My Mum took ds to see Shrek 2! AAARGH!

[robugmum]

I am so angry! We try very hard to limit ds's exposure to commercial media. (he is only 4 and a half) We had decided a long time ago that he was not ready, nor would he be ready anytime soon, to see a mainstream movie on the big screen. Last night my Mum drops him of at 10:30 pm because he decided at the last minute that he didn't want to sleep over. No problem, he comes in, dh puts him to bed. Just as they were leaving my mum casually mentions that she took him to see Shrek 2! I was totally floored. I know that she is aware of our family values about media. We have had many conversations about it. I feel like she knew we wouldn't like it but decided to go behind our backs and take him anyway. What do I do? Am I overreacting? Has this happened to anyone else?

Oh, I should also mention, she gave him his first haircut, the day before his first birthday, after I had told her very firmly that we weren't going to cut his hair yet. I was even more upset then. I feel like she's gone and repeated the whole thing!

[Ann-Marita]

I don't think you're overreacting. This feels like a power play to me. There's more to it than just a haircut or just a movie. She's clearly disregarding your wishes regarding your own son.

Can you tell your mum that she is overstepping boundaries - that she doesn't get to make those decisions? And then be firm about enforcing those boundaries.

[Aura_Kitten]

... personally i think you're overreacting. my son will be 4 in a month and loves Shrek. we limit his exposure to media too, but i see nothing wrong with letting him watch movies and videos occasionally ~ some exposure to it is, IMO, beneficial. it expands his world view and allows us to discuss issues that we wouldn't normally think to bring up. he just saw Shrek 2 about a week ago, and it opened up a fair amount of discussion ("why do fairies have wings?" "why wasn't Lord Farquad there after the dragon ate him?" etc.) have you discussed the movie at all with your son? did he like it? does he have questions about it?

do you homeschool? does your son watch any other movies or tv at all? if so, what kinds of things do you allow him to be exposed to?

do you limit the types of pretend play he can do? what books do you allow him to read? what books do you allow your mum to read to him?

does he have many friends? are his friends homeschooled? are all of his friends limited in the amount of media they are exposed to as well, or are they allowed to watch / read / listen to a greater variety of things?



and IMO the haircut thing is a whole different issue, and honestly that was years ago. i don't think i would let that color my view of the movie incident if it were me.

eta ~ if you feel like a boundary was broken, why not just sit down and discuss it with your mum? for example, say something like, "next time you would like to take him to a movie, please ask us first and we can talk about it."

[Faith]

I don't think you are over-reacting at all.

It is not about Shrek!!! It is about the principle that you, the mom, said "we do not allow X" and another person took your DC and knowingly went and did X.

It was not your mom's choice to make, and it is not up to other moms in this thread to say that Shrek is perfectly fine. It is YOUR choice.
Everyone is going to have different rules. Maybe you wouldn't care if your mom gave your kids sugary donuts with pink frosting, but it would make one of the above posters flip out, yk?

You are the mom, you get to make the rules, and other people do not get to over-ride them just because they don't agree.

I think the haircut thing was even worse.

If your mom is reasonable, I would have a nice long talk with her about boundaries and family rules. But in the end, you are the one that needs to make sure the boundaries are enforced.

[bobica]

ITA about it being the principle. While i feel that some exposure to mainstream media is beneficial for socialization purposes, it's about respecting your wishes as parents. My mom lives upstaiars from us which is often a blessing but can often be very trying. After repeatedly taking dd to the beach for a quick play (coming back for her nap overtired & covered in sand) after we asked her a whole bunch of times not to (we live down the block from the beach & want her to think of it as a place we go & stay for a while, not on a whim), we "grounded" her. Her access to dd was severely limited for several days.

talking to my mom does NOTHING. she's impulsive & never thinks before she acts. she's also incredibly thoughtful & generous, so we really try to pick our battles. i get all emotionally involved in these issues. dh is much more grounded- "she disobeyed, now she has consequences". ah the simple life of being in a man's head

the haircut was WAY over the top & IMO was an absolute power play. it's obviously still weighing very heavily on you & may need to be hashed out so you can move forward. she's your mom, but sitting down with her WITH dh could make a difference. my mom listens to dh much more than she does to me!

good luck!!!

[LunaMom]

I agree, it isn't about the movie itself. Whether or not anyone else feels it is fine for a child this age to see Shrek 2 is irrelevant. I took my daughter to see it, but she is my child and it was my decision. I don't think robugmum is interested in a debate over the appropriateness of Shrek or movies in general.

