Guy's I need your advice...

[Kauai'Mama]

I didn't get much advice when I posted this elsewhere and I wanted to get the male side;

TV issues,

My husband is very lenient about TV watching. For example he allows his son (my stepson) to watch at the least 3 hours on school nights and I can't keep track of the hours on weekends. He is 11 and I am worried that our new baby boy (3.5months) will get exposed and also turn into a junkie.

I don't like TV watching for kids and think of it as lazy parenting. An occational family movie is OK. I am always trying to come up with new ideas to present to my husband for ways to limit his son. He just feels sorry for his boy cause he knows that he loves it so much. Did I say that he has trouble reading? and poor grades? Doesn't like to play with other kids cause he would rather watch the tube? And I have to practically force him and his older sister (a book worm) to go out side and play! We live in Hawaii!

I will go back to work when our son is 7 months and I work nights so my husband will be with him from 5 PM to bedtime. I have told him that I don't want the baby to watch TV but we have a small house and the tube is in the living room.

What to do?
I will apreciate some words of wisdom.

[papabliss]

Hi,

I am probably not the best person to ask since my militant anti-TV views are widely known.

So, is the problem is too much TV, and it might get worse when you leave? If so, I would suggest a couple to things.

First, get rid of your TV completely.

Second (or if the first suggestion is not possible), then I suggest that you move the TV to a less convenient location, or on a cart that must be put in a closet when not in use.

Third, I suggest that you make up a written and posted list of all the possible things you can think of that can be done with the kids instead of watching TV. Include games, parks, walks, neighborhood activities, cooking, reading, puzzles, toys, friends, household chores, museums, public events, playing around the house, etc.………..

Finally, I suggest that you have a real serious heart-to-heart talk with your DH to make you feelings clear and obvious.

Reducing the amount of TV watching cannot occur in a vacuum, nor without withdrawal. To help make the transition off of TV, it is usually best to have a pile of alternatives at your fingertips. It is also something that you will need to do as well, even if it means loosing the news/movies/etc.

I don’t want to sound preachy, but I have dozens of friends who don’t watch much or any TV, well except a few hours a day if you know what I mean.

Good luck

[Corriander]

Did I say that?!

You could always try sabotage.

When no one is around, drop the TV. Then share the disappointment when everyone discovers that the TV is broken. Of course they will all want to get it fixed or get a new one, but that will give you a few days (hopefully) to get everyone to figure out other things to do.

My mom did this when I was a kid. We always suspected her because of the crack in the TV screen that just *appeared*. We did get a new one eventually, but by that time we had discovered alot of other things to do.

[EnviroBecca]

I like Papa Bliss's idea of having a list of other things to do, but let me suggest that you make this list WITH your husband and stepson. If it's something you post up in an effort to change their behavior, they may resent it; if you include them in the brainstorming, they're more likely to get enthusiastic about it.

[Kauai'Mama]

Thank you so much...

I apreciate all the ideas.

My dh is not sedentary (he was very athletic as a kid and now loves to fish and workout) when he is just with me or by himself but with the kids yes. I think that somewhere he got tired of trying to get them motivated and just allowed them to get to the point that they are at. Their mom is a homebody and encouraged them to just stay home. But they don't do anything except the tube. The kids have bike's, scooters, parks within walking distance, beautiful beaches with in 10 minutes...etc...I think that they are so used to their comfort zone (the tube) that that is all they want to do. I get amazed when dh's son can't catch a football and hardly throw. I do take them out but it is like pulling teeth! I have been also been teaching them to cook (fun things like cookies) but they expect that same amount of time later towards TV!

I will try some of the ideas above!
Wish me luck!
A mama in Kauai' :rotoflamo

[papabliss]

Hi again,

You might also want to check the library to see if they have activity books for kids. It could be a treasure chest of great ideas of things to do.

Good luck.

