backfiring?

[sphinx]

Looking for some guidance as to the effects of conscious parenting techniques. We have never owned a TV and dd (4.5) has been allowed very rarely to watch TV at others' houses. She did not see any movies until she was about 3.5 and has since then has watched the same 3 or 4 over and over, once a month maybe at most. We don't feel she's missing anything, not being exposed to new media constantly, and she is plenty busy without it, so i don't think she even notices much. When she was younger I was pretty rigid about it, but my attitude has mellowed a lot. In general we don't comment much at all on TV or what we think about it, but dd knows we think that when people watch "too much" TV it's harmful.

Well, MIL reported to me today that she has witnessed an interesting reaction to TV by my dd at her house or at dd's cousin's house: when dd enters a room where the TV is on, she stands there covering her eyes (but peeking through her fingers) screeching that she's not allowed to watch it. MIL said she is always "almost hysterical" and that she has "terror" in her eyes - that her eyes are lured to the TV but she's trying not to look because (MIL and SIL think) she fears my rebuke/rejection/punishment and has internalized a system of self-deprecation for even having the desire.

First I asked if what the cousin was watching was violent or scary (he's 11 and not restricted much in his TV choices) b/c dd would definitely have a problem with that. She denied that - but did say she was watching the news while dd ate dinner alone on the other side of the room... hmmmm. So then I told MIL that I didn't know why this could be, but I have never made my dd feel bad or insulted anyone else for wanting to watch TV (that's why we don't have one - I am very aware that it is hard for mere humans to resist it!), nor do I make judgments about the integrity of people who watch TV. I admit I have made comments when near a TV (at my brother's house, for instance) that the content is crap, and there have been times I shooed dd away from the TV quick, causing her to be very frustrated and upset, and I think i probably was pretty neurotic about it.

Background: I am the weird mother in the family - from being vegetarians to restricting sugar in my child's diet to not hitting her (a cultural norm here), I am clearly a bizarre animal as far as MIL and extended family are concerned, and we are from different nationalities & cultures, which complicates things even more. I suggested to MIL that perhaps my dd has a challenge because we really are so "different" from other families around us, so maybe this is just her way of dealing with her emotions about it.

For another example, dd is now obsessed with candy, too, but I feel like she gets a lot of treats - usually one sweet thing a day -- which might be fresh watermelon, health food store gum, or full-on chocolate cake, depending on the day. Grandma and everybody else act like I am mean and deprive her, and they show their affection (and vy for it from her) in sweets, they load her up with sugar and then send her home for me to deal with. I am confused because can't tell if i think my dd is obsessed because I have denied her for a long time (which is what they think), or because everyone else makes her feel like my ways are unjust and she deserves bon bons all day.

I got nervous, thinking is grandma right? Is my dd going to be warped forever because I deny her too much of what everyone else is having?

So I pose the question: any opinions on our situation? And more importantly, how has it worked in your families, how have your kids digested the ways in which your family really diverges from the norms they see every day? My dd seems really concerned right now with fitting in. How do you make your "oddball" ways seem normal and help the kids feel like they are just regular kids when all signs from outside say they are not? Is there a moderate road to walk? How do I find it?

thanks!!!

[Piglet68]

Honestly? I think your MIL was completely exaggerating to reinforce the point that you are weird.

Unless you saw this for yourself, I'd take it with a huge grain of salt.

You could ask your DD casually to describe her reaction to the TV, but just the words your MIL used smack of ridiculous hyperbole.

[ja mama]

Piglet's response is exactly what I was thinking.

And to add that, I am an adult that grew up without a tv in our home, very restricted sugar intake, and almost a completely natural food diet. After I moved out on my own I ate a lot of white bread and cookies for a couple months (at most) then couldn't stand it anymore. I rarely watch tv, and have the best eating habits of anyone I know. I have a wicked sweet tooth, but have a lot more self control than any of my friends. You aren't going to warp your daughter, you are shaping her though. She will be happy with the outcome when she's older. So many people that grew up watching tv don't know how to be calm and relax without the tv.

[sphinx]

thank you both for your responses... yes, I have been aware for many years that MIL is quite exaggerative and I always expect the more urgent version of everything from her, but it still did get me thinking, because I have been seeing extreme behaviors in my child in regards to this stuff. I just wonder if other parents get the same reactions in their kids. I grew up much like you, Ja Mama (very little TV, very healthy family eating habits), and also reacted by eating badly for a time after high school -- but generally these things have been so normal for me all my life that I don't even think of myself and my habits as weird, but apparently others do. The culture here really shames you if you don't follow suit, it's all about what the neighbors think and social acceptance for kids is seen as really vital to their well being - which essentally means repressing your kid's true nature until they look and act like everyone else. ugh.