I am so lost with all of this GD.

[tilly2321]

Today we did our first 10 second time out and I literally almost burst into tears. It was out of pure frustration since our 24 month old would absolutely not listen and knew what he was doing was wrong. We were at my parents' beach house and he was climbing on the coffee table. If it were my house, I would just move it out of the way or put it away, but that is not an option at their house. I have to abide my their rules when I am in their house and don't want to not go all together since DS loves the sand and the ocean. Anyhow, what gets me is that he will climb all over it and try to stand on it and then scream "no" and laugh. We move him off of it, take him into another room, try to distract, but he runs back and wants to climb on it. I know he knows right from wrong. When you run out of options and feel like time out is the only answer, then what do all of you GD veterans do? I feel like a GD failure since I am threatening way more than I want to. "if you don't stop smooshing your crackers and throwing them on the floor, then I will take them away" Is that a threat or OK? It is the truth. I try to say "we don't smoosh our crackers, we eat them" , but that doesn't seem to work. Anyhow, just looking for some pointers for A gd newbie.
Thanks in advance.
Elle

[Embee]

Hang in there Elle!

It's always difficult when you're not in your own living space--abiding by other's rules and such. My way of dealing with things like this is to stay calm, physically remove him, and explain simply the reason why. Then I would try and find something he could climb on... a step stool, a bed, a couch... with supervision of course. Also, at this age, it's usually necessary to distract and engage (i.e., stay focused on him for awhile). Often times, at social events young ones start to feel out of the loop. His repeated behavior is probably just a very normal way of getting your attention and hopefully grabbing it for awhile. Sometimes if I know we'll be attending a social event with mostly adults, I bring a "little something" along for DS to play with (something NEW that is) so that DH and I may at least for a little while, have some adult time. This works wonders!! We went to a wedding (our first with him) and I packed some little plastic animals in his backpack which he had already packed with a few crayons, paper and such. He was so thrilled to see something new that we made it through the wedding beautifully. DS enjoyed himself thoroughly and so did we. Come time for the reception, we could all connect again, talk freely and dance. Win/win!

The second scenario you mentioned could just be a simple matter of giving him one cracker at a time--if he wants it, he'll eat it. If he starts to crumble you can say something like, "You may eat the cracker or we can put the cracker away. You decide." This way you make your standard clear while taking the threat out of the language. Also, giving him the opportunity to make the decision, usually a good route to take. Ds has always had a rough time with "too much on his plate." If I give him to many items, it's overwhelming for him. When he was younger, he would start crumbling right way. I got into the habit of restricting amounts and adding as he asked for them. Much easier for us both and not such a big waste of food!

If it's words you need btw, I highly reccomend How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It sounds to me as if your inner philosophy is right on, but you may lack effective language in getting your philosophy across? I was the very same way, and this book really helped me on this--many MANY examples!

The best and hang in there. It generally starts getting more colorful at two and sometimes takes a while to adjust.

[tilly2321]

great info

Thanks embee,
You are so right. I just have trouble phrasing things and it comes out sounding so much like a threat when could easily turn it around and make it into a choice. thanks for pointing this out to me. I need to get that book that you mentioned. It is on my GD list. I have so many that I need to go through to help me along. Thank goodness for this board and people like you who take the time to type out such a thorough and thoughtful response!
Elle

[chiedza]

Originally Posted by Embee

If he starts to crumble you can say something like, "You may eat the cracker or we can put the cracker away. You decide." This way you make your standard clear while taking the threat out of the language. Also, giving him the opportunity to make the decision, usually a good route to take.

I have also been struggling with not threatening, and this example is similar an exchange my DS and I might have. So what if you give him this choice, and he acts as if he will eat the cracker, but instead crumbles it all over the floor. I tend to then sound punitive ("You said you wanted to eat that! No more crackers for you!"). Can you suggest an alternative? It seems like this happens all the time here -- I give him a choice but he doesn't want either one, or pretends to want one but really continues the undesirable behavior.

[nomadmom]

Originally Posted by chiedza

So what if you give him this choice, and he acts as if he will eat the cracker, but instead crumbles it all over the floor. I tend to then sound punitive ("You said you wanted to eat that! No more crackers for you!"). Can you suggest an alternative?

Instead of saying something threatening or punitive, you could just move on to doing something else. I'd probably say something like, "It seems like you'd rather play than eat, so let's go find something to play."

[tboroson]

Originally Posted by chiedza

I have also been struggling with not threatening, and this example is similar an exchange my DS and I might have. So what if you give him this choice, and he acts as if he will eat the cracker, but instead crumbles it all over the floor. I tend to then sound punitive ("You said you wanted to eat that! No more crackers for you!"). Can you suggest an alternative? It seems like this happens all the time here -- I give him a choice but he doesn't want either one, or pretends to want one but really continues the undesirable behavior.

I usually say something like "Talia, I see that you're playing with your food, not eating it. We don't play with our food - you don't see Mommy and Daddy doing that. Are you done eating? If you are, then we will take your food away." To which she typically looks at me, laughs, and continues playing with the food. At that point I say "Talia, you are finished eating. Your food is going away now." And I take it away. If she fusses for it back, I'll give her one more chance. Sometimes she'll settle down and eat it, other times she's clearly finished and I take it away for good and let her down from her chair to go play. Unless she's really tired, this is usually done with a minimum of conflict - she's initially resistant to my taking command of the situation, but it's directive rather than punitive and she usually scampers off to find some other trouble... I mean play

[pamelamama]

Just because he seems to know it's wrong, doesn't mean he has the self-control not to do it!

[allgirls]

I always took my kids for a walk...rather than a time out...if they were misbehaving I would remove them from the situation by saying..."would you like to go for a walk" then on the walk we would discuss the behaviour but also discuss other things...these walks took 5-10 minutes but distracted, were pleasant and they learned something too..plus we got time together..

[Piglet68]

I agree with pamelamama.

Knowing "right" from "wrong" is one thing (and really, at their age, the only "meaning" to it is defined by you. They likely don't see any inherent difference in writing on a wall versus writing on an easel, other than your differing reactions to it)....but being able to control their impulses is quite another.

[Embee]

Indeed, on Pamelamama's comment, and Piglets second of it: right from wrong is one thing. Impulse control for a toddler is quite another. Very important to keep this in mind.

For the cracker that gets crunched anyway? Just don't serve up another. Keep it light, friendly, silly even: "Well it looks like we're done here. Time to get back to playing then." I keep my feathers (on the outside anyway) decidedly unruffled. The thing is, it's just one more phase in the land of phases and this too shall pass. DS used to chew up his food and spit it out slowly. Especially loved to do this on long road trips in the car. He kept up with the behavior I'm sure because the first several times he did it, I reacted (unecessarily, ineffectively) strongly. Something about this particular phase just really pressed a button for me. Once I laid back and treated it matter of factly however, the behavior ceased to exsist after a few more times.

I have found with DS that sometimes the only way to get through a certain annoying behavior is to ignore it (nose picking--offer a tissue, but don't say a word about the behavior itself), or at the very least, treat it lightly and keep my reactions in the "no skin off my nose" column. (Obviously, I don't use this approach when there has been a major infraction or if safety is involved.)

The best,
Em