About a year ago, I asked MIL & SIL to watch my DC (DD was 2 and DS was 4 at the time) at my house, while I was at the orthodontist. Instead of FIL staying at his house, he was trying to avoid someone, and he ended up coming with MIL to my house. This was a big suprise, because he is not generally into DC at all. So, MIL & FIL were watching DC, and I left for my appointment. They had also brought along my neice, who was 3 and lives with them. I told MIL before I left that DD was not wearing panties under her long dress, because she was potty-training and that made it easier for her.
So, I got back and DH got home from work. FIL pulled DH aside and told him to erase our computer history. After they left, DH told me and we went in and looked at it. He had gotten around my password by logging in under a different server and had spent the *entire* afternoon looking at porn, right where everyone could see it. It was not 'playgirl' type stuff. It was extremely graphic, had violence against women, and even clips with sound. I was horrified. I have never yelled at anyone in my life (besides DH sometimes
), but I *yelled* at FIL that night on the phone. I only talked to him for a few minutes but I made it clear to him that we knew it was him (he had tried to deny it), and that he was not welcome in my home anymore. DH had called him first, but was just going "uh-huh" a lot, so I had taken the phone. I can't remember ever being so mad in my life.
The other thing that made me sick to my stomach was that when I got home, MIL told me she had made DD put panties on because it was making FIL uncomfortable. She was TWO in her own house, in a long dress. I think he was uncomfortable because of what the porn was making him feel.
Then, after that, the niece that lives with them and is less than a year older than DD turned out to be sexually molested. It was confirmed by DCFS, two doctors, and one therapist. This is when I found out that this neice sleeps alone frequently with FIL at night in the same bed, in their camper, with MIL on the couch because there "isn't room." They all blame the bio-dad, but DN almost never sees him ever, and almost all the visits have been supervised.
So, in the end, FIL cried, admitted to looking at the porn (after DH printed out the pictures and took then over there for MIL and FIL to see together), and said he was a new man, etc, etc. I have not seen him since that day and neither have my DC. Most of this is due to the fact that we never saw him anyway, and also that we moved 2000 miles away for other reasons.
The problem is now, that they are moving here. That is fine with me, because I like MIL and SIL and DN a lot. My problem is, what do I do with FIL living ten miles from us?
I would not leave him alone around DC, or let him near my comp.
But my feelings tell me I do not ever want him in my house, do not want DC in his house (for a lot of reasons), and do not trust him. Even in a big gathering, I do not feel safe. I was molested as a young girl at a family gathering by a relative- it only took the guy a few minutes alone with me in the kitchen and no one was any the wiser. I could not live with myself if that happened to DD, when I knew better.
I am not worried about hurting FILs feelings, he isn't all that into DC as it is, and my DC have only seen him a handfull of times in their lives. I am worried about handling situations, like "Can you guys all come over for DN's birthday party?" or whatever, yk? I don't want to make MIL hate me or something. As for MIL's part in this, I realize she is an enabler and in denial, and I do trust *her* alone, just not her and FIL together.
So, thank you if you read this far. They are getting here next month. I just need some advice on what to do and say. DH will back me up whatever I decide, but honestly I think he thinks I worry too much. I just read Gavin Be Beker's books about fear and it could not have happened at a better time. Still, I wish I didn't have to feel like the FIL police of the family.
WWYD?
ETA: I think this is harder for me, because my parents are down-right abusive and terrible to DC, so we don't see them. It just makes it harder to have *both* sets of families with issues. My DC deserve some nice relatives besides DH and I.
So, I got back and DH got home from work. FIL pulled DH aside and told him to erase our computer history. After they left, DH told me and we went in and looked at it. He had gotten around my password by logging in under a different server and had spent the *entire* afternoon looking at porn, right where everyone could see it. It was not 'playgirl' type stuff. It was extremely graphic, had violence against women, and even clips with sound. I was horrified. I have never yelled at anyone in my life (besides DH sometimes
), but I *yelled* at FIL that night on the phone. I only talked to him for a few minutes but I made it clear to him that we knew it was him (he had tried to deny it), and that he was not welcome in my home anymore. DH had called him first, but was just going "uh-huh" a lot, so I had taken the phone. I can't remember ever being so mad in my life.The other thing that made me sick to my stomach was that when I got home, MIL told me she had made DD put panties on because it was making FIL uncomfortable. She was TWO in her own house, in a long dress. I think he was uncomfortable because of what the porn was making him feel.
Then, after that, the niece that lives with them and is less than a year older than DD turned out to be sexually molested. It was confirmed by DCFS, two doctors, and one therapist. This is when I found out that this neice sleeps alone frequently with FIL at night in the same bed, in their camper, with MIL on the couch because there "isn't room." They all blame the bio-dad, but DN almost never sees him ever, and almost all the visits have been supervised.
So, in the end, FIL cried, admitted to looking at the porn (after DH printed out the pictures and took then over there for MIL and FIL to see together), and said he was a new man, etc, etc. I have not seen him since that day and neither have my DC. Most of this is due to the fact that we never saw him anyway, and also that we moved 2000 miles away for other reasons.
The problem is now, that they are moving here. That is fine with me, because I like MIL and SIL and DN a lot. My problem is, what do I do with FIL living ten miles from us?
I would not leave him alone around DC, or let him near my comp.
But my feelings tell me I do not ever want him in my house, do not want DC in his house (for a lot of reasons), and do not trust him. Even in a big gathering, I do not feel safe. I was molested as a young girl at a family gathering by a relative- it only took the guy a few minutes alone with me in the kitchen and no one was any the wiser. I could not live with myself if that happened to DD, when I knew better.
I am not worried about hurting FILs feelings, he isn't all that into DC as it is, and my DC have only seen him a handfull of times in their lives. I am worried about handling situations, like "Can you guys all come over for DN's birthday party?" or whatever, yk? I don't want to make MIL hate me or something. As for MIL's part in this, I realize she is an enabler and in denial, and I do trust *her* alone, just not her and FIL together.
So, thank you if you read this far. They are getting here next month. I just need some advice on what to do and say. DH will back me up whatever I decide, but honestly I think he thinks I worry too much. I just read Gavin Be Beker's books about fear and it could not have happened at a better time. Still, I wish I didn't have to feel like the FIL police of the family.
WWYD?
ETA: I think this is harder for me, because my parents are down-right abusive and terrible to DC, so we don't see them. It just makes it harder to have *both* sets of families with issues. My DC deserve some nice relatives besides DH and I.
He isn't convinced, but he is one of those people who think NOTHING bad will EVER happen, yk?
