mother grieving mother

[Mamajamz]

Hello all. I've never visited this forum before. My love to all of you posting here who are grieving. My heart is heavy from reading the titles. I'm entering a new stage of life with my mother. SHe is losing her mother. NOt only am I sad that I am losing my precious grandmother that I have been blessed to have in my life all these years, but I am grieving for and with my mother. SHe is hurting so badly as she watches her mother's health deteriorate. If anyone has any encouraging thoughts of things that have helped you to cope if you have been in a similar position I would love to hear it. I don't know what to say to her other than I'm sorry this is such a hard time for her and that I love her. I have difficulty letting myself empathize too much because I can't imagine having to be in her place in the future--I can't imagine the pain of losing HER, so maybe I can't enter her pain as much as I think she needs me to. Anyway, life is good, but dang it's hard sometimes. I hate goodbyes.

[QueeTheBean]

Sorry you are all going through this. My mother lost her mom 2 or 3 years ago. It was really awful. My parents had moved away from their families, but then returned 20 years later to be with her mom & his aunt--their oldest living relatives. Both ended up dying within a few years, but my folks were so glad they had moved back in time.

It was terrible to watch my mom go through what yours is going through right now. I can still cry just thinking about it. When the end finally came, although it was expected--it was still a horrible shock to my mom. It was all complicated by the fact that her mom got not such great care at the hospital . . . that's anoter story. Anyway, of course, the pain softens over time, but it was so very hard. She did the eulogy at the funeral--no one else could have done so well--my mother was her only daughter.

I, too, went through (and still do) the imagining of what it would be like if my mom dies (if . . not when ) I just CANNOT even bear the thought of it. I am truly blessed with a wonderful mama & would be lost without her. She calls me every Saturday, and many weeks, that is the highlight of my week! She lives 9 hours away & I am going there this week to spend 10 days with her!

I think everything you are saying & doing is fine. Remember, you are & will be grieving, too, so don't forget yourself. Let others help you, too.

[Natalya]

i haven't lost my nother or father yet, but lately i have thought of it. here's why- my grandma came to visit my family just recently and my brother commented that this was the first time she's ever looked old to him. i started thinking about how lonely my mom would be without her, and it lead me to think of my father loosing his father. then a picture went through my head- a picture of my father nuzzling my son, his grandson and i realized that this is the cycle of death and life that we are meant to go through. that though we may loose someone that is so special, there are others that God sends us, and these are his wonderful uncomporable gifts he blesses us with in life.

i don't know what you can say but i do know your simple deep love, her joy in/of you, will be a comfort. not only that but i know when i grieved the loss of a friend, i didn't want to be comforted. it was my way of remembering him, i think grief is a healthy and beautiful, healing expression of your love.

i am truly sorry for your loss.

[magemom]

I am doing this now. My grandmother is a bitter old bat. But it hurts my mom to know she is dying. G'ma seemed to be giving up and that has been horrible to see. I have found myself in almost a role reversal with my own mother and it is weird. Then it is hard for me because i am the oldest grandchild. After my sister there is a 9 year gap. I fell like I should really be stepping in more, but I can't. I am detatched enough that I can hand back the crap g'ma is shoveling where her kids are eating up the guilt she dishes out. I try to help my own mother see other sides besides her own grief.

I posted something similar on the talk amungst ourselves board. I got a suggestion to move it to find my tribe, but I was so drained after another day of calls and emails about g'ma it was more than I could take.

It is like we are mourning the family member loss, the change in the dynamic, sad for our mothers and smacked with one day it will be us living it and them dying it.

[Mamajamz]

It's interesting to watch the dynamic--My mother has complained so much about her mother through her life. And it's true, my g'ma has been an old fart since she was young. I think the meaning of losing your last parent, esp the mother--the one who most holds your history and the "ultimate" caregiver (no matter how bad the care was)-- is what is so difficult. I think about that a lot as I see Mom aging too. No matter what my issues, she will always be "Mom", the one who brought me into this world. I think there is a deep existential affirmation to connecting with your mother because of that, and so when she is dying, or dies, something so deep even beyond grief is touched in a profound way. I ramble....and yeah, I'm also seeing the joy that the next generation, the promise of new life brings.

Ugh! It just hit me--I think I'm also grieving the end of my childbearing years. I'm in transition too, as well as my mother since I am the youngest. Maybe we need to have one more to make it an even four! ha Just delay the inevitable a little longer. There's something about babies and young children that remind us of....well, there's a lot of poetry written about this. Anyway...

[applejuice]

Talk to your Grandmother about things that she can tell you about her life while she still can talk if she is comfortable talking while ill.

This is so important. My Father, DH, Grandparents, IL's are all gone, but I always made time to visit with them and talk about their lives....

Let her know you love her and tell her about some favorite times you had with her ...you will have no regrets...

[applejuice]

Post Script...You will always miss her....the sorrow will never go away, only get farther away in time...

[Mamajamz]

Good thoughts, Apple Juice. I have always done little things for her, but lately I have avoided calling her--not wanting to make it difficult/uncomfortable, but that's just being selfish. You're right--I know I'll want to have no regrets when she is gone.