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Babies at a wedding.. Yay or Nay? - Page 6

post #101 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShannonCC
If I were the OP, I would have my dh go alone, *but* from what has been said, it sounds as if SIL does not think that's an option either. I think if this were a reasonable woman then the dh might not have a problem going. It sounds to me he is drawing a line in the sand after putting up with his sister for years. I think this is more than "do kids belong at weddings" yk?
I just read the OP and what she said was:

"have said that I will sit out during the ceremony in case he makes any noise, but thats not good enough. DS really doesnt even make much noise beyond what a typical baby does. She just plain doesnt want him there. My husband basically says if DS isnt invited, we're not coming."

and

"Well regardless I dont want any babies at my wedding" so my husband told her that if he isnt invited then she should forget our invitations as well. I then explained to her all the reasons why DS wont be in the way and how much we want to come but we want to bring him because he is so important to us. She wasnt hearing any of it and said that we are being selfish by insisting on bringing him. And that we "have" to come and find a sitter because we cant miss her wedding.

and

"I asked DH about this and he says that he wouldnt feel much like celebrating if he cant do it with the people he loves most. Asking him to leave any of us out is an unreasonable request, in his opinion."

It doesn't sound like dh has offered to go just him to the wedding. It is *fine* if he doesn't want to go to his sister's wedding if his child (and thus his wife) can't go, but you can't say that the sil is being unreasonable by being unhappy that her brother would come without his wife since that option hasn't been offered.

I do think the dh is being as stubborn as his sister. Just as SIL doesn't have to not invite the dc, DH doesn't have to insist that he only attends if dw and dc attend. If dh goes alone than both he and his sister would be a little unhappy (she doesn't have you at the wedding; he doesn't have you and his child at the wedding); two parties both being a little unhappy is the sign of a good comprimise.

Now, it does sounds like there is a history of bad treatment here, which makes all this more complicated than it needs to be. That is families though . . .
post #102 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
(quoting the origainal post) "And that we "have" to come and find a sitter because we cant miss her wedding.".
Just going by what you quoted here, doesn't this sound like she has demanded they both attend? That is what I got from her posts on this thread but then, I'm not taking notes :LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
It doesn't sound like dh has offered to go just him to the wedding. .
No, that's what I said *I* would do in that situation. I would absolutely 100% stand by my decision not to leave my baby but I would encourage my dh to go. That's just *me* though.
post #103 of 171
Quote:
I wonder if all you who are applauding the OP's husband for skipping this wedding would give the same advice to your own children? Would you encourage your son to stay with his wife and nine month old child or would you hope he'd be willing to give up one day with his wife and child to attend your daughter/his sister's wedding?
I would be ashamed if my daughter insisted that her brother and his wife attend without their infant. And I'd tell her so.

The pigheadedness I'm seeing here isn't in the childless wedding versus the nephew's attendence. It's in the bride's insistance that both attend Without their infant.

As has been stated and restated, it's an INVITATION, not a SUMMONS. How the family handles the arrangements and who from their family attends is up to THEM, not the bride. She can say "no children" but she cannot control how the parents handle that. When this one tried, she crossed the border into bridezillaland.

I'll grant that her brother is being stubborn too. Him going and his wife and child not is ...less than ideal... but doable. But that's been explained as not acceptable to this bride either. So even if he was willing to do this, she would Still not be happy.

Can you say "control freak"? I pity her poor husband-to-be. I hope he's watching, carefully....
post #104 of 171
[QUOTE=Meiri]
The pigheadedness I'm seeing here isn't in the childless wedding versus the nephew's attendence. It's in the bride's insistance that both attend Without their infant.

Him going and his wife and child not is ...less than ideal... but doable. But that's been explained as not acceptable to this bride either. So even if he was willing to do this, she would Still not be happy.

QUOTE]

Did I miss that post? I didn't see where the OP said that they offered the sil the comprimise of the dh coming alone. All I saw was we all come or none of us come . . .
post #105 of 171
Thread Starter 
Ok FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS SUGGESTED THAT DH GO WITHOUT ME..
There are new developments. A few days ago we were visiting MIL and SIL who were both acting extremely cold towards me and DS (im used to it but DS?) DS and I left MIL's house to go to a museum with an old friend from the area and her son. While I was gone DH and MIL, SIL got to talking about the wedding. DH as per many people on this message boards idea, suggested that he could come and me and DS would either stay home or stay in a hotel. MIL and SIL tagteamed him saying things like "thats probably best because Leah (me) probably shouldnt come anyway cnsidering all the problems she's caused with all this baby stuff" "Im kinda glad you brought that up. I dont really feel like Leah's part of the family anyway, know what I mean?" "I always thought it's odd how she carries that baby around everywhere like some kind of kangaroo or something, doesnt she realize how much that going to hurt his development?" "If she bought that ugly sling thing to my wedding I would die." DH said he sat there like this- then this . Then left and walked one mile to the museum.

