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Babies at a wedding.. Yay or Nay? - Page 4

post #61 of 171
To the OP - have you reminded this selfish woman how you accomodated her own *much more unreasonable request/demand* for YOUR wedding? The old eye for an eye....
post #62 of 171
I haven't read ALL the responses, but the whole "no kids at our wedding" thing really bothers me. I guess it's not wrong of the bride to have those feelings, but as a mom AND someone who has always valued children as integral parts of the family, I think kids (babies, toddlers, and right on up) absolutely should be included at weddings. My philosophy at our wedding (which happened before I became a mom) was that it would feel empty without the children in our family there. Again, although the bride does have every right to set her own rules for attendance, I'm having trouble viewing this from an unbiased perspective and agreeing with her.

I guess if I were in the same situation and tried to no avail to negotiate a way for my child to be able to attend, I would probably not go at all. I feel the same way you do about sitters. The only people I do trust DS with are my mom and grandma, and in a case like yours, they would not be available. NO WAY in heck would I leave my kid with a hired babysitter.

BTW, I think it's wonderful of your DH to be defending your baby.
post #63 of 171
So how far would you go in compromising your principles and values for the sake of "keeping the peace"? Would you give your exclusively-breastfed baby a bottle of formula if it meant "keeping the peace"? Would you feed your 3 month old cereal if it meant "keeping the peace"? I sure wouldn't. And I sure wouldn't ever leave my baby with some unknown quantity (unknown to the child as well) just to "keep the peace", b/c that is a very important part of my parenting and not something "negotiable" for a family wedding with a bunch of selfish adults who cannot respect the OP's parenting principles.
Piglet - since you quoted me I just felt the need to reply. I was the one who said they would do 'it' to keep the peace - and my suggestion was not to compromise their principles and values. I think you are jumping on my statement for no reason. I was the one who suggested they both attend the wedding and just take turns watching DS in the hotel room. This way the 'family' can be happy they attended and they do NOT leave DS with a sitter. I don't think that is a big deal, and like I said if MIL and SIL are the type to keep a grudge like it sounds they are, *I* (not necessarly anyone else or the OP) would rather do that then live with their b**ching the rest of my life.
post #64 of 171
post #65 of 171
It would be rude to ask the couple to include your child. They specified no kids, so that means no kids.

If they are paying for their wedding (as most couples do these days) it is likely that the caterer will charge them full price for kids' meals. That means a kid will take two bites of a $40.00 meal and the food will go to waste. The kids' parents won't care because they aren't paying for it.

This happened to my sister (who is a child psychologist) who had a rather lavish and expensive wedding. She specified 'no kids' on her invitations, only to have a few parents ignore the request.

Two free-range children nearly ruined her wedding ceremony. Her brothers-in-law had to coral the children into a seperate room in the church to keep them from drowning out the pastor's voice as he performed the ceremony. The parents of the kids thought the whole thing was 'cute.' Nobody else thought it was cute.

The story doesn't end there. At the reception, the parents started making specific food demands for their (uninvited) children. My sister ordered the waitstaff to direct them to the nearest McDonalds!!! I was so proud of her!

She now has kids of her own and would never think of inflicting the same hell on my wedding or anyone elses.
post #66 of 171
I would have to agree with the majority of women here and say not to go. Your SIL sounds like a completely selfish bitch - from asking you to invite strangers to your wedding, to asking to delay your child's birth so she could go to the beach, to saying you and your DH 'have' to come to the wedding. Why go out of your way to someone who obviously have no respect for you??

I don't leave my kids with sitters. They are 3 and 14 months. I have left them with my sister and my parents, that's it. I won't leave them with my in-laws, and I certainly won't leave them with strangers. Not everyone feels the same way, you don't have to apologize about it.

She's trying to control you, I'd stop her in her tracks now. I'd politely decline the invitation, send a small gift wishing her and her fiance well, and wait for the hell to break loose. And I would not, under any circumstances, explain yourself or defend yourself in any great detail. It's impossible to explain attachment parenting to people who don't care. I'd simply say, to either MIL or SIL, "We're not comfortable leaving our child. We're so sorry to miss the wedding and can't wait to see the video." If they say you have to come, blah, blah, blah, just say, kindly, "I'm afraid that will be impossible." Honestly, what kind of relationship are you going to have with these people in the future?? Don't bend for them, or compromise your principles for people you're not going to be close to anyway.

Just because she's your husbands sister does not mean you'll be close. It's great when our family members are people we would choose to be with, but sometimes our family members are our worst enemy. Having a relationship genetically doesn't guarantee closeness, shared ideals, or understanding. It's too bad, but it's the way it is. You need to surriound yourself with people who have similar values and who care about you, not just themselves. These are the people you will go out of your way for, because they will do it for you.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're going to have such strife in the family. At 9 months my daughter was still nursing around the clock, and although she ate cheerios, etc.,. would not take a bottle or a cup. I wouldn't have left her to go to a bookstore, never mind 4 hours away.

