or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Babies at a wedding.. Yay or Nay?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Babies at a wedding.. Yay or Nay? - Page 7

post #121 of 171
Lest this be forgotten
Quote:
And that we "have" to come and find a sitter because we cant miss her wedding.
The bride is demanding the presence of both her brother and his wife, though in the last update from Sebastian'smommy, MIL and bride voiced being okay with only him being there. Unfortunately they did so in the context of insulting the OP and their parenting decisions.

Why should this family worry about harming the relationship with his mother and sister when they obviously have no qualms about trying to drive wedges between him and his wife? How much poison do they have to take?
post #122 of 171
Oh dear. s s s

No one has teh right to insult your spouse to your face (or otherwise, IMHO) and then expect you to agree. I wonder what SIL would do if future BIL had this occur with his parents?

They clearly do not understand the sacred nature of a married relationship.

I'm so sorry. I thought previously that dh should go to that wedding b/c family of origin is SO UNBELIEVABLY IMPORTANT but nowhere near as important as the marriage. Dh does not need to support a mother and a sister who are outwardly insulting and rude to his wife and child. In fact, Dh going would be a capitulation to their views. Sigh.

I'm so sorry again that this is the family you have acquired through marriage. You deserve better. Wishing the best for you and yours,

P. s
post #123 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
Ok FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS SUGGESTED THAT DH GO WITHOUT ME..
. DH as per many people on this message boards idea, suggested that he could come and me and DS would either stay home or stay in a hotel. MIL and SIL tagteamed him saying things like "thats probably best because Leah (me) probably shouldnt come anyway cnsidering all the problems she's caused with all this baby stuff" "Im kinda glad you brought that up. I dont really feel like Leah's part of the family anyway, know what I mean?" "I always thought it's odd how she carries that baby around everywhere like some kind of kangaroo or something, doesnt she realize how much that going to hurt his development?" "If she bought that ugly sling thing to my wedding I would die."
Well, I was one of the many people who thought that your dh should go to the wedding without you. At this point, I can't imagine that he will decide to do that. I sure wouldn't. I don't think I would be able to maintain a relationship with my family if they decided that my husband and baby weren't part of our family. (Fat chance that would happen! They only want me around to see the baby!)

I also can't imagine that your SIL is going to be able to stay married. What she and your MIL said shows that they don't take marriage seriously as a transformative speech-act that makes people related. She also doesn't understand that a nephew is a member of her family! How confusing it's going to be for her to have a husband! What if she has a baby herself, is that baby a member of her family? After all, it's only a baby! It's all very nutty!

The classy thing for you to do, the way you win in this situation, is that you send a note with regrets and a very nice gift. These people are related to you and to your son, even though they don't understand why that is. You might even sign it in your own and your son's names.
post #124 of 171
Ok, I am editing...
I didn't see until a minute ago the part about not considering you a part of the family. At that point, DH and I would both probably not go, and would have some severe words with the family. They probably would not see my face, or my child's, for a long time.


Before editing, I wrote...
This has become a huge thread, and I didn't read every single response, so maybe someone has already had this opion. I realize I am in a minority here, but no way would I take my kids to a wedding. I have a 3yo and a 15 mo old and I would not have taken them at any age past newborn (under 6 mos or so) to a wedding. I wanted to say no babies at our wedding, but knew it would cause too severe upset to DH's family, so I didn't. Plus we included lots of kids in the ceremony as ring bearers, candle lighters, flower girls so it would have been impossible to only include some children, not all.

My choice would be to send DH and stay home happily myself with the kids, or bring a friend or sitter to sit in a nearby location together. I am an attached, breastfeeding mom, but I really consider a wedding to be a Bride's day and for the most part to be a grown up event.
post #125 of 171
I didn't see the part about them not considering you or the baby part of the family. In that case, screw them.
post #126 of 171
Wow. What ugly people. This must be really painful. I have thought a lot lately about what obligations one has to one's in-law family--how much obnoxius/subversively hostile stuff you're supposed to overlook. I have told my husband I am through with his family after 20 years for things that have evolved since my daughter was born, but they have never done or said anything nearly as blatant as what you and your husband experienced. Unfortunately, cutting them off does not make the anger and pain go away, but these two women sound like they would really be toxic toward your child. I am sure your ways of parenting are somehow threatening to them (the mother/daughter combo can be incredibly potent against a SIL who does things differently-- it's not even rational, it's purely emotional). This is not something that will go away easily and will probably evolve over time, but you and your husband sound like you have a really strong relationship and he has taken the right stand for his own family. Buuuut, wouldn't it be funny if your husband showed up alone with the baby in a sling? Ok, I just had to get that out.
post #127 of 171
if it was not a close family member, I would say don't go.

but, since it is his sister.

i think maybe you should stay home with the baby and your husband should go to his sister's wedding.

he should go to the reception for a short time, and leave early. stating "i have a family at home and i can't stay long".

but, i think he has to go. since it is family.

ps.
i understand her not wanting babies there, i'd not want babies at my wedding either, but i am nowhere near brave enough to ask...so... i think it is amazing she had the guts to speak up.
post #128 of 171
Wow! I just read through all seven pages of this thread! And I should have taken notes because I had so many things I wanted to comment on and now I forget most of them....

