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Let's talk about sex - Page 5

post #81 of 108
Heart's~Light...thank you for clarifying. While I may not agree with you on the unmarried sleeping together thing, I do see the point you are making ! I also agree with what you say about this forum...it's one of the most valuable things I know of on the Net ! Keep smilin', everybody !
post #82 of 108
Hi all, I'm new to MDC and have just read this thread. Very interesting. It seems every mother is genuinely trying to find the best way to explain a very complex subject. I have thought of all the same questions you all have. I have a three year old now who keeps asking for a brother. I'll add in "or sister." Today he said he really wanted a brother and not a sister. I told him that we couldn't choose. That we didn't know what we would get. He just couldn't understand this one area of little self-determination. I thought maybe I could explain it with dice and how each time you get something different and you can't ask the dice to give you what you want. I thought of a zillion ways to explain it by which time he had completely forgotten the subject. Then I remembered Piaget. My 3yo's ability to reason was no where near as complex as mine. Kids are looking for simple concrete answers and nothing more. I think a few people mentioned that you just answer your child's question directly and not volunteer more information unless they ask another question. This is very true of young children. We are over thinking so much of this. If only we could get inside their heads and figure out what kind of answer they are looking for!

It kind of makes me think of the "yada yada" episode on Seinfeld. "Mommy has a vagina, Daddy has a penis...yada yada yada...here you are." If only it could be so easy.

Hang in there mamas and trust your instincts. Everyone had great ideas and this has been a great forum. And MHL, it's your house and your family so go with your values. You sound like a mom who truly loves her kids and is struggling for the right answers. It also sounds like you are not trying to instill prejudice in your children, just values. I may not agree with them, but they don't seem like values that will hurt your children (ie: spanking). I'm sure you will address the questions of other lifestyles and choices when you feel your kids are ready.
post #83 of 108
VERY well said, Shrinkmama ! And welcome to MDC ! This is a GREAT place to be ! I love it !
post #84 of 108
I have to say that I am very thankful the moderator brought up the statement of purpose. Have to say I love that statement of purpose. Being a lesbian on any board is sometimes a tricky thing. I want to talk about AP, or infertility, etc but not have to check my lesbianism at the door if you know what I mean. It also hurts to read other's conservative views on homosexuality, people in my family situation, etc. I am thankful to have found this board, and to find that for the most part people are very welcoming and affirming to me and my family.

Sex education is a very important thing to me and my family. As a director of religious education I took training in a very special program for sex education that is taught as a lifespan program. Some of you might have heard of it, it's called Our Whole Lives. I dealt with a great deal of pain in my life because I was not given proper sex education from my parents. Sex education that most people consider normal (where babies come from, heterosexual sex, periods, etc) just wasn't discussed in my home, of course sex education on things like homosexuality and bisexuality was non existent, in school or at home. So now that I have a child of my own, I will be sure not to make the same mistake my parents made, as to teaching about all the various things sex education entails. Teaching values is also important, but I do think its important to give kids the information about things, even if you might disagree with it, as the moderator spoke about how will your children ever talk to you if you don't talk to them about it? Both my partner and I kept closeted to our parents for more than 3 years because we were afraid they would reject us. Of course when they were faced with their children being something that they might have originally rejected, they accepted and tried to learn about it. We were overjoyed not to have to cut our parents out of our lives, or vice versa. Now they have a grandchild from this loving partnership of 12 years, and we are one very happy family together. Of course we are not married, nor can be at this point (and I sure hope it becomes legal for us soon), so I guess that means in some of your homes we would not be welcome to sleep together? Not that we would be your houseguests since we don't know you, but it's an important question I think.
post #85 of 108
Actually, Jwebbal, it was me (a former moderator-- no longer a moderator) who brought up the statement of purpose. And, I noticed that you and I are both religious educators, so I thought I would wave hello and say welcome to MDC.

Sierra
post #86 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jwebbal
so I guess that means in some of your homes we would not be welcome to sleep together? Not that we would be your houseguests since we don't know you, but it's an important question I think.
Welcome, Jwebbal!

We pretty well deal with things that come up, when they come up. Race was a good example. We have some relatives who are bigots. I have asked them not to use bigoted terms around DS's, but in the way of ignorance and bigots, sometimes they slip up and forget that a "normal" word for them is a no-no for us. We explain it by, "some people don't like other people because of the way they look, and use words we don't like. We don't like it what they do, but we still love that person even if we don't agree." Et cetera.

