A little rant--cultural differences

[ChasingPeace]

The other day I was changing my 5 month old ds' diaper, and my MIL (who lives with us and does not speak English) was in the bedroom with me. Ds has a recently-acquired habit of massaging his genitals when he has access to them (which, I've been assured by my own mom and others, is completely normal).

Anyway, ds started to do this, and my MIL grabbed his hand, pulled it away and said something to him in her language. I don't speak her language very well, so I didn't know exactly what she said, but I had an idea, so I said "no, that's wrong" and freed his hand. She then grabbed his hand back and said the word a few more times. I later asked dh what the word meant and he said it meant "shame on you." I got very upset and told dh I didn't want MIL saying things like that to ds. DH said she was just joking (she wasn't).

My dh comes from a very conservative culture, and I really don't want to pass along the culture's unhealthy (IMHO) attitudes about the body and sexuality in general. Dh won't say anything about this to his mom, or to anybody else in his family for that matter (I suspect if MIL is doing things like this, my SILs are as well, and MIL and SILs watch him while I'm at work). Am I fighting a losing battle or making a big deal out of nothing?

[Piglet68]

a) I don't think you are making a big deal out of nothing.

Body image is extremely important, and generations of shaming, humilation, guilt, and overall rotten attitudes towards sex, sexuality, and nudity has not done us ANY good.

b) I don't think you are fighting a "losing" battle...

...but it will be all uphill since apparently your DH doesn't care enough about your feelings, wishes, and parenting values to help you out. For that, I'm sorry. Normally I would say it's your spouse's job to talk to his family, but you will have to.

Next time your MIL does something like that, be firm and show her you are angry and that it isn't acceptable. You don't need to speak the same language to show her that. Start putting your foot down now, while your baby is still too young to get what's going on. Make it clear to your IL's, whenever the subject comes up, how YOU feel and what YOUR values are and that you expect them to be respected.

You also have a bit of a challenge b/c you are dependent on them as sitters. Since I'm assuming you aren't paying them, it will be tougher to be firm. You're going to have to make the choices yourself as to whether this is the sort of environment you want your baby raised in. If you think there is any way they will respect your wishes in your absense, have a good talk with them. If you think they'll nod when you are there and do whatever they like when you are gone...well, you have a problem.

Personally, and this is JMO (because this is an important issue to me), I would not tolerate it and tell DH that either he puts his foot down to his family, or you will have to find alternative childcare.

[TigerTail]

i'd just find alternative childcare, i wouldn't be able to trust that my wishes were not being violated no matter what assurances were given me. a lifetime of cultural programming is not going to be erased because someone's silly dil who needs to be taught better tells her so. in this country, mama is boss. if you are working you sure as hell have the right to say 'THIS is getting budgeted for child care expenses.' (and personally, i'd start counseling with my dh if he disregarded things i felt to be of such import- well, we prolly ought to go to counseling anyway, but that's another story, lol.)

good luck, this sounds like a really tough situation for you.

suse

[menudo]

Good luck..this is a toughie. My MIL has a habit of grabbing genitals and saying innapropriate stuff in her language. Not trying to molest but being funny, etc. Alot of his family and culture do this, but she is extreme. My kids have seen her few times and will NEVER be left alone with her...

[sphinx]

Are your MIL and husband the same as mine? My daughter is now 4 and though we don't live with grandma anymore, this very things is still an issue - most of our parenting choices are issues with her too! I do speak the language, but no matter how detailed I get with her, she just doesn't respect my wishes and is stuck in her cultural habits & beliefs. And I have the exact same problem with my husband - understandably, he doesn't want to deal with his annoying mother and consequently acts as though I'm overreacting (even ideas he would vehemently defend to anybody else are suddenly mine alone when it comes to convincing grandma). But it's not fair that it should be up to you only to navigate these conflicts, especially because as time goes on, I sense there will be plenty more of them to deal with. I have had to become really firm, and it has caused a lot of tension in the family, but that's life.

The thing about going out and getting alternative childcare is that it's a very sensitive issue and probably unrealistic especially when you live with MIL. Not only is there a financial component, of course, but those familial ties can be very tricky. Also, I may not want to hang around my MIL, but I definitely want my daughter to have a special and unique relationship with her grandma, despite our different beliefs in raising children. I kind of reassure myself that as long as our rules and methods are predominant in her experience, and grandma is not abusive, the child is not going to be permanently damaged by occasionally experiencing practices & attitudes that differ from ours - in fact it might be a good thing to learn this diversity from a young age. But if your SILs and MIL are spending a lot of time with your son, like entire working days, you are definitely right to be more concerned. Is there any chance the living situation will change in the near future, or are you stuck with MIL for the duration?

Also - I wonder if the SILs, being younger, might not be as conservative, but you should make it your business to find out and to let them know how you expect your child to be parented. I gave my MIL specific lists of things my daughter can eat, for instance (that's a BIG issue) and while I know she hates me for it, it has helped some.

Good luck!!!

[ChasingPeace]

Thank you for your replies--I really needed some validation, and I appreciate it. Fortunately I think MIL will temporarily be going back to her home country in a few months. She really adores ds and is otherwise wonderful with him, so I;m hoping to fix this diplomatically for the remaining months she'll be caring for him. I think you all identified the real problem--dh. Issues of sexuality are our battleground when it comes to parenting views--I'm determined to keep from passing on shame/body image problems, while dh wants to prevent ds from getting influenced by "American" acceptance of promiscuity. BTW he was NOT like this before we got married. God/goddess help us if we have a daughter.

[TigerTail]

good heavens, my churchgoing, studious dd could not be less 'promiscuous', & i never got weird on her about touching herself. i think personality has a great deal to do with it (in the absense of horrific taliban-style restrictions from outside.) i hope your dh sees some sense about this! mil-shooing vibes, suse

[frand]

"Issues of sexuality are our battleground..."

ChasingPeace -- it sounds like THAT is the real cultural difference, more than your MIL. Especially since you say he was not like this before you married. Best of luck to you since it's very primal stuff when men are shamed by their mothers as young boys and you may be dealing with some hot buttons over time, but look at it this way-- 40 years ago most American mothers would have done the same things to their babies that your mother in law did to your son. Your son is lucky to have a grandma who adores him and a mom who will stick up for him. But it ain't easy being the enlightener...!