Take care!!!
post #67 of 171
Your SIL sounds like a spoiled brat. I wouldn't go. Kudos to your DH for standing up for your familial beliefs.
post #68 of 171
graceoc: I should have emphasized that I was using "you" in the general term...I chose to quote you b/c you sort of summed up what I felt others were trying to say, and I just wanted to emphasize the point that all of here have somewhat different principles when it comes to parenting, and that no matter what they are, they should be respected. Sorry if it seemed like I was pointing a finger at you!

And while I think kids are nice to have at weddings, just wanted to say that I have no problem with people not inviting kids to weddings. It's their day, they should have it the way they want it. But it sure isn't fair to freak out on someone who declines the invite b/c they have young babies at home...when someone decides to have a "no kids" wedding, presumably they understand that this will leave out some family members, and they should be okay with that.
post #69 of 171

ITA Piglet

But it sure isn't fair to freak out on someone who declines the invite b/c they have young babies at home...when someone decides to have a "no kids" wedding, presumably they understand that this will leave out some family members, and they should be okay with that."

And I agree with someone above -I mean asking her to put off her labor because she and bf are going to the beach ?? wth is that? and ita with the person who said genetic ties don't mean a closeness and some relatives are he**. That is why the toxic series sells so well ....

And a lot of us here DID ( hello did you read it ALL or skim?) that the bride has the right to have her wedding as she wishes it to be it is her day but the demands she is making on her brother are waay out of line.
post #70 of 171
All I have to say is this is why we eloped. If I had it to do over, I'd do it again. Weddings are just a big headache that make everyone mad.
post #71 of 171
Originally Posted by pageta
All I have to say is this is why we eloped. If I had it to do over, I'd do it again. Weddings are just a big headache that make everyone mad.
Except our elopment made dh's mom and siblings, who wanted a wedding, mad. . .

Ain't no winning.
post #72 of 171

I have been in this position...

...and it's awful.

My brother was engaged when I got pregnant, and when we called to give him and his fiance our good news, they were pleased for about two days, until they called and asked us if we'd like them to arrange for a sitter for that weekend (the wedding was a 7 hour drive from us). I was 5 months pregnant. I said I didn't think I'd need a sitter; the baby would be at most 3 weeks old and I would likely just carry him/her the whole time, being sure to stand near the back during the ceremony so that the tiniest peep could be quickly ushered out of the sanctuary. I even offered to have my MIL, who was invited to the wedding, stay completely outside the synagogue with the baby during the ceremony, so that even the initial newborn squirmy hamster sounds wouldn't be heard.

That wasn't enough for them. They wanted no baby at the ceremony, the reception, the prenuptial dinner, and the pre-wedding photo session. The baby could not even be in the lobby of any of those places because, in the words of the bride to be, "I am not going to compete with a baby!"

We were devastated, but weak. We found a postpartum doula in the town where the wedding would take place and planned for me to run back and forth between the hotel room (where doula and baby would stay) and the wedding all night, even rented an additional room in the hotel where the prenuptial dinner would be so that our baby could be close by. My brother and SIL-to-be issued blow after blow, even kicking me out of the wedding party because I insisted that I would not wait 2 hours between visits to my child just because SIL2B heard that's how often babies nurse, and more frequent exits from the head table would be "distracting." The baby was "allowed" in public only the morning after their wedding, at brunch. The months approaching the wedding were a terrible time for my family. My parents were furious with my brother but felt they couldn't say anything. DH and I were terribly sad, and worried about being brand new parents under such circumstances. The phone calls from my brother and SIL2B got uglier every week. My blood pressure climbed dangerously high as a result of all the stress, and I honestly believe my labor and delivery were compromised in part by the terrible family politics.

As you can imagine, the wedding weekend was brutal. The long drive with a newborn, the constant nursing, the running back and forth, the feeling secretive, etc., was compounded by my brother and SIL doing nothing to help make it easier. While I was nursing the baby, my place at the table for the reception was given to SIL's grandfather's nurse, and I had to sit on a stool to eat my dinner. During the reception, SIL's grandmother asked me where my baby was, and when I told her the baby was upstairs in the room with a sitter, she said she couldn't believe I would leave such a new baby with someone else. Obviously, she didn't know her granddaughter very well. It was a nightmare.

13 months later, my brother and SIL were divorced. My brother called me, crying, regretting how horribly we were treated.

So, looking back, we made a mistake. Even if their marriage had lasted, we made a mistake. We should not have gone. We should have put our daughter first. We regret having gone to this wedding and having begun our daughter's life in such a negatively charged environment. I would recommend that you do not attend this wedding, either of you. I think you will regret the hassle involved, resent those who imposed it on you, and feel guilty for having participated. That's how we felt.