Talk about trying to divide and conquer! Anyone STILL think we should go to this wedding???
post #106 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
Ok FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS SUGGESTED THAT DH GO WITHOUT ME..
There are new developments. A few days ago we were visiting MIL and SIL who were both acting extremely cold towards me and DS (im used to it but DS?) DS and I left MIL's house to go to a museum with an old friend from the area and her son. While I was gone DH and MIL, SIL got to talking about the wedding. DH as per many people on this message boards idea, suggested that he could come and me and DS would either stay home or stay in a hotel. MIL and SIL tagteamed him saying things like "thats probably best because Leah (me) probably shouldnt come anyway cnsidering all the problems she's caused with all this baby stuff" "Im kinda glad you brought that up. I dont really feel like Leah's part of the family anyway, know what I mean?" "I always thought it's odd how she carries that baby around everywhere like some kind of kangaroo or something, doesnt she realize how much that going to hurt his development?" "If she bought that ugly sling thing to my wedding I would die." DH said he sat there like this- then this . Then left and walked one mile to the museum.

Talk about trying to divide and conquer! Anyone STILL think we should go to this wedding???
Umm, the wedding is the least of your problems.

Sounds like dh may have to cut them out of his life, but that is a different thread. . .

I am sorry, it must have hurt your dh terribly to hear his mother say those things about you

Edited to add that it must have hurt you too - rejection even by people you don't respect still stings, so another
post #107 of 171

sebastian's mommy



I say time to cut out the toxic ils ...( and in reference to kincaids post No her wishes for her wedding are not selfish BUT dictating HOW her brother and family WILL do things HER way regarding CARE of their child IS along with her telling them to move the birthdate for HER who doesn't even really care..that IS selfish)

And the pp 'Bridezillaland" ROFL
post #108 of 171
Leah,

If I were your DH, that would be the last time I talked to my family. No way no how would I let anyone bad mouth my DH to me. Good for him for leaving.

Doreen
post #109 of 171
Quote:
Mamawanabe wrote:
Did I miss that post? I didn't see where the OP said that they offered the sil the comprimise of the dh coming alone. All I saw was we all come or none of us come . . .
Somewhere back in this thread I remember reading along those lines from Sebastian'smommy.

I see from her last post that my impression was correct in that they just plain want nothing to do with her, want her out of the family. I'd go so far as to say that they have a unhealthy attachment to her DH, their son and brother, because they are setting themselves up as competing with her for his attention and affection.

They have a problem. Now the question is do they see it and do something to solve it? or do they drive him away forever in their efforts to cling so tight?

As for being traditional, one of the traditional readings at a Christian wedding ceremony is the passage about a man leaving his mother and father and cleaving unto his wife. If they are tradtional in any but the appearance matters, I suggest they read and reread that passage and get some counselling. just MHO.
post #110 of 171
For a lark, I reread the thread. Here's where I got my impressions of the bridezilla situation. All these quotes are from Sebastiansmommy, the original poster, in order in which they appeared. Seeing them together clarifies the picture for me anyway.

