uc support thread #6, July - Page 3

[majazama]

With my first pregnancy, I was "doing it":LOL a lot. This time, maybe 3 times, because I live 9 hours away from my partner, and we're trying to figure out our relasionship. I like it better this way. When I was having a lot of sex during pregnancy, I sometimes didn't feel very good about it, but I was really wanting to do it.

I've also read that if you don't have sex in pregnancy, your baby will be more beautiful??? I guess I 'll see. It was in one of those new-agey books, that also went into name sounds and their conotations... quite interesting, really.

I did my belly cast today. I'm going to post a pic, I think, but maybe tommorow. Sorry mommas

I figured out the perfect way to weigh my baby precisely.... I'm going to buy a very good quality fishing scale and then bring it back after I use it!! The one I'm looking at is digital, and has a hook on the bottom, which I can put the baby sling. It costs 53.00 CAD, so I definately will not keep it just to weigh my baby once.
I'm so glad I've finally got this figured!!

Nice to see all the new people on the UC thread!

[StacyL]

Dreams

We just purchased a new sofa to replace our old one, which will be delivered end of August, close to my due date. Well, my husband just told me about a dream he had - he dreamt that I had the baby on the sofa and got blood all over it, and he said he was mad and a jerk about it in his dream! Isn't that funny? Maybe husbands have weird pregnancy dreams too!

[Aura_Kitten]

" he dreamt that I had the baby on the sofa and got blood all over it, and he said he was mad and a jerk about it in his dream!" ~ :LOL



last night i dreamt i was nursing the new baby and it didn't hurt like it had w/ my son, it was really easy and the baby latched on well... it was a very pleasant dream. i woke up thinking, "yay, i finally had another happy baby dream!"

[Carrieanders]

in response to Dancermom query : "I have a question for everyone...how open are you in your communities/lives about your decision to have a UC? Do you feel an obligation to be a "spokesperson" for it?"

We kept it to ourselves for the most part. well, *I* did anyhow. dh told a few friends at work, the goof. I spoke to a few friends about the idea, but didin't really come out with the "this is how we're doing it, and these are are reasons" because for 1) we are part of a fairly conservative group of friends and family. (when I say fairly, i mean EXTREMELY conservative when it comes to just about everything) I'm out in left-field all alone when it comes to a few things, though and dh with me!! What can I say? I'm not out to convert the world. For me, its a private and personal decision. I have my own reasosns and they aren't open for iscussion...so I give my family and friends the same respect. My hugely pregnant SIL (her first full term baby) I gave my home library of alternative birth books and magazines and articles when she came to our state for her shower last month. I know it made an impression on her, but she's now got a new dh, who's as SQUARE and super conservative as they come; and she wants to hake him comfortable so is having a hospital birth "this time" I imagine she'll want to know more about the alternatives afterwards.

Most of our friends know it was a UC now, and want more details about how we knew what to do. duh. babies come out! only a goofball wouldn't know what to do, so after the fact we don't dicuss it either because there is really nothing to discuss. it wasn't easy... but it was simple and good (and FUN!! )

Carrie

[nikirj]

DH is on board!!!

Put us on the list!! DH agreed to a UC finally :-). We'll be lying to those who need to be lied to (to avoid CPS) and we'll take it from there.

Turns out the whole time he was worried about two things:

1) He'll drop the baby

2) He won't know how to use the suction-ball thing

Once I found out those were his problems it was all easy from there ;-). He totally believes that my body is going to do this just fine, but he was thinking that babies NEED all that suctioning (and that it was somehow super-complicated), and was afraid he'd goof somehow and drop the baby.

I have an issue though - I tore badly with my first, and not-so-badly but still needed repair with my second. I don't know the first thing about what I'm supposed to look like down there after birth, and how to tell if I need help getting it repaired. I wasn't pushing beyond what I thought I should be doing either time, so I don't necessarily trust myself, although I do know that DH will be a better perineum-protector than either of my OBs were. Should I arrange to visit a midwife or someone the next day, to get this checked out?

