When does it stop?

[wendy1221]

My baby sister died in January. She was 22 years old. She died in her sleep after drinking and taking a Zanax at a party. Here it is July and I still can't stop thinking about her and feeling so sad that she never really found her place.

And the guilt. I feel SO guilty! THe last time I spent any time w/ her was when she came out to help me when ds#2 was born last September. She was supposed to come out before he was born so that we had someone to leave ds#1 w/. I kept calling and saying this baby's coming early, I need her here NOW. And my dad kept saying, oh women always say the baby's coming early and it never does, and wouldn't let her come out early. So Jake was born 2 weeks early and we had to call one of dh's co-workers to come stay w/ Damien the night Jake was born. Anyway, she got here when Jake was 2 days old and stayed a little over a week. The first week, she was wonderful. She vacuumed every day (I think out of boredom) and dusted, etc, while Damien was at preschool and then when he got home, I only saw them when they were hungry. She took him for walks, to the sandbox (the volleyball court in our apartment complex), had him ride his bigwheel in the tennis courts (big safe place, unlike the street--that was her idea). And then after she'd been here for a week, she drank half a bottle of my wine (we're Jewish and have wine every Friday for Shabbat) and went out partying w/ the maintenance supervisor. I was floored and SO mad at her! Not because she did it, but because she didn't tell me she was going anywhere. She just disappeared. And it was the one night in the time she was there that my dh had to work late and I was left all alone w/ the 2 kids at bedtime (which is not usually a good time for my 4 year old!). I was so mad, I barely spoke to her the rest of the time she was here, including her birthday. She celebrated her last birthday at my house and I didn't even give her a card, a cupcake. Nothing. I told her happy birthday, but I was kind of grudging about it. I still feel so bad about that. I saw her at New Year's at my parents' house, but I barely spoke to her. I just gave her some CD's she'd left at our place and some of my perfume that she'd borrowed and liked while she was here, but I never wear. I was tired and she didn't visit long. And she was dead 2 weeks later. We drove back to IN (from PA) and 5 days later got a call from my dad. He couldn't even say the words. He jsut said he had really bad news and completely broke down. I asked if it was pap (my grandfather's had several heart attacks), and he said no, Theresa. He was so broken up, I told him I'd call my older sister. And did the same thing. Said I had horrible news and couldn't get the rest out. We were all together that week after she died. My 2 brothers and 1 sister, parents, grandparents. I just still think about her so much. She was so young. Will I ever get over this? I know I'll never forget her. But I just think about her so much and it makes me so sad. Thanks for listening.

[Ms. Mom]

Wendy I'm so very, very sorry you lost your sister.

No you will never 'get over it', but you will get past these dark feelings. You will never forget your sister, but eventually, her death will not consume you as much as it is now.

What a sad, sad story she's left behind. I can't imagine your grief. Please know that guilt is a normal response to grief. We always wish we could have done more, said something more - not been angry with the person ect.

You did nothing wrong, it sounds like your sister was feeling lost and unfortunately, she died before finding her way.

Please feel free to talk about your sister here.

[merpk]

[pugmadmama]

I'm so sorry that your sister died.

Have you done any grief counseling? When my husband's brother died, he waited about a year and then started grief counseling. It was hugely helpful for him.

[Mom4tot]

Wendy I am so sorry. You are in the midst of such grief now. It will take time, but it will become more manageable.

My brother died in 1980. Very similliar circumstances...looked like an accidental overdose. But, I was young and my family was trying to cope with some of his problems...it was so sad and unexpected. I know how it feels to lose someone like that. It was so hard watching my parents be so sad.

Have you thought about writing her a letter, or journaling? Take care...I will keep you in my thoughts.

[juicylucy]

Wendy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have two younger sisters, and I can't even imagine how you must feel. I am not very close to my youngest sister- we are at different stages in our life, and she is a party animal like your sister (I am guessing from your post.) After reading your post, I e-mailed her to tell her how much I love her, because we don't ever tell each other. I like the idea from mom4tot of writing her a letter.

[IslandMamma]

Wendy, my heart goes out to you.

I have a thread on here about one of my dearest friends who is trying to cope with the suicide of her mother and brother, and her own attempt. I cannot say I know your pain, but I have borne witness to that grief lately, and my thoughts are with you.

I think no matter what the circumstance, we have a tendancy to feel guilt, and to wonder "what if"... but guilt is counterproductive to healing.

One thing I have told my friend is she has a sense of empathy and compassion that no one who hasn't been through such an ordeal of loss would ever know. Perhaps some day she-- and you-- will be compelled to heal others by your very experiences.

Again, I'm so, so sorry. Be gentle on yourself, momma...

[applejuice]

My heart goes out to you.

You never forget that person.

You go on and live your life. LIfe is different. Life goes on.

