Cesarean Birth Support Circle July/August 04 - Page 3

[bwylde]

I love that quote too! Very true :. (I think it's a little why I'm scared of birth either way).

I think a lot of my reasons for wanting to VBAC aren't as strong as they used to be. Honestly, some days I can't remember why I want to. Right now it's how the people in my life will react that seem to have the largest impact on me. They're bascially setting me up for failure by saying I can't give birth, I wont' be able to handle the pain, my body isn't made for it, blah blah blah. Of course these are people who think a c-section is an easy way out, not realizing that it can be emotional and painful. I mean it's major abdominal surgery for goodness sakes! Mom thought I was nuts when I said a vaginal delivery is safer; people honestly dont' know better.

I didn't mourn the loss of natural birth with DS and while it would be ideal, I'm not going to live in regret if I never have one. I'm definately not someone who would run out and say do a repeat. I feel for me if there is no valid reason, I should not have one. I am strong on "intuition" and gut feelings, having done so much reading and just being in tune with my body that I feel comfortable this time with what ever I decide to do. I also will not get caught in the induction trap this time as they won't do anything since it's VBAC (thank goodness, even though I wouldn't let them anyway).

A lot of what's going on is the same as you mentioned above, Megan, and it happened with DS too. I had never heard of people making progress then "closing up", but I found out it happens as it did to me. DS never moved down at all and this one did back a month ago at one appointment, but has been really high up ever since, ironically after I started using my exercise ball more frequently :

I feel even going right to the end of the legnth of time I'm "allowed" would do nothing more than prolong my agony and anxiety over how its' going to end. I sometimes thing that I'm so nervous and anxious about the whole thing it's no wonder the baby isn't coming.

I also could be making a big deal over nothing as I could go in tommorow, have a beautiful placenta, baby be in position, making progress and I could give birth naturally by the end of the week. I just need to work through my feelings now and I dont' have anyone IRL who understands.

I know there was more I wanted to say, but can't remember what. I'm so grateful for the opinions here and having a place where people can understand where I'm coming from rather than total opposites (as in "just get a c-section and get it over with" or "you better have a VBAC!"). Sometimes there is middle ground where people are.

[Electra375]

bwylde - I would highly recommend reading Ian May's Guide to Natural Childbirth and if you have time follow that up with Spiritual Midwifery. I found her books to be the most inspirational reading I did in prep for my VBAC. She also talks about the closing up thing, which is why I think these book might offer some comfort to you.

[bwylde]

The library/interloan system and book store don't carry any of her books and right now, time is really running short to read books (that I couldn't afford to order anyway).

[Piglet68]

I think the most important thing is being at peace with your birth. If you loved your C/S why feel pressured to change that feeling? That's how I was feeling, at least, and I realized it's ridiculous. I'm also not some idiot who thinks everybody should have them and they are all great. For every VBAC horror story there are C/S horror stories. But the truth is out there...v-births are usually easier, beter for baby, and associated with less complications than C/S births.

Anybody who wanted a v-birth and feels dissatisfied with a previous C/S should go for it. We can provide the resources here to gain confidence in the process. But I also think those of us who went through with a second C/S and are at peace with it needn't fear being judged.

Actually, I've never encountered being deemed "non AP" upon hearing I have a c-section. By the time they hear I had a C/S they have already seen me BFing, slinging, know I cosleep etc. or they've heard about it since I never miss a chance to bring it up, lol.

[eilonwy]

You know, I wish more people had said "listen to your body" but apparently that only applies if you're planning a vaginal birth or an unassisted birth. If you're really listening, if you really trust your body, you'll be told to catch the baby by yourself, or at the very least to have the baby at home. That's what irritates me so much-- if I'm honest about what my body was telling me during my early labor with BeanBean, it's that I needed a c/s. Oh, he was born vaginally, but it took 4.5 days and agony, as well as a vacuum extractor. Afterwards, when I said I wished I'd had a c/s, the response was universally "Oh no you don't!" Not "what does your body tell you, what does your heart tell you?" just all the negative things about cesearians.

Even though I had this experience, and considered asking for a planned c/s with BooBah early on, I decided that I'd have a vaginal delivery. It felt like the right thing, all the way through the pregnancy; even after she turned breech I still felt like I could give birth to her vaginally, that she'd turn and everything would be fine. I ended up with an emergency c/s, though. I wasn't devastated by this, but actually found the experience to be quite healing. It was, as I knew in my heart of hearts that it would be, a much more pleasant experience than BeanBean's delivery. I felt vindicated! I was right! And while I felt that I missed something by not laboring at all, and had a harder time making the transition from pregnancy to parenthood, it was still such a relief to hold BooBah in my arms, to smile at her perfect babyness, and not feel like her transition into the world had been horribly traumatic for both of us.

