What values do you teach?

[nuggetsmom]

DH and I are having a discussion about values an dhow to teach them to our children.

So I was just wondering, what are your values and how do you convey these to your kids.
Personally I think the only thing you can really do is model values with your own behavior. And I am still not decided what my top four values really are. Sounds lame, but it requires some thought becuase I think that some values really stem from others. Like empathy, if you value empathy, then respect for others will automatically follow.

[PurpleBasil]

I think about this a lot and have very few 'answers', if any. But some of my thoughts:

I agree, values have to be modeled. But more than modeled, they must be experienced by the child. How can you know what it is to empathize if no one has ever empathized with your pain?

I don't remember much of what my parents said (like most/all kids) but I do remember their behavior and choices. I think it will be the same with my kids' memories of me and DH. For better or worse.

I don't believe in communicating values to children in a way the child swallows it whole. I think anything a child adopts 'because it is nice/right/good' is way wrong. We know love because we experience love. And then we love in our own way, not in the exact way we were loved.

Should one be nice to others? Dunno. Always? No. Should one share or better still, want to share? Dunno. Should one do things out of obligation rather than intrinsic motivation? IMO, no.

These sorts of moral questions have been around for ages. I certainly don't expect to solve them for myself or my kids. I hope my children find altruism in their hearts and live their truth. Independent of me for sure. I hope they find intrinsic motivation for living with others on this planet in a way that honors other people and themselves. Do I know that way? Nope.

Now that I've thoroughly confused things...

[mamaduck]

I agree with you about modelling, and with Playdough about treating our children the way that we would like them to treat others. I also think that praising them for demonstrating values in their behavior will reinforce those values in their minds. Verbally pointing out and showing pleasure over certain attitudes/behaviors.

I think we are striving to teach these values:

- being honest
- respect towards each other and other living creatures
- caring for their bodies
- the value of working hard and doing their best

I think this is a good topic -- one that I will think more about.

[teachma]

I think every situation lends itself to the teaching of one or more of the values in which I believe. For instance, ds started a new summer daycamp this year, and 9 out of 12 children in his group were from his preschool class. I had intentionally chosen this camp so that ds could be with some of his friends, but I had no idea that almost ALL of them would be there, and in the same class no less. I felt glad that the presence of his friends would provide him with security and confidence, especially since this has been a trying year for him (moved 2X, had a new baby). However, I wanted him to avoid the common tap (for adults and kids alike) or becoming clique-ey to the point of excluding, or not welcoming, the new children. I have gone out of my way to set up a playdate with one of his "new friends" and have taught him the importance of including others, rather than excluding them, when he plays. I would like him to be open-minded to meet new people, rather than closed off to the possibility. Each situation each day, I kind of view as an opportunity to teach one small thing I believe in. Really, as a parent, I think I'm constantly instilling my values by setting examples and just modeling for my son. I think, actually, it's unavoidable. Or maybe it's just the teacher in me!

[Piglet68]

As DD is only 2, I don't have much to add. I love what Playdoh said, and that is exactly how I feel.

I also don't think that my values necessarily HAVE to be their values. They are individuals, and just as we on this board all have different values, so our children may grow up to have different values than us. So for me, modelling is super important. Dictating values is not.

If I had to pick right now, my list would be alot like mamaducks.

we don't hit living things
we don't yell at each other
we listen to each other and mirror back to ensure we understand

...that's about all I can think of right now.

[eilonwy]

The most important value that I want to convey to my children is that they and their opinions are important and just as valid as anyone else's regardless of age or initials after your name or American definitions of "success" or whatever. I'm working on conveying this in everyday life through TCS, which is what makes sense to me.

[Fieryfly]

Modeling and treating other(including my kids) with the same respect as I would want to be treated are very important to me. My oldest is 8, so it seems that the opportunity to share our values with him has increased dramatically. We found the Character Connections used in Cub Scouts to be very similar to our own. The program encourages teaching these to kids through "know-commit-practice". Our religion also plays a big role in what we pass on to the kids.

I talk a lot with my DS about the meaning of words such as honesty, friendship, courage, and then we talk about any actions involved. We also do a lot of role play. He loves to spend the night with his friends, which has brought conflicting family values to the table quite often(why we do things one way and another family may do it a different way). We talk about taking care of your body by eating right and getting enough rest no matter where you are; you'll feel better and be a better friend.

[nuggetsmom]

Originally Posted by playdoh

I agree, values have to be modeled. But more than modeled, they must be experienced by the child. How can you know what it is to empathize if no one has ever empathized with your pain?

That is a good point. I guess DD probably thinks I value yelling lately Kidding.
I was thinking about thsi more and I realize that some things I value but don't always manage to stand up for. Like I value being able to stand up to authority and being independant thinking but I am pretty sheepish when it really boils down to it. I may know what I want but in the moment I am unable to stand up for myself. Come to think of it, my parents rarely let us stand up against them. It just wasn't done. No wonder I stil don't.

I am especially thinking about his now because I seem to have conversations with DD about "shooting" things. She has no concept of what she is saying, but I talk to her about shooting hurting people etc. But DH thinks I am overreacting. SO I think there is a lot of social learning going on even now and earlier too and at least DD still looks at me for the final say in what is good (I think anyway) so I want to make sure that I am really living according to my values.

