Never posted here before, but want to get it out of my head.

[Bex80]

I have been very affected by a tragedy that happened within my church family.

A very handsome, outgoing, positive, kind hearted, loving 19 year old young man hung himself last weekend in a tree at his house. I was totally shocked.

I then learned that he was very depressed and was on medication for his depression as well as for ADD. He had tried to live life without meds. I am still so very sad. While I didn't know this young man extremely well, I still had a fondness for him. He was so cute, and so sweet. He always smiled at me and was polite. His parents are great people and I am just so heartbroken for them.

I grieved at first for his mother. How the hell do you process something like that? As a mother, I couldn't imagine what I would do if my son killed himself. He's only 2 and now I have this fear that I have to protect him from wanting to kill himself someday.

Now, I am grieving for him (the young man). He will never have the joy of getting married, of having babies. Of having grandbabies. He had so much more to experience and I am so sad for that loss for him. I also grieve for his life. He had so much to give, he was very spiritual and a great witness, from what I understand.

I was crushed that I could not attend the funeral. It was in VA. and we have moved to TN.

I find myself thinking about him and his family everyday. The past day has been better, but I feel like I am supposed to glean something from this. I am just so sad. I feel wrong that I am so affected by this when I wasn't super close to him. It's all the imaginig that I'm doing. imagining what he must have been feelingto take it to that level-to HANG himself. That must have been a horrible, desolate, lonely, awful place to be. Imagining him actually doing it. Imagining what his parents went through when they found him. Imagining their reactions. I am making myself sick with grief. I just internalize things that happen to other people and I can't stop until I am literally sick to my stomach. What's wrong with me?

Dh is a very literal person and when I try to talk to him about it he says, "If it makes you sad, just don't think about it.". I guess he's right, but then I feel like he is being insensitive. I don't know. Maybe he is right? I just haven't been bale to talk openly about this. I am very very sad and broken hearten for this young man and his parents and actually. all of their family and friends. What an awful thing to happen. I wonder why God allows it, but then, He didn't. We have our own free will after all. It just tears me up inside.

[Tracy]

bex80,

I'm so glad you posted. I have a different opinion than your dh's. It is not so easy to just 'not' think about something at least for me. I too would feel shaken and would need to process it.

I poked around and found this website.
It might explain a bit more...although you can't really explain suicide.

http://www.ncpamd.com/Suicide.htm

how many times have we all heard, "suicide is a final answer for a temporary question."


are you dropping the parents a note? my instinct is to talk about how wonderful their son was and maybe some special moment you recall. NM would know better than me, but I think they would appreciate that. And I think it could help you as you process it.

I will say a prayer for you and the son and the family. hugs.-tracy

[simonee]

I"m so sorry bex. The daughter of my parents' best friends committed suicide 14 years ago, she was 25 then. They are still struggling with those same questions, parents of a suicide victim often can't ever put the feelings of guilt behind them.

From what I've seen happen with them, these people would really appreciate your telling them that you didn't know it either, that guilt is not relevant when you're dealing with depression (ouch that sounds Borg. I mean that it's really not their fault), and that he was a wonderful person even if he apparently thought something else. It is hard to view his life as worthwhile if he didn't think it was, but really his perception was likely off, all colored by his depression. My parents' friends still appreciate it when people come up with little things their daughter used to do/be that were cool, as if the need for support that they did NOT raise a person that was as bad as she thought she was never ends (how's that for tortured syntax? :cop: )

s to you mama.

[Bex80]

Thank you, mamas, for your responses.

Nursing Mother- I am so truly sorry for the loss of your son. It must still be pretty fresh and I appreciate your words so very much. I think (after more reflection on the subject) that another reason I feel so sad is that I could have been him. I have dealt with depression and have a few times thought of suicide so I know what's it's like to enter that realm. I never could think of "ways" or going much past just thinking about it because I wanted to get married and have babaies one day. That alone kept me from going much further, although at the time, it made me more depressed because I was so "selfish" to live for those 2 things alone. (It should have been to keep my parents from having to grieve and bury me, not for reasons for myself.) You know? Anyway, I'm sure he wasn't in his regular mind and it's easier for me to see a sort of "zombie" Thomas committing suicide than the "regular" Thomas. Thank you so much, again, for letting me spiel and for listening!!

Hugs to you for your son and your loss.

Tracy, thanks so much for the website, I'm headed there after I post. Thank you also for your prayers and support.


to you, too simonee. I believe now that suicide can affect anyone the person knows in a major way. I'm sorry for the loss of your parent's friend's daughter. Even if it was 14 years ago. I imagine she was friend of yours as well?

Guilt is a super ugly thing. I have wondered, "was there anything I should have picked up on?" "what if I had interacted more with him?" "what if I had been more of a friend?". But the truth is, is that no one knew he was off his meds and at that point until he died. So, I pray that his family can not harbor guilt. I know they were great to him.

I have written the family a letter and it was very hard but good for me and I hope that it will relay what I mean for it to when they read it. I made it heartfelt and gentle, but at the same time did make a point that they are good parents (also have a 16 year old daughter) and that I think of them everyday. I hope it goes over well.

Thank you again, mams for all of your help and advice. I'm off to that website from Tracy. Please, have a good day and know that you have helped someone sad today!