Given the chance to do it again, we would NOT attend. I would have gone back to that first day when they told me the baby was not invited, and I would have said, "ok, I understand. Thanks for being up front." Then I would have politely bowed out of the wedding party and told them we didn't feel comfortable making the trip that soon after our child's birth if we were going to be separated from the baby for so much of the weekend. No judgements, no arguing, just simple and firm. I would have sent not just a wedding gift, but a beautiful bouquet of flowers and wine to their room on their wedding night, since I'd be spared the cost of travel and hotel room by not going. Attached would have been a card that congratulated them, expressed regret at not being there to share it with them, and inviting them to visit as soon as they could. I'd have signed it from all three of us, and left it at that.

It would have caused some bad blood, but there ended up being bad blood anyway, and at least this way, I'd still have my dignity. I'm ashamed at the way I behaved as a new mother. I wouldn't do it again.

Just my two cents. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
post #73 of 171
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
I asked DH about this and he says that he wouldnt feel much like celebrating if he cant do it with the people he loves most...
I'm sorry to hear that his family of origin are not among the people he loves most. I was under the mistaken assumption that he wanted to maintain a relationship with his sister. This is her and her finances special day. If he sees nothing to celebrate about that, then why even have the discussion or start this thread?

Personally, I have attended family events (funerals, weddings, etc.) by myself and so has my husband while the other one stays home to care for our child. Not every event is appropriate for a child. In our marriage, we'd rather send one representative, to honor our families of origin, rather than spend an extra day together. With the exception of military deployments, we've been together nearly everyday of our marriage. The days we were apart to meet extended family obligations were well worth it, in my opinion. I don't want my son to grow up thinking family is only the three of us or that family obligations are only things you meet if it's easy or exactly the way you want it.

Originally Posted by Piglet68
...Frankly, I'm pretty shocked at people who are suggesting that something so important to you as a family (ie. not leaving your young baby) should be just "put aside" for the sake of a SIL who obviously has no respect for your feelings and is being completely selfish. How dare she set limits and then demand that you come? ...
Frankly, I'm pretty shocked that you, of all people, are so hellbent on misrepresenting what other's have said. Usually you are a lot more fair than that.

People have suggested bringing a friend or relative along that the baby would be comfortable with, the husband attending alone or the op and her husband switching off childcare during the wedding. So, you jump from that to giving an exclusively-breastfed baby a bottle of formula or feeding a 3 month old cereal??? I wonder what you hope to accomplish by suggesting that the thoughtful ideas others have suggested here are anaologous to such inflamatory ideas?

There are ways for the OPs family to be represented at this wedding that will in no way compromise how they care for their child (Unless the father is the one breastfeeding.) I'm trying to understand how one day apart is worse than the lifetime of bad feelings they will be creating by the OP's husband missing his sister's (not a friend, co-worker, cousin or even SIL) wedding.
post #74 of 171

but it is ok the bad feelings the sil caused

over their wedding and their birth???
post #75 of 171
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by pugmadmama
I'm sorry to hear that his family of origin are not among the people he loves most. I was under the mistaken assumption that he wanted to maintain a relationship with his sister. This is her and her finances special day. If he sees nothing to celebrate about that, then why even have the discussion or start this thread?
My husband doesnt really feel close to his mother and sister. He basically just visits them out of a sense of obligation and because they are really good at trying to make him feel guilty. (his father died when he was 15 and they have always told him that he is the new man of the family and can never leave them).

I agree with the people who said that just because you are related to someone doesnt mean you have to be feel close to them. My inlaws are definitely what you would call toxic, maybe even abusive.

I should also add that the whole hotel room husband/wife swap thing wouldnt really work. The wedding is going to be a place that is far from everything and we cannot afford a hotel room anyway. We can barely afford the gas to drive down there. We were planning on staying at MIL's house if we go at all.

I guess I should just ask her what would be worse-if we come and bring the baby or dont go at all, because those are her options. Gosh Im bringing a sweet little baby, not Charles Manson!

I started this thread because I wanted to know what other people's opinions are on babies at weddings, which is why the title is "Babies at Weddings, yay or nay?" I just wanted to see if I'm alone in the way I feel.
post #76 of 171
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy

I started this thread because I wanted to know what other people's opinions are on babies at weddings, which is why the title is "Babies at Weddings, yay or nay?" I just wanted to see if I'm alone in the way I feel.
Well, honestly, I am happy there were no want babies or kids at my wedding. I had three people there, and one of them is a mom with a sweet, precoious, three year old who I love to death but who needs a lot of attention and needs this attention constantly. Of course I encouraged her to bring him (and it would have been great to have him with us the rest of the trip), but when she decided to leave him with her mother, I was a little relieved. I wanted a very quiet, private elopment ceremony. It wasn't a family or communal celebration - it was me and dh making a private commitment in front of one of our best friends and my brother. It was an emotionally intense ceremony in a privaet hotel room, and I can't imagine that that note of sweet intensity would have been sustained if we had a charming little boy's constant refrain of "hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, i'm supper kitty; hey mom hey mom, hey mom, when are we going" running in the back/foreground.