At this point, I intend try for a VBAC with #3, not because I feel like I have something to prove but because right now that's what I think is right. It may change during my pregnancy, but these days I feel just as confident to listen to my body as anyone planning a UC. I don't feel a need to justify my decision either way; if my body tells me that I need to have a c/s again, I will do that. If it tells me that it's time to birth my baby naturally, I'll do that. If it tells me to plan for lots of drugs, I'll do that too. Whatever happens, I have faith that I will know what's right for me, even if it's not what people think I need.

[bwylde]

I just got back from my appointment. Thurday will be the big day if I don't go into labour on my own. I am not effaced, dilated, engaged (baby is floating really high) or anything, so at the moment it isn't looking good for a VBAC. I'm ok with it now as where it won't be an emergency c-section, I will have more control (I hope!) and I know what to expect.

While I was there, even if he said they were wheeling me off to the OR, I would of been ok with it. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I feel that no matter what happens, everything is going to be ok

[ladylee]

bwylde-

wishing you all the best on Thursday and for your recovery-you sound very much at peace with yourself and that's the most important thing.

I don't like to use the words "better" or "easier" when referring to birth, but I found the planned birth was such a different experience (in a good way.)

You must be very excited to meet your little one!

[its_our_family]

bwylde-- YAY! I'm glad you sound at peace with this. You are in a similar position to my own. I hope thursday is a wonderful day! You get to meet your babe!! How exciting!

[bwylde]

Here I am on the eve of my c/s and I'm feeling very nervous!! I'm also kind of ticked at mom. I was just chatting with her and I was trying to pour out my feelings and she was really making light of everything. It makes me mad as she's never had a surgery so she doesn't know what it's like. I said it was horrible being in recovery from being put to sleep and that it was the worst I ever felt (and I've had a lot of surgeries/been put to sleep a lot in my life and have even regained consciousness in the middle of a surgery once). I said how horrible it felt not being able to see DS for so long after the birth and hearing he was a boy when all I wanted to do was curl up and die. What she basically said, well we got to see him, lololol. That really hurt. I've never really talked about the time I "came too" from the GA to when I saw DS because that's the only thing I hated about the whole thing. I can deal with it, but I do know that I don't want to relive that experience again, which is why I'm adamant I want to be awake this time. I'm hoping and praying the anesthesiologist (sp?) who can do it is on call tomorrow as not all of them can.

It's hard to believe this time tomorrow at this time I'll have another baby! yikes!! :LOL:

[KKmama]

Carla, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I wish you the smoothest, easiest recovery possible. I'm sorry the vbac didn't happen, but I'm glad you've found peace with the situation and are moving on to the mama stage.

*We* know what the surgery is like--we'll be here for you to talk about it. I really hope that you get what you want out of the birth and that you get to hold your baby ASAP.

[ladylee]

bwylde-I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed from your mother. All the best to you tomorrow, and as KKmama said, we understand and are here for you if you need us.

[bwylde]

Thank you guys!!

I am up way earlier than I expected. I'm in knots about going in tommorow. I was having dreams about it that were kind of freaky. I've been replaying various possible scenerios of what may happen and it just doesn't seem real it's going to happen. I'm starting to feel it will be a relief as I've been having a lot of cramps and my sciatia is getting to the point I can barely walk (which is hard with a toddler who likes to run off). I've been reading more online about how cesareans are done, which is a little comforting.

Of course I also got riled up reading some stories at babycenter; "Oh, I was due in two weeks and I hadn't dilated and the doctor said I was having a huge baby, so even though I was perfectly healthy and the baby was fine, they did a c-section" : . Well, that seemed to be a common reason why and emergencies were in the minority. My goodness, not everyone goes early and you can't always go by their weight guesses. Why risk having a baby born too soon if there's no valid reason? Having a c-section is one thing, but casually having one is another. After about a page, I couldn't take anymore as it was hard to relate to most of what I read.

I'm off to read more about side effects of the various anethestics (I think one of you had some excellent facts a few threads back, so I'll dig that up first ). That is my biggest concern; having a choice.

