My ex-wife is changin my son's name.

[Rotifer]

My ex-wife has been sending e-mails telling me that she is changing my son's last name to that of her fiancée. I pay child support, live in the same town, and never miss a visitation. The following are excerpts from the e-mails I've received. Has anybody dealt with this? I am at a loss. I relocated to a small town to be closer to my son, seriously compromising my ability to make a decent living (my support is frozen for 3 years, thus, I am paying 50% of my current wages). My point being, it is difficult for me to afford a lawyer. These are from three e-mails over two days, yet she claims that she is not doing this out of spite?
:

When I marry ***, *** and I will both take his name and try to move on with our lives.

*** can go by another last name even if he is not adopted. It would not be on his social security card but it would be accepted in other venues.

Having *** use ***'s last name would increase our family unity and his sense of belonging. You are still his Dad. Streifling would still be on social security card. I think it is good for a child to have the same last name as his primary caregiver. This is not to hurt you.

[lorrielink]

i dont know ne thing about this, or the details of your situation but i dont think its so nice either, she doesnt sound spiteful to me, but im concerned that the importance of makeing the "new dad" feel more invovled then concerning your childs feelings, i would imagine it would cuase confusion, has she asked your child what he/she wants?

as for no money for lawyers, you can almost always get a free consultation and there are many many low cost or sliding scale lawyers to choose from, i would suggest calling the local dshs office and having them send you an info packet, also you obviously have internet access, so i would suggest taking a good amount of time to search for info, theres a large amount of websites devoted to child laws and so forth, good luck

[Rotifer]

My son is only 4. How could this not be troubling and confusing for a four year old child? Is their identity this flexible? Can one explain genetics, thus, the connection between he and I? Thank you for the lawyer advice, I am looking in to that now.

[EnviroBecca]

Jeff, I had a friend in fifth grade whose mother decided he should change his name because she was getting remarried. He was old enough to choose (and I think even 4 is old enough to have some say in this matter!) but she didn't ask him; she TOLD him this was going to happen. He wasn't the type to rebel, and he was nervous of if not actually afraid of his stepdad, but he was NOT happy about this. He felt that it was one more thing distancing him from his dad, that his mom was trying to pretend she had never been with his dad. Also, his original last name was just a nicer name and sounded better with his first name.

I also knew several kids who, at various ages between kindergarten and high school, were adopted by their stepdads and therefore given stepdad's last name. All of the biological dads were completely out of the picture. However, in every case, the kids were irritated by the name change, because they saw the original last name as their OWN name and resented having their identity switched midstream.

I can understand your ex feeling it would be more convenient if everyone in their household had the same last name. However, there are other factors to take into consideration. She might be concerned about "what people will think," but these days there are more and more families with various name configurations, so I doubt your son will encounter any problems in school, etc., if his last name is different from his mom's.

I think it is a particularly bad idea to have your son use a different name than is on his legal records. This will cause endless confusion whenever he does anything involving paperwork: enrolling in school, getting a bank account, getting a job.... Should he ever have any run-ins with the police, having an "alias" will make him automatically suspicious to them even if he's totally innocent.

What if your ex's new marriage doesn't last? Will she want to change the poor kid's name AGAIN?!

Do you and your ex get along well enough that you could sit down together with your son and talk with him about what it would mean to change his name and see what he thinks of it?

[Rotifer]

Do you and your ex get along well enough that you could sit down together with your son and talk with him about what it would mean to change his name and see what he thinks of it?

We have in the past. Frankly, however, her fiancee is the dim, jealous type... sounds mean. I'll only say that he thought Paris was in China. No joke. But that is a very good idea. My only concern is the impact such a discussion may have on him. I sincerely doubt that he wants to change his name and the conflict (internal) could be wrenching. Thanks for the input.

[lilyka]

That really sucks.

My mom assumed I wanted to change my last name when she remarried and just started using it. I was 14. i still occaisionally get stuff with that name on it. Really pisses me off.. if it is really that important to her do you think she would be willing to hyphenate so that your son will have both names? would that be acceptable to you?

At least nothing can be changed leagally without your concent. He will always be reminded of what his real name is and perhaps one day he will get fiesty enough to take it back for himself.

[Rotifer]

I suppose he could hyphenate it. Frankly I just don't see the need. My ex-wife is an odd person, in many respects I feel sorry for her. Mental illness runs in her family and I fear that she may be approaching a break. Her parents had her late in life and are feeble (soon to enter a nursing home), I think she is desperately trying to form this pseudo family to enhance her own stability. Just a little pop psychology for everybody. Of course, she hates me ... we broke up in graduate school and it was not pretty. Hmm.. oh well, I sure am glad I found this forum. I appreciate the female perspective.

[mamafinn]

Another thing you might consider here is getting some group counseling for the 3 of you. Someone with a background in child development/psychology might have really good input and they might be able tell you how a 4y.o. defines self, family, belonging...

Your ex talks about changing names and "moving on with our lives" but their lives, and especially your son's life, will continue to involve you. You are an integral part of who your son is and it seems to me that the next step is becoming a functional divorced family, rather than trying to replace one family with another.

Take care,
Brenda

[Rotifer]

Unfortunately, we all tried counseling recently. This will sound horribly tilted but I assure you that it is true. The first time I met with the counselor (privately) the counselor and I had a wonderful discussion. My son is very bright, so we had a great time talking about his abilities, etc. The counselor (well respected in the area) told me that Sara felt Kieran was being harmed by spending time with me. A quick example - he and I had a discussion about chemistry and the components of an atom. Sara thought I was "pushing" him, trying to live vicariously through his intelligence or some-such. Obviously, she anticipated the psychologist recommending that visits be shortened or suspended. I told the counselor that, were she to recommend something Sara disagreed with, the sessions with Kieran would come to a screeching halt. I had one more session and that is precisely what happened. :

[dfoy]

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure a name change has to be agreed upon by both parents unless she has sole custody of your son. For her to change his name without your consent, I believe, is illegal. Definitely consult with an attorney. She will have to go through the juvenile division of the courts. Call and ask for assistance through the courts.