And about the earlier question - we are telling nobody. My mom and MIL think that UC is criminally irresponsible. Nobody asks us, anyway. They all assume.

[Aura_Kitten]

niki, i tore very badly with my first... and i was terrified of it happening again, until i re-evaluated my birth experience. i really believe that it happened that way because of 1) how i was forced to labor for the last few centimeters, 2) how i was told to push, and 3) what position i delivered in.

i'm pretty sure if i change those 3 circumstances i can avoid tearing again.

really, i believe the main thing is relax, relax, relax.

i also believe that minor tears will heal just fine on their own. (if they didn't how would women have survived all those centuries without those manly hands to stitch them up?)

[lovemygirl]

Originally Posted by nikirj

I have an issue though - I tore badly with my first, and not-so-badly but still needed repair with my second. I don't know the first thing about what I'm supposed to look like down there after birth, and how to tell if I need help getting it repaired. I wasn't pushing beyond what I thought I should be doing either time, so I don't necessarily trust myself, although I do know that DH will be a better perineum-protector than either of my OBs were. Should I arrange to visit a midwife or someone the next day, to get this checked out?

OH! I was JUST reading about this in Grantly Dick-Read's book, Childbirth Without fear. He was saying (this is the gist of it) that the MORE relaxed you are the more the skin has time to stretch and you won't tear. He said a completely relaxed bottom can be acheived by remembering to open your mouth when baby is crowning, relax your facial muscles and to *not* push with the contraction at this point.

He didn't mention hands on support of the perineium from a midwife or husband helping but I am told that it does, or let me say can help. But I think the main point he was stressing that if you allow the perineium and vulva to be relaxed, the head will stretch it.... just take your time and remain calm and relaxed. He also advised the husband or midwife to reassure the mom that she will not "burst" open as she might feel like she is.

If I can get a moment I will scan the blurb where he discusses this and post a link to it. Right now I have to go to bed!

Good for you about getting dh on board! YAY!

[ChildoftheMoon]

Hooray Niki! I added you to the list.

[cottonwood]

Re: tearing, if nobody (including yourself) is telling you when and how to push, your body will not begin to push the baby out until the vagina and vulva are fully ready, and you won't have to worry about "supporting the tissues". Plus, if you're someone (like me) who tenses up when you are touched or looked at "down there" when it is not your lover doing the touching and looking and you are not sexually aroused, obviousy that's going to interfere with relaxation.

Re: telling, I am happy to talk about it with *anyone* who will not think it their duty to save us from ourselves, i.e., get CPS involved, call 911 if they happen to find out I'm in labor, etc. I'll discuss it with strangers if they don't know how to find me, for instance I probably won't talk about it with the grocery checker.

I've told some of the local homeschooling moms (we meet sometimes for playgroups,) and none of them acted shocked at all. One even said she'd like to do it herself but didn't think her husband would go for it. All of our friends know (I guess we just happen to have cool friends ) and much of our family. We did have some worrying from family members last time, but they all believe it's our choice and don't bug us about it. Some were outright supportive. Surprisingly, my mom, who has made a lifestyle out of worrying, is even supportive. So I'm in a pretty good situation!

[majazama]

I told someone yesterday who is going to help us by signing the birth papers stating that I was pregnant, and now have a baby... and she said that she thinks I'm brave. That's nice. I had to tell her, because I need her help in this paperwork (got to be someone I, or DP is not related to) But I'm glad that she didn't have any negative comments to say about it. She's my mom's friend, so I don't know her that well.