Quote:
I guess I should clarify some stuff for everyone...
The whole thing started about 3 months ago when a cousin of my husband's was getting married (in texas and we're in FL) The invitation was even made out to us and our son! My husband couldnt go because he had too much work but I considered going with DS so the family out in Texas could meet him for the first time. I told my SIL and MIL about my plans and they told me it is totally inappropriate to bring a baby to a wedding. I told them that he is invited and they basically said that she probably invited him out of courtesy but didnt expect us to bring him (how ridiculous is that) I ended up not going at all...
Fast forward to now... my husband jokingly said to my SIL while she was making wedding plans "too bad Sebastian (Ds) isnt old enough to be a ring barer, maybe he could crawl to the alter!" instead of laughing she replied "Well regardless I dont want any babies at my wedding" so my husband told her that if he isnt invited then she should forget our invitations as well. I then explained to her all the reasons why DS wont be in the way and how much we want to come but we want to bring him because he is so important to us. She wasnt hearing any of it and said that we are being selfish by insisting on bringing him. And that we "have" to come and find a sitter because we cant miss her wedding.
Quote:
I think my SIL is extremely selfish and is all about me me me. I see no reason to accomodate her. Here are some other unreasonable requests she has made/demanded
When I was 9 months pregnant and on bedrest with pre-eclampsya she was graduating from her MBA program. My husband wanted to stay by my side since I was so miserable and helpless and he had attended her ungrad graduation the year before he figured it would be ok not to go to her 2nd graduation. SIL DEMANDED that he go knowing full well what the circumstances were. She called every 5 minutes crying and saying how this is so important to her and he is being a jerk for missing it. He finally gave in and went and I had an extremely hellish day.
Next story...
During an obgyn visit my doctor said I should be induced because of my pre-eclampsya, and a few other things (drop in heart rate, etc)... He told me to think about it and call him back and let him know if I wanted to be induced and if so what day that week..Later that day MIL and SIL were visiting and we told them the story. I am not kidding you here, but SIL said "Umm do you think you could do it next week because my boyfriend and I are going to the beach every day this week since it's so nice out" I am telling you she was not joking one bit! When my husband said that her request was ridiculous she sat there and pouted.
Quote:
I was thinking about the fact that so many people have said that she has "the right" to invite and not invite whoever she wants. But just because you have the right to do something doesnt make it right, kwim? Ds will be the only baby at the wedding(nobody else she knows or is related to has kids or babies) and he's not some screaming toddler running up and down the aisles. He is just a little baby who is pretty quiet and very sweet. There are plenty of instances where I had the right to make some sort of rule but i didnt because it would have been selfish. And she has been involved in some of those times. I really dont think its about DS at all, I think it's a matter of her needing to cause drama and be in charge which is totally her M.O.
As far as I can tell, this SIL and MIL think that marriage tears a family apart instead of adding to it or joining two families. Hardly the traditional view.....
post #111 of 171
actually her last post supports my reading that they would be satisfied with the comprimise of DH attending the wedding alone. Of course, they would be satisfied for all the wrong reasons (yes, unhealthy attachment to dh), reasons so wrong that they make the wedding question moot because the question now is not "are they wrong not to invite DS to the wedding" but "is my dh going to have to sever all contact with his childhood family"
post #112 of 171
Sebastian's Mom, what an awful woman! I must admit that I totally sympathized with her at first (I chose not to invite children to my wedding, would still prefer it that way, but in no way would have been offended if someone did not attend because they did not want to be separated from their child) but she has clearly demonstrated that this is not about trying to have the wedding she has dreamed of but instead is about trying to push you and your DS out of the picture!

Good for your DH for standing up to them. They do not have the right to ask for your accomodation when they are extended none of the same courtesy to you.
post #113 of 171
I can see that interpretation too Mamwanabe.

to him for standing up to them when they showed their true colors that day.
post #114 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
DH said he sat there like this- then this . Then left and walked one mile to the museum.
You married a good guy. No, a great guy.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, but at least your husband managed to survive his family and still come out with his head on straight.
post #115 of 171
My two (well, more like 99) cents:

- the OP's SIL is clearly 'round the bend nuts
- as is the OP's MIL
- Sounds like the baby's non-invite had less to do with the wedding than overall opinions about the OP and husband's parenting choices in general
- given everything we've learned, not only should the OP and family skip this particular shindig, but they'd be well served to rid themselves of these two if they can or at least keep contact to a minimum
- the SIL and MIL might be the husband's "family of origin" but that fact does nothing to mitigate the fact that they are clearly off their rockers where he and his [chosen] family are concerned. People routinely leave their "origins" to find better lives or a more hospitable personal environment, no reason it can't be done with people, too.

As for babies at weddings in general:

- categorizing the desire to not have babies at weddings as "WASPy nonsense" shows a lack of understanding of what exactly goes on at traditional English (i.e., the original WASP) weddings): kids as attendants, specifically bridesmaids. No kid weddings might be a lot of things, but WASPy they ain't. I am WASP by blood and upbringing and my wedding was more or less a no kid event - no one under the age of 16.
- Hosts and hostesses get to decide who is on an invite list. No one else. Full stop.
- No one "has" to attend any given function. You might be vulnerable to emotional blackmail, but that doesn't mean you "have" to go anywhere just because you're invited. And, if you're old enough to make up your own mind, you're old enough to take the heat about your decision
- I have been to weddings that, albeit not ruined by babies, have been adversely impacted. It's unfortunate that this is one area where the few completely rude and ignorant among us ruin the deal for everyone else. I had just become engaged when I attended one of the "ruined" weddings where mom didn't make any attempt to comfort, amuse or otherwise attend to the baby she carried. I felt so bad for the kid and for everyone else - he sounded hungry to me, but she just let him cry and cry - not only could many of us not hear the vows but the cries completely ruined the video (I don't care for video myself, but the bride in this case chose to have one and paid dearly for a tape with a soundtrack of an infant crying - the video people could only do so much with that kind of racket - churches are designed to have sound CARRY). At that moment I decided that if people couldn't be trusted to be kind under these circumstances I wasn't going to allow the opportunity to be otherwise. So those who are upset that their babes aren't invited have the insensitive and rude to thank for those brides' stances.
- I've also been to weddings where children have added an element that was truly joyful and enjoyed by all.
- In short: kids at weddings is a crap shoot not everyone chooses to take. Nothing wrong with bypassing that particular bet if you don't like your odds.
post #116 of 171
Sebastiansmommy (sorry if I spelt this wrong....I'm mak'ing)....

