Don't know what's wrong with me - Page 2

[behr]

Think I know how you feel

Hi Raihana,
your post brought tears to my eyes, I think I know how you feel, and it is just sooo sad. I had a girl by C-section last October (planned hb) and in the month that followed I sometimes tought she doesn't like me and I don't specifically care for her either... I do think it was mostly ppd and the feelings of sadness that follow and linger for some time. I went through the motions, basically overextending myself in order to mute the guilt. It had all been such a dream with my firstborn and I had had such high expectations. But maybe that was the mistake!?
Anyway, it is all a bad memory now, since love slowly krept up on us both. For a few month now I do enjoy her smell, her sweet smile, and everything about her. I didn't get any help since I still can't even get close to a doctor's office, but I gave her baby massage every day, and made sure there was a special time for the two of us every day.
I hope you will get better, I wish you the very best, but know that some have felt similarly and things can change. The feelings I have for my daughter now are even more precious after the hard months behind us. Still, I mourn for every single day I lost.
Take good care of yourself!!
Beate

[Marlene]

Hi Raihana,
I don't have much of an answer for you, but sometimes it helps to know we are not alone. My dd was born in Nov. and I am still waiting for the flood of love I hear about from other mothers... I know I do love her, somewhere deep inside of me, but what I feel is a very strong sense of obligation, not love. She is my first so I don't even know what it feels like and my birthing experience was wonderful, oh and she is high need so we seeem to bond, I just don't feel that love. ?
Anyway, everyone seems to think it will hit us eventually so I wish you the best and stay posting, like-minded parents help.
Marlene

[maisy]

Dear Raihana, I didn't have a c-section with my second child, yet I shared some of the same emotions you are having with your little one. My first ds needed to be held (and nursed) ALL the time. It was a wonderful time, I felt incredibly close to him and completely in love with him. My dd was an *easy baby*, she slept 4hrs at a stretch right away without being held---(what?! babies really do that!!? I was so shocked). And because I wanted to give ds attention, I would put her down. I felt like there was this distance between us and it really frightened me. I began trying to spend time just with her (it helped I think) but there was just no getting around the fact that I didn't love her the same way I loved my son. I read what i'm amy wrote: "Give him a chance to reveal himself to you....he will". I started to cry, because that's exactly what happened for my sweet dd and I. I don't know when or precisely how it happened but I am crazy in love with this amazing little girl. And that time that I felt unconnected to her seems like a lifetime ago. If you suspect you may be experiencing ppd or baby blues you may need to investigate what kind of help is available. And if it's not.....my best (humble) advice is to give it time and be kind to yourself. Sending loving thoughts your way! Maisy

[eliv]

While pregnant with DD 8 years ago, I spent the entire nine months worried about her health, yet not feeling any real attachment to the child within me. That being my first pregnancy tho, I didn't have a basis for comparison so I assumed it was normal, that I would fall in love after she was born. Then I ended up needing an emergency c-sect which I was put under for and then held in the ICU for the next 15 hours. By the time I was returned to my room and handed my daughter, not only was I in real pain from the incision...but this perfect, beautiful girl felt like a complete stranger to me. I felt protective of her, but no real affection, no breath taking surge of love like I had expected. She had a terrible time nursing (due I believe to the drugs administered during my 18 hour labour and subsequent c-sect) and I had to fight the nurses not to give her formula. She turned out to be an extremely sensitive, high-need baby...and I responded dutifully to her needs, swaddling her and carrying her in her sling almost constantly, nursing on demand...and yet, after a month I was still refering to her as 'the baby' and not by her name, so foriegn she still felt to me. Eventually real love developed, but it took much, much longer than I thought it would have. All my visions and expectations of labour, delivery and what a baby would be like had to be re-structured to incorporate what my actual experience WAS. She is nearly 8 now, and I still struggle with being the parent she needs me to be as our personalities are complete opposites. I keep trying, tho, and she can see and feel that I really want to be the mama she needs. I feel probably more guilty now that I have DS, as the entire pregnancy, birth and just our relationship in general seem to flow with the greatest of ease! I felt very very attached to him early in my pregnancy, had a successful VBAC, he came out big and calm and quietly looking around the darkened room, our personalities are very similar, in general he just makes so much SENSE to me. When I took him in my arms I was filled with so much emotion I thought my heart would burst. Sorry this got so long, I thought perhaps sharing my experience would help you feel less alone. It
sounds like you have alot on your plate right now and would benefit greatly from some help around the house. Is there anyone who could come stay with you for a few days to help with the other kids, so you can devote some uninterrupted time with the new baby? Kind of a 'babymoon' period? Also hold him naked against your bare chest, this totally helped with my daughter and I forming a bond...just feel how tiny he is, how perfect and soft, etc...and think warm, loving thoughts while doing so, they pick up on that, too! Everything will be fine...{{hugs}}

