Should I try to help my unhappy DH change?

[Galatea]

My dh is so unhappy. He is worried about money since I quit my job to be a SAHM. He is bored and depressed b/c he never does anything but watch tv. His health is suffering b/c of all this.

Now, let me backtrack. He was not like this at all when we met. He was dynamic and fun and never watched tv or wandered around a mall. I feel like it is my fault that he has become this way, like marriage is killing his soul.

I did not mean the first paragraph as a criticism of him, b/c I love him more every day, and I truly mean that. I am writing b/c I am so worried about him.

Since I have had my ds and had to grapple with the decision to be a SAHM, I have really learned a few important things about life. I read some good books that really opened my eyes and made me think, like "Your Money or Your Life." I also had been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life over the past few years as I have been trying out various options and learning about myself and the world. I have really figured out my priorities in life and learned that a lot of the stuff I thought mattered (like being rich or beautiful) does not matter at all. [To those of you who realized this much younger, stop laughing!]

So I am probably confusing everyone by now. Basically, I feel like I have made huge strides in personal growth, but at the same time dh has made huge BACKWARDS strides in personal growth. Now I am happier than I have ever been but he is unhappier than he has ever been.

Part of the reason I was so attracted to him when we met was that he was a really bad teenager but had the presence of mind and maturity to change his life at age 19. It wowed me that he was so self-aware and -determinate, and I tried hard to emulate him.

Now it seems it is a zero-sum game and what I have gained, he has lost. It has really started to be a problem. We fight a lot b/c I am optimistic and he just wants to stay unhappy. It is really worrying me - what will happen to our marriage if we keep pulling in opposite directions?

Example: He brought home a long book on CD from the library. He proceeded to make copies of it. I said he should listen to it first and then copy it if he liked it, b/c he might never listen to it again and blank CDs are beyond our budget right now. He completely freaked out and lost his mind and swore at me that I was always picking at him and to leave him alone. He eventually apologized for being mean but then refused to hear me when I wanted to talk later.

So, to get back to the title of the post: I feel like I have all these ideas and solutions and ways of thinking that would really help him feel better. I KNOW if he killed the tv and did any little thing that he would feel so much better. I KNOW that if he spent a little time thinking about what his priorities were in life that he would be happy to save money and work on his inner self.

But every time I try to talk to him about this, even in a tangential and metaphorical way, he says "not tonight" or just tunes me out. Or it becomes a fight. I am so sad for him that I do not know what to do. So my question is this: can I help him, or is it like being an addict - you have to wait for him to come around on his own and I can't make him see it? I do not know what to do and am really sad.

[SpiralChrissy]

I can totally relate to what you're saying. It's hard, isn't it? My DH has struggled with depression for a long, long time. I wanted to help him so bad. I had a million and one suggestions. But, I couldn't "save" him: he really had to want to get better. He had to come around to his own way of thinking. It took a long time but he's finally getting it together. It's a big struggle but he's working on it. And I think he'll stick with it cause it was his idea. In my situation the best I could do was be supportive, listen and try to make small changes. I got him some Omega-3 Fatty Acids to help curb the depression. I suggested that we do some active things like hiking and bike riding cause I know exercise can lift mood. And I made sure that he had time to work thru his stuff on his own.
I know it's different for everyone so I'm not sure if this helps at all. Bless your heart, mama. I know it's hard but I'm so glad to hear that you're coming into your own out there. Good for you!

[Galatea]

Wow, I never really thought of it as depression. That is such a breakthrough you've shown me. I don't know what I was thinking, that he was wilfully sitting there unhappy. I guess that is sort of how I am, I think I can reason through everything, but I can't do that for him. He is just depressed. But I bet he would be mad if I said it to him like that.

How did you keep your spirits up when your dh was down?

[A&A]

Maybe it would make him happier if you could at least work part time and take some of the financial load off his shoulders.

[SpiralChrissy]

That's just my take on it. He sounds depressed from what you wrote. I think depression often manifests as either anger or inactivity in men. And I know men often resist the label of depression. Maybe you could talk to him about how to make his life more enjoyable or fun rather than using that charged word "depression"?
As for living with someone who's depressed, it's very hard to keep your spirits up sometimes. I'm an active person. I want to run and do all sorts of things. When my DH is at his most depressed, he doesn't want to do ANYTHING but sleep and hang out. Blah! I got a lot of support from my girlfriends. I've got a lot of wonderful friends with great, full lives. I was able to do a lot of things with them and draw from their joy. And I just don't take the depression personally anymore. Just cause he's depressed, it doesn't mean I have to be. I try to be a light for him so maybe my mood can pull him up instead of his mood pulling me down. And I got therapy to help me sort all that out

[singermom]

My DH suffers from depression as well. I see it as a part of our life that we have to live with and work through. DH takes medication, which I know is a touchy subject around here, but for us, it is a god-send. It provides a "floor" for his moods, and gives him something to work up from. It also smooths out some of the excess emotion and anxiety that goes along with depression.

SpiralChrissy is right (we've talked before--hi, friend! ), many men fight the label of depression. I've found that while that is sometimes because they are just being pig-headed about it, other times it is because they are so much in the thrall of the illness that they can't see past it. It took many years before my husband would actually admit that he had a problem with depression--we had a lot of arguments that just ended up with him saying "this is the way I am, I'm not going to change, live with me or don't."

You can help by supporting him however he likes to be supported, and noting his touchy points (they may change). I try not to force my DH to do things that will make him uncomfortable, but I don't coddle him, either--I try to encourage him to do things that I know will make him feel better, such as exercise, sing, go to church, get together with close friends, etc.

Good luck, and if you want to talk more, feel free.

