Question about Deadbeat Dads

[mamafinn]

This is a question for anyone who is, was, or has a friend who is a totally uninvolved father.

What, if anything, do you think of your child? Do you wonder about them? Do you wish you had a relationship with them? What would you tell them if you could?

I realize there will be a huge range of experiences and ideas here, but that is kind of what I'm looking for.

I'm a single mom with an 18mo, so it's not yet an issue for dd. The father hasn't been in contact since she was 10 days old, but I have wondered if he wonders about her (we were together for only 2 months before I became preg. and the pressure of it squashed the romantic relationship. We weren't a good match, and if it hadn't been the pregnancy, something else would have squashed it anyway, so it's not a me/him issue.) I'm not making any judgements here. I just want to hear from a few who have been there what it's about for them.

Thanks and take care,
Brenda

[papabliss]

Hi Mamafinn,

A school buddy of mine had a deadbeat dad and it was a terrible situation for him. His dad did not seem to care at all, and would just make false promises whenever they were together.

If I had to venture a guess here, I would say that the most damage was done through the lies about who cared for who, and what gifts will be given.

I would have been so much easier on my friend if his dad had just said that he did not really care to spend time with that side of the family rather than demonstrating it with lies year after year. A kid only has one dad and there is some internal driving genetic program that wants to believe in dad no matter what. That is why the lies were so painful. There was a deep desire to believe them more than other things.

I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but I cannot believe that any other course is better than complete honesty.

Good luck.

[Rotifer]

The deadbeat dads I know all *care* about their kids.

I think this is, in large part, true. I also am from MT and was abandoned by my father at an early age. Luckily, my mother remarried and my stepfather adopted me. After my wife and I divorced I came to understand the slippery slope deadbeat fathers face. Humans recoil from pain. There is no greater pain a parent can face than being seperated from their child, having this happen on a routine basis (3 or 4 times a month) is wrenching. Some men, I beleive, collapse under the strain or allow themselves to be distracted (as was mentioned above), slowly sliding from their children. I would never allow this to happen with my child. However, I recognize how it could happen to another and it led me to establish contact wiht my biological father. Your situation is slightly different, I would proceed with your life, be honest with your child and allow her to find him if she chooses. Good luck!

[mamafinn]

Thanks for your replies, and your honesty.

Rotifer, your comment about separating on a routine basis reminded me of seeing my own father leave for 2 or 3 months at a time when I was young (he had to work out of state). It was really hard and eventuallly I dreaded the leaving so much that I would resist getting close to him when he returned. So, perhaps I understand "his" side of this more than I thought. Kudos to you for staying committed to your child despite the heartache.

Yammer - Yea, after posting this I thought."well, that was kind of a silly place to ask a question like that," but this is the only internet guy-place I know. Maybe I should try deadbeatdads.com, or ignoreitanditwillgoaway.com or simply denial.com -ha ha

Take care,
Brenda

[Rotifer]

but this is the only internet guy-place I know.

Oh man, try webhostingtalk.com - it is about 99.5% male! Hmmm.... deadbeatdads.com, that would be a good one. Could we zap them with subliminal messages through the screen?

[boobear]

what causes a dad to be absent?

Sigh.. using a term like deadbeat dad greatly sadden me.

on:

Take some time to research how men are short-changed when it comes to custody and pay child support before you use that term again.

The actual reported figure of deadbeat dads is under/around 10% (I believe), I'd really like to see the rate of moodswing-mamas that restrict visitation! and, in some cases, I can see why one would simply opt out rather than put up a costly legal battle that utimately damages the emotional well being of the child. It's just too hard. It's a damn shame that some children grow up fatherless because the mother can't behave responsibly.

off:

I truely hope your situation changes. Try and leave an "open door" for the father with no strings attached, communicate it every 2 weeks or so if you can. Who knows, his parental instincts may kick in after he's seen a few pictures (or even had the chance to hold baby).

As a responsible mom, I suggest that you think about your emotional and financial health and find out what assistance or options you have available. Dad certainly has a financial obligation but that may not be enough.

Good luck to you and your little one.



ps - pardon me for posting here but that subject line just got me.

[ekblad9]

My oldest son has a "deadbeat" dad. I don't know about the other dads but his is truly deadbeat. Once we broke up and I found someone else he had no use for my son. He even went so far as to tell me that it was really only me that he was interested in. I feel no pity for him. He didn't pay child support, went on to get another woman pregnant whom he also left. Luckily my dh adopted ds years ago. I'm thankful that he took off but also feel like no one should feel sorry for him. I'm sure he tells a different story. I tried to get him involved in my son's life but he never showed up.