Sounds like your SIL is pretty immature to say the least. Hopefully she will improve with time. Don't know what to say about MIL....

You obviously have married into quite a family. Your dh seems to be squarely on your side though so you will be fine.

But on weddings and babies IN GENERAL (not in this specific case) - I have been to weddings ruined by idiot parents who allowed their baby or toddler to cry or otherwise make noise during the ceremony. I am always shocked and horrified when it happens. I am unable to understand how people could have different opinions on this - it is someone's WEDDING - they are vowing their lives to one another! A little respectful silence is appropriate. If you bring a child to the wedding - which I try to avoid unless the bride/groom specifically ask me to bring them - you sit in the back, on an aisle, near the door, with binky at the ready (don't know about you but my kids made noise when they nursed sometimes - either slurpy or mmmm noises which of course are darling and sweet TO ME, IN MY LIVING ROOM, not at someone else's wedding ceremony.

And with your unfortunate in-law situation not withstanding (am I using that correctly....), I do find it sad that someone would not lump his mother and sister in the group of people he loves most. I am starting to understand why after reading all the details but again in general, it is just sad. I think that being there for a sibling, on their special day, takes easy precedence over being with a spouse and child on a day which is not a special day to them. Deciding between the sibling's wedding and the child's birth - of course birth! But deciding between the sibling's wedding and... what? Hanging out in the family room? I think the SIL is obviously being rude and immature - maybe she will grow up someday. She is your child's aunt - and the future mother of his cousins. For your child's sake, (well, maybe not in your specific family....) I would do the best I could to please - all 3 of you go, dh goes to wedding while you hang outside or nearby hotel or what have you, all three go to reception if ok with bride/groom. If not then just dh go alone. I really feel the need to reiterate that this is my opinion in general for these type circumstances, not with the OP's nutty ILs.

At the end of this month, we are driving two hours (each way) to my cousin's wedding. We got the invite addressed to me and dh. Note inside (typed along with the directions) requested no kids. Fine. Harder for me to pull off - yes. Am I mad, offended, defensive that she thinks my kids are somehow less than wonderful - no. They are invited to the reception but since I'm not comfortable leaving them with the sitters the bride/groom arranged (never met them - different location than the ceremony) AND I want to take the kids to the reception to see the extended family that will be there, we are all five going but dh will take the kids out for a drive or what have you while I am at the ceremony then we'll all go to the reception. If it was friend's or coworkers or someone who didn't necessarily want/need to see my kids, I would leave them with a sitter at my house. My kids are 8, 4 and 1 but any age but younger than 3 or 4 months I think I'd feel the same - and I nursed.

Oh, remembered one final comment (I promise!) A good friend of mine was a bridesmaid at another friend's wedding when her dd2 was a few weeks old - yes, I said weeks! Out of town wedding, big fancy strapless gown, nightmare huh? But she is a lovely person and they were and still are great friends and because she loves her, she did what she had to do to participate on that special day. Her dh held the baby, I ran back and forth with her to the dressing room between photos and immediately before and after ceremony to help her nurse the baby - I'd unzip the dress while she held baby, I'd hold baby while she sat down with dress around her waist and bra off (not a lot of nursing strapless bras....) with a towel to keep the other breast from leaking on her dress! We died laughing the entire time. It was not easy (and still to this day we laugh when we look at the pix because she always says that each breast is bigger than her own head) but it was the friend's special day and my friend was the bigger person and let it be about HER, not the inconvenience/juggling it took for her to be there.

Going to stop because I'm sure this computer won't allow a post any longer than this!!!!!
post #129 of 171
You have a good guy in your DH. I'm sorry his mom and sister are so horrible, though, and I agree with those who have said that it is probably time to seriously consider cutting them out of your lives permanently. I definitely wouldn't be going to the wedding.

