Things can't always stay the same

[Greaseball]

Last weekend I decided to visit my the neighborhood where I grew up. There was this park where all the kids used to play and I remembered when a slide was put in and all the kids put handprints and wrote their names in the cement under it. I wanted to see my brother's handprint.

But when I got there, the whole playground was gone. There was another one up the hill a ways, but totally different, and the cement handprints had been poured over. It could have been this was a long time ago, since it had been several years since I'd visited. I drove 50 miles to see a handprint that wasn't there! It was kind of like a metaphor; he made a mark that was supposed to be permanent but it wasn't, just like him.

Then I went to eat at the Denny's where Harley used to work, and the uniforms were different. I remember the last time I went there, I was with a friend and Harley came out of the kitchen in this pink uniform. He hadn't been expecting me. Now the uniforms are red.

I wish everything could go back the way it was...

[MelMel]

thanks for sharing that....so true.



I have been feeling like things will change, lately..and have been trying hard to burn this time into my head....I can see trying to reach that feeling and time again and finding its long gone. you also reminded me alot of my childhood.

[Ms. Mom]

, I know that must have been a shock to you. I'm sorry the handprint wasn't still there.

[alaskan mom]

Greeseball

I know that we haven't seen eye to eye on some posts, but I do feel for you. This must of been a very emotional expierence for you. Take care, and big love for alaska. 2

Mother of Faith 9-29-03

[kama'aina mama]

Oh babe, ain't that the truth. For a long time after my mom died one brother and one sister of mine rented a house just up the street from the house we all grew up in. It was very strange to be four doors down and not go in. It was very strange when they painted our cheerful red house an ugly brown. And tore out all my moms rose bushes. It was just so.... ah, it's such an obvious, undeniable sign that things have changed too much to ever be the same. It hurts like hell. I'm sorry about your dear brother. He was too young and it shouldn't have happened.

[Greaseball]

It's hard to admit that he really does not exist anymore. That's why I wish he had never been found and cremated; when his body was whole it's like he still sort of existed.

Sometimes I feel like the only one who doesn't feel their loved one's presence. Other people talk of feeling like their mother is still watching over them, or of feeling the spirit of anyone else, and I just don't feel that.

[Red]

I thought that after my father died, he would come to me, in some form. I was very disappointed when he didn't.

But my father wasn't really a 'go back' kinda guy. He didn't take long rides through his old neighborhoods. He wouldn't be hanging around me, waiting for something to happen. He's off making his own new beginning.

My grandmother seems to stay close to me, but not because I have anything to do with it. I can't talk directly to her. But I can tell her what's going on, and that I love her and feel she hears me. From my dad I get just an emptiness, a void.

My chiropractor gave me a 'self-affirmation' to say everyday. "Life is change. I embrace change." Yeah, right, and it usually shocks and upsets me.

Don't worry about whether anyone 'hears' you. Just talk to them. I hope you feel better soon.