I have a cousin who is most likely gay. Now, I'm a pretty conservative gal, I don't much like it, understand it, or agree with it, but it's not my life, it's his. My biggest frustration with him is that he will not come out of the closet. He lived with a guy for 8 years and they bought a house together. They broke up a few years ago and now he has a home and is living with another man. But he denies to the family that he is gay. He doesn't come around or visit the family, ever, and it has left a huge hole in my life. If he would just get out of the closet, I would welcome him and his partner in our lives. I would explain to my children that people have special friends and sometimes they are both men and sometimes both women. I don't think it will be a big deal to talk about it when it comes up, but I think it is extremely difficult to talk about subjects like these in the abstract sense to children until they get to a point developmentally where they can grasp things like that. I think the "values" that I wish to impart to them will flow naturally. I don't feel like I can bring up my cousin because he's not "out" and children being children, I can imagine my son questioning him about it and him feeling very violated, certainly gossiped about!

All that : to lead up to say, in my case at least, if I had friends who were in a committed homosexual relationship, I wouldn't have a problem having you as guests or explaining that to my son. I have more of a problem with promiscuity than I do homosexuality, quite frankly! I think committed relationships of any form are harder to do than superficial ones.
post #87 of 108
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post #88 of 108
We have sorta talked about it with our kids. We have told them the proper names for their parts but we still in general conversation call dds' parts yoni and ds peepee. I had to tell dd not to put food in her yoni the other day

I have told the kids that no one else is allowed to touch their parts but them unless they ask for mommy or daddy's help in the bathroom or tub. And we did have a little talk about babies when I was pregnant with my last child. Ds kept asking how the baby got in there so I told him that daddy put the baby in there with a little help from mommy. That we love each other and like Debra we used the term special hug. Since he was only 4 at the time I figured that was what he could handle.
post #89 of 108
I actually started out with my oldest dd referring to her sexual parts as "private parts" and why they are private. As she got older I was more specific as I mentioned before. I figured I had better intervene and give her the correct names when she started calling her parts "front bum" and "back bum". These were terms she made up so I thought it was time.
post #90 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by pilesoflaundry
I had to tell dd not to put food in her yoni the other day...
lol. I had to tell DD not to stick her crayon in there...she puts crayons in EVERYTHING but it was a surprise to see her trying that, lol!

you know, my mother is a staunch catholic and she didn't let me sleep with my boyfriends when we stayed at her place, even when I was LIVING with the guy. and you know what? it's her house and she gets to make the rules...i could totally respect that even if I didn't agree that there was anything wrong with premarital sleeping (and like we were gonna have sex with my mother's room right next door anyways!!).

To keep this on-topic, you guys have inspired me. I keep telling DD that Baby Sasha is in mama's tummy, but I suppose I should refer to it as a uterus. She's only just 2 so she won't get it anyways, but I suppose I should start now.
post #91 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shann
It just kind of amazes me that in this day and age anyone would object to an unmarried couple sleeping together in the same bed ! We should be WAAAY over worrying about such antiquated things now !
Before Dh and I were married if we stayed at my parents' house, we had to sleep in separate beds. We thought it was dumb, but it's their house... It wasn't like I was bringing a new guy over every week either and wanted to sleep together under their roof... We were ENGAGED and living together and still could not sleep in the same bed at their house! But once we were married, we could.

They're Catholic, so I try to respect their beliefs even if I do not share them. Here's the funny part, my parents have been married for ages and THEY sleep not only in separate beds, but separate ROOMS.
post #92 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Piglet68
you know, my mother is a staunch catholic and she didn't let me sleep with my boyfriends when we stayed at her place, even when I was LIVING with the guy.
Piglet, I think we had the same mom!
post #93 of 108
Quote:
I'd have to say yes, maybe, on the idea that my kids would assume you were girlfriends or sisters.
I have not talked with her about homosexualtiy and frankly would have no idea how or when to. My religious beliefs have taught me that it is wrong but I feel differently about it than that. I feel like it's one more thing that doesn't concern me. I have no right to an opnion on it kwim? It's not my life choice, it's not hurting anyone either
i have to ask: so you'll just let your kids remain ignorant of this until it happens to affect you in some way?


