Mommas of three or more.. help my sister please!!!!

[Shonahsmom]

My sister has 3 kids, ages 2, 4, and 6. She is a SAHM and is AP and one of the best mommas I've ever witnessed.

She is having such a hard time right now. All three kids are at very challenging stages all at once. Her oldest dd is doing a lot of talking back and being very blatantly defiant. Her middle dd is in a BIG whining phase and has recently started hitting my sis and her other kids. The little guy is in that stage where he's either running away from her or climbing dangerously on furniture and things or he's into something he shouldn't be.

Her husband works very long hours and, well, isn't always or very consistently helpful.

She is really at her wit's end. She feels like she is yelling constantly, which she feels awful about. She feels like she can't ask the kids to do anything or tell them they can't do something without getting snottiness, whining, crying and now, from her middle DC hitting. She is feeling drained, angry, resentful and worn out. She cried most of the day yesterday.

I do my best to be empathetic, supportive and encouraging, but I don't feel like I can relate. I have one child who, relatively speaking, is very easy.

What has helped some of you mommas of 3+ DC when you are at your wit's end and there is no end in sight?

[Ame]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

What has helped some of you mommas of 3+ DC when you are at your wit's end and there is no end in sight?

Locking the bathroom door and taking a long hot shower :

Really I have found that when my kids are all acting like that ....it's because they are bored...so they are all competeing for attention and making things interesting. As hard as it is try do something totally differnt, go to the park or turn on music and open windows...and when everybodies happy and content I talk to them about expecations/responsibilities/attitudes etc.

Unfortunately when kids want attention - they know they get a bigger reaction - i.e.more attention - from negative behavior than positive.

I find it also very important to be firm in your limits and to use natural consquences.

[Summertime Mommy]

I am in a very similar situation, my kids are 6, 4, and 12 months, and dh is very little help. I don't really have any advice on how to manage the kids better, because I haven't figured it out myself, but the one thing that I have started doing, that has really helped my sanity, is getting out of the house w/o the kids every now and then. I leave dh with the kids on Saturday mornings and go to the yard sales. Just being alone for a few hours a week, after dealing with the kids all week with very little help, works wonders for me.

[mamaofthree]

I have three with a forth due any minute! And I can so relate. I am also a SAHM and we homeschool so I have these kids with me 24/7!
And I have to agree with the above poster... it maybe boredom. I find when they are about to drive me to drink or run into the street pulling out my hair... it is time to get out! We might go to the park up the street, or just our own back yard. Or I get out our craft box and playdough or paints or something and just let them have at it. I am lucky, my oldest is 10 and she is very helpful. BUT that being said she can also be very "snotty" I guess. There have been some days where all I do is cry. I just feel overwhelmed. My dh works and is going to school full time, so even when he is here, he isn't here.
I did read a great book a few years ago called "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" and that has really helped me remember that my kids aren't doing stuff just to make me insane! LOL.
My advice... it is OK to cry. It is OK to ask for help... being a SAHM is a 24/7 job, no vacations etc, so I have stopped worrying if my dh is tired or what not, I am on call all the time, If I want to read a book instead of stories one night, then he is on duty!, and keep them busy. Bake cupcakes, read stories, do art. Don't worry so much about the house work. OR better yet get them involved in the house work, folding clothes, watering plants, whatever (my 2 year old LOVES to water the front yard plants). The hiting... it will pass. My 2 year old is just moving past that stage. FOr him and I think most 2 year olds, it is they just don't have enough words to express themselves, and I have noticed with my 2 year old, it is when he is upset or frusterated that he hits the most. BUT he is getting better.

OK I hope maybe some of that will help. Otherwise, maybe she can have someone watch the kids for a few hours and she can just get out and go someplace just for her. Someplace quite with no one to hit her!

H

[CherylE]

Well I'm in a similar situation with my older 3 - massive attitude from my just turned 5 year old, hitting and biting from my 3.5 year old and tantrums and constant whining out of my 2.5 year old. I also have the the not around very much, not very helpful right now dh. But I've also got 5 month old twins.

I do find that trying to maintain a daily routine helps. Sort of like they do in a daycare. Meals and snack at the same time, TV time the same time, free play time, then clean up time, outside play time or walk to the park (weather permitting), story time, craft/coloring time. O.k. not all of these are in the order they happen around here. But that helps a lot because they know what is coming next.

nap/quiet time has been very helpful here too. They get a darkened room with stories to listen to on tape or CD and they have to STAY THERE for an hour right around the babies nap time. That helps me stay sane - just getting some time to myself. Usually I clean up the kitchen or just lie down and nurse the babies. Of course I have the "you need to stay there and be quiet/babies napping" line that your sister won't have. My mom read tons of books onto tape for them too and they really enjoy their "grandmommy" stories.

