I offended friends in remembering their baby son

[PurpleBasil]

I'd love to hear some feedback on how I can make this better, if at all possible.

My friends' son was born still five years ago at 5 months gestation. We were invited to his funeral and shared in their grief.

Since that day, I always send them a card on their son's birthday (not a child birthday card, just a plain note) and wrote that I am remembering their precious son and how I hope they are finding comfort. Basically saying that I'm thinking of them all. I always heard that people tend to do a lot around the time of the actual death and then never mention it so I thought they would like someone to remember their son with them.

I got a note back from the dad last month saying they've been very offended all these years with my notes and I 'dredge up pain for (his) wife' and they have moved on and wish I would stop reminding them of 'only negatives'.

I feel horrible. I never thought that by remembering their baby son that I would cause them even more pain!

Any thoughts on what to do next, if anything? How do those who have lost loved ones want to be treated? I thought that every mother loved to have her children remembered and spokely of kindly?

Thanks. I feel like such a monster.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey,

You were reaching out in the way you thought would be most appreciated. There's no shame in that. It's great that your friends felt comfortable to finally tell you that it wasn't comforting for them. This is just one of those things in life. We can not always know how to comfort our loved ones.

If I were you, I would just respond briefly acknowledging that you understand the request and possibly remind them that you had the best intentions.

BTW, I don't really think it matters how others would want to be treated. Your friends told you how they want to be treated and that's all that matters.

Hugs, I know that must have been hard to hear.

[candipooh]

I agree that you should write them back and tell them sorry. Tell them how you feel. Perhpas even mention that you wish they would of said something sooner. 5 years is a long to for them to be hurt about it and not say anything. And remind them that you had the very best of intentions. They should understand.
How was the note from them. Was is more angry and "how dare you" or was it "just thought you should know" how they worded the note would have a lot to do with how I responded.
{{{{HUGS}}}} Don't feel like a monster. You were doing what you thought was best.

[weebitty2]

Honestly sweetheart? You shouldn't feel like a monster. If it was that hurtful for them, perhaps they should have said something the first year. Being made to feel bad over a gesture that's done in kindness and love is so hurt/hateful ... I honestly wish *I* knew someone like you irl.

I spent over a year posting on a message board with a group of ladies all due around the same time as my DD's due date ... And I can't tell you how much it hurts me to see them post "so and so's 9mo. birthday" and such.. knowing that yesterday, my DD got not a single 1st birthday wish .. Nor a comment on her two angel sisters that didn't survive their birth 3 months premature.

You did what your heart told you was right .. just tell them that.

[ekblad9]

You shouldn't feel like a monster. You were trying to be thoughtful. I agree with the others. If they didn't find it comforting they should have mentioned that years ago. I would have done the same thing in your shoes (not that that should mean anything :LOL ) but try not to be too hard on yourself.

[liseux]

Hi! I just wanted you to know that you inspired me to join this forum just so I could respond to you. I will do an intro later.

I have also lost an infant (7 weeks old) and I think what you did each year was truly wonderful. You had absolutely the best intentions and I have one friend who remembers my son each year and my dh and I appreciate it immensely.

I think everybody is in such a different place when it comes to loss, some people have a full term stillbirth and don`t even name the baby, others with a similar loss might visit the grave and bring balloons with the whole family. Neither is necessarily the right way, but most people (although losing a child is something you can never get over) heal to a point where they see some positive in the child`s life and are thankful that somebody/anybody remembers their short time on earth.

I agree that you should write a letter and tell them how you feel badly but that you had read or been advised that a lot of people like having their child remembered. I don`t know them or you obviously, but I would make the point that because they had a funeral that you felt that they wanted to memorialize their child`s life and you were just doing the same thing you might have done for any close loss, like their mother or sister. I wouldnt worry about their response or take any of it personally. What you did was done out of love and affection.

I remember when my son was sick and I asked the doctor if I could be put in contact with a family who had dealt with something similar. She found a family who had a daughter die from the same thing, but when she asked them if it would be OK for me to call them to talk they told her no. That they had "gone on with their lives." I remember thinking I didnt think I would ever be like that and it just proves how different people are. In our family our missing son will always be a part of our family , open for discussion to our other children and remembering his birthday and his life.

The only advice I have for this type of situation is don`t be afraid to openly talk to people about their grief. You can ask if this kind of thing bothers them. I have made it a point to get to know a lot of bereaved moms and in my experience I would say 8 out of 10 bereaved parents would be overjoyed to both talk about their baby and have somebody remember their child. Thank you for being so caring!

[Clarity]

I agree with many of the wise things that have been said. I also think that what he thinks and and his wife thinks might be different. People grieve differently. She might be sad and upset at the anniversary whether or not you sent a card. He sees she's sad, gets angry, blames you? And it's *not* you. If it were, they could have replied to your cards long ago. My DS would have been 4 now. Honestly, while I grieve when I think of him, I have very little emotion attached to the anniversary. I don't even remember the actual date without looking it up, only the month. You were a kind friend with the best of intentions. They could always just not open the card. After 5 years, they'd know what it was. Many people said some things I didn't find comforting. I always knew they had the best of intentions, and when it was more than I could really handle, I said so.

[Ms. Mom]

you can be my friend! My dd was stillborn 10 years ago and it hurts that nobody wants to remember her. I would feel so honored to have a friend like you.

However, I do agree that they're dealing with this in a way that feels right for them. I think the husband was a bit harsh in telling you. He should have thanked you for your thoughts, then stated his feelings. Your intentions were loving and honorable, there was nothing wrong with what you did. Please, do not feel bad!

Maybe a quick note saying that you only meant to acknowledge their feelings and that your intention was not to drudge up or cause pain. That you're sorry that this gesture caused them to feel bad.

