my son wants to wear dresses etc.

[mamajama]

Ok. I'm not quite sure how to explain this properly. My 4yr old son has always (as long as I can remember except when he was a baby) been sensitive and shy about having his shirt off in front of people. I really can't figure where this has come from. Anyway, when he is alone he takes his shirt off for his "game" as he calls it and wants privacy (which, of course, I respect). Now he has added wanting to wear my undergarments and pretending to have "nurses" (his word for breasts). He whispers sometimes to me that he would like a dress or a girls bathing suit. I have been supportive of him and respected his privacy (even now I feel a little guilty talking about this as it is his business). Two things, though, I do not think it is a big deal what people wear and I don't want him to feel ashamed of wanting to wear girls clothes or undergarments. Also, I would like to understand, better the developemental course of a child's sexuality so that I can support him in his growth. I want to make sure I am handelling it appropriately. It seems a very underdiscussed part of child-rearing. Does anyone know any resources on the web or elsewhere that can help lead me to a greater understanding of this important and interesting topic? Thanks in advance.

[Aura_Kitten]

this may not help you at all, but i don't see this as a sexuality issue. i think your son is just role-playing / playing dress-up, and wants to explore different types of clothing.

my son has always loved dressing up in "girl" clothes ~ princess shoes, tiaras, dresses, my nightgowns... once i went into the bedroom and saw him sitting on the bed in my PJ's ~ he had found my "pretty pj's" (as he called them), the satin + velvet ones, and put them on.

i have, however, drawn the line at him wearing my bras and undies.

his response to this the other day was to come show me his new "hat" ~ a pair of my blue lace underwear on his head.

i think it's pretty normal for kids to do stuff like this when they grow up in an open, nurturing, gender-neutral environment.

[TiredX2]

My only concern with this is reactions of others.

Does he want to dress up around the house in girls clothes as a part of play-acting, or does he want to consistently dress like a girl? I have no problem w/DS dressing like a girl at home, or occasionally out of the home (esp if it is girly costumes, because, to me, that is an entirely different issue: for example, I don't consider it DD wanting to dress like a boy to dress like batman, kwim?). But, I would be concerned w/DS dressing like a girl generally because I think it would be stressful on both him and DD to deal w/peoples reactions to that (they already get enough junk as it is).

About the swimsuit. DS often wears a bikini bottom of DDs to swim in. If the issue is just that your DS wants a top on his swim suit, both my kids wear the sun block suits that are shorts and shirt--- perhaps you could look into one of those? If it is a different issue, could you get DS to verbalize what he is hoping for (pink, frilly, covering more of his body, two pieces) and find something you will both be happy with.

It is, IMO, a hard row to hoe--- you want your child to be comfortable w/themselves and do what *they* want, but at the same time, I (at least) worry that they won't grow up comfortable w/themselves if they do something so outside social norms they are ostracized. KWIM? That said, my kids seem fairly resistant to peer pressure (in this one instance) since DS had his hair long til he was over 2.5 and they got used to people "being wierd" and thinking (wrongly) that certain hair is for certain people.

Oh, as for the undergarments. Is it *girls* or is it *womens*? Cause that is a whole different issue. If DS wanted girls panties, I'd just let him have them. Some boys find girls panties more comfortable (and the opposite is also true). If he just want's yours, uh.... they probably won't fit. A friend of mine gave her child a short, silky negligee (of hers) to keep because it was really that soft silky feeling the child was after.

Good luck and

[Aura_Kitten]

the look of underwear is also an issue for us.

because i just have personal issues with buying little girl underwear for my little boy (like the fact that girl underwear is cheaply made, whereas boy's underwear is sturdy and lasts for years), i decided to decorate my son's underwear for him. he wanted princess underwear, but he also loves stars and sparkly things, so i asked him if he'd like some sparkly stars on his underwear. he was thrilled. i got out my fabric paint and let him choose ~ he chose purple and gold glitter ~ and we put sparkly stars on all of his underwear. why not, yk?

[mamajama]

thanks for the understanding
He only does it in private (by his own choice). I have told him he could wear a dress any old time he wants to but when he is out of the house he acts very "boyish" if ya know what I mean. He often pretends to be girl characters, though when we're out an about but I don't get the same feeling off him about that. It is the same as when he pretends to be spiderman or whatever. He would NOT wear a girly costume, though in public.
The undergarments he wants to wear are my bras and I asked him what he feels like and he said he wants to pretend he has breasts when he's by himself. The swimsuit is mine also and that's also only in private. He doesn't mind wearing his bathing suit at the pool or running around naked on the beach.
There are places we go that it would be embarressing for him, probably, to be dressed like a girl. But also my friends are very non-genderized (i know that's not a word!). So there are many occasions where it would be perfectly acceptable. (ok maybe it would be a bit weird if he showed up for breakfast wearing my bra, but you get my drift i hope )

[TiredX2]

Sounds totally normal to me.

I know when I babysat, from when he was 4-5 this one boy *loved* dressing up in his moms clothes (bras, nighties, etc...)