not sure what to do now...

[mcmrymoon]

my sil had her daughter a week ago. she had some initial problems nursing and the hospital was no help. anyway - she came home, i found her a great lc who went over, helped her daughter latch on and everything went smoothly. while in the hospital - she started pumping due to the nursing issues she was having. now, however, she pumps so my brother can help feed too. i'm struggling with my feelings here and i need mamas to tell me to mind my own business. here is why:

1 - i think its great that she is pumping so my brother can feed. i never did that. i wanted to cherish every nursing moment with ds and was okay with the fact that i was putting myself second to his needs especially during his first year. i can't help feel like she should do the same (even though its ridiculous to expect that from her) she doesn't need to pump. she has her own company and plans to bring baby to work. her dd is so good so far that sil is well rested, full of energy etc.

2 - i am afraid her pumping is screwing her milk up. i know you can successfully do both but i don't think she is doing it right. also - she is so focused on how many ounces per feeding her dd is eating (which happens often with bottlefeeding moms) that i am afraid she will forgo nursing just so she can keep track of ounces (that happened to a friend of mine) my sil asked me today if it was okay for her dd to eat 4 oz of ebm. i told her never worry about her baby eating too much!!! i told her to call the lc and voice her concerns and she said she was going to but decided not too.

3 - today she had her over and baby cried 3x. all 3x sil went over and stuck a pacifier in her mouth. i have no problem with pacifiers - both my boys used them. baby sucks her thumb - which i think is better than pacifiers - but she feels that thumb-sucking is worse. it doesn't matter - what gets me is that she didn't even attempt to pick her up.

4 - she told me last nite that her dd slept for so and so hours. (she appears to be a great sleeper so far!!) anyway - she said that right before she went down she cried. sil knew it wasn't for hunger so she picked her up and baby quieted down. she said "she just wanted to be held - she's so spoiled" she also told me that she knows someone whose 2 month old baby cries all the time and everyone tells her not to pick up the baby or she'll get spoiled!

i know my sil looks up to me as a mom - she has told me repeatedly. she has tried nursing and plans on trying cloth because of me. she now doesn't think that slings are too "hippy" and may actually try one. she asks my advice all the time and i try to offer it plus offer suggestions as to where she can find answers to things i don't know. this nursing thing really gets to me. i can understand if she wants to use sposies or a stroller - but i can't get over the feeling that if i don't do something - she will stop nursing - and that kills me.

my mom isn't so subtle. she tells her "i hope you do as good as lorena" "don't pump" etc. i know that advice from my mom could make anyone quit anything - even though she is right this time!!!
help me mind my own business!!!

[bec]

Speaking as an EP'r, I have very mixed feelings about pumping. Could you tell us how she is doing it "wrong"? Pumping isn't going to mess up her milk supply. It might make it more abundant, but it won't hurt it. If she is nursing, then pumping, she should be all right. Or if she is pumping while she is nursing on the off side, that is fine too. You might ask her if this is what she is doing. You might recommend she come to this website to read first hand from mom's who do pump, about the realities of pumping exclusively, and how nursing is much easier (for the most part).

What concerns me more is the talk about "spoiling". Could it be that she is talking about it and about her friend because she is trying to get your opinion? You have said that you have influenced her in the past and that she looks up to you. Here is your opportunity to gently give her your opinion and inform her that babies can't be spoiled, should be held a lot, should be fed on demand, and that she shouldn't worry about ounces in, because breasts don't come with measurement lines (sometimes I wish they did.:LOL), that she should count wet and poopy diapers instead to see if baby is getting enough.


Bec

[UrbanPlanter]

one thing that came to mind: if she is concerned with how much baby is eating, tell her that a breastfed baby self-regulates her appetite and will never overfeed. And that it is important to nurse on demand without a schedule and no pacifiers in order to build up an adequate milk supply and nursing relationship. I was told not to use pacifiers or bottles before 6 weeks bc of the possibility of nipple confusion, which could weaken the bfing relationship.

Tell her her husband can do so many things to help other than feed the baby. Bottles and measuring how much and how often can actually be detrimental to successful breastfeeding. If she wants to continue bfing, she should forego all manmade interventions for the time being until she and her daughter have a well-established breastfeeding relationship.

I have a friend who pumped and measured amounts and scheduled, and subsequently moved on to formula bc her daughter "failed to thrive" and she "didn't have enough milk"

Feeding with bottles and using pacifiers can begin the weaning process...

[UrbanPlanter]

Can you hook her up with your local La Leche League meeting? That might be helpful for her.

[Kanga]

Re... the pumping. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's nice to have that flexibility and nice for the Dad to do a bottle occassionally. I didn't do it. But I had some close friends doing it and also adding in some formula occasionally for awhile. It was really hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but in the end she saw that the baby prefered the ebm over formula, and continued bfing for the first year. My point is that every family is unique and will figure out their own comfort level. It's great that bfing is part of that equation with your brother and sil.

RE other parenting issues... sounds like she is just trying to do what she has learned from main stream media she's "supposed" to... but willing to hear alternative point's of view. Give them to her. I really like the Sear's books. Many people are just not fully aware of the benefits of AP and how wonderful it can be. A good one that I especially like is "The Disipline Book" by Dr Sears. It really pushes how having a good attachment with your kids will make your life a zillion times better in the long run... LOTS of good messages here.

Keep being that role model for her!!!

[UrbanPlanter]

The baby is only a week old, right?
I have no problem with pumping later on, like if she has to go to work or whatever.
But for the first month to six weeks I think it is important to focus on breastfeeding alone without bottles or pacifiers - both for avoiding nipple confusion and for becoming successful at it and building up a good supply.

The pumping can certainly happen later, but I think it's a little too soon for it if it isn't necessary.

ETA: a pump is usually not as efficient/effective as a baby's suckling in getting the milk out and building up the supply.