[trudy]

Raihana

Aroha Raihana, I hope by now your relationship with your baby is as sweet as it can be, I totally agree with all the other contributions made thus far, life is always holistic and there never is just one answer. Perhaps if you still feel something is missing you should see a Naturopath,e.g., it is becoming very common that women suffer a deficiency of essential fatty acids, found in Flaxseed or evening primrose oils etc and this often causes ppd. Also can be involved with ADD etc. Within 3 weeks of supplementation, this deficiency can be resolved quite simply, or there may be a mineral deficiency, all easily helped, there is no need to miss out on this most special part of life. Much aroha, Trudy.

[TreeLove]

Can you stand just one more affirmation?

When I was pg w/ Gus and Emmet we were told that most likely they would die in utero. I was put on complete bedrest for two months before they were born and I had no other children so all I did all day was lay on the couch and feel them moving inside me. I wanted to remember what it felt like incase they did die. Then they were born at 29 weeks, completely sick. Emmet fought death for 2 weeks. I was so afraid that my time with them was limited that I spent 12 hours a day sitting at their bedside, just looking at them trying to burn their pictures into my head.

Then 3 months later they came home. They were still really sick and on monitors and O2. I really threw myself into becomeing the very best mom in the history of the world! I spent the next 2.5 years trying to teach them and get them caught up to their peers.

Then I had Abe.

When I was pg with him I barely noticed it. I didn't have even 5 minutes a day to acknowledge the lil babe growing in my belly. My toddlin' twins took up every minute of the day and half the night. The whole pg was like that. I also recieved a crushing blow 2-3 months into the pg. I was NOT a canidate for VBAC, and would HAVE to have a c-birth. This caused depression very early on in the pg. It never left.

The day he was born by planned c-birth, I just wasn't ready. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I was scared and just didn't feel happy. I already felt tired and overwhelmed before they ever lifted him out. When he was born and dh said "It's a BOY!" I was dumbstruck. For 9 months I had thought FOR SURE it was a girl, and frankly, for a short time, I was disappointed. I felt like "who is this kid?" If I hadn't seen the birthmark on his cheek minutes after birth I would have thought we took home the wrong baby! Dh confided the VERY SAME THING a few months ago!!!!

Nursing was a flop. He just couldn't do it. No one, not the pedis, nor the LCs, or the nurses ever figured it out. Then, to top it off, he always cried when *I* held him. He was quiet for Grandma, Papa, the neighbor and ANYONE else, but screamed when I was near. So I wasn't "allowed" to birth him, couldn't nurse him, and then he hated for me to touch him. Man, PPD began to rear it's ugly head and stayed for about a year.

I totally do not remember ONE thing between 2 weeks pp and 10 months. I remember dressing him in a blue and white striped onsie at about 2 weeks and the next thing I remember is putting him in our new sling at 10 months. I'm TOTALLY serious. When I see baby pics of him, he looks like a distant relative. It's SOOO weird.

Mama, you are not alone. I still don't have that fierce love for him like I do the twins-it's the lazy river kind, fer sure.

I am PLEADING with you to call someone re: possible ppd. It's the pits and it can steal your life from you.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! You are an AWESOME mama 'cause you recognize it, and are trying to figure it out, understand and accept it! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me if you need to. I'll send you my phone # and you can call me day or night.

I'M SERIOUS!!! PPD STOLE MY HAPPINESS and I don't want any mama and baby to ever have to go through it again!



Love,
TreeLove [e-mail]