UPDATE- PLEASE READ! Help for a friend in mourning

[IslandMamma]

Hi mamas-

My closest friend on this island lost her mother to a suicide (and now an investigated murder case) back in February. She was so close to her mom, despite being across the country, and it's been devestating to say the least. Slowly, things have been getting "better"...

...Until today. She rec'd a call at 7AM this morning that her younger brother had committed suicide.

Needless to say, her world is ripped apart, and she is just shattered. I have spent all day with her, just holding her while she rages, sobs, shakes... I'm trying to be there, and be strong and yet soft and gentle for her, but I wish I just had *something* I could say to help with the pain. I cooked meals, answered the phone and made calls, and like I said, just held her alot and rubbed her back, but I just feel so HELPLESS.

I left her and her partner tonight after she had fallen asleep. I will be back with her late morning tomorrow.

I have grieved intensely in the past myself, but have never been the main support for someone experiencing such horrible pain. If anyone has ideas, words, anything that might be of help for me to offer her, please share them here, or PM me if you are uncomfortable posting in public.

Thank you so much.

[Kabes]

Almost 10 years ago my mother was murdered. My father is not in the picture and my little bro is the only one I have left. I do still have aunts, uncles, etc-, but my bro is the only one left who was there everyday when I was a kid.

The pain of loosing a mother lke this is unbelievable. I can not imagine losing my bro too!! And so close!! My heart simply breaks for your friend.

You are doing everything right for her. There is nothing to say(IMO)- no ones' situation is exactly the same as hers. It is such a gift to have a friend who is there in spite of the fact that things are uncomfortable. What you are doing suring this time will never be forgotten! Actions speak louder than words.

[lisamarie]

My heart is breaking for your friend. Just as Kabes said, you are doing all the right things and are being a dear friend. I remember when my 1st died by suicide, my close friends did all the things that you are doing. I couldn't have done it w/out them. They were there in the beginning of my grief and also months later during holidays, anniverseries and birthdays. The only thing that I can think of is, have you talked w/her about finding a support group or a therapist? Hugs to you for being such a wonderful friend.

hugs-

lisa

[IslandMamma]

Thanks, mommas. Your words are encouraging. I am about to head over there in a few minutes again, although it's hard. It's like time stands still.

The suicide aspect of it is so difficult... there's no "reason", you know? I mean there is, but-- it's just hard to articulate. The question of "why" seems to loom even larger.

She is already seeing a therapist in regards to her mother's death, which has been very helpful .

I love her so much, and I just want this pain to be gentler on her. I know it is what it is, but my heart breaks for her.

[Joyce in the mts.]

We always wonder if there is more we could be doing...but like others in this thread, I feel you are doing what is possible and what is needed...with love.

I wish your friend strength and peace.

I will be thinking of her and you.

Joyce in the mts.

[pugmadmama]

I am crying, reading of this woman's grief.

In the face of such enormous grief, our gestures can feel so very small. But please know that answering the phone, making meals, and, most of all, just holding your friend are the very things your friend needs most right now.

Be sure to take good care of yourself, as well as taking care of your friend. You and your friend are in my thougts and in my heart.

[IslandMamma]

Thanks again mommas.

She has flown back East to be with (what's left of ) her family.

A few friends and I have plans to clean her house while she's gone and fill it with flowers, homebaked goodies and such when she returns on Monday.

I didn't realized how exhausting being someone's support was until after she left, and I pretty much collapsed.

Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers.

[pugmadmama]

Being someone's support is indeed exhausting. That's why it's so important to take care of you.

I read about how you and some friends are going to clean, cook and leave flowers waiting for her in her home and it just brought tears to my eyes. What a blessing you are to your friend! Even if she can't express that in her grief right now, know that it is true.

[IslandMamma]

Just a small update-

Before she returned home, I organized a work crew of 7 people, and we did so much! We "detailed" her house, stocked the fridge with soup and other easy meals, the freezer with Haagen-Daaz, and filled the house with flowers. In her front yard, we weeded the old flower bed and then filled it with new life!! But the best thing-- they had an old abandoned fenced-in area at their house, and have been talking for months about how wonderful it would be to get a garden going. So I contacted a local organic farmer (with loyal interns), and she agreed to come over this week to till it, work the soil, and start a winter garden! My friend will be out there working the soil too, and planning her garden with helpers. Before we left the house, we hung prayer flags on her porch.

