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Let's talk about sex - Page 4

post #61 of 108
UNSCHOOLnMa...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU !!! I get a fair amount of people who think it is wrong of us to allow co-ed / co-sleeping stayovers with our boys and daughters of friends, so I am glad to see that you agree with me that there is nothing wrong with this. My boys have several female friends who spend the night and who they spend the night with as well, and it has worked out GREAT ! I think this shows kids that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being close to another human being, and is a very healthy thing to do. My 7 y/o ds has a little friend who is only a couple of months younger than he is (he calls her his "girlfriend") and they have shared the night together many times. A couple weekends ago I went in to wake them up in the morning and they were already awake lying there all cuddled up together very tightly. The girl said "We got cold and were keeping each other warm" (it WAS a cool morning). It was SOOOO cute !
post #62 of 108
post #63 of 108
post #64 of 108
I have to aggree that girls and boys should be alloud to be together... the worst thing I find is when a friend of mine's son started to play with these couple of boys and started to develop some really nasty attitude toward girls. He said stuff like "girls are stupid, I hate girls" : Her son didn't mean it, he was just copying his friend.

We gave him the lecture of, "well your mom and I are offended. WE are GIRLS and WE are NOT STUPID, and if you really hate us then you can just not eat with us any more, or play with us anymore. In fact I am not sure I want to play with anyone who thinks girls are stupid, some of my very best and smartest friends are girls, I can't play with someone who is going to be sooo narrow minded as to write off half the population." He changed his tune pretty damn quick after that.

I think its much healthier to have boys and girls develop close relationships from a young age. rather than separating them, and geting this us vs them thing going on.

I think its fabulous that you have created an environment that allows for healthy friendships to begin. Friends teach compassion and understanding of one another. well done. I aspire to me like you mama's.
post #65 of 108

I think you can explain others' values while still emphasizing your own. For example, you should, at some point, talk to your DD about homosexuality, about premarital sex, etc...but you don't have to say it in a way that suggests it is your own personal family value, just so she is aware that such things exist.

I guess it's alot tougher to do the sex ed thing when you have strong religious views about sex, but I can't emphasize enough how important it is that children have KNOWLEDGE. The judgements and morality of those behaviours comes later, but ignorance has never served any child well when they enter into their sexuality. God forbid your child wants to experiment with masturbation or homosexuality, and has to deal with major issues of guilt and confusion b/c they were never taught anything about it. Those kind of issues put people in the psychiatrist's couch for YEARS.

Enjoy that book (protecting the gift)! I have heard great things about it, and it's on my library book list.
post #66 of 108
Piglet, you said that perfectly.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that children have KNOWLEDGE.

my SO's little sister, a few years ago, asked us when we had gotten married, and asked why she hadn't been invited to the wedding. we had to explain to her that we aren't married, and we don't really plan on ever having a wedding, and that people can be in a loving, committed relationship without being married. it was like her whole world was turned upside down. although her own parents had only gotten married a few years prior, the only thing she had ever known about marriage was that people grow up, get married, and have babies ~ that was how she was taught that things were and she had no idea they could be any other way.

children need to be exposed to all aspects of life ~ this isn't a politically correct thing: this is a knowledge and tolerance thing. you can't teach a child to be open minded and tolerant of others if their worldview is extremely limited.
post #67 of 108
I see where you are both coming from. Very good points!!
post #68 of 108
myheartslight-I think that your analogy works great to illustrate Piglet's point, actually. I think you can DEFINITELY explain lifestyle choices (including a meat eating diet if your family is vegetarian) and also state that this is not what your family chooses. Kids pick up on their families ideals-even if they aren't directly stated. Plus, if you think it's an important enough value (whatever it is) I'm sure you will re-state it and be very clear about it. Hope this makes sense.
post #69 of 108
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by busybusymomma
I still have to laugh at the OP: "keep your tiddly winks to yourself" :
Now hear it in your head with a thick Irish brogue!

And I really want to thank everyone that pointed out that mommy and daddy do this together (re: making love) instead the phrase that always came to my mind when he asked how daddy got the sperm to the egg (daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina). I need to turn it from how the sperm gets to the egg into a special thing grown ups do together. It seems to obvious, but sometimes when you are doing the "deer in the headlights" while trying to look calm and natural the obvious escapes you!
post #70 of 108
m~h~l: I agree with Bearsmama, that your children will be well aware of your family values, without you having to say anything negative about others' values. And, I think it is way more important that they hear about different lifestyles from you, otherwise who knows what they are learning on the playground, etc. I know it can be very hard to describe something you are against, and do it fairly and without prejudice, but I believe it is so important.

