Originally Posted by lilmiss'mama
Hey Rynna-- I wanted to mention that I believe at some point you had said you were a libra; I am too. Being the scales fairness is very important to us. And I have a hard time too when things aren't *fair*! I have had to let go of this somewhat since having Scarlett otherwise I'd go crazy. Maybe you could entertain the notion of letting some of this go too?
I am indeed a libra, and I know my obsession with fairness/balance is a seriously libra thing. In many ways, I am the archtypal libra... from my curly hair on down.
I can entertain the notion of letting things go, but applying it irl is a whole different story. It really throws my whole self out of kilter when things don't balance, it just drives me crazy beyond belief. There are too many other little things which I can't do (like paint the walls-- I despise white walls...) which would make me happy, and since I can't do them I have to focus my energies elsewhere and that means trying extra hard to make things even. I'm probably going to end up doing Rivkah's entire birth sampler again later.
Rivkah's name is the original, Hebrew form of the name "Rebecca"; if I wanted to be as correct as possible about the spelling, it would be "Ryvqah" but I thought that would be a mean thing to do to her. I was definately right, people can't even seem to pronounce "Rivkah", and I think it's pretty darned intuitive.
Her first name is Sadie, after Mike's grandmother who passed away several years ago (I never met her.) We called her Sadie Rivkah instead of Rivkah Sadie because it flows better the first way and the second way isn't pleasant when combined with our last name. :LOL
Sometimes, I look at Eli and stroke his hair or his cheek and wonder at how I got such a perfect, beautiful child.
Other times, I find myself looking at him and thinking "It's a good thing you're so cute, or...." I rarely finish the thought.
I really love him, I think he's a wonderful child and a fabulous little person, but sometimes he drives me insane! Worst of all, I know that it's often my fault (sort of). For instance, if he got more time to play outside, he'd be a lot more relaxed and less jittery than when he's in the house all day.. but the backyard isn't closed on either end, and he runs out all the time into the alley or the street, and I can't really chase him with Rivkah in the sling much better than I could when I was 7/8/9 months pregnant. So I feel guilty, Eli is miserable because he's been inside all day, and then he starts getting into things which gets me upset which makes Eli more miserable and makes me feel more guilty... It's a vicious cycle!
I'm just really bummed out about a lot of stuff lately. I wondered if it wasn't PPD, but I don't think that's it-- it feels more like a situational depression which is exacerbated by my not-quite-settled hormones. Sometimes I worry that I'm going to scar Eli for life, and I get very upset about that. Here's hoping I'm overreacting.