Now I LOVE my wedding and can't imagine it differently; maybe if my friend had brought her son I would be unable to imagine THAT ceremony having happened in a more perfect way. But no, I don't think babies belong at ALL weddings. Babies belong at ALL weddings in which marrying couple want them there . . .
post #77 of 171

s to you sebastiansmommy. THat sounds like a tough problem that is going to take a lot of energy and discussion to work out.

THere have been a lot of good thoughts posted. I'm sorry that your SIL and MIL are not as kind to you as they should be. It sounds like your dh did not receive the kind of parenting that we all hope to provide to our children--but remember that your SIL didn't either. Perhaps she's clinging to him because he is the only one who really understands her and who has known her from the beginning? I hope that someday, they will realize the error of their ways and become like a real family to you and to your child.

I also hope that my own son will never declare to someone that I am not among the people he loves the most. I hope your son will not say this of you someday either.

Although I don't get along well with my MIL, I treat her the way I hope my son's wife will treat me some day (that is, if he turns out to be straight--LOL). It takes a lot of emotional strength but I try my best to be a good person and not take the low road. I vent often to my dh but try my best to suck it up and deal.

Our children will see how WE treat others and how generous we are to others, even when those people are not generous to us. We are the models that they learn from, even when we think they are not watching, and even when they are infants.

Just another story--my dh and I had a lovely, outdoor wedding with lots of babies and children. The kind of wedding I wanted was facilitated by having the kids there, even though many of the parents had loud and long "discipline" discussions with them in the middle of the ceremony. I'm quite a fan of GD, but NOT in the middle of my wedding ceremony. One was so loud that our officiant had to stop in order for the others to hear.

Now that I'm a breastfeeding mom, I do understand your unwillingness to leave your child; however, having had a wedding that was disrupted by some toddlers and preschoolers, I do understand a no-kids rule.

Geez, it's hard to be an adult, eh? I wish you luck and send you lots of good thoughts in this process.

post #78 of 171
This strikes such a nerve with me because when a close friend got married when DS was 9 mos (same age as yours!), I bowed to social expectations and was in the wedding as a bridesmaid and my husband stayed in the hotel room with DS and unsuccessfully tried to give him bottled breastmilk. The whole thing was a fiasco, I was livid at my friend in the end and DH was pretty upset with me for putting friends before family. I am still bitter with my friend which is obviously stressful and she still doesn't understand why the whole thing was such a disaster for me. I desperately wish that I had not gone to her wedding. I think that your DH's attitude is awesome and you should revel in his support and stay home with your beautiful baby.
post #79 of 171
Originally Posted by sebastiansmommy
... I started this thread because I wanted to know what other people's opinions are on babies at weddings, which is why the title is "Babies at Weddings, yay or nay?" I just wanted to see if I'm alone in the way I feel.
If your husband is already not close to his mother and sister and he's not concerned about damaging the relationship further, then what is the problem? All the mothers on MDC could agree that babies should be allowed at weddings, that's not going to change your situation.

Your sister-in-law does not want babies at her wedding. That's the only opinion that matters in this case. Your husband has decided that if his baby isn't invited, he's not going. He could drive down and stay with his mother for the night (as far as I can tell, that would not effect your baby at all and you haven't stated otherwise) But he doesn't want to do that. He's taken a stand that it's all three of you or none of you. Fine, that's his right. His missing the wedding will hurt his sister and strain their already troubled relationship. That's what you need to deal with, not take opinion polls on whether or not babies should be at weddings because, really, who cares?

My husband's brother missed our wedding because he was killed in an accident two months prior. I think that's why I keep coming back to this thread. I wonder if your husband would find away to spend the day with his sister if she was in the ICU? Maybe not. Maybe they are really that disconnected from each other.

I'm just baffled that in the face of so much potential family discord, your concern is what women on a internet bb think of babies at a wedding.
post #80 of 171
Thread Starter 
I was thinking about the fact that so many people have said that she has "the right" to invite and not invite whoever she wants. But just because you have the right to do something doesnt make it right, kwim? Ds will be the only baby at the wedding(nobody else she knows or is related to has kids or babies) and he's not some screaming toddler running up and down the aisles. He is just a little baby who is pretty quiet and very sweet. There are plenty of instances where I had the right to make some sort of rule but i didnt because it would have been selfish. And she has been involved in some of those times. I really dont think its about DS at all, I think it's a matter of her needing to cause drama and be in charge which is totally her M.O.
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