How Do You Deal With the Anniversery?

[lisamarie]

My dh's anniversery of his death is coming up January 5th. Its getting close to the date and with it being so close to Christmas, everything is a reminder of the year his passed away. The last time I saw my dh alive was Christmas Day. I have very mixed feelings about the day.

So, how do you deal with the anniversery of the death? Do you go to the cemetary, light a candle, or release a balloon? How do you take care of yourself in the weeks prior to the anniversery and how do you take care of yourself that day?

This year, we are "running away". I don't want to be here, so the three of us are going away to a cabin in the woods, near Mt. Rainier. I don't want to be around our town or at home, instead, I want the peace of the woods and snow falling around me. I want to play in the snow with my ds and see him happy and playful.

What do you do?

Warmly~

Lisa

[dfoy]

Although I have not experienced the death of a spouse (my dh has, though), I did lose both my parents within a year of each other. For a long time, I went to their gravesites with flowers on the anniversaries. But I don't believe they are there any longer and it never really felt "right". Now, I have a charity, one for each of them, and give in their memory. I don't do this on the anniversary of their deaths...I do it on Mother's Day and Father's Day. Enough time has passed that sometimes I don't even think about it on their day. But I sure do miss them during the holidays. My sister and I always get together on Dec. 23. It was my Grandmother's birthday and a day that we always got together as an extended family during the holiday season while I was growing up. Seems fitting to continue the tradition.

Not sure what my dh does...it was Halloween. I'm sure he still thinks about it & if he does do something, he must think it is a private thing between he & her soul or he would share it with me.

[Deirdre]

I beleive in the Jewish tradition they burn a "24 hr" candle in memory of their loved one. I thought this was a beautiful way to remember someone.

[lisamarie]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences with this.

Last year on Christmas (which was the last day I saw my dh alive), we put a memorium in the newspaper that just read "PEACE", love, lisa and dane. My ds, Dane, gave my dh a smooth polished rock that had the word "PEACE" engraved on it on the last Christmas that he was alive.

Warmly~

Lisa

[hahamommy]

December 3rd was the first anniversary of my husband's death. I have really been thinking about tradition for this date. We went to church on the first Sunday of Advent (last year was the 3rd) and will probably keep that as an annual family activity. I was in such awe of the changes my life has taken in a mere 365 days, I couldn't think of much else.

As this is now the second Christmas without Mitch, I made sure to have fun "family time" with the kids, making up things for us to do with setting up, decorating, etc. Not always, but sometimes, focusing on what we would be doing if Daddy were still here.

[lisamarie]

Welcome hahamommy~

I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. How old are your children? The holidays can be difficult, but especially when there is an anniversery date. My dh's anniversery is coming up this 1/5~it will be 2 years.

This is a great support place, so welcome again.

Warmly & With Hugs~

Lisa

(PS-I love it that you are the wackiest widow in town )

[hahamommy]

I am so glad to be writing that we survived Christmas! Last year, just three weeks after Mitch died, we were pretty numb. This year, I was pretty emotional. Hannah, 5, handled things pretty well. Hayden, 3, however, was very very sensitive to my moods. We seemed to clash horribly all thru the 23rd, improving on the 24th and not at all bad on the 25th! I was lucky (and smart!) to surround myself with people who I knew I could count on for support and understanding -- not to mention a bit of help "dividing and conquering" the chidren! Unfortunately, this did not include a lot of family gatherings, but family was included in enough of the other celebrations to satisfy the folks.

Have your gatherings changed in the past two years? Become more supportive environments? It's an amazing self-protective instinct that has come out in me

[lisamarie]

hahamommy~good to hear from you and that you survived! My ds is very sensitive too. On 12/24 I was very weepy all day long and my ds and I clashed all day long too. My crying, took me off guard. I am better today, but tired (I haven't been sleeping well) My ds has a fever today and is extremely worn out, probably emotionally and physically. We put the same memorium in the paper on Christmas this year, as we did last year. But, I did too much this year. I thought I could handle it and I couldn't. I want to run away next year~to the mountains or a sunny beach.

Warmly & Hugs~

Lisa

[lisamarie]

This weekend, the three of us are going to the mountains to get away during the anniversery of Rob's death. Well, I just spoke w/my mom on the phone and she made a comment about me "getting over it" and how "I can't do this every year". Her comment hurt, but she is also in a different place than I am.

I am posting because I know that others, including Ms. Mom have anniverseries during the holiday season. I just found this poem and wanted to share.


From: The Gates of Prayer:

In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember them;
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of the winter, we remember them;
In the opening of the buds and in the warmth of the summer, we remember them;
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn, we remember them;
In the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them;
When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them;
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them;
When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember them;
So long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

Warmly & With Peace~

Lisa

[moondancer]

Thanks for sharing girls. Reading your posts makes me think that maybe part of my problem is that I did NOT grieve my sister ENOUGH in tangible ways. Oh sure, I cried a lot at first, but then life went on with 4 young children and I got two Westie puppies to 'take my mind off it'. I just realized today as I boo-hooed my eyeballs out that I am so easily detached from the process and how silly to get dogs to focus on rather than just weep for my sister. Does this make sense?

Now I am going through my own cancer battle and realizing that same detachment with it. (And yearning to get some more dogs--what is the significance in this I wonder?)

So to see what some of you do to grieve gives me some ideas--but the important thing is to ACKNOWLEDGE it. I remember one anniversary that came and went and I actually forgot that it was 'the day' and when I shared that with my mom she was pleased! Now I'm thinking that is VERY unhealthy behavior!

