February Mamas July 25-August 1 - Page 8

[shannon0218]

I've tried talking, he always says he's going to try harder to communicate but never seems to follow through. When I sit here and go through in my head all the promises he's made and not followed through on, I just feel like a complete idiot for constantly believing him when he says something is going to change. I mean how stupid can one woman with a high IQ be???
He is completely inept at communication of any sort, I believe now that when I talk he tunes me out and just answers yes or no at appropriate times.
This fight of course escalated past the bathroom and lying issues and when I told him why it bothered me so much when he goes like 10 days without shaving (that he is representing my business--I realize it's me who's sick and he's doing a favor, but would it really mess up his day to shave once in a while??) he made some flippant comment and I told him he looks like a street person (which right now, frankly he does) and he said "Good, cause if you don't quit nagging me about everything that's where I'm gonna live" I told him if he truly felt that way he was free to leave and went in the bedroom to cry. I was there 3 hours before he left and he didn't say word. This is making me sick, I mean if he feels that way now, maybe it is better to just get it all over with, if he truley feels he wants to leave cause I'm that hard to live with.

[Boobs]

I'm so sorry. You sure don't need the extra stress right now. I really hope everything just seems worse than it is because of your "condition". Don't ya just hate when people call it a "condition"? Seriously, I really hope things look better in the morning. They usually do. Try to get some sleep while he's gone.

[heveasoul]

Oh Shannon.. How are things looking this morning? Wow - it's like when conflicts are blamed on PMS..."No, it's NOT that I'm being hormonal - you're being particularly highly annoying at an unfortunate time!!!" (((big sigh))) It sounds like it is a problem that predates any pregnancy hormones, but the depth of the hurt may be influenced by your hormonal state/condition.

Hang in there. You both have been through a wild ride this past year.

If it's become too difficult to manage, is counselling an option? Sometimes having a 3rd person there can help.

I have houseguests this weekend, so I haven't been able to check in with everybody. Yay to new month, and I hope that those who are feeling icky pull out of it soon!

[ekblad9]

I managed a healthy breakfast and my vitamins this morning. Yippee. So glad August is here.

Shannon - I was just thinking last night how I'm just irritated with dh in general. I don't even like being around him. We've been married for 9 years, I've had five kids, and never once has he said "thanks" or anything remotely close to thanks. Anyway, that's obviously not the whole "why" I'm irritated with him but I think we need to get back to counseling. It really does help. I also know that alot of it has to do with hormones and feeling like crap, things getting out of control, and him kind of sitting by and watching. When I envision my homebirth he's downstairs, not in the room with me! Isn't that awful? I want all women, all understanding, loving, appreciative, women.

Sorry to rant. I'm sure this will pass. Going to try and shower before I get ill again!

[shannon0218]

Things are still bad this morning. I spoke for a long time last night with my friend who is a therapist. She thinks this is just his way of bucking against the responsibility which has certainly never been his strong point. She thinks he's acting like an ass, but that is why. I didn't sleep at all last night, this morning he's not talking to me. My friend has agreed to call him and see if she can talk some sense into him this afternoon. I don't honestly hold out alot of hope of it working though. This is so frustrating, a few of you know how hard I worked to get to this point and I find myself considering terminating this pregnancy on an almost daily basis. I have an overwelming desire to close the business (what's left of it) pack up the essentials and load up the dogs and drive out west to just start over.
As for therapy, I've suggested it, numerous times but he doesn't think he needs therapy. He feels the need to lie to me about cleaning a shelf or having a shower, but he doesn't need therapy....ahhh....yeah
Maybe it is all my fault, maybe I am a raving bitch but I know one thing for sure and that is that I don't like where I'm at right now.

[ekblad9]

Oh sweetie Take a deep breath. You have worked so hard to get here. If he won't go to therepy then you should. I did it for years alone and it really did help. A good friend of mine just went through a horrible time in her marriage where it was clearly the dh's fault nearly 100% but at first he wouldn't go to therepy. She went alone and it helped alot. Check out the web site www.exceptionalmarriages.com Some of it is religious based but you can take what you like and leave the rest. There is a secular book available on their site called "The Exceptional Seven Percent". It really helped me through a very tough time in our marriage.

You're in my thoughts constantly.