You have a hole in your heart where that person was in your life.

[wendy1221]

Thanks so much everybody. I'm still feeling sad. Maybe it's because we're going to my older sister's for her annual sumer family get together and I know Theresa isn't going to be there. Maybe that's why I've been thinking about her so much this week. A coworker just asked me if I only had 1 sister when we were talking a little while ago and I mentioned we were going to my sister's this weekend. Then I talked for about 20 minutes about her. I think he felt really bad he'd brought it up. I never know what to say when people ask how many siblings I have. I have 2 brothers, 1 living sister and 1 who just died in January. The hardest thing about her death was that she never really found her niche. She had so much potential that we could all see, but she never seemed to do anything with it. We just sat back and tried to be supportive w/out pushing. I'm glad we had that time together when Jake was born. She helped me so much and we talked a lot about parenting. She said she had this feeling she was never going to have children (and she was right), but if she did, she was going to do things the way my older sister, Sandy and I do, co-sleeping, no circing, breastfeeding, etc. She said it just felt more right than what she saw her friends doing w/ their kids (bottlefeeding, cio, etc). Most likely that was because that's just what we do in our family (what our mom did, except for the circ part--my parents STILL will not let up on that one), but it still made me feel good to hear her say that. Thanks for letting me ramble. I think just talking about her, the good times and the bad is making me feel better.

[L.J.]

I agree with the others that the pain doesn't really stop & there are times that are harder than others. Life somehow continues on, but it is always different. I still have moments where I think of picking up the phone and realize I can't talk to them anymore. Sometimes the grief just sneaks in when you don't expect it too.

[gossamer]

Dear Wendy,
I am so very sorry your sister died. I lost my daughter a year ago and have since gone to several support groups and grief counsellors. One of the facilitators I am privileged to know is world renowned for his work with grief. He told me that it takes between 2 - 5 years to fully incorporate the loss into your life. You will never get over it. You will have bad days and good days and slowly you start having more good than bad. There will be events and celebrations that will make you think of her more often. There will also be times that you just get blindsided by something seemingly innocuous that knocks you on your a**. These are all normal symptoms of grief. It is called Grief Work for a reason, it is work. You will and probably have experienced somatic distress, change in appetite, feelings of malaise, crying jags, feeling obsessed with the death and possible hallucinations (audible and visual). These are all normal symptoms of grief. Claim your rights as a grieving sister and don't be afraid to claim her as your sister and share her. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Gossamer

[Greaseball]

Hi Wende, I'm sorry you lost your sister. I lost my brother 3 years ago. He died in an accident while he was drunk and also seemed like a lost person who was just starting to find his way. Although his death was his own fault, I sometimes think maybe there was something I could have done to prevent it. He was supposed to meet me that day and ditched me; I often think that if I had called to remind him or been more insistent about it, he'd still be here.

And I also hate it when people ask me how many siblings I have. I never know what to say. And I'm always half-hoping they'll ask "So, you never had a brother? Never at all?" just so I can talk about him. Once I showed someone a picture of me when I was a kid and they said "Who's this guy" and I told them it was my little brother and then I was all upset when they never asked anything about him. But how could they know?

I think whoever said that grief only takes 6 months is full of crap! It really does take a lifetime. It's true that it does get easier to live with and it stops interfering with your daily functioning, but that time is different for everyone, and it never goes back to the way it was. It forever changes you. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you if you cry every day for a year or whatever - however you feel is totally normal and necessary for you! I hope you have a place you can talk about it. Or if you don't, maybe you can write.

[wendy1221]

Thanks a lot. I'm feeling much better this week. I think it was knowing she wasn't going to be there for my sister's annual summer party. Plus we were just in PA visiting family in June, so it was almost as if I was ok in June, but getting together w/ everyone again so soon was just too much. Thanks so much, all of you. And thanks, Goassamer for writing about the stages and symptoms. I've had all of those and wondered if I was going truly crazy.

Greaseball (LOL! Sorry, but I feel silly calling someone that! ROFL!), I often wonder if there had been something I could have done differently. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that she was her own person, living her life the way she chose to live it. I may have offered to do more for her, but even if I had and she had accepted, I don't think I could have done much for her. I remember thinking I should ask her to move in with us temporarily just to get her out of Johnstown (where my entire family is from. Johnstown, PA--the most depressing city in the US), maybe help her get started w/ a new job, maybe taking classes. But I didn't do it b/c I didn't want to risk her behaving badly around my kids. And I really punished myself for that right after she died. I kept thinking what if What if? But I don't feel bad about that anymore. ecause I know my kids are the most important thing and I was right to not risk anything by asking her to stay. ANd even if I had, who says it would have helped her. It might not have made any difference. OK, now I'm rambling again. I gota get back to work.

9 days till my last day of work! Woo hoo!