[familyman]

elmo happens to be entertaining my 18mo as we speak, i try to keep my kids away from coomercial tv, sesame street and other public station programs i find less objectionable even educational. i am also watching my kids behavior after watching animated programs, i am finding that live actors and puppets to leave them less grumpy at the end of their alloted tv time. my dw is a lot more anti tv than i am even though looking back at my kid-hood the tv seemed to always be on ( with the exeption of 4 yrs we lived in the mountains and only had 1 station((pre cable-age)). i find that i can remember more tv tunes than mother goose rhymes. i find using the tv to distract for a minute while i get something done without my helpers is usefull, i do agree that it can be overused to the point of neglect by some parents. i see this when i send my kids out for play dates and they come back wanting the latest sugar cereal or mass marketed toy, i then start inviting that friend over to our house and become unavailable for playdates at their house. that way it wont seem like i am judging the parents and their style or choices. the same holds true for firearms in the home even in a lock box.

gota go but during this posting my ds walked away from elmo to play in our basket of musical instuments. i guess he is making his own choices about the television.

[Dov]

Inquire of the motives for watching, maybe?

I like all the suggestions so far, especially the personal experiences.

Our 5 yo daughter is a highly imaginative Dreamer type kid... every piece of playground equipment or toy is someplace or something else (slides are gateways to other dimensions, monkey bars are escape routes from pirates, etc.) But she also loves to veg out to a movie (over and over again.. nutty Daddy taught her how to use the rewinder thing and the VCR). There was a period where I was working on final projects for school and couldn't play with her and we noticed she was watching movies all the time instead of playing like she usually does.

We asked her what was so appealing about watching rather than doing. Her responses varied from "I'm tired and it's easier to just watch someone else's dreaming" to a shrug. That was a month ago. We started going to the swiming pool every day (she's a mermaid really anyway) and now watching a movie more than once (and then only once a day if that) doesn't appeal to her. We're not sure why exactly but it's probably connected to the pool.... now a "fairy ocean," which we can't get her out of even after four or five hours of solid swimming around. My 2 yo son could care less about TV... he watches for a minute then bolts for the toy box (or Dad's computer...yipe!).

This is of no help I'm sure but it is interesting to investigate the motives for watching instead of doing/playing. If your son is introverted (gets his energy from within as opposed to from others), I think the issue becomes a whole other futbol match. I'm introverted and used to watch hours of TV as a child... albeit with a notebook, either breaking down the story and how it was told or generating new ideas for my own stories.... but sometimes I just watched because I was beat and didn't want to bother with my own stuff. I'm not sure about what might have happened had there been a beach nearby or if I lived in Hawaii.... I'm no help here. Thanks for indulging me.

dov

[Dov]

I just asked the Chief.... she has an idea

Originally posted by Kauai'Mama

Did I say that he has trouble reading? and poor grades? Doesn't like to play with other kids cause he would rather watch the tube? And I have to practically force him and his older sister (a book worm) to go out side and play! We live in Hawaii!

I just showed this to my wife, who kindly brought me a latte... she's swell
She is a teacher and a private tutor (of both honors students and challenged students) and has this observation to share:

Perhaps he's watching TV because it's easier than the reading or school work which seems to him like an obstacle. Does he have difficulty in school? If so, what are the reasons? Usually trouble with school has more to do with a educational/learning style conflict or a learning disability/challenge than with TV habits (although the latter can complicate the former). If he's an introvert (his older sister sounds like one), playing outside or with other kids can be difficult and TV provides a quick fix on a subconscious level. The challenge for you and your dh as parents is how to find alternative activities that fit the child's needs and issues, as well as find out what their motives for not wanting to go out are and what they're all about. There's nothing wrong with introverted kids... but even introverts need external stimulus and physical exercise to stay healthy. The trick is to figure out what will work and what won't... sometimes that includes a little audio-visual entertainment on occasion and sometimes individualized outdoor activities (surfing or hiking instead of baseball or football). Perhaps find him a mentor... someone whom he respects who leads an active lifestyle in ways that interests him. Good luck. TeachinMama (a.k.a. the "Chief"... Dov added this part).

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programs...

Dov

[Pema's Father]

I hope that you have solved this problem by now, but if not, I suggest reading the 2 pieces in the latest issue of Mothering on TV. One was the editorial, and the other I believe was called something like "The Parent's Bill of Rights". Any two parents who want to consciously raise children need to discuss these issues openly and honestly.

I skimmed through this thread and read many other helpful suggestions relating to understanding your child. Kids - in general - are genuises, scholars, musicians, master artists, expert athletes, naturalists, yogis, story tellers....and a thousand other things....waiting to have their potential unlocked. Part of a parent's job is finding the key. Of course this takes a lot of energy and no tv program can ever motivate a child like involved parents, but that's the gift of parenting.