After reading your update this is all I have to say:


: : :


With family like that who needs enimas??

Holy Crap on a stick Batman. I cannot believe your MIL and SIL.

wow. Your DH is super duper wonderful. But I think going to the wedding is the least of your worries, I would be worrying about what would be more effective; blocking their calls or changing your number.
post #117 of 171
mammawannabe, I know I shouldn't be posting without having read all of the posts but I read your description at the top of page 6 as far as your baby not being invited to the wedding. I just wanted to at my 2 cents.

When it was my wedding my sister had my little nephew who I loved but had only seen once. What the issue was for me was not to not have him but for my sister to be a bridesmaid I wanted her to wear one of the dresses I had picked out (of course it was zipper up the back). She threw a fit about it b/c she was nursing 9 mo old nephew who I then promptly told her that she shouldn't even be nursing a baby "that" old, and let alone in public, "why couldn't (she) just use my private dressing room for heavens sakes" (). I said it more b/c she didn't seem supportive at the time by the way she went about it and was so hot headed. She ended up picking out a two piece blouse and skirt that matched everything but it was a sore memory.

I just say that b/c at the time I had no idea how attached I would become to my baby and that i would nurse him for 2 years, cosleep and become really akin to the AP philosophy. Who knew??

Your situation may be about something totally different as I gathered from some other comments but just bear in mind that who knows, maybe this same future in law may be gleaning ideas from you in a couple of years when they have children and just may very well understand why it was you wouldn't leave your baby behind for their ceremony or reception. Try to stay cool headed about it just in case. I'm *positive* that my sister never thought back then that I'd be in the like minded camp now.
post #118 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drewsmom
mammawannabe, I know I shouldn't be posting without having read all of the posts but I read your description at the top of page 6 as far as your baby not being invited to the wedding. I just wanted to at my 2 cents.

When it was my wedding my sister had my little nephew who I loved but had only seen once. What the issue was for me was not to not have him but for my sister to be a bridesmaid I wanted her to wear one of the dresses I had picked out (of course it was zipper up the back). She threw a fit about it b/c she was nursing 9 mo old nephew who I then promptly told her that she shouldn't even be nursing a baby "that" old, and let alone in public, "why couldn't (she) just use my private dressing room for heavens sakes" (). I said it more b/c she didn't seem supportive at the time by the way she went about it and was so hot headed. She ended up picking out a two piece blouse and skirt that matched everything but it was a sore memory.

I just say that b/c at the time I had no idea how attached I would become to my baby and that i would nurse him for 2 years, cosleep and become really akin to the AP philosophy. Who knew??

Your situation may be about something totally different as I gathered from some other comments but just bear in mind that who knows, maybe this same future in law may be gleaning ideas from you in a couple of years when they have children and just may very well understand why it was you wouldn't leave your baby behind for their ceremony or reception. Try to stay cool headed about it just in case. I'm *positive* that my sister never thought back then that I'd be in the like minded camp now.
Huh? Do you have me confused with another poster? I was quoting the original poster, perhaps you meant her message to be aimed at her (I'm babyless still )
post #119 of 171
I, too, am sorry you and your DH had to go through this, sebastiansmommy. I'm very proud of your DH for sticking up for you and your parenting beliefs. I'm afraid you will face some tough decisions about how to handle these people in your life in the future.

My father and his whole family are from Englad, true pasty-white Brits (I think they were probably protestant). does that mean they were WASP's? Well, alcohol has never been considered a reason to keep kids absent in my family, lol. We were drinking diluted wine and having sips of brandy out of souvenir thimble-mugs at a very early age, lol.
post #120 of 171
I guess I will be the lone dissenter here. I think your husband should go to his sister's wedding. You and the baby should stay home. His family of origin is also important and for this one event, it's not going to cause any harm to his parenting relationship with your son to be away. It will cause harm to his relationship with his sister and probably his parents.
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