I didn't start this thread as an example of the ultimate pitfalls of TCS. I started it because I wanted to see how other people would handle a situation like this. So far, all I have gotten is basically, "With real TCS, this situation wouldn't have happened," which is an answer I'm not personally satisifed with. I'm feeling generous today, and I don't think that these people were necessarily bad parents. There have been examples for years of parents refusing medical care for their kids on the basis of strongly held religious beliefs, even in the face of losing custody of their kids or going to jail. I don't they were bad people either, just people who sincerely believed that they were doing the best they could (as they understood it) for their kids. I don't think it's accurate to say that a discipline theory, if correctly implemented, could have prevented this, because no theory or style of discipline can account for the infinite variations amongst people and families. I think it's very possible that these parents really feel that unless they can find a common preference, they shouldn't force their child to act, and that that stance is vital to their child's correct upbringing.
That said, I don't think this a discpline issue, anyway (and I know that TCSers don't really use the word discipline, anyway. I use it because I don't know a better word to use). I think that parents are adults who have the life experience to anticipate consequences to actions that children don't and that especially in the matters of health, parents have an obligation to attend to their child's healhcare, regardless of how the child feels about it. For that reason and also because I don't agree with the basic tenet of TCS, that it's even possible to never do something or coerce a child to do something against their will, TCS is a style of parenting I would never consider personally. I also don't have the disposition to have long, involved conversations to find common preferences for the minutiae of life with people (children) who don't *really* understand the whole issue.
The people I live with are good parents even though I don't agree with their theory of parenting. But I do think they do their kids a disservice by behaving as though every desire or preference of every person in the family is of equal importance at all times. I simply don't believe that, and I think they spend a great part of their day negotiating common preferences over things that aren't really important enough to spend all the time discussing. (JSYK, the family in question and I have talked about TCS philosophy extensively, and I'm not saying anything here that I haven't already said tot hem). I see myself as more action-oriented, and I see this family as more discussion-oriented.
I asked the mom of the family I live with what she makes of this situation, and she said that although she would not allow things to go this far, she could see why a family very committed to allowing their child autonomy in decision-making would. She thought that it was possible for a child to never make the decision parents thought they "should," and that trying to guide the child to the decision that the parents wanted him to make is in itself coercive. She said that although she feels that this situation (if taken at face value) is, in theory, consistent with TCS, that it's irresponsoble parenting.
I was hoping this conversation would go more in the direction of "what would you do" rather than debating the validity of the situation or mental health of the parents. When I heard the news story, I just assumed that what I heard was true: here were TCS parents who didn't force their child to go to the dentist and were willing to stand up for that belief. I guess none of us can know what the true story is, though.
Oh, and for what it's worth, in this situation, I think the child should have remained with his parents but been in the legal custody of DYFS so that they could ensure he gets the proper medical attention.
Wilma
