Neighbors not being very nice

[bec]

DD1 is 3 and very sweet and not terribly aware when other kids are taking advantage of her. There is a 4 and almost 6 year old across the street that she loves to play with (and who love playing with her. At least until recently).

Anyway, in the last few days, they have started to not be very nice to her. First they were playing a game where they were hiding toys, then going and finding them (like an easter egg hunt with out the eggs). They started by excluding dd and complaining when she wanted to grab a toy. I suggested that if they didn't want to share the toys, they should take them inside. So they let dd play the game with them (she did very well). After several rounds however, they started saying she was cheating and looking when the toys were being hid, and started snatching the toys from her hand. I decided I had had enough, and we left (we were in their yard, so I didn't feel like we had too much recourse). I told dd that they weren't sharing very well. Then, a couple of days later, dd and the 4 year old were riding bikes (4 yo was on a two-wheeler with training wheels, and dd was on a big wheel). 4yo started complaining that dd did something to her bike (she was no where near her at the time). I told 4yo that dd didn't do anything to her. Then she started complaining that dd was always following her (they were riding back and forth on the sidewalk. Not a whole lot of choice about where they were going to ride here). I got fed up again and we left, again. I told dd that 4yo wasn't playing very nicely and I didn't want her to be around people who weren't very nice.

Now, the problem here, is that this is all my interpretation of events. DD isn't bothered by this in the slightest. Her feelings aren't hurt, she isn't upset, or angry. She seems pretty oblivious to this pretty obvious (imo) mistreatment. In fact, each time we have left, she has been most upset with me (for making her go).

I freely admit that I am over tired and pretty grouchy lately, so I'm asking for some neutral input. Am I over reacting? Should I try to let dd handle this. I think I might be more inclined to do just that if they weren't older kids trying to take advantage of her. Or should I say or do something different?


Bec

[daisies]

I don't know if I have much advice for you...maybe more just empathy and encouragement!!
I will say that we had a similar situation with my oldest dd and a neighbor boy who was 6 at the time. He always came outside to play when we were outside and at first I thought it was great. But, as time went on(this was last summer), he started getting mean. He would criticize her and even tease her if she was trying to keep up with him on a bike. I would always step in because at the time she was only 3.5 and was incapable of defending herself emotionally. I would respond to his criticism as gently as I could with things like, "you know, Em is doing her best. Let's all just have fun! That's all that matters." Or, "It's no fun to play with people who aren't being kind." Eventually, we would end up going inside because I would feel like I was going to scream at him if we didn't.
All that to say that Em adored him. She loved it when he came over to play and never seemed affected by it. So, I felt conflicted.
So, fast forward to this summer....he doesn't come out as much. But when he does, Emma doesn't put up with his stuff. She still needs my presence and back up...BUT....I have been so impressed with her responses to him.
I guess this is my long way of saying that I think it is sort of a fine line. I think you are right to stand up for your child, especially at that age. And I think our children learn HOW to stand up for themselves by watching us do it for them. I think the best we can do is to shield them without sheltering them completely, if that makes any sense at all.
Hang in there.

[KKmama]

I can empathize... my older ds is 3, and he likes to be around older kids, though he's often clueless when they aren't being nice. I always intervene if I don't like the way things are going. I guess I just expect my child(ren) and other kids to learn that you must be respectful of kids who are smaller/weaker/whatever than you are. By intervening, I mean one of a variety of options... we leave, I talk to the other kids (kindly but firmly), I talk to ds. And I *always* expect him to be gentle and kind around younger kids...

[bec]

Thanks for the replies. I have been talking to dd about it. I've told her that I don't like it when other kids aren't nice to her, and that her friends need to treat her kindly. I also emphasize that it wasn't her fault that they weren't being nice, and it wasn't her fault that we needed to leave. I usually offer to play with her in our back yard or something like that.