So you want to hear the irony? I got my cancer diagnosis 2 days from my sister's cancer death anniversary. I don't believe in coincidence. It is very telling.

I'm sad when I hear that people want you to 'get over it'.



peace, moondancer who is feeling very sad today

[lisamarie]

Moondancer~

(((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))) and ((((((((((MUCH LOVE ))))))).

I am so sorry to hear about your sister and to hear that you have cancer. Everyone grieves differently and in different time frames and paces. It sounds like you have such an open heart though and are growing in your grief and loss. It can be hard when people don't understand our grief and make hurtful comments. When my mom did that, I had to give myself ALOT of space and have now come to realize that she just missed me (BUT SHE COULD HAVE WORDED THINGS ALOT BETTER!!!!!).

Please know that I am thinking about you and sending you healing thoughts as well.

Much Love~

Lisa

[moondancer]

Thanks lisamarie

The thing is that my sister died 9 years ago and
I'm finally doing some more grief work. So if anyone 'should' be told to 'get over it' it would be me--but I don't buy that. It was
good to read that grief cycles can be repeated.
That was rather freeing for me.

So today I just sat on my couch and howled like a wolf.
I kid you not. Tilted my head back and the most mournful howls emitted from the depths of my soul. It was wild. I would
love that to be analyzed--it's gotta mean something.

This is good place for me to visit right now--the grief and loss threads. I need to connect with other cancer folks on this board.
I feel so alone. So at least I have you guys who understand profound loss and intense pain.

Thanks for the thoughts.

peace, moondancer

[hahamommy]

Moondancer -- I tell people there is no such thing as "getting over it" there is only "going thru it," and we all get to do that at our own pace. An important thing I focus on in my grieving is that I don't "camp out" during the process, that I heal and move forward and live a full life. The journey can be slow and awkward, or not, as long as it remains a journey. I look closely now for my lessons in life; to appreciate and learn each one I can... I'm still here for many good reasons ... you, too

[Ms. Mom]

hahamommy - what beautifull thoughts! It's as if you climbed in my head and put it all together with grace and beauty.

Greif is a Journey - it has no end only turns, some are beautifull, some are dark, but they all lead someplace.

[Greaseball]

Anniversary

My brother died last summer when he was 20. His 21st birthday is coming up in a few more weeks and I'm going to go to the lake where he drowned (he's still there, body was never found) and drop in some flowers and write him a card and make him some of his favorite sandwiches. Lately I've been crying constantly and it's probably because his birthday is coming up. I expect it will be like this every time his birthday comes around. Christmas wasn't that bad, not as bad as I thought it would be.

[hahamommy]

Greaseball, thanks for sharing.
I hope your trip to the lake is filled with peace and love. Mitch was the first immediate family member I've ever lost and I really wasn't sure how the first year would go... Christmas was numb, as it was too soon. I geared up for Father's Day -- how the hell am I supposed to celebrate that day with my kids? The day came and I was fine, the kids were fine, it was a good memory day, surprise surprise. The next week was his birthday and I again prepared myself and my network for a breakdown. We had a Mexican Food Feast and, again, it was a great day with happy memories. The shocker came when I was busy thinking about my children's birthdays and how to celebrate them, I completely forgot about my wedding anniversary (all the same week). I was a blubbering mess! Gut wrenching cries of pain I had no idea I had been carrying around. A great friend later told me that, of course that would be the day, he wasn't my father, I didn't give birth do him, but I was his wife. The other thing I hadn't thought of, was which holiday would be the hardest on the kids, when they would miss him. I was surprised at first, but later understood, when they were very melancholy for their birthdays. Their last party was an extended neighborhood pool party with Super Dad hosting the water play, including the water balloons. This time, they requested a cake and special dinner, no party.

Wow! That kinda came from no where ... I think I had a point ... Oh yeah, there isn't an "accepted" grieving holiday for your missed one. If it's his birthday that triggers your grief, take that day to deal with it ... let everyone know to either let you freak out to your soul's desire, or to celebrate with you when that is what you need. This August, I will have a tradition to try out, a family one, to honor and remember my marriage, as a good and wonderful thing to have had. I hope you find a wonderful way to remember your brother and what a blessing it was to have him.

~OT but funny~
Having a discussion with the kids yesterday, becoming woman, man, husband, wife, mother, father, etc. "Your our mom and you married our dad and you were his wife -- silence -- but you're nobody's wife anymore!" :

[Ms. Mom]

I can't imagine your sadness, I'm taking in everyone's words and my heart goes out to you all.

[lisamarie]

Greaseball~Thanks for coming and sharing your story. What you are planning sounds wonderful and touching.

Diana~Yes, those grieving feelings can hit at anytime. For me, its when Dane experiences a "milestone", like loosing a tooth. I wish he dad could have been here to experience it w/him.

Sending you both hugs and healing thoughts~

Lisa

[Greaseball]

hurtful comments

Yeah, I think part of the reason I don't talk about it too much is because I'm afraid of some hurtful comment, like someone telling me "It was God's will", "Practice acceptance", "Get over it", "He's in a better place", "Live in the solution, not the problem", "Quit living in the past", "Quit feeling sorry for yourself", "Get grateful", or any of those *nice* things people say when someone dies.



It sickens me that someone's mother would say something like that to them.

[Greaseball]

Lisamarie - Just noticed your son's name is Dane....Harley's middle name was Dain, so I chose that for my daughter's middle name as well. It was the name of a character in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.