The point is that robugmum's mum ( that sounds cute) undermined her authority by doing this. Fortunately, watching Shrek 2 shouldn't scar the child or anything, but the issue is, if your mother is willing to go against your wishes, what other harmful things might she do?

It's important to set things straight with anyone who will be caring for your child in your absence and say, "These are my rules; I know you may disagree with them, but I expect you to respect them."

Hope she doesn't do anything like this again! Sorry that happened to you.

[robugmum]

Wow, thanks so much for alll of your thoughtful responses!
It wasn't about Shrek itself so much as the fact that my mum took him to see a movie. I feel that he is too young. Plus, she and I have had lots of conversations about the fact that we don't like him to see too much TV or movies. She should have known it wasn't ok with us. We don't totally ban media. He actually gets to see a fair bit. But, IMO, watching a video at home on a small screen TV (with a pause button) with one's mum and dad is very different than sitting in a huge room where the movie's sound and sights are really loud and bold. There there is no chance for pausing and discussing what's going on in a movie theatre and I think that's crucial to develop a good sense of media savvy. The problem with Shrek itself is that my little guy tends to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to obnoxious, wisecracking characters. From what I've heard, there are quite a lot of them in Shrek. I also, take exception to the fact that today's movies are very heavily marketed to small children but their content is definitely not appropriate for them. Ds's favourite thing about the movie was that he got to eat popcorn out of a Spiderman bucket!

I did try to talk to my mum about why I was upset, I told her all the reasons above, plus that we felt it really stifled his creativity and imagination to see stories laid out like that with larger than life characters. She swears up and down that she had no idea it would be a problem : and responded with "well, sometimes grandparents have to get to do fun stuff too".
When the hair incident happened, her response to my very calm and rational attempt to try to help her put herself in my shoes was "Well, I guess I just never felt like I needed as much control when you were small"

She definitely has difficulty respecting our boundaries. Trouble is, its not so simple as just cutting her out. 90% of the time she's great. My kids love her and so do I. My husband and I have joked about trying to draft a complete list of all the things we want her to ask us about before doing them with the kids!

[MPJJJ]

I do not think I would allow her to babysit. My MIL cut my sons' hair behind my back when she knew she wasn't allowed to, amoung other things. That shattered my trust in her, and it will be years before she is allowed to be alone with my boys.

[lab]

I would be FURIOUS!

She would not be allowed to take my kids anywhere without me!

Her responses to your concerns are rude and insensitive! That was the part that I had the hardest time with! Can you say passive aggressive????

Good Lord! What is wrong with people?

FWIW! Don't you EVER let people hassle you for your media choices with your kid. I don't give &$&* what my friends, family or neighbors think of my choices regarding movies and television. I'm comfortable with my decision and that is all that matters!

[EMZ]

Was your mom sitting and doing you a favor? If so, then I'd let it go and not ever ask her to sit again.

If your mom was just spending time with her grandson then I'd make sure she spent time with him in my presence.

[caycat]

I would be frustrated as well. I know how I feel after my ds comes home from my dad's--hyped up on Toy Story and sugar. I, however, think intergenerational relationships are really important.

Is this something an issue that you would be willing to make a deal breaker with your mum? Would you be willing to seriously reduce your ds's access to her and diminish their relationship?

My mum watches ds one day a week. That relationship is more important to me than the fact he plays on the Bob the Builder website with her. (On a plus side, she has taught him all about mixing colours and musical notes) My father (who was always limiting my tv and not letting me eat sweets before dinner!!!) introduced commercial video to ds and feeds him food I think of as garbage. But he loves ds to death. (I limit the right before bed visits, however, as ds gets way too hyper from it)

Yes, parents do power trips on their kids. (I agree the haircut was a power trip. But she also probably couldn't fathom why you wouldn't want to.) They probably think they know best--they raised you and look how great you are. When my parents cross the line, I try and talk to them. After a while, they do get the general drift.

I also try and cut them some slack--grandparents, in general, don't get that much time with they kids--so IMO a bit of Toy Story (a truly over stimulating film) won't really hurt once in a while. I think they want to have fun after being the authority figures for so long with us. I also know my parents find ds exhausting--they use the tv/computer as down time to recharge. They're in their 70s so I can understand--he exhausts me!

By the way, my dad HAS reduced the sugar/video componant after some serious talks and observing ds running around like a maniac.