As far as babies at weddings go, I haven't ever understood why anyone would want a child-free wedding. I know that at my wedding, there were lots of babies and children, and they only added to the magic of the day. Fortunately, we never faced a situation like yours while DD was little. In your situation (before the comment about you and your DC not being part of the family) I would have sent DH alone, or declined (depending on how much of an issue SIL had made the no-kids thing. If she'd been nasty about it, we would definitely just decline to attend.) In light of her feelings about you, though, I would definitely not send DH, and I would consider attending to be agreeing with SIL and MIL that you weren't an important part of the family. While extended family is important, and I love mine dearly, my loyalty is first to DH and DD, and DH's loyalty is first to DD and I. If someone insults DH or says he's not part of *our* family, you'd better believe I'm going to stick up for DH, affirm that my relationship with him is the MOST important relationship in my life, and make sure they understand that bad-mouthing him is NOT acceptable.
post #130 of 171

sebastian's mommy

any more new developments? Has the wedding been and gone yet?
post #131 of 171
Thread Starter 
No wedding yet. It is in October. At this point we (us and the ILs) arent speaking. We're not going to the wedding and we're keeping their chaos out of our lives for now.
post #132 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
No wedding yet. It is in October. At this point we (us and the ILs) arent speaking. We're not going to the wedding and we're keeping their chaos out of our lives for now.
Leah

I have recently cut out the most toxic members of my family, and it was very hard at first. But, honestly, I have never felt better. I deserve to be happy.

Lots of love to your family,
amy
post #133 of 171

yay good for you

I haven't heard back from my relative since I replied to their email. I did tell them I would be writing snail mail later and I intend to ..
I just can't decide whether to do it now or wait until Mercury comes out of retrograde since it fries communication.....
post #134 of 171

baby at wedding

My fiance and I are planning our wedding and the NO CHILDREN rule applies to family and friends. Here is my reason, it's our wedding its our day and if we don't want to even take a chance at hearing your child cry thats our choice. It would be horrifiying if while we are walking down the aile someone's baby decided to start fussing! We are in a simmilar situation my niece will be only 5 monthes old at the time of the wedding and family is flamming mad but my finace and I don't really care. We have suggested that our future niece spent time with her grandparents on the other side for a few hours that day. How hard is that? Maybe you should look into that or a close friend, even if you just went to the ceremony and left her with a good friend for an hour or so. Or your husband can go and you can stay home. (sorry if that sounds harsh but you know what I mean).
AMC
post #135 of 171
kickchick -- have you READ this entire thread? Or at least all the updates from the OP? Have you ever experienced how often a 5 month old needs to nurse? Perhaps you could help your family by offering that your niece come to the reception only &/or only one of the baby's parents attends the actual ceremony. You are certainly entitled to your day, but remember that your sibling (or sibling-in-law) is entitled to not attend and should not be made to feel guilty about that.
post #136 of 171
I think your SIL is acting like Bridzilla and to your dh for refusing to go w/o ds.

I refused to attend my cousins wedding because she also had a "no kids" policy (she likes to be the center of attention) and our dd was about 8/9 at the time and it was an out of town wedding. Sorry, I'm not driving 5 hours to attend her wedding (we aren't close at all) and have my dd not welcome and be expected to leave her with strangers since everyone we knew would be attending the wedding. That's nuts, IMO.
post #137 of 171
Quote It would be horrifiying if while we are walking down the aile someone's baby decided to start fussing!



You've got to be kidding me. I'll grant you that it isn't the most desireable situation, but I'd call being stood up at the altar horrifying, not a fussing child.
post #138 of 171
I have to add, that during my wedding, my (2 year old niece) flower girl ran up & down the aisle multiple times (during the ceremony), and eventually her mother (one of the bridesmaids) had to take her over to her dh who was sitting in the front row. I never noticed any of that -- nor did her quiet giggles/noises come through on the video.

A couple of the guests commented about it (it obviously bothered them), and when I said I didn't notice, they were quite surprised (and disappointed??) -- but that didn't matter, because like you say -- it's all about what the bride & groom want -- and I can't imagine a day without ALL of my family & friends present. In truth, I'd like to have skipped inviting some of they kids' parents & just invited the kids... :LOL
post #139 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamonamon
kickchick -- have you READ this entire thread? Or at least all the updates from the OP? Have you ever experienced how often a 5 month old needs to nurse? Perhaps you could help your family by offering that your niece come to the reception only &/or only one of the baby's parents attends the actual ceremony. You are certainly entitled to your day, but remember that your sibling (or sibling-in-law) is entitled to not attend and should not be made to feel guilty about that.
post #140 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
No wedding yet. It is in October. At this point we (us and the ILs) arent speaking. We're not going to the wedding and we're keeping their chaos out of our lives for now.
to you and your dh....

Sometimes it is best to cut out the more toxic members of our families.

I hope you continue to find a calm and peace in your life without the choas surrounding some 'family' members.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Babies at a wedding.. Yay or Nay?