Thinking about TTC

[Meli65]

If there is another thread like this already, please advise ....

But is there anyone else out there feeling ambivalent about TTC? We have one wonderful ds, age 2.5 and as I am 38 years old I don't feel like I have a long time to think about this. We were pregnant briefly and miscarried over the winter and emotionally I have been all over the place ever since.

I have a younger brother whom I adore and can't imagine "denying" my son a sibling. On the other hand, he is perfect just the way he is and it is somewhat tempting to be just be done with the three of us making up the whole family.

Anyone else?

[Icequeen_in_ak]

I completely understand your feelings. After my m/c I swore I was never going to try again because I couldn't deal with the pain again (this was right before I conceived my dd )

I'm your age and I often have the same feelings you do, that I wish my dd could have a sibling. My case is a bit different than yours because my decision was made for me (I have a uterine problem where getting pg again would risk rupture) so I know I can't have more, but honestly.... I sometimes think that if I could, I would choose not to. Physically I feel "too dang old" to do it again, and honestly... I'm completely happy with just my DD.

So... while my circumstances are a tad bit different, I completely understand where you are coming from.

[jempd]

I am older than you guys but am also on the fence. Have been weighing pros and cons seriously lately. A close friend and SIL recently had babies so that has wakened urge to have another considerably. Ds is 3 and I think he could really use a sibling. On the other hand, our resources would really be stretched if we had another and they are just covering things right now. Dh is not opposed but leaning more toward not having another more than I am and I would have to urge him much more. Am old enough that maybe I really shouldn't though my doctor said I should try if I want to. Sometimes feel sad when I see young babies and long for another and yet sometimes think longingly of the future when ds is more independent and I can do more stuff for myself. Was just thinking before I read this post that I should visit the doctor, have a talk with him about it, have a talk with myself and dh, and then decide once and for all.

[Meli65]

I'm glad that there at least a couple others in my shoes! I often feel quite alone in my ambivalence.

Every day is different -- today I say that no sibling is necessary. Ds is not an easy child -- very outgoing, physical and loving but moody, sensitive, and hard to "control" -- along with a host of food allergies/sensitivities. I honestly don't know if I have the strength to deal with another such baby. Of course the next might be easy but there's no way to plan for that.

I'd be interested in hearing your continuing thoughts on the subject, if you want.

[alaska]

I'm 37 w/ a 20 month old. After he was born, DH and I were absolutely positive he'd be the only one. We didn't want to go through that again (that being the newborn stage...) We LOVE him, we'll be able to provide more for him if he's an only, we'll be able to go on great trips w/ him, I'll have time for myself sooner etc etc.

And yet.... we're about to start TTC #2. (1) I want him to have a sib. I love my sister and couldn't imagine being without her. I'm an older mom, he'll have to spend more of his life without me than if I'd had him when younger (I know, not a given, but let's say I survive to old age.... ) (2) I thought about what our family would be like 5 years from now.... 7 years...10 years. I saw that although it may be harder with two in the beginning, later on it would be worth it. While we're on those great vacations we're planning, would it be more fun for DS to have another kid to share that with - what about holidays? (3) I want to know what it's like to have a new baby, now that I already know what to expect. I want to experience it again knowing what I know.

It was taking myself out of the here & now and thinking about what I envisioned my family to be in the future, that helped me make the decision.

gl making your decision....
Amy

[lunchbox]

OMG this is the thread for me. DD is 27 mos. She is perfect in every way. We had always planned on only one child. But I am so wanting another for the last week or so. I have a brother that I am not particularly close to, same with DH. I don't feel like I have to give her a sibling but she is growing up so fast. IKWYM about the temptation to stick with one. Would I feel like a new baby would be an intruder? What if it was too hard and we had major regrets? Our finances are tight too. I am enjoying having some time for my hobbies again, even if its just knitting while Lucy plays nearby.

I have no answers for you - just all of the same questions. Plus I am almost 36 so I feel the age thing too. I told DH that I really don't want to get pg after 38.

[Meli65]

Excellent food for thought, Alaska. So glad to meet some others in my boat

More questions for everyone. What about birth defects? Does that prospect scare you? It does me, so much so that the thought of that is almost enough for me to stop here. Of course, getting pregnant always carries some element of risk, but the odds gets so high at 40. I don't think I would be able to terminate a pregnancy so I don't think I'd get amnio or anything, but it really freaks me out.

What about adopting? This gives me some comfort. It took a little while to conceive ds so I was reading up on it then. I like the idea that I can avoid the biology part of the equation, but I wonder how an only child would adjust to a brand-new sibling, esp. one that is a little older than a baby.

Anyone? Thanks!

[alaska]

Hi Melissa
Yes, the thought of birth defects is scary .... and the risk does increase after age 40. I have no words of wisdom here. It scares me, too. Is this something you could see a genetic counselor about? Find out if you have any risk factors besides age?

I don't know anything about the adoption process - have you checked out that forum here at mdc? I'd imagine that the adjustment a child has to make to a new sibling - be it a natural sibling or an adopted sibling, is probably the same. Just my guess though.

This whole TTC #2 requires such a leap of faith - every morning I'm sure we're doing the right thing, but every night, right before we actually start the um, mechanics, of TTC #2, I freak myself right out. If I start thinking about everything that might go wrong, or how tired I'll be in the beginning even if everything goes right, I really start vacillating. I just keep thinking about my "future" family....
GL
Amy

edited to add: re-reading my post, it appears I haven't been very helpful...at least I bumped you back to the top, right? Hoping someone else has some better advice for you.....