This is all speculation on my part. I'm just about to begin...
I hope these words help.

[somasoul]

This is a good topic.

My family has one TV in our house. It's in our living room in a cabinet. I play video games and the wife and I watch TV on DVD. The TV is rarely on. Even my 6 year old son knows to ask to use the thing. I hear other people say things like "You can't control what your kids watch!" or "They just turn it on. I can't stop them." Well, we do. My kids go days without television.

What gets me is people who let their kids watch this rebellious shite on children's TV. You can turn on Saturday morning cartoons and see any number of Characters bad mouthing others, talking back, making fun of others, etc. A little violence never hurt a kid, but a mean spirit and a quick tounge lands everyone in trouble at least once in their life. Is that the sort of stuff you want your kids watching?

At 4 my kid was watching Spider-Man and Pirates of Carribean. Both slightly violent but the former had a good message and the second was fairly clean stupid fun. Come saturday morning the "children's programming" is nothing short of dangerous.

[captivatedlife]

We don't watch tv in our house.

Don't buy cable and if you do have to get it (we have to for internet) don't buy rabbit ears.

Blank fuzzy screen.

****************

If dp has a favorite show, tell him to go to the local libraries and check out the seasons on dvd.

I think everyone should have a chore list and on that list should include some sort of art / music activity or something. Like a 3 yo can go outside and draw on the wall. Or dance to Johnny Cash. Or make a sculpture. Or go on a nature walk in the back yard. Or research Picasso's past. Ect and so forth.

I know that I watched too much tv growing up. I had a hard time stopping, horrible withdrawls (I'm so not kidding). And everytime I visit my mom and bro, the tv is on. I had to bribe my brother to talk to me for 10 minutes. And when my mom came over the last time, she refused to play a game.... and she was bored. Our tv is probably on 4 hours a week or so..............

[ShaggyDaddy]

I am positive this will not be a popular opinion, but here goes:
I think you are probably focusing on it too much. So he watches tons of TV to the exclusion of other stuff, why is he doing it?

Give ya a hint... it is not the TV's fault so getting rid of the TV won't fix it.

He has a lack of alternatives that interest him. Just because child A would rather run around outside doesn't mean child B would be "enticed" away from the TV by running around outside. I have a 11 year old TV addict brother(in law) who went through a few phases of not wanting to do anything becuase he would miss his shows. Tivo Seriously helped/fixed this problem! Seriously I know people are rolling their eyes and I don't care. He would want to watch Nurato and Yu-Gi-Oh and there are like 3 shows in-between that he didn't care about but he would watch anyway because he didn't want to miss his "important" ones. Now he can watch 1 hour of TV and get the same "satisfaction" he did from watching 2.5 hours before. This is progress to me.

Another big thing people do that annoys me when they go on an anti TV rampage is that if your child happens to have connected with some show, and you make it your mission to dissolve the TV, you get to be the one that disrespects and de-values your child's opinions and priorities, not really the one who rescued them from the TV.

In my opinion the ONLY way you can fix this kind of thing without also driving a wedge between you and your child is to figure out what he is getting from TV that he isn't getting elsewhere and figure out a way to empathize away the need for TV.

Some steps I would take:
Know what he watches.
Ask why he likes these shows - in a non-judgemental and genuinely interested way.
Take notice any time any activity draws him away from the TV.
Make a serious effort to promote/provide those types of activities in the future.

common pitfalls to avoid:
TV Limits - Humans tend to crave and horde anything that becomes scarce
TV tradeoffs - "Every hour reading earns an hour of TV" - Great now reading is a chore that you can grow to hate.
TV Sabatoge - Breaking things, lying, and misleading aren't particularly good tools for building a healthy relationship
TV Putdowns - Every time you say Nurato is stupid he feels like you are attacking his ideas and opinions, and you sort of are.

[somasoul]

I think you're right. Extended and prolonged TV watching occurs when kids don't have anything else or better to do. Maybe expand on it, get books that correlate with his shows. Games. Maybe a club.

If you're kid likes Ninja turtles, maybe karate.

[everettdaddy]

Music, boards games, and if you are rebellious enough try even tabletop RPGs. I know.. Role-playing is for nerds and 40 year olds still living in their parents basements, but It also encourages problem solving, imagination, and lots of other things,.. even basic things like math, writing.