[calla lily]

Here's hoping for a smooth delivery for you bwylde.

I had received alot of pressure from my mother to go for the repeat c/s. They had scheduled me for June 29th (it had been scheduled for June 23rd but I said no way to that) I was due July 6th. My mom came in town to stay for 3 weeks on June 27th and I know she was hoping for me to deliver on the 29th. The baby had been transverse. But it looked like she had turned on the 26th so I canceled the c/s. My mom wasn't happy with that but I told her this is not her birth and she had made the choice of when to come visit. So she would just have to wait around like me (she was a big help with my ds though). I could tell that the baby had turned transverse again before my next appt. I went in to my doc on my due date and found out that she was indeed transverse again and he was leaving for vacation in 3 days. Since I wasn't dilated any and she had been transverse for so long, I agreed to the repeat c/s. I was afraid to wait around for labor only to have another emergency c/s preformed by a unknown doctor (as had happened with ds). So 2 days after my due date, on July 8th, dd was born. She weiged 6 lbs 13 oz. Can you just imagine how tiny she would have been had I agreed to the c/s on June 29th or the original date of June 23rd!! Even thought I had had my heart set on a vbac, I'm glad I had a couple days to come to peace with the c/s and it was much easier this time around. I felt like I did all I could and waited as long as I felt comfortable. Not really sure what the point of this was. Just rambling. I too don't understand why anyone would agree so quickly to an unnessary c/s just for convience. My baby was transverse for weeks and I still faught my doctors and family til the end.

[bwylde]

Thanks for sharing your story, Calla Lily!

Well, I've been extended another day, which is fine by me!! There were so many women having babies and emergencies tying up the OR that we're going to have to go with tommorow. I go up at 8 and hopefully will have the baby sometime in the morning. I'm pretty excited as the guy who does epidurals/spinals will be there so I'll be awake for it!! I was really worried about that.

I can't believe I spent the whole day worrying and starving (a pregnant woman who has gone nearly 24 hours without eating is not very pleasant to be around, lol!!). My poor baby was so sluggish; the nurse had to give me some apple juice to get it moving while doing the NST.

There was a woman who was quite loud in the next room and someone said I wouldn't want to be here, but I said I would gladly trade places!! I still get no understanding about why I would prefer natural.

[Blissful Bee]

Carla, I will be thinking of you!!! Sounds like a bit of peace has come with the extra day. Funny how things come together isnt it!

I am SO happy to find this thread. I have had three C/S and all but the last were unplanned. I never felt inadequate or like a lame Mom until we started homeschooling and I found myslef in a group of what I thougth were like-minded women. We were mainly AP families, and as eclectic homeschoolers, we had a lot in common. Until they ask about my birth stories. Some are Doula's and some are women who have had natural vaginal deliveries. I am so happy for them that they feel so good about it, but I swear that they change their opinion of me when they find out about my cesareans. As though I must not have been well educated about my births for that to happen. I know that is not true and that they were necessary, but I cant help but feel like I am being judged. I even posted about HBA3C on the other board. We are trying for number four, and I wanted info on it just in case. But after reading what you ladies have written and finding my original state of mind again, I realize that that would be very selfish of me. Not to say it would be for anyone, but for me it would be all about saving face with my friends and about my ego. Thanks for being here on this board and supporting Mothers who maybe didnt have their dream birth.

I will be visiting often!!!

[Henry's_Mamma]

Kari! You've found the right place.

Carla -- thinking of you! Can't wait to hear/read your story!

Not much to report in my world but just wanted to quickly say hey to everyone!

[its_our_family]

Anyone heard from bwylde???

[bwylde]

Hi! I'm here to report that I gave birth Friday the 13th at 2:26pm to a beautiful girl!! We named her Shaylee Miranda and she was 8lbs 8oz, 20 inches long. She is a beautiful nurser and a wonderful sleeper. My milk came in the third day and she was back to her birth weight when we were released from the hospital last night. I'm in the middle of writing my birth story and uploading pisc, so I'll share the links when I'm done.

It was so much worse this time around. I don't know if I can go through that again . I'm nak right now, so I'll be back

[its_our_family]

I am so glad she is here!!

I'm sorry it was bad too. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm still sorry. No one wants a bad birth experience

[Henry's_Mamma]

Carla ... welcome to little Shaylee. Lovely name! I'm sorry to hear that your birth did not go well. I hope your recovery goes much better.

Looking forward to your birth story!