"Girls don't work."

[teachma]

Uggghhh! What did I do wrong?? Last night, while I was bathing my son (alomst 4 years old) I commented on how dirty he had gotten from all of the work he had done with dh during the day. They were doing lots of yard work together for hours. He replied, "Yeah, I did get pretty dirty. You never get so dirty do you? I guess that's because girls don't really do too much work." My immediate response was, "Excuse me...how do you think the house stays clean, the laundry gets done, the baby and you have food to eat, etc., etc." and he said, "But that's not actually work." Now, I also happen to work full time outside the home; I am a 2nd grade public school teacher, and I am on vacation until the end of August. So, to see what he would say, I said, "What about when I go to school to teach my students in class?" and he said, "Oh yeah, I guess you do work then." So!!! How do I get my son to understand the rest of it is work, too? I mean, I often tell him I can't ake him to the park or play a game with him because I need to get som work done in the house first, so I have always referred to it as work. But he seems to think only the "dirty work" he and dh do together qualifies. Do I need to start mowing the lawn and building shelves for ds to take me seriously?

[Rainbow]

wow, that would have stumped me! I think he is old enough to just discuss how many different types of work there are. From working dogs, to construction, to household to office work. All these jobs hold equal importance and make life function. Casually I think works better, he got this idea of his over time so I wouldn't try to change his mind in one day.

My first thought, was- does he help you clean toilets and the oven and the laundry? Maybe eh was more "proud" of himself and his work with daddy than he was intending to dismiss other work. You could do some of this work with him and let him experience it and maybe add a little narrative "wow, this tub is hard to clean!"

Another idea is to break up the household work- mow the grass while DH does laundry. Break those stereotypes

I think I'd pass out of shock if my kid told me that! :LOL My DD is three and says "some mommies got to work, my mommy works at home with me" and I don't work by societal standards, but I'm not gona tell her that. I don't think this is at all representative of you- so don't feel bad. Like I said, I bet he was probably more "proud" of his hard work than he was dismissing of household work if that makes any sense.

[Alkenny]

[QUOTE=Rainbow]
My first thought, was- does he help you clean toilets and the oven and the laundry? Maybe eh was more "proud" of himself and his work with daddy than he was intending to dismiss other work. You could do some of this work with him and let him experience it and maybe add a little narrative "wow, this tub is hard to clean!" [QUOTE]

I think this is a great idea! From the get-go, I let DS #1 help sort laundry, help hang it up (handing me pins), mop the kitchen floor, scrub the toilet etc.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

Personally, I wouldn't read too much into it. He's just defining "work" in a very narrow physical way. I can see why a 4 year old would look at things this way (I have one that age myself. ) You can try to impress upon him that other types of activity are also "work", but it may not sink in right now, and he'll eventually figure that out for himself anyway. I'd be more concerned with making sure he realizes that women can (and do) do the kind of hard physical labor he's talking about. Point out women contruction workers when you see them, female firefighters, etc. If you have a female family member or friend who has built something herself, mention it to ds. "Did you know Aunt Kathy built her new deck herself? Maybe she'd be willing to show you some of the tools she used." That kind of thing. I think we instinctively do this for our dd's, but our ds's need it just as much to avoid develping stereotypes that they have to struggle to overcome later. I also like Rainbow's idea of doing a little "work" yourself. I have started helping dh mow the lawn. Partly because I want to -- it provides exercize and a break from my usual chores and childcare -- but also to set an example for my children.

FWIW, I don't think you have to oversell the anti-stereotype thing. My 4 y.o. dd has already noticed that most physical laborers are men and has asked why. Without getting into institutional sexism and all that, I just told her that her observation was correct. That some people think those jobs are too hard for women or that women wouldn't like them, but that women *can* do those jobs if they want to. She seemed satisfied with that. She thinks that "maybe" she'll be a firefighter, herself.

[hippiemom2]

Wow that would have floored me too. I wonder if it is because he thinks those chores are only yours. If you are the only one who ever does the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, etc. then perhaps he just thinks that is your function in the household which he may not equate with work just your jobs that you do. KWIM? I second that he should spend some quality time scrubbing the tub. He may come away with a new appreciation for all that you do. Also, is it possible that he overheard that somewhere?


I started my son on household chores when he was around 2. My daughter started even earlier because she really wanted to help. So, they have been told from then that the household chores are all of our responsibility. Plus, me and my dh split the household and yard work so they see us doing a variety of jobs.


It works sometimes, but it still takes them forever to complete a task. It is a lot of micromanaging for me but I hope that this in time will subside and they will help out with a sense of what it takes to keep the household going.

Peace,
Shelbi

[kerc]

hey just a thought...but maybe your dh calls what they do "work" (while they are doing it?) and you don't have a specific name for household chores?

[EFmom]

Kids seem to get funny notions about work and roles. My older dd has some pigheaded notion that women can't be doctors or dentists. The funny thing is that two of the docs in our ped practice are women, and her pediatric dentist is a woman. Dd has a female cousin who is an MD and another female cousin who has just been accepted into med school.

Sometimes I think she just does this to yank my chain. I work out of the home, and I always stress the idea that girls can be anything they want to be.

[Corvus]

Do you think it's possible that your husband or your child's grandfather (or some other male role model) put this idea into his head?

Some men truly do not value the work that women do in the home and for their families, and this attitude can certanily rub-off onto small children.

[MamaMonica]

It sounds like he heard it from a guy- I agree- did your dh or a relative put that idea in his head?

I have the kids doing yard work with me getting dirty and sometimes they fold laundry with dh...

Still, I suspect he had some help coming up with that idea! :LOL

[teachma]

Thanks to all of you for responding! You know, I was trying to figure out if ds had gotten this idea from someone else, but it almost definitely isn't my dh. His mother is the one who painted all the surfaces inside our new house when we moved in this May, in addition to re-flooring our kitchen for us-- and ds was right by her side. She even bought ds special "workers' gloves," just like a mini version of the ones she wears, as well as some other tools for the important jobs he helped her with. He and she painted our window boxes together and planted flowers in them. MIL is the one from whom my husband acquired his skills when it comes to handiwork and all other household work that he does; my ds KNOWS his grandma does this stuff! I, however, am not into the same kinds of "jobs" that MIL and DH like to do, so I leave it to them. And as far as grandpa putting the idea in his head- no way! My dad doesn't lift a finger to do a single job; he employs others to do it for him. My mom would be more inclined in that family, too!

Ds does help me with my "jobs" but we have made them into fun games over the years, like racing to see wo can finish sorting a pile of laundry first, or something. So, I think that's why he doesn't see it as work. Also, my "work" around the house just isn't as physically intensive. Part of the reason for that is that I work out intensely at the gym each morning and am too tired to do the heavy work at home! Dh on the other hand does not exercise, so he gets his workout around the house and in the yard! I think I need to do a better job of education him about the fact that there are all kinds of jobs, etc. Maybe this came ffrom something he overheard a friend say? I sure hope not!