And I am pretty gentle with the other kids. Even though I am starting to seethe inside. I try very hard to not let the mama bear in me loose. I usually first try to get them back onto a friendly track. But, eventually, I get fed up and we just leave.


Bec

[siddie]

Where are the parents of the other kids? Most parents want to teach their chidlren to share/play together nicely? If the parent(s) aren't aware, perhaps you could bring it up?

This is quite common with kids. I agree with you, it is important to make sure your child isn't taken advantage of. YOunger kids will do almost anything to play with the big kids. I feel it is important to teach them self-respect.

I have found that if you keep stepping in, they will eventually play nicely. WAlk up to them and say, oh, it's dd's turn to hide the toys, I'll help. OR something like, looks like this game needs a digger, dd will dig. Or teach your dd to say, "Can I have a turn to ride the trike now?" Also, it is important to bring some toys along so that you aren't constantly using their things. Other than that, you can just find other kids who are more evenly matched with her.

[bec]

The other parents let their kids play in the front yard completely unsupervised. I often feel like the neighborhood babysitter, but that's another post entirely. And I believe they are fully aware of their kids behavior and don't much care. They have acted this way (towards each other not to my dd) on the rare occasion that the parent is out, and have never said anything. I've even stepped in during those conflicts (it's a lot easier for me to be patient, though when it isn't my kid being picked on).

We do bring our own toys over. And we do play with kids more her age. Most of her friends, however, live elsewhere. If we are hanging out on our driveway (this is where she can play on her ride on toys, etc.) and she sees the neighbors come out, she wants to go over. And we need to go over there, because they aren't allowed to cross the street (and I don't really want to take responsibility for them) and their parents are never out. It's just very frustrating. I don't mind her playing with them, I just don't want her to be picked on/teased.


Bec

[Bethla]

My 4 yo plays with a neighbor boy every now and then. The other mother is always present. The other little boy has something diffrent about him, I'm pretty sure he's autistic. The parents never have mentioned anything. But this little boy has some very violant and agressive behavior. He often ends up hurting my ds. My son can be happily playing along and the other little boy comes along and hits him or throws a toy at him. I made the mistake of having my 1 yo around one day and the neighbor boy wouldn't let him be. The mother tries to get him to stop his behavior but it scares me that one of my children will be seriuosly hurt. How do I deal with this? The mom and dad are great people but their son is scary and if he does have some sort of disibility I don't want to shun him. Any suggestions?

[momsgotmilk4two]

See, this is why I think the parents should be involved with kids and their socialization at this age. Where are the other parents? A 4yr old should not be riding bikes out front by himself, imo. I have a 4 yr old and don't allow him to do this. I find that kids can play nicely, but need help and encouragement from parents. They need to know how to work things out, know what their boundaries are, and come up with nice ways of saying things.

With the toy issue, I would have your dd come equipped with her own toys in the first situaion. I'm not sure the kids should have to share or go inside if they are in thier own front yard, or even the park for that matter. I always encourage my kids to share and normally they do a good job but if they don't feel like giving up a particular toy to a neighbor, I don't force it. With the bike thing, I probably would have said something like, "Dd is not following you, she is just enjoying riding her bike too. Let's all be kind to each other". Often, a few words from an adult are all that is needed. The other parents really should be there though :

[bec]

Originally Posted by momsgotmilk4two

See, this is why I think the parents should be involved with kids and their socialization at this age. Where are the other parents? A 4yr old should not be riding bikes out front by himself, imo. I have a 4 yr old and don't allow him to do this.

I agree. They have been letting their little girl play outside by herself since just before she turned 3. It makes me very nervous for them. We live in a nice neighborhood, but There are a lot of cars, teenagers driving very quickly, etc.

As far as the sharing goes, the two kids (they aren't related) were specifically hiding the toys in places where dd couldn't get them. It wasn't just that they were playing with a toy that they didn't want to give up. They were deliberately excluding her.

They aren't always like this, either. Usually, they are very nice. I guess that makes it even more aggravating when they aren't.


Bec