My dh's dad left when he was 5. He hasn't seen him since. We even invited him to our wedding. He never responded. If a mother did that it would be unthinkable. And yes, I do know a mother that did that. Too bad they didn't have these boards, huh?

Good luck! And don't worry too much. My son knows he was adopted and feels lucky to have a dad. We have a big, wonderful family now.

[DiaperDiva]

http://www.deadbeatdads.net

[Rotifer]

I understand what you are saying boobear, let's not forget that there are deadbeat moms as well. And, my ex-wife is exactly the type of mother you describe. Such individuals will pay an emotional price when their child is older, one can only hope that the child isn't damaged in the long run.

[laralou]

I would like to point out that I don't define deadbeat by who pays child support. My ds's biodad pays child support (actually his parents pay it), but only because it is court ordered and they believe he would go to jail if they didn't.

I define deadbeat as someone who makes no attempt to have a relationship with their child. My ds's biodad in 8 years has seen his son only when his parents pressure him into it. It is *not* a priority to him to have a relationship with his son. His career and love life are much more important to him.

As far as, do they care? My answer would be *not* enough. If you leave the door open, and they make no effort, then they are not worthy of your child. Please don't try to force a relationship. It only sets up hurt feelings for your child in the future when they don't follow through. As much as I hate Dr. Phil, he had great advice on this issue. He said the more you try to force/create a relationship between your child and a parent who doesn't want it enough to do it on his own, the more you are setting your child up to be hurt.

I found this to be true in my own experience.

[Rotifer]

Am I the only one confused by that link?

[Jish]

I think that link is to an online private investigative service. For a fee they will track someone with the information you give them and find them via the great cyberworld.

As for mamafinn's question. I do think you may have a hard time getting the father's point of view on this site. I'm guessing that there aren't too many fathers here that aren't in touch with their children.

Also, as to the term "deadbeat dads." Do we really want to get into an arguement about semantics? I don't think that helps anyone. Heck, governmental agencies and courts use the term all the time. I'm guessing we all knew what she was talking about. I'm pretty sure that we also all know that this isn't just a male thing here, it goes both ways. I think it's sad that we even need to have a term to describe parents (I mean both sexes here) who for all practical terms, physically and/or emotionally abandon their children.

Mamafinn, I hope that you are able to find the information that you are in search of.

[familyman]

my "deadbeat dad" (i had no relationship w/him till my teens and then fairly distant till his death in my thirties)((we both tried but there was a lot of pain and baggage)) but my point is he gave me and my children the greatest gift i can imagine. I WILL NEVER ABANDON MY KIDS. i saw the pain he felt about the choices he made in his youth, i can only imagine the tears he had hearing me call another man dad. i did feel the pain of knowing somehow i was different from my siblings without knowing why( i didnt know i had a different dad till i was 14). so until my kids decide they need a break from me i'm going to be as much of theyre lives as i can. they are the center of my most heartfelt joy and i do pity the parent who does not love themselves enough to be loved by a child

[boobear]

I'm not trying to open up a can of worms or go down some definition rat-hole.

I don't question that there are all sorts of situations out there but to continually propagate a politically invented term is not what I thought I'd see on these boards.

My point is simply to be sensitive to those dads that try, and because some moms have emotional difficulty dealing with their ex (those that can't take responsibility for their own actions) end up undermining the child's relationship with the father.

I, personally, know of 4 situations where the mother has restricted/controlled visitation, has emotionally manipulated the child in their defense and survives off CS with no intentions of seeking out a job or career so that they can be financially responsible for themselves.

Here's some links, research things (don't believe everything you read - cross reference it):

http://www.fathering.com/
http://www.fathermag.com/
<lots more links off those pages>

[Jish]

BooBear, I can see your point about the terminology. I have been here for several months and have personally been involved in many discussions that went awry because people began picking apart semantics. While I agree that the term "Deadbeat dad" is really a downer and I personally would prefer something like "uninvolved father" I would hate to think that the original poster would feel bad about her post because of the terminology that she used. I would also hate to see the thread take a turn in a not so positive direction when she clearly is turning to the members for help.

Can we get past the "deadbeat dad" terminology and continue with our support of Brenda?