Mia

[Piglet68]

I, too, immediately thought "depression". It may be hard for your DH to admit/recognize this, but other than slipping St. John's Wort into his morning coffee (the stuff worked wonders for me, btw)...

I do have one suggestion though...it might be beneficial to do some couples therapy. Now, if he's up to it, there's a system called Imago that my DH and I have used with wonderful results. Ideally, you'd go to an Imago Therapist, but you can buy the book and do it just the two of you. It's called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.

There are a list of exercises to do, and some of them are fun! Like the first one you write down your list of expectations from the marriage, then compare lists and see what you had in common, etc...with each exercise you learn something about your spouse. The book also teaches a way of communicating that allows for really effective communication and resolution of issues.

This won't directly address his depression, but it's a way of getting him to open up a bit, of talking about things that might help you and he gain some insight. You don't even have to tell him it's for "therapy" or "counselling" (my stepmum is an Imago Therapist and she always says it's better to perfect your communication skills BEFORE trouble starts...which is how DH and I got into it). You can just buy the book, read it, tell him you found it interesting, and ask him if he'd do the exercises with you "just for kicks"...Once you open the doors of communication, it's amazing the things that come out, the good that can happen.

[witch's mom]

Seven and a half years ago, during a couples counseling session in a residential (drug and alcohol) recovery program, I raged to the counselor that DH--then a relapse-prone alcoholic who spent his days lying around simply existing--wouldn't GET UP AND DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIMSELF. I was frustrated and furious, feeling totally alone with a 6-month-old baby, and full of ideas that if DH would just DO WHAT I SUGGESTED, he'd feel better. I said things like, "If it were up to me, this would've been solved a LONG time ago."

Problem was, it wasn't up to me. It was totally up to him. And not only did the counselor point that out, but she also blasted me for my deep misunderstanding of depression. Where I was viewing him as 250 pounds of dead weight, he also was viewing himself the same way. "He CAN'T drag himself out to AA meetings or out the door for a bike ride," she explained. "When someone is THIS depressed, there's no motivation to do it."

Three weeks later, he emerged from treatment a changed man, thanks to medication--an SSRI. I'll never forget the day he said, with a sparkle in his eye, "If this is what normal feels like, then life may not be so bad."

It doesn't sound like your DH has an addiction issue, but what you're describing sounds just like my DH before he cranked up his drinking--his attempt at feeling normal. Your DH sounds depressed. That inert, just-let-me-sit-here-and-exist mentality is the hallmark of depression. My DH, seven-and-a-half years sober, still has threads of this attitude. He's not on medication anymore--he stopped that after two years, and swears he feels fine. He still watches way too much TV, IMO, and goes on junk-food benders, and won't mobilize himself to find a job to replace the one he has that he hates, but I learned long ago that it's his battle. I've got my own issues to tackle. I love him and we're partners in raising our daughters and in life overall, but we're also very separate people. Once I quit worrying so much about what HE was doing, I felt a lot better about things myself.

But I will say this: Without counseling and intervention, my DH would be dead right now. That sounds dramatic, but it's absolutely true. I had to use my power in the relationship to get DH to agree to get help. Nagging and cajoling didn't do it. I had to make a statement that I was prepared to live with no matter what he decided to do: I told him to go get help or get out, that I was no longer willing to live this way. And in order to say that, I had to be very sure that I could manage without him. At that point, I already was managing without him. Sure, I needed his income to maintain our standard of living, but when faced with looking at him slumped on the couch night after night, our standard of living was looking grim enough that changing it didn't look so bad. Something needed to change.

It was a major turning point in our lives, and one that we celebrate every April. I urge you to do whatever you can do to motivate your DH to get some help, but beyond that, take care of yourself. His self-destruction is not your fault.

[asherah]

I hope I don't sound harsh here.. but I just want to point out something I see in your post that may be part of this dynamic.

There is something in it that comes off as "I have all the answers and know what's best and if DH would just listen to ME he'd be fine."

Now maybe you don't mean it that way.. but he might be HEARING it that way, and he might be resistant to it. It is one thing to be excited about all the things you are learning and feeling... it is quite another to tell someone else they should be feeling/doing the same thing.

We can't expect our partners to grow in the exact same way we do. We have to respect each-others' individual journeys.
Maybe he IS depressed, in which case he definitely does need help.

But it might help to ASK him what he is feeling, what his priorities are and want he wants.. rather than telling him what he should and shouldn't do.

Again, I am not trying to be mean, just making a suggestion.

[thistle]

I am not disagreeing with the idea that he is depressed, just trying to put it in a context.

Being the sole breadwinner is very stressful, especially when you aren't bringing in much bread. I have been it and now DH is. I think for men though, it is even worse b/c they have more of the societal pressure to be financially successful. When you say something like "we can't afford blank cd's" your DH can be translating that into "You are a failure, you can't support your family." If it were a Ferrari that would be different, but blank CDs are cheap.

My DH doesnt make much and we struggle, but I am the financial manager so I work with what I have and don't complain. I also try really hard not to be too controlling over the money. He is not wasteful, so if he wants to buy a book every so often I keep my mouth shut. $15 every 2-3 months for a book is cheaper than a divorce. I try to do the same for myself so I don't feel like a martyr either.

Your baby is still very young and your DH also has to adjust to a new lifestyle. Keep suggesting things you all can do as a family and maybe he will decide to come along. Ask him to think of something too.

Does he do baby chores? Maybe he is feeling displaced. From the beginning my DH has been the primary bath person. Yes, I could have done it, but it is important for him to be involved in the day to day operations of dd's life.

Something else I do alot is tell my husband explicitly how much I appreciate what he does and acknowledge that it isn't easy. My staying at home is a choice we both made together and we know it is best in the short and long run.

good luck