[madrone]

Hi everyone -

Haven't been around much because of computer problems. I might have posted here on this already, but in case I didn't I'll say it again, because we had several things break and had to spend money we really couldn't spend, we aren't going anywhere for the birth and will be here in Brittany. We've registered at a hospital about an hour away because it's known to be more natural. I agreed to register there so we could say that we were going to go there but couldn't make it (to hopefully have less birth certificate problems -- also says that we really cannot be UC spokespeople here). My DH really wants to birth there now after seeing the place. I really want to UC. I think he is so afraid of UCing it that he only wants to look at the positive of this place. He told me last night that he would be really angry with me if we stayed here and something went wrong and didn't know if he would be able to forgive me. He seems to think that he is going to have all this responsibility of delivering the baby while taking care of DS. I really just want to be alone and left alone more than anything. If it was during the day, I'd be really happy if he would just go with DS for a walk. I'm really hoping this baby will come at night and maybe DS and DH will just sleep through it. And really for the lack of support I'm getting from DH since we registered. When we finally decided that it was just impossible to go away for the birth, he seemed to be rather accepting of a UC. I'm really disappointed that he went back to being against it. Today, our copy of the emergency childbirth manual arrived. Maybe it will help him a little bit. We have about a month left.

The mid-wife who registered us at the hospital did say something that I see as positive. When she was looking at the paperwork by the OB (we are required to see a doctor a certain number of times and have certain tests -- not having pre-natal care is not an option for me) and saw that none of the three dates he put down added up, she said that doctor's don't know when a woman will have her baby, that only the woman does, and she asked me when I thought the baby would come and put down that for the date. She also said something that I considered a negative when she was taking my history and asked if I had DNC's with my previous miscarriages. Since I didn't know the word in French, she had to explain and had said that some women have to have a DNC because of risk of infection. I think it's up to the woman and it's okay to wait a month or so. She did say that as long as they get a strong heartbeat, that I would be free to do whatever I wanted and could go leave for a walk or whatever. But to me, even just the drive there would be enough of an interruption for me not to want to go there.

How'd you all get your SO to come around if they weren't supportive? If your SO told you that they would be angry and might not be able to forgive you if something went wrong, what would you do? I need advice here.

Take care - Tiff

The mid-wife who registered us at the hospital did say one very positive thing in my eyes. When she was looking at the paperwork that I brought from the OB

[cottonwood]

"He told me last night that he would be really angry with me if we stayed here and something went wrong and didn't know if he would be able to forgive me."

That's just not fair. What if you go to the hospital and they f*@k it up? Would he expect you to forgive him for insisting on hospital birth? :

I understand, though, about the fear. That is valid. The thing to do is to work on getting to the point where you (he) understands which fears ought to be taken seriously, and which are just a bunch of conditioned hogwash.

Has he read any UC literature? Or maybe don't even start him there, but start with the instinctive birth literature. Michel Odent and Sarah Buckley are excellent for explaining why it is SO important and why it doesn't normally happen when birth is managed and even just observed. That's pretty much what convinced my husband. His fears about complications specifically were dealt with both through my confidence and knowledge about the birth process, and by reading Emergency Childbirth by Gregory White.

[majazama]

madrone~ Welcome. did you have any problems birthing your first child? If so, I could see that your husband could have some valid concerns. But if you had an uneventful birth, I don't think he should be so worried. It's YOUR body, YOUR choice on how you give birth.

I, personally, would never forgive someone who forced me to have MY baby at a hospital, ending up with all that crap that they do to you there.

I'm still pregnant! I feel pretty good, like the baby doesn't have to come for a week, or maybe he will come tomorrow, I guess I'll see.

[madrone]