Amazing how kids can really bring out the best in you.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Nice thread.

I remember a class where we had to choose just 3 values we hoped to pass to our children.

I chose:

Gratitude
Reverence
Compassion

(if I remember correctly)

I'll add more after I've read the thread...

Oh, and I totally agree that you can not teach values without modeling them consistently.

[Dar]

Kindness
Integrity
Curiosity

Dar

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Oh, yea! Curiosity was high on our list too!

[PurpleBasil]

I don't believe one can teach values. But perhaps that's a thread for some other forum (or message board)!

[Autumnschild]

Children learn by example.

By just instructing them on how to behave, they are more likely to rebel. I strongly believe that they learn best by example. For instance, my DD is 2 yrs. She uses good manners, like please, thank you, excuse me, etc. I never instructed her to say these things...she learned by watching those around her. Another example: when I break down and cry in front of her, she comes to me and hugs and kisses me, telling me it will be ok. This is the kind of empathy she is shown at home, and it melts my heart to see that it is instilled in her. We are just beginning, but we are off to a good start.

Sheri

[LynetteTX]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Nice thread.

I remember a class where we had to choose just 3 values we hoped to pass to our children.

I chose:

Gratitude
Reverence
Compassion

(if I remember correctly)

I'll add more after I've read the thread...

Oh, and I totally agree that you can not teach values without modeling them consistently.

That is a good list of 3!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by playdoh

I don't believe one can teach values. But perhaps that's a thread for some other forum (or message board)!

I'm interested - either here or on another thread.

Oh, and Thanks, PP!

[hockeymama]

I have a question that I think ties into this (if it doesn't I apologize)

How do you explain to your child when others in society don't share the same values...especially things like tolerance and respect for others.

Example, we were at a local park waiting to board a tram. There was a group of people waiting with us, one child was about 5-6, on a harness (not having issue with the harness, bear with me!) and he was obviously excited about going. However the adult at the other end wanted him to calm down and rather than asking child to calm body, or even acknowledge his obvious excitement, whatever, he picked the child up by the back of the harness, screamed at him to knock this sh*t off, and then smacked him a few times on the bottom. Obviously several things wrong here.

But I was stunned, as someone who belives that nothing is solved through physical means, I couldnt believe my eyes. And I will say this, DD is only 2 so she didn't understand, but had she been a few years older, she would have noticed...what do I say to that??? because it's not even within the realm we operate!

This has really been bothering me for the last week!

[mamaduck]

Originally Posted by hockeymama

I have a question that I think ties into this (if it doesn't I apologize)

How do you explain to your child when others in society don't share the same values...especially things like tolerance and respect for others.

Example, we were at a local park waiting to board a tram. There was a group of people waiting with us, one child was about 5-6, on a harness (not having issue with the harness, bear with me!) and he was obviously excited about going. However the adult at the other end wanted him to calm down and rather than asking child to calm body, or even acknowledge his obvious excitement, whatever, he picked the child up by the back of the harness, screamed at him to knock this sh*t off, and then smacked him a few times on the bottom. Obviously several things wrong here.

But I was stunned, as someone who belives that nothing is solved through physical means, I couldnt believe my eyes. And I will say this, DD is only 2 so she didn't understand, but had she been a few years older, she would have noticed...what do I say to that??? because it's not even within the realm we operate!

This has really been bothering me for the last week!

When we not only wittnessed an incident like this, but were actually closely involved (the child was spanked for kicking my child) my younger son spent about a day in a half whimpering and shaking, periodically saying, "Daddies are not for hitting." I just held him and agreed with him -- saying that he was right, and that particular Daddy made a big mistake and had a big problem, and that it wasn't our fault, and that we would pray for the little boy's family to get better.

[Changed]

~love, joy, peace,

[siddie]

I think about the values I learned from my parents who were not really all that great with values... MOst of this I absorbed from family experiences, some from lectures From my Dad I learned to value education, work ethic, reading, camping, saving money (well, I'm not really that good at that one,) and trying to make wise choices. From my Mom gardening, enjoying holidays, cleanliness, loving the beach, making a comfortable home. Things I learned NOT to do from my parents are smoking, drinking, gambling, lack of exercise.

Values I am trying to teach my ds: are health, eating properly, brushing teeth, exercise, enjoying swimming and tennis. Family and friendship. Being nice to others. Respecting elders. Reading, education, gardening, cooking, keeping a clean and healthy house. Being kind to animals. REspecting oneself. Loving the beach. Music.

Still working on spirituality.

[Dar]

I think modeling is a way of teaching. However, I think I go beyond just modeling the values I want my daughter to have (although I think the modeling is important,too).

When I make decisions, I talk about my reasoning, in terms of my values. When she talks about issues in her life, I reflect my values when I give input. There have been times in Rain's life when it seemed that her lack of some quality I valued was really making it hard to life with her, and so I did specifically talk about that quality and why I thought it was important, and at times when it seemed that they would be important I would mention them again. When she was 5 or 6 that was "flexibility", later it's been initiative" - they don't make the top three but I think they're important.

dar