How do I explain neighbor girl's divorced parents to Dd?

[Curious]

A new neighbor moved in, newly single after an ugly divorce from a cheating wife. He has a lovely 4 year old girl who Dd (almost 3) adores. He has custody on the weekends, but because of disputes with his exwife, sometimes does not have her, so some weekends are skipped.

Dd keeps asking where the girl's mom is, why the girl has to leave Sunday afternoon at 5, and why she is not around for days to weeks on end.

Dd has no idea that other kids don't live in domestic harmony with both parents. I think it's too early to get very precise about what's going on, but my explanation that she is with 'relatives' (well her mom is a relative) a lot is probably going to wear thin. Plus, Dd keeps asking after the mom. I shudder to think that someday she will ask the girl, who will probably give more information than any of us need to know. Any suggestions?

[mammabear]

Maybe you could explain that the girls Mom and Dad live happily in different houses. Sometimes she stays at home with her mom and sometimes she stays at home with her dad.
I would keep it simple, but I'm sure there will be more questions to follow. If it were me I would just say I'm not sure, since you're probably not anyway, and leave it at that.

[mocha09]

Why don't you want your dd to know that not every family has both parents living together?

How about:

ng's mom and dad don't live in the same house. Some days she's at her mom's house, and some days she's at her dads house.

There are lots of children's books that describe different kinds of families. Maybe you could check some out from the library to help explain to her the many and diverse types of families out there.

[mamawanabe]

Sounds like a great opportunity to explain that not every household looks like hers - that goes what the home looks like (apartment, town house, cabin, house etc), whether pets sleep inside or outside, whether there is a TV or not.

I do think kids start off with the assumption that everyone lives the way they live, but they soon learn otherwise. I don't know why this instance would be different than the other instances.

[girlzmommy00]

I agree with the last poster. I'd just explain that her parents live in different homes so she takes turns seeing each of them. If she asks why, you could explain that her parent chose to live separately but they have her visit them both since they both love her very much.

I originally explained the same thing to my children when my best friend's DH walked out on her. I knew they'd realize sooner or later that he wasn't attending parties with her and wasn't at her house. They seemed to understand and it wasn't upseting. I was glad I did explain it since my own DH walked out on us last year and it helped them to understand a little more.

[Katie Bugs Mama]

ITA with the PPs. This sounds like a great opportunity to explain that not all families look alike but that what they have in common is that they all love their children very much. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just be matter-of-fact.

[Saiahma]

I'd also take it as an opprotunity to discuss different kinds of families. DS did this last year in Kindergarten. The kids each had to draw a picture of their family, luckily there was some variety in DS"s class. It's just him and I in our house, one boy lived with his grandma and another lived with her older sister. I can't remember the name of the book the teacher read to them, but I know there's a whole section at larger book stores (Border's, etc...) for different families. We found a perfect one for DS about biracial kids, and there were others about divorce, adoption, single parents and families with same sex parents. All with various levels of detail....I'm sure the library would have them too!

[comet]

Tell her the truth. She is going back to her mom. You can leave out the cheating part and the fighting part - at least until, and if, she brings it up. I don't see the need to hide it. Just stick to the facts and answer any questions she brings up.

[TiredX2]

Have to agree with the previous posters. There are LOTS of different configurations of families and we treat it just the same as how different families have different rules--- we're all different.

Good luck!

[merpk]

Had the situation with a boy in our community (one of the few kids DS#1's age) when DS was 3, and we put it this way: "John's" aba (father) and ima (mother) live in different places, but they both love "john" very much.

DS took that very well.

And in re two children we know without fathers (both single older IVF moms) we have yet to figure that one out.

At 4yo, though, the too-much-information factor is definitely there. In other words, they just get confused, no matter how bright they are, and misunderstand and misconstrue. So I wouldn't go into a whole lesson about all different kinds of families, etc. Would just take this situation as it is ...

[mammastar]

Yes, please explain it properly to your daughter! As the other posters said, just an explanation that her mom and dad live in different houses and that sometimes she's with one and sometimes with the other should suffice. I'm not quite sure why you would 'shudder' to contemplate explaining this to your child - the neighbour girl doesn't have cooties, she just has a different form of family!

My stepdaughters were with us on weekends when we lived in the same city, and now join us on school holidays. I know that the older one has struggled with the sense that 'everyone' else has a Leave it to Beaver family. For the neighbour girl's sake, I think everyone needs to be as matter-of-fact and cheerful about her family form as possible: it would be very unfortunate if your child got a major vibe about her family being freakish and passed it on to her in conversation.

The intrafamily conflict is not something that should be passed on to your child, however. If your child inadvertantly picks up on some of it - e.g. hears a fight or is told by the neighbour girl that her parents fight - then you could just say that sometimes when families change or are working out when a child will be at mom's house vs at dad's house, it is hard for everyone and they may get sad or mad. Your child may also need reassurance that, while this happens in many families, you and your husband are happy living together.

[L.J.]

I agree that it's best to be honest.
I also agree that sometimes we tend to give too much information.
Keep it simple:
eg. "Where is she going?"
"She's going to her mother's house."
If your child asks more questions, just answer exactly what she's asked.
If then she says, "why doesn't her mother live here?"
You can answer, "because she lives in a different house."

If your child needs or wants more information, she will continue asking questions. If not, you've probably satisfied her for the moment & she will probably come up with new questions another time.

[Shonahsmom]

This is a great book to introduce the concepts of all different kinds of families in a really positive way.

Its called "The Family Book" by Todd Parr. I adore his books! And my dd loves this book.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books

quote from book

"Some families are the same color/ Some families are different colors....All families like to HUG each other!" "Some families have two moms or two dads/ Some families have one parent instead of two....All families like to celebrate special days together!"

You're dd is going to meet many, many different types of families and I think its important for all children to recognize how many different ways people can be families.

[mammastar]

Oh, yes, the Todd Parr book is great!

It was one of the ones I brought in when my stepdaughter was doing 'families' as a theme in preschool - the teachers hadn't brought in anything about different family forms All too common, unfortunately. I think it's important to demystify this for kids!

[Curious]

Thanks for the opinions, I did not intend to convey any judgement of divorce, or the family. Nor did I plan to share the ugly details with Dd, it was just some background for the post. I'm all for diversity and Dd has seen enough in our travels to understand that not everyone lives as she does.

My concern is the particular emotionally developmental stage she happens to be in for these past few months. After long feeling that Dad was some oaf who shared the house, but was largely useless, Dd now not only wants him, but wants the three of us in everything.

The concept of "the whole family together" is something that's deeply important to her right now, at a time when her social curiosity is exploding after a long period of clinging to Mom. And it seems somehow related, in building her sense of security in the world.

Many of you may consider me overprotective but it just does not feel like the right time to burst the bubble...it's hard to explain, its one of those feelings that comes from knowing your child as no one else does.

I did come upon a solution and had a chance to test it. Dh's parents have two homes, and Dd understands this very well. So after a long absence of questions, when she asked me one day where her friend was, I said, "at her other house." This seemed to satisfy completely...for now.

Thanks again.

[mammastar]

I think "at her other house" is a great response!