well ladies, i keep thinking im going to have teh time and energy to update you all on the latest here, but it just ain't happening. My energy is so low, and dd so demanding
what's a mama to do. all i want to do is sit and :cry but i dont even have time for that. this has been the worst summer of my life, save for meeting Rose in Cali. That was like a beautiful dream, where for once I wasn't explaining myself, or my child, or my choices. I can't wait for her to get back so she can post some of the pics. It was an instant connection on everyone's part, and for me at least, it was like cool water on a hot day. much needed and oh so refreshing.
I feel so tired and lost these days and this summer has been difficult for us in so many ways. Now we are home and its just us three, I thought that it would be better. Instead I just feel empty and used up. I have to find my spirit again. I was feeling so invincible this spring, but alas I was more fragile than I knew.... All it took was six constant weeks of naggin and me explaining myself and defending myself to erode away all the confidence I had as a mother. It all came to a head yesterday, when I actually spanked my daughter.
Boy that really woke me up.... I handled it really well, and of course loved on her and told her that i was wrong and mamas are never suppose to hit their babies. It really showed me how out of it I am though, it seems my anger and frustration is ruling my brain right now, I have to find my way back to peace and serenity, but im not sure how. Im trying to find someone to watch dd for just a few hours (she's nursing so much right now) so i can have a few hours just to concentrate on me and my long neglected needs but dh is working like crazy and my mom turned me down. really there is no one else.
i feel so low and like all i have worked for is wasted.
i would give just about anything to meet any one of you ladies for a nice cup of hot tea. I know you could ground me once again.
See the trip to Cali really sucked. The people we stayed with (dh family) unbeknownst to us didnt want a toddler in their house. We felt unwelcome from the get go. They were so disrespectful of her needs and when we tried to assert them they basically told us we dont know what we are doing because we are young and she is our first. Every night we had an argument because we refused to put her in the crib they borrowed (even though we told them before we went out there not to borrow it, she sleeps with us) We got the CIO speech countless times, they were so uncomfortable with my bf and even made comments about how "third world" it is that I squat down to play with dd etc. !!!! (a habit i picked up from the bradley books i read when pregnant) it was awful. And i feel so guilty because i didnt fight more for her. They refused to bend their schedule to meet her needs and i feel awful that i didnt stand up to them more.
Needless to say we won't be doing that again. We only went this time because mil wanted us to, and paid our way.
Anyhow, that's all from me.
P.S. yeah Heather, you are moving right along. You will be in my thoughts
P.P.S well i've been sitting here thinkign about how i just rained on all y'alls parades adn thought I should say something nice now
at the airport when we were coming home, dh had laid dd down to change her diaper, and she said her first sentence : "I want Mama!" talk about heart melting! So yup, I got to do the honors! :LOL