I didn't really have a problem birthing DS. I did tear though and didn't push after birthing the head. Earlier, you all were talking about tears. I think I tore because of both myself and the midwife. I think that I was rushing myself and started pushing way too early. I wouldn't let the midwife examine me and didn't know how to do it myself then to know if I was or was not fully dialated. I never quite felt a strong, I cannot not push type of urge before I started pushing. Just was tired of not pushing and ready to have my baby. Ended up pushing for a long time because of that I think. By the time the baby was crowning, I think the midwife had pretty much decided that it was taking too long. She encouraged me to push really hard while crowning although I had the instinct to hold back at that point. By what I have learned since, that was really not what I should have been doing. White even says to slow down during crowning for tear prevention and he says to put the woman on her back. Anyway, I kind of freaked out when I tore and the midwife didn't wait for the next contraction and did that shoulder thing to pull out DS. He was purple, but looking purple is good, right? Looking pale is what is not good. That is why DH is so scared. He is scared that he would have to pull out the baby like that. I think that if I hadn't been rushing myself initially and then if the midwife wouldn't have been rushing me, that I might not have torn and I know that DS could have waited for the next couple of contractions for the shoulders to be born. But I think that that is a lot of what he fears. The other thing is that he thinks he's going to have to serve as an OB or midwife when I really don't want him around that much anyway. I've kind of said this to him, but I think he didn't quite take it the right way and I dropped it.

I have tried to get him to read UC stuff on the web, but every time he comes on the web, he just reads on boats -- his interest. Money is very limited and then there is the additional thing of most UC stuff coming from the states and customs. My mom (worth a whole other post on a vent on her -- but that would just be a vent) bought White's book for us and mailed it to us in a bubble envelope from her, so we didn't have to go pay customs on that. Getting more on books isn't really that much of an option for us unfortunately. Maybe I just have to start trying to print out some UC stuff from the web for him.

[cottonwood]

I don't agree with White's theory that lying on the back prevents tearing. The idea is that it will slow down the progress enough to give the tissues time to stretch -- but I think there is an erroneous assumption there that the tissues should need slow stretching in order not to tear, and it doesn't address the fact that if lying down the baby's head isn't putting equal pressure around the cervix, which in itself can cause tearing by creating unequal stresses on the tissue. If the tissues have not been already stressed by unnecessary pushing, and they have been fully primed by the birth hormones (which may not happen if the process is guided or interfered with,) then tearing shouldn't be an issue at all. By the way, when women instinctively choose a position to give birth in they hardly ever choose to lie down. I have heard a few women say it felt best. But in general, women automatically go to kneeling, or standing, or squatting, or hands-and-knees.

Re: color of the baby, yes purple is fine, as long as the baby is breathing and starts to pink up. This sometimes takes some time, though, which is why the baby should remain attached to the placenta as long as possible, so as to continue to receive oxygen as it makes the transition to breathing air. When you want to be worried is when the baby is dusky (grey) or white (not pink) and unresponsive and limp. But that's very unusual and usually follows only complicated labors, in which case you would have probably already instinctively felt (or intellectually ascertained) that there was a problem and would already be in the hospital.

But the fact is that if you allow your body to give birth spontaneously and instinctively, your baby will be at MUCH less risk for going into distress than if you have a managed birth.

[cottonwood]

And don't worry, you really don't need a bunch of books -- there is a LOT of good information on the internet, including by the authors that I mentioned above.

[Aura_Kitten]

But the fact is that if you allow your body to give birth spontaneously and instinctively, your baby will be at MUCH less risk for going into distress than if you have a managed birth.

! I feel pretty good, like the baby doesn't have to come for a week, or maybe he will come tomorrow, I guess I'll see

me too! although last night after i did a ton of housework i started having regular hugs... so... but then they got regular and painful a couple of weeks ago... and then stopped.

i'm feeling very much like i did about a month before i had michael (except bigger :LOL)... so who knows?

[majazama]

madrone~definately spell it out to your partner that he is not going to be your designanted MW. tell him exacly what you want.... to just give birth, simply, by yourself. He won't have to "rescue" you from any complication, cause there won't be any.

[majazama]

Where are these sites that I could read up on UC info, blueviolet? I've seen laura shanleys site, breast and belly, and I think I glanced over JPB's freebirth site, but would love to look at that one again.

I just remembered a question I was going to ask, is there any reason to worry if there is meconium in the ammniotic fluid??

[Aura_Kitten]

is there any reason to worry if there is meconium in the ammniotic fluid??

yes.