed more attention from his teachers. We talked to her about it and she made a point to give him an extra hug when she could and spend a bit more time playing with him. Amazingly that solved quite a bit of the problem.

A big key for us was staying in daily contact with his teacher so we knew as many details of his day as possible and could talk with him about things as well as the teacher. Together we brainstormed way to meet his needs and help him learn effective ways to get them met.

I know I have rambled, I am very sleepy but hope I made some sense. In summary, I think your dd is old enough now that a simple heart to heart chat about her behavior would help her feel validated and help her feel more like figure out ways to modify her own behavior.

GL

[Sasha_girl]

I don't have a lot of advice because I'm there myself. Elizabeth does not listen. She's so smart that she thinks she knows more than her father, me, or anyone else. It's tough because I feel like all I ever say is, "Elizabeth, don't do this. I just told you to leave that alone!" Oftentimes she's the most trying of my three, which is frustrating as she's the oldest and Alexander tries to copy her behavior.

The only thing I've found to really help is to explain to her (and Alex) before we go somewhere exactly what behavior I expect of them.

[manitoba_mommy]

For me it would be a respect issue and I would explain it to her as such. It is impolite to ignore people, anyone, when they are speaking to you and then be sure to reinforce that concept when I was there. This is one of those things that is never ok in my house, I hate it when people ignore others because they are too involved or too uninterested, and my kids know that.

Would she react better to the idea that she is to treat others the way she would like to be treated then just being told it is a saftey issue? Maybe stress both with her and then make sure it is reinforced over the summer at every chance? One thing you have to be careful of with this approach is to make sure no one else in the house gets away with no responding when spoken to either.

Best I can do for help today, hope it is food for thought at least!

MM

[MamaSoleil]

Update

Well, I suppose I should update everyone. I was very desperate when I wrote this post. I am surprised, I didn't get more responses..but whatever

Soleil and I have been spending a lot of time alone together. We've been biking, cuddling, and just having carefree time together. I was dead on about the days getting longer...she used to go to bed at 7pm, now it's 9pm. The heat, it's the end of her first yr of school. Still getting used to being a big sister, and her and dh, well, I think they need space from one another. (he's SAHD right now.) He's stressed out about the fact that he hasn't been called back to work yet, he's been off for 6mts now. And I suppose the kids are picking up that, because they are quite different when with him, rather than when with me. I've reminded dh about giving Soleil the space to make up her own mind, about *safe things*. For example, they actually argued over which chair she should sit in, and I was like, REALLY, it's a chair. It's not a big deal, let her make her own choice. That way, when it's the big stuff, she''ll respect, and hear us more. Right now, all she hears is NO NO NO NO NO NO> it's really irritating. So, I think we are getting thru this. I picked up a copy of Colorasso's video, to refresh the two of us. But we've come up with a code word, to say, when one of us is making an issue, out of a non issue, kwim?
Anyway, thank you to those who did respond.
This too, shall pass....

[ja mama]

Thank you. I'm not there yet, but it's nice to hear stories from mom's facing things that will definitely come up for me later. And understanding that she needs a break from the constant directions of someone that's under stress, really shows your resolve to finding the problem, not just fixing the sympton of ignoring.

[arcenciel]

I only just found the thread and I also have problems with 5 yr old tuning out. He even puts his hands over his ears which makes me mad as its so rude. I'm glad I saw your post because it reminded me of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...." and the part about keeping it as short as possible. I know I tend to get into lecture mode and keep going until I get a response but that just makes him tune out even more.

I like the idea of spending time together and I try and find ways he can be more responble - he likes doing things that are difficult and new.

Perhaps I'll do a deal along the lines that "I will not lecture" and at the same time, "I expect you to listen and not put your hands over your ears" - perhaps give him words to use instead, like I hear you mama....

[DebraBaker]

I have a 5YO DD who is usually just wonderful to parent but I've noticed some things that (I hope are) developmental for the age.

She whines.

She does what she wants (I'll say, Please put your toys away and she'll go outside to play)

I'm just ramping up being aware and I don't feed the whineys and will stop her and tell her she's whining and start over with a pleasent voice. I'll also follow through with her regarding the doing what she wants.

She's such a lovely child that I guilt even complaining about her. Last Wednesday I had a friend over and Julianna acted up. She wanted me to empty her little spash splash pool because there was a bug in the water. I told her to simply scoop out the bug and use the water (I'm trying to teach her not to waste water) and to please shut off the water. I would have taken the bug out of the pool myself but I had my friend over. She she just stopmed her food, rolled her eyes (she does this magnifigantly) and huffed outside. A few seconds later I heard the water from the hose shut off and that was the end of the matter. My friend had never seen Julianna in her element before and was amazed.....that that was the worst she gets.

But she's human, five, and I would worry if she wasn't a bit edgy at times.

DB