Alternative parenting = kids cant get angry?

[UnschoolnMa]

Has anyone else dealt with this, or even have a clue? My daughter is going on 11. She had a really crappy day today. Her sleep schedule got all dorked up (woke up at 6 am approx.. that's at least 3 hrs before she is usually up), she had a few of the neighbor kids over for a swim but they were acting obnoxious in the pool to the point of her getting out (of course we told the kids that it was time to go as well..), and it was super hot here. Add that she is getting into the puberty roller coaster pretty good now, and well the day just sucked for her.

So later in the day after the first pool problem, she asked if one of the kids could come back to swim. I said that dad and I had worked hard after they were done swimming to clean the pool out and add the appropriate cleaners to the water (can't be in the water for a certain time after the chemicals are added). I also said that I wasn't comfortable with the neighbor child swimming unsupervised, and that dad and I had something we were doing right now. She was upset and was telling me about it, something we totally encourage. She wasn't calling me names or screaming, but she was teary as she talked to me.

MIL is staying with us for a short time, and has been vocal before about not understanding our lifestyle or parenting choices. She is pro spank, pro CIO, pro grounding and punishment etc. During my daughter's tearful talk with me in the kitchen MIL is in the living room and I can just feel the tension radiating from her (Yes, I do realize that some of that tension was coming from me too) I consciously resisted the urge to ask my daughter if we could talk somewhere else, because it sort of feels like then that I can't function in my own home.

Eventually my daughter decides to go to her room, still unhappy but not ready to talk further. My MIL comes to my room and says "What is going on with her?" I said that she was just having a tough day and needed some time to chill. She said something to the effect of, "Well, I just don't get what the problem is". No one asked her to! She has this attitude that since we parent "differently" that our children can't ever be sad, or angry, or crying, or have a meltdown, or be human! If they do it just has to be due to our wierd parenting.. grrrr.

Later my girly came to snuggle in my bed, and watch tv with me. We chatted and she said she just felt "really mad today" and we ended up discussing a whole bunch of things. I'm just so ticked by this woman (MIL)sometimes.... Sorry this was so long. Kristi

[luv2BaMom]

It IS frustrating, isn't it? I think you handled it perfectly! I love my MIL, but sometimes she oversteps her boundaries, too.
She has gotten better, but my dh reminds me that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
As mothers, we know our kids best. Now, my dd might not be acting like her normal self and behave badly-but I usually know the cause of it and sometimes I choose to let things go for a good reason. And I don't want to be questioned by another adult who doesn't know my dd as well.
My son is a bear if he's tired. I usually let some things go if he's tired, but have had people say, "Being tired isn't a good excuse for him to behave that way." Well, in my eyes, he only acts that way when he is tired, so it's not normal behaviour for him.
For both my kids (they are not on the puberty roller coaster yet) I try to train them how to behave appropriately even in not ideal circumstances or if they're in a bad mood, but they are children. If I mess up as an adult, how can I expect them not to mess up as children? I get cranky if I'm tired(or whatever the behaviour is and the cause of it)-of course they will, too.
I hope I am making sense.
There's probably nothing you can do about your MIL, though!

[Hope'smom]

Re:

Sounds like you handled it well.
Just to make you feel better--my own mother says the exact same thing (what's HER problem??!!) about my TWO YEAR OLD dd after they insist that we visit them without understanding my dd needs a nap and can melt down pretty easily on the rare occasion that our schedule changes!
Of course, as much as I love my mom, she was not a good parent by any means...and as a grandparent, she isn't so hot either.
Hang in there, it sounds like you have a very loving relationship with your dd--I don't know many teens or preteens that would willingly snuggle with mom any day of the week!

[Piglet68]

I think you handled it great. Unless your MIL is willing to truly listen to your parenting philosophies (which, IME, most aren't - they just want to criticize!!) then I would try very hard to ignore her. Still, it must be hard when you know they are right around the corner listening, and passing judgement on everything you are doing!

[Breathless Wonder]

s
This is something that bothers me as well. I wish I had good advice to offer, but I don't.

[Fianna]

Sounds like you handled everything quite beautifully. You mil sounds a lot like my dad. He expects children to be reasonable, calm,and well-mannered at all times. Heck, I'm not all of those things all the time, why should I expect me children to be? I tell my girls all the time that it's ok to be mad and to say so.

[mountain]

Ugh. My dad is the same way & we're about to go 3100 miles to visit him for a week...keep that advice comin'

[frand]

I actually suspect that many people who don't 'get' AP, and resist it in theory are actually fascinated when they see it in action. That's why your mother in law listened to the exchange with you and your daughter. She may never get to a point where she could admit that it's a beautiful thing, but chances are your calmness made an impression. At least that's what I sense when I discuss things with my daughter where I know others would be very authoritarian and would want to shut her down. Yes, there's tension because they'd do it differently. But I also think of it as modeling something the adult would not see otherwise. You just never know when that seed might blossom. Stay true to yourself!

[Charles Baudelaire]

Oh, man -- your post reminded me of a time when my dd was 2.5 and was visiting for a hellish Easter at my parents' house. She was tired after having been on an 8-hour car trip the day before and waking up in a new house, and not surprisingly, she was having a major meltdown. My mom shook her [censored] finger in front of my face and said, "If I were you, that child would be over my knee RIGHT NOW." All that I could say back is, "Well, you're NOT me."

Eventually, she stopped crying and was fine, but my mom held that event against me AND dd for the better part of a year and said that we would never be invited to stay there again. Fine with us! We've visited again and stayed in a motel, and it's been worth every single penny.

I think you handled the situation with tact, respect, and grace, FWIW.