The other thing that actually helps is getting out of the house - going for a walk, to the park, the fruit stand, the grocery store. It sounds counter-intuitive - "oh my kids are all acting up - lets take them OUT in public" LOL - but it's worked. We've even done science world this summer with all five kids and just me. Only last time I didn't have my sling with me - just the double stroller and then my 2 year old kept taking off and running away. So well - bring a sling, backpack or stroller for a running away 2 year old.

Sometimes I've just stick them all in the van and go through the starbuck drive through. I get a frapacinno and the starbucks people will take a strawberry or vanilla creme drink and divide it into three cups with whipped cream for the same price. (I do tip them for that!).

[pilesoflaundry]

Yup generally boredom starts that cycle here too. I try my best not to yell but some days that is all I do! If I can catch the boredome ahead of time and make sure the kids are busy it does help a lot. If all else fails we go out in the yard and I have them run around and they stop fighting and tearing up the house.

My kids like playdoh so I keep a hugh tub with all the playdoh, molds, playsets etc in my dining room but out of their reach and when they start getting antsy I pull it down and set the kids up at the table. It sometimes makes a mess but it gives me an hour or so of down time right here on the puter while they play at the table next to me.

[Sasha_girl]

I agree that boredom is the cause of most of our ills. When everybody starts acting out of control we throw on our shoes and head to the park. Sometimes they need to exercise and sometimes they just need a change of scenery. If it's raining we completely change gears from whatever we were doing (it obviously wasn't working anyway) and maybe get out some dough to work with or the watercolor paints.

If I change my attitude a little and see it as we're all in this together it's easier not to fall into the yelling trap. We all feel yucky, even though we're showing it differently. Let's go find something to do to relieve that feeling!

[3 little birds]

My twins are 4, my son is 2 and we've got one on the way. for your sister.

Is there any way she can get away for an hour or two. This really helps me reset. Even the grocery store by myself can feel like a weekend at the spa.
Sometimes I just stand in the magazine aisle and read US Weekly :

I yell on occasion and then I feel like garbage. It also makes the kids upset and act more crazy, so I also find it to be ineffective. It's a vicious circle. This is something I am still working on.

A friend of mine with three little ones (one set of twins) told me that when they were little it would make her feel better to walk right outside the door and say to herself, "I don't live here". Then she would take a deep breath and walk back inside.

My dh is gone from 7am-8pm during the week. On the crazy days, I take off when he gets home for anywhere. Just a little quiet time.

Also, we put our tv in the closet. We immediately noticed an improvement in behavior. The kids were only watching Dora and Blues Clues, but I believe it makes them whacky. Everytime they watch too much tv, they get grouchy and irritable.

I agree with the other posters' that it sounds like boredom and cries for attention.

I was thinking that a routine may help our family, too.

[annethcz]

Yep. Boredom is a huge trigger here, too. Also, not enough attention from mommy. I can always tell when I'm spending too much time online/reading a book/cleaning/etc. because all of a sudden I have sullen and cranky kids vying for my attention. 9 times out of 10, I can fix the situation by snuggling on the couch with kids and reading books. If that doesn't work, a change of scenery usually does the trick. Even just letting the kids run off some energy in the backyard can diffuse the situation.

I'm also going to second the suggestion of a daily schedule. I know that it sounds terribly constricting and not very naturally-oriented. But a flexible schedule has helped SO much at my house!!!! I developed ours (which is still a work in progress) by trial and error. If I noticed that most days we did X at 10 am, then I worked that into the schedule. When the kids know what to expect, they are happier. And if I can look at the schedule on my paper and realize that I only have to put up with this particular activity for 10 more minutes before we move onto something else, it's easier for me to be patient. The schedule also reminds me to change activities before kids get bored. I don't pull them away from activities they love, but I am able to redirect to another activity before they get too tired/bored to clean up previous activity. The schedule also helps me to remember to feed the kids on a regular basis If I can give them a snack before they're starving (and cranky), all the better.

Here's the schedule we're using right now, don't know if it will help:
7-ish: wake up, get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast
8 am: lessons (homeschool)
after lessons are done, coloring/playdoh/craft time at the dining room table
9:45 am: snack
10 am: playtime (inside with blocks/legos/cars or in BACK yard). naptime for baby
12pm: lunch and clean up time
12:30pm: play in playroom while mom works in her office
2 pm: walk around the block/ to the park
2:30 PM: snack
2:45 pm: play in front yard. naptime for baby
when hot/tired, come inside and play until dinner
5:30pm: dinner

[DebraBaker]

2,4, &6 are difficult stages.

Especially all at once. I've done this....once a long time ago.

It will likely get easier as the children move into the next stage and get more mature.

I yell and guilt, hate that!!

db