What to do whith friends nursing "wrong?"

[Elana]

Today I was at the park and a friend of mine was there. She had a baby 3 weeks ago and has a toddler 1.8 months old.

She nurses of course and nursed her older one till about a year. The thing is, every time I see her, today also, she's there for over an hour and her newborn has a pacifier in his mouth the whole time.

He sucks it and sucks and sucks, gets frustrated, starts to cry and she jumps up and puts it back in. He lies in the stroller most of the time, and she's busy with her older one.

Well, today he was starting to wind up and she was with her son, who was tempertantrumming, so I rocked the stroller, tried to soothe him and tried to console him with the pacifier. Of course, he wasn't happy, so I called her over and said in a joking way - "he's trying to suck some milk out of that paci!!"

She just looked at her watch and said - hungry? no, he shouldn't be hungry yet". At least she picked him up!

I don't know what to say! that poor baby REALLY wanted to nurse. I mean, he lasted for a good hour and a half without! That's way more than my dd's did, till at least 1 yr.!

What can I do to change this?

Then, at some point, she'll claim that he's fussing, not gaining enough weight, etc and that he needs some boost of formula

[loving-my-babies]

I know what you mean. this happened once to me, this girl I know had her baby (3 months old) with her, and the baby was crying hard. my friend kept walking the baby and didn't know why the baby wasn't calming down. I just wanted to scream "feed your baby, she is STARVING".... I didn't, of course, but I was so sad for the baby.

[GeorgiaGalHeidi]

That's a tough one. I know someome IRL JUST like this!!! Her baby is ALWAYS showing hunger cues(sucking on hands, fussing, etc.), but she just does not get it. She does not have him on a schedule, but she does not understand that he CAN be hungry shortly after feeding him, and I have actually seen her end a nursing session when he was not done! This is hard to bring up on the fly. I mean, no mama wants to be told she is making her baby hungry and unhappy. So, wait for an opportune time. For example...once, she asked me why he took so long to latch or refused to latch(just cried at breast), I told her that she may be waiting too long to feed him...reassured her that many many moms may miss those first cues, so as to not make her feel terrible, gave her all the info on what his cues are and how he should not cry, and if he does, she missed them, it is too late, and he is just mad, so he does not latch. Good luck.

[MamaAllNatural]

Only three weeks old and she's scheduling him? Poor baby. I hate seeing newborns hungry. That is so sad. I think the only thing you can do is say things like "Isn't it amazing how often newborns need to nurse?" Or you can relay your personal experiences like, "Oh yes when my dc was a newborn she needed to eat at least once an hour. It was so nice to see her grow so quickly and be so healthy." Also maybe you could make comments about how easy it is to keep the baby happy by nursing and how convenient you found it that pretty much any physical or emotional upset the baby is having can be solved by your breast. I don't know. I guess you could mention that it is recommended that baby's be fed on demand. There are a few different groups that recommend it I believe. Just make sure you don't come off as unsupportive or too judgemental or she probably won't listen to anything you have to say. I don't mean to be judgemental either, but this really makes me sad. All babies ask is to be held and fed.

[Icequeen_in_ak]

I think I would have said "wow... your baby must eat much less often than my baby did, because when she was your babies age, she was eating every hour on the hour". Maybe just throwing out there that newborns "have been known" to eat quite frequently, might give her a subtle reminder????

[soccerchic21]

Wow tough one because you don't want to offend her KWIM? What if you get a brochure or something about on demand breastfeeding and say, "wow look at this information that I found! It is really interesting yada yada yada. I wish I would have know about this when DD was an infant."

[thedevinemissm]

This is so sad. I have many friends brag about how they "taught" their newborns not to want to eat so often. I know one who talked about how they wouldn't feed her more than once every 4 hours. I digress...

I agree that I would mention personal and others experiences that an infant often needs nurse every hour. Might you also suggest a sling??? Perhaps she feels like she's ignoring #1 to care for #2?? If she were wearing #2, there might be more calm altogether.

[rareimer]

just kindly let her know that often babies will want to nurse more often than every 3 or 4 hours. i knew to feed on demand in the beginning, but i honestly did NOT KNOW that she might be hungry 10 minutes, half an hour, an hour after i had nursed her. i thought i was nursing on demand, but when i had "just fed her" and she would cry again, i couldn't figure out what the problem was, because she had JUST ate! once i realized that it WAS possible for her to want to nurse very soon after i had just nursed her, life got much easier. but i just didn't know this, coz everyone told me to only expect her to want to eat every few hours!!!!

[Tiacsophno]

Same thing happened to me. Even sadder, the mom has told me (and others) that she feeds her babies on demand, yet I never saw her feed her newborn until after the baby started to cry. I would hold the baby and she would root and mouth at MY breast and I would say something like, "oh, she looks hungry!" and mom would say, "oh no, she has to wait". She has three other kids who all weaned earlier than she wanted them to.

My solution was to 1) take her to LLL meetings, and 2) buy her a sling as a new baby present. So far it has worked really well. My friend now attends LLL meetings regularly, and gets to hear from a third party some ideas about cue feeding and other stuff, so it's not just me telling her about BFing. And the sling helps her keep the baby close while she runs after her older kids, and because the baby is close, she picks up on the baby's feeding cues more quickly. Baby is 4 months old and I haven't seen her delay feedings or miss cues for quite some time!