An analogy: I read a sweet story in a parenting book recently about how a mama handled it when she and her DD observed another child being yelled at, spanked, and belittled by his father. Instead of saying what a lout the guy was, she said he was a man who had "never been taught how to be kind" and so he simply didn't know how to be kind to his child. She didn't have to condemn the man for spanking, and the woman's DD was obviously well aware that such things were not done in her home. It was a good lesson in teaching children tolerance, etc for others, I thought.
post #71 of 108
post #72 of 108
Like for example; she knows that unmarried couples will not share a bed in our home even if they do in their own.
post #73 of 108
Originally Posted by klothos
Would you not request that people don't spank their kids in your home?
post #74 of 108
Have not read all of the posts, but I explained sex to my children in the same tone I explain everything...I used the correct words, I used the Anatomy Coloring Book by Kapit and explained everything! It was good for when DH had his first cancer surgery and before DS3 was born it explained the fetal circulation.
post #75 of 108
I am concerned about the turn this thread has taken and perhaps it is the former MDC moderator in me coming out, but as a participant here, I would offer this reminder:

The MDC statement of purpose reads: "Our community is made up of many nationalities, religions, ages, colors, ethnicities, philosophies, affectional orientations, economic groups, lifestyles, and family structures. . . .Through your direct or indirect participation here you agree to make a personal effort to maintain a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for our guests and members." (emphasis mine)

The statement also reads, "This website is a place to safely explore all the aspects involved in [the philosophies of attachment parenting]." When conversations take the turn that this one just did, it becomes an unsafe place for some of us. When I am put in the position where I feel I have to defend who I am because I am told that the person G-d made me to be is wrong, it feels emotionally unsafe.

MDC has had a tradition since its inception of taking steps to insure that these boards are a welcoming and affirming place for all who practice "natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting" (I love that sentence because I helped to write it ). It is the responsibility of all of us participating to do our part in making this a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for all.

While to some it may seem valid to have an objection to, for example, certain affectional orientations, on these boards it has long been unacceptable to publicly devalue someone's humanity.

I submit this as a reminder of the agreements we all made when we requested membership on MDC, and I submit it respectfully with love and peace in my heart.

With great respect for the family values which we *all* share,
post #76 of 108
Would you not request that people don't spank their kids in your home?
IMO these are two completely different things ~ one is causing physical and emotional harm to a child; the other (an unmarried yet committed couple sharing a bed) is an expression of intimacy and closeness.

what if you were visiting someone's home and they said they wholeheartedly objected to the idea of a family bed, and so would not allow you to sleep next to your children?
post #77 of 108
It just kind of amazes me that in this day and age anyone would object to an unmarried couple sleeping together in the same bed ! We should be WAAAY over worrying about such antiquated things now !
post #78 of 108
Originally Posted by klothos
IMO these are two completely different things ~ one is causing physical and emotional harm to a child; the other (an unmarried yet committed couple sharing a bed) is an expression of intimacy and closeness.

what if you were visiting someone's home and they said they wholeheartedly objected to the idea of a family bed, and so would not allow you to sleep next to your children?
I would get a hotel room. It's their home.

I wouldn't ask someone not to FF their baby, because I'm not going to make anyone go hungry in my home, but I would ask that people not do other things that go against my moral or parenting beliefs.

If my own home can't be our safe place, then what is left in this world?
post #79 of 108
Mod note: This thread is about discussing aspects of sex and sexuality with our children. The issue has come up about how to discuss certain aspects of this that may go against the personal moral values of your own unique family. I think this is a valid topic of conversation, and one in which there is a great deal we can share with each other. So long as any comments about the practices of others, or others' differing morals, remain in the context of one's own personal beliefs, and are not put out there as general statements/judgements of others, I am content to let this discussion continue. I would just like to plead with everybody to keep this on-topic, and not have it derail into a discussion of whose morals are offensive or not, etc...Thank you

my~heart: you will ultimately have to make this decision for yourself, as to how to broach these subjects, or whether to at all. I can tell you that NEVER has ignorance or "just-not-mentioning-it" ever worked for anybody. Secondly, I really believe you CAN find a way to discuss what "other people do" without bringing your own judgements on those people or their actions. When you talk about Jews or Muslims with your children, do you also tell them that "those people are wrong and what they beleive are wrong"? I doubt it (I hope not!). I see no "conflict" in saying to your children (for example) "well, DD, some people live with their partners without being married, because they don't believe in the Holy Sacrament of Marriage. But in our FAith we do, so for us that is not an option." Your children must know that the world is full of people who believe all different things. Otherwise, they will grow up with hatred and intolerance at worst, or just general confusion/anxiety/guilt that can have profound effects on their lives.

I think one of the biggest problems you (and others in your situation - since I think this topic applies to anybody who is uncomfortable with certain aspects of sex, be it premarital sex or masturbation, etc...) is that you are assuming you must TELL your children what their values should be. Your children will learn by your example. They will see in their everyday lives how you and your family live, and what choices you make.

Put it this way - if you explain masturbation (for example) as something inherently "wrong", what do you think your child is going to do when they start experimenting with it (and believe me, they almost certainly will). Will they just not ever tell you about it? Or will they feel comfortable enough to come to you and ask you questions. I can guarantee you that if you attach judgments to the subject, they aren't going to come to you and admit it. However, if you are simply honest with them about it, they will already KNOW that it doesn't go with your church's teachings (they'll hear it at school, at church, at sunday school, from others, etc), and will probably be much more open to asking you more about that. Wouldn't you rather they feel able to talk to you about it?

(I'm using my~heart's example here of her christian beliefs, but I really think this applies to anybody - there are lots of people who have issues around masturbation, premarital sex, etc without religion necessarily playing into it).
post #80 of 108
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