[Rotifer]

Thanks dfoy. I reviewed my parenting plan this weekend and believe that my ex is impinging on my rights as well as that of my son. Soooo... off to the lawyer. What an unnecessary waste of time and emotional currency.

[lilyka]

She isn't trying to change the name legally right. Just trying to slowly etch you out right?

She is sooo my mother. i am so sorry man. Everything from the new family, new name, only seeing counselers that say what she wants to hear, not listening to you because you can do no right. been there lived with that. If it makes you feel anybetter, I kept fighting for a relationship with my dad untill just recently (unfortuately he is a jerk but that shouldn't have been my moms decission to make) and I turned out as a person with a reasonably sound mind and generally positive outlook on life.

Give your son a hug for me and make sure you stay in his life. take advantage of every visitation, every second you have and continue being a great dad.

best of Luck.

[Rotifer]

Thanks Ilyka. I sought out my estranged father a couple of years ago as well (i don't remember if i mentioned that somewhere in this thread), he is a bit of a jerk. To digress a little ... I watched "Slingblade" again last night. Toward the end the villains rants about how important construction workers are, foundation of the economy, etc. Well, I had to sit through the same thing with my biological father (a retired ironworker). After listening to how useless my college education is, and irrelevant my interest in other cultures, it occurred to my how flat his life is/was. Anyway, thanks again and have a great morning.

[TexasSuz]

My brother-in-law had his ex try to do the same thing - have his child be called by her name but not change it legally. The reason your ex is not changing it legally is because in most states, if you pay child support and visit your child, then the child gets your last name. Even when my borther-in-law's ex took it to court to try to get it changed or hyphenate it, the judge denied her request! Now, if she uses any name but his legal name, she is in comtempt of a court order. We check his school/doctor records and everything to make sure she is not trying to use her name again.

Even if you can't afford one - get a lawyer. You really can't afford not to. I also wonder if she will have your son call the new step-dad "daddy" and will try to eventually stop your visitation altogether so she can have her "new" family fantasy without your interference! Be very careful - anything you say or do can be used against you in court!

Keep records of everything! Been there, done that! But, we won every time - thank God for father's rights laws!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Susan

[Rotifer]

Thanks, I have always been very kind in my e-mails. She was once a sharp, interesting (and interested) person... one reason why I think she is cruising toward a mental break, her behavior has changed considerably. Oh well, aside from the problems with my ex I have a great life ... my success, happiness and stability will help my son in the long run.

[dddD]

Good luck on the name issue.

It sounds like you gave up a lot to be an active part of your son's life, and I just want to commend you for that. It is HUGE, and your son will never forget it.

[WickidaWitch]

Growing up all my life with a name (from birth) that was not mine I also know it sucks! I can always remember telling my mother I wanted her to change my name(to her maiden name) but she didn't. She also like the idea of her whole family having the same last name.:

When I had my first son there was no question for me that he would have his dads last name and not mine. I really hated his by the time he was born too but I was not about to give my son a name that wasn't even my own. (we get along now )
Anyway, I was so happy to get married and also get a new name!

I would think that even if you don't share custody you do pay child support and visit with him so I really think you should have some say as to who's last name the child will have.

Hope everything works out well.

[Rotifer]

Thanks Tammi, you have all helped me through a difficult time!

[familyman]

when i was born in 1959 my mother and bio father were not together. 3 years later she married my step dad and i just assumed his name ( birth cert. had moms maiden name). i always had a hard time pronouncing my (assumed) last name, i never knew my sd was not any different from my bio dad, so i just thought it funny if i thought at all about it. it just never felt right, people always asked me to repeat my name when i said it etc. in my mid teens i found out my dad wasnt my dad, some other guy was. fast forward 20 years and a luke warm relationship with biodad but very close to older biosisters i became a parent myself. i began to watch my kids interact with this other family as though we had a daily relationship with them ( we only saw my sisters once a year or every other year). but my usually shy son was all over these people, even so far as to jump into the arms of my uncle who i had just met myself at age 38. this was not like my kids, so i get thinking blood is very much stronger than we think sometimes and how i needed to honor the bloodline. at age 39 i changed our names. for the kids it wasnt a big deal (leagally) bu i had a birth cert. in one name and my ssi card and drivers license, school record, bank account, credit cards, everything you could think of and some you cant. my dw did most of the work but i still get a headache thinking about the ordeal( going to court etc)
plus from living a counter culture lifestyle most of my life the exposure to big bro was a bummer too. long story shortened... i now have my biodads last name and it just feels right, even my kids names when put together with our new name rolls off the tonge. and it is without a question spiritually right for us.

so please be carefull, a name is powerfull. it honors the blood, it calls the spirit. and a son needs his fathers name to remind him of whence he comes. ( i shared maybe 1000 hrs with my biodad, but he gave me my greatest gift, i will always be a part of my childrens lives. for them and so i dont die alone and lonley like he did).

peace to you and yours
familyman


ps. just hit on fathering on the web, there is all kinds of dads rights sites forr info

[zevulon]

If you think ex is doing this from spite, then it seems you
are right to fight it legally and insist that kid keeps your
family name.

If, however, you think ex is sincere that the new name would
help her and child in new family then perhaps consider proposing
this--child changes middle name to the family name that your ex wants and keeps your family name.