[shannon0218]

You know, one of things that irks me to no end is that even though he's my husband and I'm carrying his child, the women on this board are more concerned with how I'm feeling and how I'm coping than he is. You'd think that would hit home with him as to how unsupported I'm feeling at home, but no, when I said that last night his response was "I guess I'm just not as good a person as they are"
I don't know if the dream was brought on because of our fight but for the first time last night while dozing I dreamed about the baby, about delivering the baby and you know, Steve wasn't even in the room (of course the baby was also toddler size)
I'm so tired, just physically and emotionally exhausted.
To top things off, yesterday afternoon I was attempting to deal with a difficult dog, I had him by the collar and kinda took off and ended up slamming my hand against the corner of the wall. I have a big swelling on the right side of my right hand. I don't think it's broken as the swelling seems to be the only that prevents me from moving my baby finger, but damn it, it hurts like hell and thanks to the heparin I'm on, it's black and blue and very ugly looking.
Wow, talk about a me me me whine. Sorry.

[ekblad9]

Men just don't get it. Most men anyway. I've done this six times with awful m/s, kidney stones, gall stones, a variety of othe issues, not to mention labor and delivery. I'm telling you, I've never gotten a thing from him. Not a thank you, good job, nothing. My best friend was at my fourth birth and after it was over she (who has three kids of her own) was like "I'm in awe, you're my hero". That's something, eh?

[Lousli]

Shannon and ekblad, I'm so sorry you're struggling with your husbands as well as all this pregnancy/morning sickness stuff. It really doesn't seem fair. I feel very lucky that my husband is as supportive as he is, but I also know that he seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

Shannon, my advice to you is that while you are contemplating doing some drastic things (moving, terminating the pregnancy, splitting with your husband) try to wait at least a few months before seriously considering any of these. Better yet, a year. You and Steve have had it so rough lately, from the losses you've experienced, to the stress of the wedding and your MIL, to the extremely difficult pregnancy, to the effect that this pregnancy has had on your business/health/marriage. I'm sure that there is so much stress and tension right now that even smaller things can seem huge and overwhelming, and bigger things are that much more so.

I hope that you get things worked out, and other than counseling, I'm not sure how to suggest what to do. But I really think that maybe just some time and space might help. Good luck to you.

Ekblad, I'm not quite getting why your dh seems to think that his job ends when the egg is fertilized. I'm assuming he works outside the home, and you stay at home. but with 5 kids, homeschooled, and another on the way, there is no way that you can do it all by yourself. Maybe you could afford some help with housekeeping? But to me it also sounds like conseling is a good option. I was made sad by your post that he has not once in all these years even said thank you. That, to me, would not fly. I couldn't be part of a relationship where I didn't feel valued. If I apologize to dh that I'm too tired to do anything and the house is a mess he at least reminds me that I'm doing the work of growing a baby.

I'm sorry that there is so much tension out there right now. I hope that we can support you with some love and listening. Wish I could say more, but I don't know what to say.

[ekblad9]

My dh is very confusing. :LOL He's a great, great dad. I mean, better than I could have ever hoped for my kids. He plays with them, takes them places, reads to them, he never comes home from work and says he's too tired to do anything with them. However, he clearly has intimacy problems and doesn't seem to get that we are a team. He's not touchy feely, rarely says he loves me, things like that. I don't know. We've worked on it in therepy some but clearly we need to get back there. I just haven't felt up to it lately. Soon, I hope.

OK, I'm going to attempt to take the kids swimming with dh. I look like a whale in my bathing suit already.

[Lousli]

Ekblad,
I really hope I didn't offend you, I didn't mean to imply that your dh was not a good dad. I was mostly referring to the cleaning, cooking, being sympathetic about your m/s, that kind of stuff that it seems like you need more help with. And the touchy feely things.

Have fun swimming! Thanks for your advice on cloth diapering, btw.
(((hug)))

[ekblad9]

No, no offense at all. I just felt bad ripping on dh so much and thought I should give him SOME credit, :LOL I'm hard to offend so don't worry about that. I do need help, esp. when I'm pg That's a major issue between us.

[wtchyhlr]

Shannon - I'm so sorry things are spiralling so out of control. You really hve had a huge amount to deal with this last year, so I hope you can get DH to take a breather with you, and maybe do some therapy.

[Mama2Chloe]

Shannon and Ekblad, You both are in my thoughts. Marriage is hard. Mine has had it's rollercoater moments and we have gotten through them, thankfully. I truly hope that it all works out and these guys will come to there senses! Just know that you have friends here that will always listen and support your decisions. Take care and I hope you are both feeling good.

[ekblad9]

I started a new thread:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...68#post1838368