Quote:
I dealt with a great deal of pain in my life because I was not given proper sex education from my parents. Sex education that most people consider normal (where babies come from, heterosexual sex, periods, etc) just wasn't discussed in my home, of course sex education on things like homosexuality and bisexuality was non existent, in school or at home.
me too. the most "education" me and my siblings got on the subject was that our private parts were wrong and dirty.

i never even heard the words "gay" or "lesbian" or "bisexual" until i was in junior high school and heard it from my peers, and even then i didn't know what it was. it would have saved me a lot of heartache if i had been able to put a name to my feelings ~ and not felt they were wrong ~ right from the beginning. but because i was kept ignorant, and then when the issue was finally dealt with, it was skirted and called wrong / disgusting / awful / bad / etc ~ i had no idea how to reconcile my feelings with what i had learned growing up.

we can't just avoid an issue because we're uncomfortable talking about it any more than we can avoid potty training simply because we hate the idea of the mess.


btw, welcome Jwebble.
post #94 of 108
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post #95 of 108
I hear ya... it's rather sad that you should feel the need to give sex ed before your child starts grade school.

I am teaching dd that no one else should be touching her parts except mommy or daddy when she needs help in the tub or bath (or my mom or MIL if she is with them). I am also teaching her to respect my ds' parts as well and letting her know that they are not for other people to touch.

That's all we're doing for now... I really really don't think she is old enough for more than that at this point.
post #96 of 108
Quote:
It totally disgusts me that in our society kids need to know about sex by 5.
i don't think they need to know about sex by 5... but i do think they should have basic knowledge of their body parts, as well as the different ~ but common ~ types of relationships people can have. i also think that if a child is ready to handle it and is curious, they ought to be taught where babies come from and how they're made. this doesn't have to involve copious details about the act of lovemaking if a child's not ready for it. i also think children should be armed with enough knowledge to know when someone is taking advantage of them, because sexual abuse is unfortunately so common in our society. i would much rather raise an aware child who knows a bit more than he "should" than have an ignorant child be molested and not even know how to tell me because i never empowered them with knowledge... kwim? and sexuality is so pervasive in this culture, it's very difficult to completely eliminate it from a child's world. they're probably going to end up being exposed whether we as their parents like it or not. at my local elementary school, one of my neighbor's daughters was pressured into having "play sex" with a boy in her class at recess ~ these were both kindegarteners. so... maybe it *is* necessary to give our children this knowledge, if for no other reason to empower them to say NO.

also, there is a big difference between two people being sisters, and two people loving each other intimately, or i guess you might say, as Husband And Wife. people fulfill different places in each other's lives, and i don't think there's anything wrong with exposing a child to the idea that people can love others in different ways. the topic of love or closeness doesn't have to involve the concept of sex at a young age.
post #97 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Piglet68

To keep this on-topic, you guys have inspired me. I keep telling DD that Baby Sasha is in mama's tummy, but I suppose I should refer to it as a uterus. She's only just 2 so she won't get it anyways, but I suppose I should start now.

My doctor told my dd that the baby lives in a special home inside mommy's tummy that's made especially and only for babies to live. That was neat.
post #98 of 108
Quote:
My doctor told my dd that the baby lives in a special home inside mommy's tummy that's made especially and only for babies to live. That was neat.
someone tried to tell my son that (along those lines) and he said, "NO, my yitto sisto is in mommy's UTERUS." :LOL
post #99 of 108
Quote from My~hearts~light:

"It totally disgusts me that in our society kids need to know about sex by 5"
==========================================
It really doesn't *disgust* me. I think sex is an incredible, beautiful, celebratory thing (excluding sexuality that is forced and child molestation... which really has little or nothing to do with sex at all ) and it's good to know about it. Now I am not saying that kids all have to know about sex at age 5 (different kids, different families, different needs..) But I wonder where the idea that sex is bad or shameful or dirty comes from? It's always been a head scratcher for me. Kristi
post #100 of 108
Oh yes..

My son tried to educate the neighbor boy on what a uterus was when a good friend of ours was pregnant. The boy kept saying "That baby will break her stomach if it gets bigger!" and my then 6 yr old son felt the need to correct and explain lol. Kristi
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