You're a special person for trying

[tracymom]

I agree with everything that's been said. You are a wonderful friend to do that; they should have found a way to tell you sooner.

My DH's first cousin and his wife lost their firstborn as a full term stillbirth. For years they did not talk about it, and then many years later, probably close to 15 years or so, his wife opened up to me about it and then they talked about Jeremy a whole lot. I think when the other kids were small maybe it was just so painful that they couldn't talk about it! Around that time too he bought her a mother's ring that had all three kids' stones in it. I guess she just had to heal. Maybe that is where these people are, who knows?

I think I would write with a heartfelt note expressing regret that you caused them pain and that you had only intentions of trying to help. Surely they will understand given time to reflect on it!

[Greaseball]

I think most people would like to receive a card on their loved one's birthday. I know I would. Most people tell me it hurts when no one wants to acknowledge the one who died.

It's a lot easier to tell someone you don't want to talk about it than to say "Can we talk about him?"

[momto l&a]

I would love to have somebody besides me and dh remember the day we lost our baby to mc but nobody does.


I would be so touched if I got a note like yours.

[rachelle-a-tron]

I too would be very touched if you sent a note on my Son Carsons special days. I still have friends that call & make sure I am okay & send little gifts or leave a bottle of wine on our doorstep.

I also think you should write them back & tell them you are sorry & that thier childs life made an impact on you.

Hugs to you Mama... I think your wonderful!

[gossamer]

Dear Playdoh,
I know you know about my loss and I can tell you I would truly appreciate the thoughtfulness you have shown your friends. On the other hand, I realize that a lot of times I have put my friends in no-win situations. They're damned if they do and damned if they don't. I remember at Christmas I got a card from a couple who had a baby full term a week before Mary Rose was born. I didn't get a picture of the family in the card and I remember thinking "What, don't they think I can handle a stupid picture of their baby". Then I realized that if they had sent a picture in the card I would have thought, "Don't they have any tact and realize that I can't handle a picture of their perfect baby?" So either way they were wrong. I am not saying this is how your friends feel, but I thought I would give you my perspective. In my life right now, most everything is a no win situation because you know what? I didn't win, I didn't bring my baby home. So nobody ever gets to win. All that being said, I think what you did is very kind, loving and compassionate and maybe eventually your friends will understand your actions came from the heart.
Gossamer

[weebitty2]

Oh Gossamer *HUGS*

""Don't they have any tact and realize that I can't handle a picture of their perfect baby?" "

Mary Rose IS a perfect baby - one of the most beautiful I've ever seen in my lifetime.

[PurpleBasil]

Each response here touches my heart so deeply. Thank you all for taking the time to post with such depth. I will re read all the responses again for sure.

Grief sure is individual and the lifelong relationship to that loss is so unique, I'm learning. I can totally see now (after reading these wonderful responses) how it would be very painful, or just like you wrote, Gossamer, a damned either way sort of thing.

I can imagine pain so deep and searing that I would lash out at everyone no matter what they did. No one would be able to do the right thing. So i am very sympathetic to my friends and their frustration with my rememberence notes. I'm glad they told me, everyone is right in saying that it is good they let me know.

I'm so sorry for the mamas here who have losses of babies. I hope that it isn't offensive for me to wonder how you all go on. The grief seems so huge, I am amazed how you all keep going everyday. You are all stronger than I can imagine.

Thank you again for your gentle responses. I hope my friends have moved on in the way that is right for them and it is good for me to always be reminded that grief is unique.

It is such a delicate situation...maybe if I'd phoned them instead of writing, then they would have felt more in control and able to tell me in the moment that they preferred not to discuss it. I can see how my notes would arrive and if they were working hard on moving on, then my note would upset everything and that would be very frustrating. maybe they felt my notes were all about me instead of giving them the real time opportunity to say 'yes' or 'no' to discussing their son. I should always be open to asking myself, 'why am I doing this?' even if I think I have good intentions. If that makes sense.

[leavesarebrown]

Playdoh--hope you at least don't feel like a monster anymore. I would be touched by and appreciate such a remembrance.

[srain]

No one other than my parents and husband acknowledged what would have been my stillborn son's first birthday last September, and it really hurt. I think you were doing the right thing (and know you were trying to do the right thing!) and you shouldn't feel badly that in this case, it flopped. And I don't think you'd be wrong if you did the same thing in a similar situation, either.

Like others have said, apologizing either via a note or phone would probably be the best thing to do, but know in your heart that you were not in the wrong.

[Kari_mom]

Playdoh, I don't normally post here, but I keep coming back to this thread. Allow me to share my thoughts, please.

It seems possible to me that perhaps the husband isn't comfortable with his wife's reaction to your notes each year, but that they may really be important to her. My husband doesn't always understand that sometimes I need to cry and grieve (though never for the loss of a child, I can't imagine what that must be like) and will try to protect me or even think I have moved on when I haven't.

Just something to consider when you contact them about this, to be sure that you don't just speak to the husband if possible.

[Dar]

My younger sister was born still on March 1, 1978. She was due the following day, and they was no hint that anything was wrong. It was a few weeks before my 10th birthday.

Not a year has gone by when I didn't remember her, for the past 26 years. I picture her sitting on a hill under a tree, a little older every year. I would have appreciated a card...

Dar

[famousmockngbrd]

Everyone grieves in their own way. Instead of feeling bad because of the reproach, maybe it is better to feel good because of the honesty... they must value you, otherwise they wouldn't bother to clue you in... they would just write you off...

Please don't feel bad... they seem to just be letting you know. I'll bet they appreciate your remembering, it's just not their way.