Last night I got a phone call... she was so moved. She was crying, but said for the first time since her brother died, she couldn't stop giggling when she walked in the door. This morning she called again because she could finally see the yard! I know she still has a long way to go with this grief (does it ever end?), but it feels so good to do something.

This morning she said to me, "I believe in angels again". And that was, quite simply, all the thank-you I could ever, ever hope for.

[tracymom]

oh, man, IM. What a group of friends you are. Yes, you are angels. How wonderful. I am so moved.

[applejuice]

Wow! Island Mama! You are the bomb!!

Working the ground is very therapeutic for grief...I have done that and it works...and having people around and having a friend like you to organize is wonderful.

You are an - bless you

[IslandMamma]

UPDATE-- PLEASE READ

Mamas, I'm sitting at my computer stricken with grief. Something about the way she sounded on the phone this afternoon didn't sit right, and when I called her back, no answer. I packed up DS as quickly as I could and raced to her house. To make a long story short, we found her on the verge of unconsciousness, having overdosed. 911 was called, of course, but to give you an idea of how hard that was, I *AM* 911.

This evening, she is still "sleeping" and in the ICU, but the doctors think there is no dire immediate danger. The real test will be the toxicity to her liver. We're pretty sure she took quite a bit of Valium and washed it down with Vodka, but we're still waiting for tests to confirm if that's all she took.

I feel numb, lost, and so, so sad. I would do anything to make her feel better. I'll be at her side tomorrow, and I guess we'll just take this all step by step. But I'm so worried and I feel like we (her partner and friends) can't possibly do enough. Because it wasn't enough before. I also feel guilty because I wasn't at her house when I said I'd be today, and that left her afternoon open for her to do this. (And write a 15 page suicide letter.) I *also* feel guilty that my poor, innocent son had to see such a thing-- the panic initially, and then me working on her until the Aid car arrived. He was distraught. We've spent most of the night playing, cuddling, and nursing. I hope he isn't somehow scarred by this. He's 13 months.

I just feel so lost, and so, well, in pain, even though this isn't about me. I guess if I have a question to pose, it's basically what do I say when she's out? What can I possibly do to convince her that life is worth living? What SHOULD I be saying? My mind is swirling; I hope some of this is making sense.

[tracymom]

Oh, IM!

I don't know what to say! How awful you must feel. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Life happens and you weren't there and there wasn't any way you could have known she would choose to do this.

My gut feeling on your son is that he won't have a conscious memory of it - maybe a little difficulty with anxiety in certain situations - probably not.

Many thoughts your way. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[IslandMamma]

Thank you so much Anna and Tracy.

I was with her all day, and much to my horror, and her partner's, the released her. RELEASED HER! Said she was medically stable, and regretting her actions, and that she didn't warrant a stay. Just to keep a close eye on her.

I'm exhausted, I'm drained, and now, I'm so fearful. Fearful that I can't give her what she needs, that she will do it again and only this time succeed, and that I can't be with her and her partner every minute as support. I have a 13 month old to raise, 2 jobs to work, a house to build... this all feels like a bad dream.

She is meeting with a counselor here on island tomorrow, but that was after I called the counselor and had her move the appt. up from Friday, because honestly, I'm worried about her being stable enough to make it until then.

And I'm so mad at the system for releasing her after 24 hours and a paltry 1 hour session with a social worker. I can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice-- she's not better. She meant her actions, and I do not believe she's had a 180 degree turnaround.

I'm trying to try and find my own stable ground here for her, but I'm so...fatigued. And I'm not religious in a formal sense, but I am praying. Oh, I am praying.

[tracymom]

Me too. Please take care of yourself too. Bless you. I hope she can find the strength within her to keep going.

[pugmadmama]

I'm so sorry, so very sorry. I'm also angry (& fearful) that they released her so soon. It's good she's seeing a couselor but is she also seeing a psychiatrist?

[Ms. Mom]

IM, I'm so sorry you're going throught this. I don't know what to tell you - just be there like you have been and know that you are not in control of other peoples actions.

My father commited suiside a few years ago and the hardes part to accept was that his deamons were stronger than anything I could do for him.

I pray that she'll receive the help she needs and that she'll begin to process what's happend to her and her family.