A-C
Mothering two wonderful boys 06/21/00 and 18/15/03

[mamajama]

I can't help but give my 2 cents worth here. I do think you would be overreacting if you did not let you're mum babysit anymore. I think it is important to weigh things out. Is it more important for your son to spend time with his grandma or for him not to see stupid movies and get geeky Grandma haircuts? The thing is, he will be exposed to these things in the media. As much as we like to protect our children from it, it is out there, on the playground, in the stores...everywhere. I think it is very important to make our views known and keep the junk out of our homes but also to show our children that we are open to dialogue about these things as well. Also, the haircut thing is something I have seen happen so much! I haven't experienced it myself but I have so many friends who's mums or mother-in-laws have done the hidden haircut thing. It must be something about grandmas, they can't help it. They love the baby and they love the hair and somehow a pair of scissors seems to inevitably get involved. It probably stems back to playing with dolls. You know when you couldn't resist giving the trim even though you knew it would never grow back because it's a doll but you got so caught up in the moment that you just couldn't help it?
Maybe a little more of a sense of humor is in order here. Afterall life is short and a Grandma's love is precious.

[TiredX2]

About the haircut thing... not sure I could *ever* forgive that.

About the movie... I think she was out of line BUT I also think that she could easily have misunderstood your rules. Since DS is allowed to watch movies on occasion, she could have thought it was a treat type thing, just not too often, etc. I could see where someone would think that a movie is a nice treat and something special to do together. But, that explanation doesn't totally sit well w/me because you think she would mention/ask about it *first*.

If your two complaints are about the haircut and the movie, though, and there aren't larger issues, I'd probably count myself lucky, clarify the specific rules (from now on no tv/movies/etc w/out prior permission, no hair cuts, etc...) and try to let it go.

[MPJJJ]

Originally Posted by mamajama

I can't help but give my 2 cents worth here. I do think you would be overreacting if you did not let you're mum babysit anymore. I think it is important to weigh things out. Is it more important for your son to spend time with his grandma or for him not to see stupid movies and get geeky Grandma haircuts? The thing is, he will be exposed to these things in the media. As much as we like to protect our children from it, it is out there, on the playground, in the stores...everywhere. I think it is very important to make our views known and keep the junk out of our homes but also to show our children that we are open to dialogue about these things as well. Also, the haircut thing is something I have seen happen so much! I haven't experienced it myself but I have so many friends who's mums or mother-in-laws have done the hidden haircut thing. It must be something about grandmas, they can't help it. They love the baby and they love the hair and somehow a pair of scissors seems to inevitably get involved. It probably stems back to playing with dolls. You know when you couldn't resist giving the trim even though you knew it would never grow back because it's a doll but you got so caught up in the moment that you just couldn't help it?
Maybe a little more of a sense of humor is in order here. Afterall life is short and a Grandma's love is precious.

I have to respectfully disgree with your POV. Grandparents cannot 'help' but cut their grandbabies hair?! Ummm... YES THEY CAN!!! It's called respecting the parent's decisions and feelings. They're doing somehing so obvious is a blatent disrespect of the baby's parent... it is saying "I can do this, now live with it." There is NO reason to come anywhere close to a grandchild with a pair of sizzors when the parents have made it known that it is not allowed. There is NO excuse for these people.

[shanleysmama]

I can see both sides of the fence here.

On the one hand, I would be really peeved if my MIL (not my mom, she would never do something I asked her not to do) did something I specifically asked her not to do. But she does - every Christmas with gifts I ask her NOT to buy. She gets them anyway, and I give them to Goodwill. So if I didn't want my child's hair cut and she took them in for a hair cut I would be ticked. Especially a FIRST hair cut, as that is really a special thing.

On the other hand, she didn't do anything dangerous to your DS - she didn't take him to see "Night of the Living Dead" or have him hang out in a bar and breathe secondhand smoke. At least you don't have to listen to your DS say in a falsetto voice: "I'm wearing women's underwear" - which is what the other characters tell Pinocchio to say so his nose will grow - but he's wearing a thong so he can't say it! I had to listen to my 4yo DD repeat that for a week after seeing the movie, and ask me why he was wearing that! Good thing your DS only remembers the popcorn!

So, I would definitely have a talk with her and tell her to please check with you first before she does something with your DS, so that she stays within your rules and boundaries. He is YOUR child, not hers. She got her chance at mommying when she raised her kids, and you have to live with the results of whatever happens to your kids when they are in her control.

Good luck!

