ooohhhhh, this brings back some memories. We actually lost a friend over this issue (granted there was a lot else going on, but it was the last in a series of straws that sent us over the edge).
I had a newborn who would be 8 weeks old at the time of the wedding, dh was in the wedding, his best friend of years asked us not to bring the baby. I was livid, but a new mom and still unable to express sufficiently why it bothered me and said I just wouldn't go to the wedding. Somehow, this wasn't acceptable. (They made the same request of my SIL and BIL with their 2 week old, who was actually born early, so when they asked this, she should've been only days old). I kept saying, "you don't want babies at the wedding, fine. that means I can't go." I didn't try to talk them into letting me bring dd, I didn't call them names (to their face
, does to dh count?). Finally, dh's friend's fiance got on the phone and proceeded to call me names and tell me how selfish I was being by refusing to go to the wedding. I kept thinking, "I'm trying
to do what they want, why won't they let me?" Never said that though, should've. That was a crappy conversation, ended up hanging up on her.
This was the best man at our wedding and now we aren't friends at all. so sad.
In the end, he told us to come with the babies (my niece and dd), but we were the exception and he would hold it against us forever. So, we sat in the last pew, holding our sleeping babes in slings, super aware of every newborn mewing that our babies never made, while person after person (who apparently hadn't been told not to bring their kids or at least hadn't asked about it) carried their crying babies in those carseats and 2 year olds ran around, fuming about how horrible we'd been made to feel.
We left the reception after dinner when it was announced that there was no smoking on the dance floor, but the rest of the room was fine, and we realized nearly the entire room was about to start chain smoking. They called us a few days later and yelled at us about leaving early and called a few other of our friends to tell them they didn't like the gift they got them. Really quite classy.
I agree that they can make a list including anyone they want, but you don't have to go. After all, they decided the date, right? and there are going to be people who can't go based on that information, if you can't go, you can't go, you get to decide that part, not them. Like my parent teacher at my early childhood family education classes says about toddlers, "Parents get to decide WHAT is for dinner, kids get to decide IF they eat it." You can only control your behavior. You have my support to not go.
And whoever it was who said they thought it was odd for you to seek out the opinions of an internet board when there is obvious termoil in the family: that's what this community is for. Are you telling me you've never used MDC as a sounding board to see if you are the only one who felt that way about something? Good grief.