When do children learn empathy? How to encourage it?

[Mommiska]

Not sure if the title of this completely captures the essence of my question, but it's as close as I could get...

The best way I can think to explain what I mean is to describe what happened the other day at the grocery store with dd1 (who will be 5 in a few month's time).

We were at the checkout, and a couple of things had fallen off the conveyor belt and onto the floor at dd1's feet. DD2 was in the trolley and I was holding ds, who was very fussy, so I asked dd1 to pick the two things up.

She immediately bent down and picked the two items up. Then she dropped one of them, and told me that she wasn't picking both of them up all by herself! :

I don't think I handled it in the best way possible - I told her that we needed to do things to help each other in our family, and if she didn't pick up the item she'd dropped, I was going to put back and not buy the treat I'd let her pick out. So she picked up the item and that was that.

But - I wasn't happy about my response (threatening her with a punishment for not helping) - any ideas about how to handle a similar situation better would be appreciated!

But my main question - how much can I expect from an almost 5 year old concerning awareness of the importance of helping others? She obviously didn't 'get it' in that situation - she just didn't want to do what she perceived as 'all of the work' by herself (even though there wasn't anyone else who could easily help her and it wasn't exactly a lot of 'work'!).

DD1 does this a lot, actually, which is why I'm asking - if there is a mess to be cleaned up, she is very concerned that others help her clean it up (even if she's the only one who made the mess). I'm afraid I've inadvertently contributed to this by always beginning the cleaning up process as my main method of getting the girls to clean up (so they rarely are cleaning up by themselves, as I'm usually helping).

Any ideas? Thoughts? It made me really sad when dd1 did that at the grocery store, and I was wondering if it was normal for a child her age?

[laurajean]

Mommiska,

I think it is pretty normal for children of all ages to not want to clean up. And, it sounds like your daughter felt like she pulled her weight picking up the items the first time around.

The signs I would look for regarding empathy are: Does she recognize facial expressions and emotions of others? How does she behave when she sees someone hurt or sad? Does she notice? Does she *try* to help them? Does she ask you or them what is wrong?

If she does any of the above, I would not worry. If she does not, I would start reading books on feelings and emotions. And, hang up feeling posters around the house. I would do role playing games, puppet shows etc.

There has been a lot of research about empathy development in the last decade. Some people do believe that there is a window in which children must learn how to be empathetic. I went to a conference on empathy and the speaker said that her research indicated that if a child does not learn by the age 6, then they usually don't.

Good luck,
Laura

[Eustacia]

Luckily, I get the feeling that today there is a movement in the child development field (which I'm not in) to recognize empathy in babies and toddlers and encourage it. I think that is wonderful. From reading current child development books I've learned to be on the lookout for displays of empathy by my dd. I think the most common way for babies and toddlers to learn and act on empathy is to watch their reaction when a baby is crying around them. Most other babies and toddlers will start to cry or be very concerned for the one who is crying. OP, do you remember your dc doing this as a baby or toddler? Some children seem to be much more sensitive to it than others. I agree with the pp that you can do things within conversations, books, and other visuals to aid the empathy building.

[luv2BaMom]

In my experience with my children, I notice that conversation and role playing work best. And modeling it yourself, too.
For example, if I see a kid on the playground being left out of a game, I'll bring it to my children's attention. I might say something like, "That little boy looks sad to me. Do you think he feels left out? He looks like he could use a friend to cheer him up."
My kids respond well to that and they notice things like that on their own now and do something about it.
For my dd, this has come more naturally than with my son, but he has become very empathetic now, too. He's 6.
I work at this more with him than her since it's not as natural for him. Like if dd drops her model horses while she's carrying them, I might say, "She looks like she's got an armful there and would probably be grateful for some help." He takes that cue and helps her. I then praise him.
I make an effort to make up scenarios and role play, too. I've taught them that when we see a stranger, we don't know if that person is having a bad day or if maybe someone they love is sick or has died, etc. I talk about this to them in the car a lot to remind me that people who are driving badly may be having a bad day or may have suffered a loss, etc.
So, if we see a stranger that looks scowly, etc, to smile at them. It usually makes them smile, too, and cheers them up.
Here's a funny thing that happened to me a few months ago when I was in the first trimester (to illustrate the difference b/w my 2 kids)
I was in the recliner feeling positively green with nausea/vomiting. My dd got me a drink, tucked a blanket all around me, told me not to worry about a thing-she'd make breakfast for her and her brother. She anticipated whatever need I might have. My son, ran all around and didn't notice I was sick. Asked me when I was going to get his breakfast (before my dd got it), what were we doing that day, was making a racket, etc. LOL
My dd asked me if she could turn the TV on for him to keep him quiet for me.
It is definitely a process and for the most part I don't think empathy happens by accident. But, it does take time and lots and lots of patience! LOL

[Mommiska]

Thanks for your replies - I'm interested in having a look on the Internet now about empathy and its development in children!

From what you guys are saying, I think maybe my title is off - maybe it isn't empathy I'm worried about - just wanting my dd1 to be a little less selfish!

So I guess maybe the answer to my question is that it's probalby pretty normal for a 4.5 year old to act selfishly, huh? :LOL

I think dd1 is empathetic, when I think about the examples you guys are giving. And we do have several books that address issues like this that we read occasionally. Guess we'll keep doing that.

Any ideas on how to have handled her behaviour, though? It's hard to know what to do when she doesn't want to help. I don't want to turn it into a power struggle, but I also don't want her to think that it's OK to not help out (or clean up after herself, which ever the case may be).

[PM]

I find it very curious that the emphasis here, so far, is on teaching children to be empathetic towards other children - total strangers.

Children learn empathy at home, from the actions and words of their parents. You will never teach your child to be empathetic towards others if you aren't empathetic towards him or her.

Examples:

Your kid is grouchy and you tell him or her to go to his or her room until he or she can be pleasant. But think how you would feel. When you share your frustrations with someone you don't want to run into disapproval or hear reasons why you shouldn't feel the way you do, right?

When your kid is afraid of something do you tell him or her not to be afraid and give some kind of logical explanation to back that up? Or do you say, "Yah, that was loud! It scared me too!"

Empathy is often confused with sympathy (oh-you-poor-thing). It doesn't have so much to do with helping others when they've fallen as it does with true understanding of others' feelings, learning to listen, learning to read body language.

When you are empathetic towards a child you try not to change his feelings, or wonder why he feels the way he does. What you do is try to see how he feels, how he sees.

Another good example of this is reading body language. Your kid just finished a big task, but she slumps into a chair and seems diappointed (my dd does this all the time). Instead of saying "Hey! You finished!" An empathetic response would be "Even though you finished that (...), you feel frustrated."

And here's a nice quotation from one of my favorite books:
"Empathy involves hearing and and accepting feelings as genuine realities and not as 'hot potatoes'."

When you walk in someone else's shoes, their behavior makes sense to you. Then, it is harder to be angry or upset.

This is the only way, IMO, to teach empathy. The child will naturally feel empathetic towards others.

DISCLAIMER: I am not saying you - any of you - have not been empathetic to your children.

[mammastar]

Well, I agree with what's been said - but don't be too harsh on yourself about how you handled it: I think I probably would have done the same thing! There's a time to model empathy and talk about feelings, but sometimes you just end up saying "if you don't do x, then I'm really not going to feel like doing y anymore, and you wanted y didn't you?" Maybe not inspired parenting, I don't know, but if you're talking natural consequences I think it's pretty on-target. Life is full of quid pro quo.