[root*children]

That sucks! I completely feel your pain. We are constantly going through the same thing with both MIL and my mom. My mom is just straight up mischevious (and dangerous). She has taken DS (when he was 18m, no less) around town with no carseat, thrown complete fits b/c he wants frosting on his cookie, I don't, throwing a fit for us not wanting our 4mo sucking on a turkey bone at thanksgiving! She thinks we're depriving him and tells us that frequently. She feels it is her personal job to indulge our children.
My MIL on the other hand has a big problem with the gift giving. After everysingle holiday (seriously, she send packages on all of the major ones) she will make a phone call in this really pathetic voice saying how, "Honey, I know you didn't WANT the children to have bags of candy, but I just knew how much they would like them..."! WTF!
Our solution so far has been to not live near them. BIL & SIL don't have it so good, living only an hour away from MIL. SIL called me crying that MIL had come over and fed her BF baby a bottle b/c she thought he was probably tired of breastfeeding (at 4m).
I guess so what I'm saying is look at it as possitivly as you can. We did have to limit my mom's alone time with the kids b/c of her recklessness. But we're easing up now, although she still can't be alone with the baby, just the 4yo, b/c he can speak up for himself. You have it alot better than some people, kwim? One of my best friends' inlaws visit and babysit her children and have taken them to bars (and lie to her about it) until 11:00 or so at night. Her last straw was when her FIL drove her kids home from the bar while drunk!! Fortunatly, her 7yo told her and she cut off alone time. Sometimes, when the grandparent is being dangerous, it's positively okay to cut off alone time. When it's just a couple things, that don't pose real dangers to the child, it's probably best to just lecture gramma, explain to DC why we don't do that (so he can speak up for himself next time gramma suggests it), and go on with life.

[robugmum]

Holy Crap! No carseat? That would be my last straw for sure! Its nice to hear from all you other mamas that I am not the only one who stuggles with these issues. I guess I have it better than some and worse than others when it comes to grandparents and respecting boundaries.
BTW, I found a book yesterday that I'm going to buy for my mum to read. I can't remember the title but the subtitle is The Corporate Takeover of Childhood. I want to read it first and then recommend it to her. I can let you all know if its any good if you like.

[mealymama]

Originally Posted by klothos

... personally i think you're overreacting. my son will be 4 in a month and loves Shrek. we limit his exposure to media too, but i see nothing wrong with letting him watch movies and videos occasionally

...?

Well, my daughter is almost 4 and she watches videos/goes to the theatre also. She loves it and has never had a problem with overstimulation. As a kid who grew up going to the drive-in from a young age I feel like it's OK.
FOR ME, AND MY FAMILY.
But if I had a strict rule against it, and my mother went behind my back I would be P*SSED.
It's not for her to say what's right for your child. When I go to the movies, especially the drive-in, I see 8 and 9 year olds running around at slasher pictures full of gore and sadistic sexual messages... according to a lot of people, that's ok, too! According to a lot of people, BFing past a year is not Ok. Giving cows milk to tiny infants is fine. Smoking in the next room with the exhaust fan on is fine. Spanking babies is fine, and so on.
And maybe for me, taking a 4 year old to see a kids movie is fine, it doesn't matter what I think, or what your mother thinks. It's not about movies, it's about respecting your values.

On the other hand, grandmas are put on earth to spoil their grandkids and let them do things their mom's won't. She probably just thinks you're being too restrictive and in her mind, she's doing her duty as Grandma. I wouldn't tell her she can't watch him, or give her 'supervised visitaion' as somebody suggested. I'd have a real heart-to-heart with her about it and afterwards take a great big breath and accept that it will happen again and again, and that your grandma probably drove your mom nuts by pumping you full of sugar and letting you run at the mouth and tear the house apart, when you were little.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think there are several possibilities here, and so I have mixed reactions about this.

First, I do think it is entirely possible that she didn't mean to disregard your directions. If you allow some tv/videos/movies, then she may not have done this deliberately at all. I also think that, outside of safety issues, parents and special sitters (not the every-day-daycare sort, but grandparents, godparents, the occassion-its-a-treat sort) should be given leeway in what they do. Now, they should have the grace to ask for permission if they aren't sure about something, and safety is non-negotiable, but other than that you have to give them room to "spoil" a child a bit, at least IMHO. So, if this evening fell into that category, then I believe you may be overreacting, because a movie isn't in the same category as a car seat, IMHO. Its the price we pay for free sitting and family harmony.

All of that said, the haircut thing and her comments may indicate a larger control issue going on, and only you would know this for sure. If your sense is that right now its movies and at 12 its going to be body piercing and drinking (or whatever you fear), then you probably do need to put your foot down and restrict access or be much more clear about what is and isn't allowed.

[momsgotmilk4two]

Well, I'll preface this by saying that you are the mom and have the right to raise your child the way that you want. However, I can't help but think it's a little sad when parents put a damper on the relationship between grandparent/grandchild. If it is a safety issue you absolutely need to step in, but personally I'd hate to come between my mom taking my kids out to see a movie or to the beach. jmo.