[Kiki Runs]

Maybe try to give her a gentle refresher on hunger cues, too. I know when DS was born, I had done tons of reading and KNEW what hunger cues were, but for some reason (new mama sleep deprivation?) didn't connect what I KNEW with what I saw. Thank goodness for my mom, who gently said, "Honey, do you remember what those hunger cues were? 'Cause I think he's hungry!" Ummmm, yeah, those hunger cues were EXACTLY what DS was doing.....duh!!

I felt stupid, and I was NOT trying to schedule him, I just didn't make the connection. And I didnt' have an older child demanding attention. Maybe this mom is trying to be logical instead of watching her child's cues?

I second the sling idea - upon re-reading the OP, it really does sound like she was trying to deal with her older child and logically, it just wasn't "time" for the younger one to eat yet. Maybe if the new babe was in a sling, mama could see that those cries are hunger cries?

Kinsey

[TiredX2]

This has been a pet peeve of mine w/my best mommy friend. I met her when she had already weaned her 1st (her DD & mine were both 16 months at the time). She always talked about how her DD never comfort nursed. Well, now I have seen her REFUSE to comfort nurse her next two Nothing I have said has made the smallest difference (not true, she nursed her next a few more months and didn't intro formula at all). But it is quite clear to me that the reason her children don't comfort nurse is that she refuses to from birth. Oh well, at least she is nursing!

[bec]

Here's a different perspective. Her baby is just three weeks old. Could it be that she just hasn't made the adjustment to two kids yet? Maybe her older child didn't need to nurse very often as a newborn and that is how she thought babie's should be? I know it was difficult for me to adjust to the differences between my two in the beginning.

I agree with the other's advice, however. If you are in this position again, maybe gently say, I think your baby's hungry. And if she says he can't possibly be hungry so soon, just laugh and say, "Oh, babies eat all the time." And tell all the stories you've heard about the baby that eats every 45 minutes, including the 25 minutes spent actually nursing. Oh, and you might offer to watch the toddler, while she stops to feed her baby.



Bec

[gethane]

Sad that is, but like a pp poster said, perhaps she hasn't adjusted to the fact that a new baby has different needs.

My first three kids, now 13, 11, and 10, really, honestly truly, only wanted to eat every 4 hours. Once in a while it was sooner, but mostly, it was 4 hours in between. My poor boobs leaked milked like crazy the whole time I nursed them, because they simply didn't nurse enough. They grew just fine though!

My last baby, now almost 7 months, has always needed to nurse all the time. Still, at 7 months, its not unusual for me to nurse him every 1.5 - 2 hours, or even every hour in the evening before bed.

They have different fathers, i'm 10 years older, who knows why? I don't know. But it can be very jarring when your child is SO different from the other(s).

[monkaha]

I would say something like "when my babes acted like that, it usually worked to nurse them." and then mention that I found the sling really helpful to watch a toddler and nurse at the same time. Make it about you, not about her, so she doesn't get defensive and tune you out. Maybe mention something about how the ladies at LLL helped me a lot, invite her to the next meeting.

Like someone else said, maybe she just needs a refresher on hunger cues. I know I had forgotten all of them by the time DS was born. Fortunately, my midwife had the LC at the hosp come in and see me even though I thought I was doing ok.

Good luck to your friend, once she gets over the shock of having twice as many kids as she's used to, she'll be fine!

[Lilg127]

This is such a huge pet-peeve of mine. Main reason is that I had/have one hungry baby. But he's very lean and energetic and has been even in the womb (Well atleast the energetic part) But so many people told me that I nursed him too often. I admit I nursed all the time in his newborn days. I always chuckle when people say that you nurse a new born every two or three hours like its such hard work... I nurse my almost 10 month old more often than that and he eats a ton of solids now :

I hate the idea of scheduling, feed a baby when he's hungry!! Its not that hard.

[normajean]

I hate it too....

We were passing through and stopped to visit SIL, and she invited us to stay for lunch. Well, it was already 12:30, so I thought it would be something fast, since she has four kids and my son gets hungry well before noon. Well, she made an elaborate meal that took her 1.5 hours to make.

Meantime I was playing with her baby, and I picked up on hunger cues immediately when we got there. I said, "Nathan's got the munchies." And she was like, "oh no, he just ate an hour or so ago." So she's cooking, and I've changed from playing with the baby, to keeping him happy as possible since he's obviously getting more and more hungry. She didn't nurse him until after lunch, a good 2 hours after we got there, Of course, by then he was frantic.

[Elana]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'll definitely try some.

The thing is, I don't know how much she really cares. She's going back to work when her babe's three months old. and then she'll probably pump as much as she can, and then switch to formula. I don't think she'll use a sling, but I'll check it out.

I was just so sad. I really try not to judge, she's such a loving mom and a very nice person.

I think she just can't grasp the concept of ap. It's really just sad!!!

[Wildcrafter]

She may not honestly know.. I agree with other posters about gently relaying their own experiences such about frequent feedings. Maybe mention something about how fast their tiny stomachs digest the good milk and need more so quickly. I did not know a thing about breastfeeding (well, all was forgotten) when I had my son and didn't know that he would comfort nurse, nurse more than every 2 hours, NURSE ALL NIGHT LONG EVERY NIGHT FOR HIS FIRST SIX MONTHS or really anything about it. If some experiences had been shared with me prior to his birth it would have made it easier on both of us. I wouldn't have felt like such a failure or so confused in the beginning. It took some time but my infant taught me all about it. I was lucky to have a little one who was persistent in getting his needs met.