Living a real life after institutions...

[Dar]

I don't even know how to start, really...

I guess the background is that I spent the first 15 years of my life in a pretty messed up family, then finally at 15 I ran away and refused to go home again, and ended up in various psychiatric institutions for the vast majority of the next 5 years, mostly on powerful psychiatric medications... and then I was in and out for 4 more years, the last time being when I was 6 months pregnant, which was 12 year ago.

When I first got out I felt like Rip van Winkle, truly... a lot of those years was really a blur. I did a lot of crazy things - a lot of self-injury and suicide attempts - but I never felt "crazy". Mostly I was just feeling lost and awful and didn't know what else to do, or how to feel better.

Anyway, in the beginning I felt like I had "Mental Patient" tatooed on my forehead, but that got better; except for the scars all over my body I think I kinda blend now... but I'm realizing now that I'm still dealing with the aftereffects of all this.

I have a hard time getting close to people, to anyone. I don't really know how to interact like that, although I do fine with acquaintances now... although that took a while. I have the same problem with dating - once I get past the "getting to know you" part I panic and feel submerged and cut it off. When I've had close friends I get totally sucked into their lives, and can't seem to think for myself anymore. Balance is lacking, and the whole thing scares me.

I missed a lot - I don't think I had any kind of normalcy in my life until I was 25 or so, as a single mama student, and by then it was kind of too late. I missed most of high school, and went to college with a baby in tow. I never really "found myself"... I was always too busy treading water, to keep from being sucked back down, either into my family of origin stuff or into my own craziness.

I want to get past this, and have a real life, but I'm not sure how to start. I had ten years of therapy with a good therapist, ending about 6 years ago, and that got me past being crazy and into functional-land... but I want more than functional now.

I do think I have basically been a good mother, through all of this. That always came very first... and maybe now that my daughter is older and doesn't need me in the same way, I'm looking at myself again? I truly wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of craziness the way I did if I wasn't doing it for her...

Anyone been there, done this? Or anything like this? Or just have any words of wisdom, or kindness....?

Deep breath and press submit...

Dar

[L.J.]

I think a lot of people struggle with wanting more in life and from their relationships & how to really develop intimacy with people. I know that I struggle too sometimes.

I think the way to start to have a real life is to start having a real life.

I've entered the dating world again & have had to really evaluate who I am, what I want, etc. I spent time alone, which I think we need to figure out who we are, and now that I like who I am, I figured dating would be easy. It's not. All the theory & things I'd figured out in my head are now things I have to implement, while fighting off the old patterns & demons from my past. It's tricky, but I think I'm coming out ahead.

What I keep reminding myself is that if I want truly open, honest & intimate relationships with people, I have to be all of those things myself. Which means that I have to take a huge leap of faith & really put my fears & past experiences behind me (and be willing to face them as they pop in front of me) and be willing to risk. I believe that's the only way I'll ever have the kinds of friendships & relationships that I really want in my life.

We all have past history. Yours is just what it is, no better or worse than anyone else's. It's helped you become who you are and the mother you are today & for that you can look at it as a blessing in your life.

I don't think there's a magic way to figure things out. I understand too about balance. But I know that the more "work" I've done on myself and the more confident & happy I am inside, the more I find people in my life who are the same & the issue of balance really isn't an issue anymore.

I don't know if I've said anything that helps. I think we're all really just trying to figure it all out!
Wishing you peace ~ L.J.

[Piglet68]

Wow, I had no idea of your past, Dar. I don't have any advice, since I've never come close to dealing with any of that. But I wanted you to know that you are an amazing mama. I love all your posts in GD, and you are truly a role model for me there. It is my wish to have the sort of relationship you have with Rain, and to use the same techniques you are always so willing to share.

For you to have gone through all that you have, and be able to parent your child with such love and gentleness, speaks volumes about how emotionally healed you are inside. Not to dismiss your feelings of "needing work"...just to say that you have come a long way, baby, and overcome so many odds.

I think you are amazing.

[sueami]

dar,
i'll echo piglets words. i've always admired your posts and your insight into child rearing and wished i could be nearly so centered and conscious a parent as you appear to me...

i'll toss out the answer i've been giving a lot lately, byron katie. you can search for her name and sueami and find the first post i wrote about her last summer... i can't say enough how transformative her incredibly simple approach is. i had no idea how many, many stories i carry about myself, my family and the world around me (i've been calling them me, or my past, or the way the world is but one by one i'm seeing that they are completely untrue), and exactly how those stories warp my experience of the world and my moment to moment life. katie's inquiry process has been so simple and so transformative, blowing holes wide open through these stories.
her website is www.thework.org, her book is loving what is, and you can get a taste of her from the first post i wrote about her here in PG. it's titled something like i'm amazed by what i'm finding in this book..

congratulations on finding the space and energy to head down this path. i'm certain you'll find out that you are more whole than you ever realized...

warmly,
susan

[wonderfulmom]

((hugs)) Sorry about your rough start in life. I think many people are working on themselves in some way. If you like to read, I think it helps to read about other people's struggles in various areas. I think it also helps to keep a journal of whatever you're thinking about- big and little things.

[Dar]

Awwww... thanks, you guys. I feel much more hopeful about this now, like at have somewhere to start... I think journaling would be a good thing, I need to start doing that. And I'm intrigued by the Katie Byron thing, I started reading the site and I'm sure I'll have questions...

I do know that a lot of people go through stuff like this...I guess since so much of my lfe was so not-normal, it's hard for me to tell what stuff *is* normal... I don't have good frame of reference, really. It took me a long time to realize that my childhood was not normal - maybe (sadly) not very unusual, but not normal. And psych hospital life is not normal... so I came out and just tried to pretend to be like everyone else and sort of got there, on the outside anyway, but I still feel like I'm pretending sometimes...

Dar

[mocha09]

Dar, I was also truly surprised to read this. You just may be the preson I admire most here. Your life with Rain is inspiring to me. As a single mama, whenever I feel down-and-out, I think about you and how you made it alone, being present, homeschooling, being resourceful with money and trading and time, and what a great and beautiful, accomplished daughter you have.

I guess I'm "outing" myself, here. When I was 17, I stayed in a psych hospital for about a month. I know that is nothing compared to you, but I understand a little bit being drugged like a zombie and then being thrust back into the real world only to feel like a complete freak to everyone around me.

I second Piglet. I think you are amazing.

[monkey's mom]

Dar, you are my HERO! I think you exemplify balance and intelligence and compassion! You have seriously changed my life and my parenting and I thank you so much for that.

I've had a bit of a fucked up past and a few years of healing and changing. I can tell you this: stop comparing your insides to other people's outsides! You are no more or less unsure or conflicted than most people out there. They just might have really good defense mechanisms. One of the college professors whom I admired greatly admitted to me that she spent a long time feeling like she was "waiting to be found out." I think this is more common than not.

It sounds like you are concerned about boundaries in your relationships? I struggle with this and I've just taken to telling people "Hey look, I have some trust issues and it's nothing personal, but sometimes I get scared and freak out and act like an asshole." I have this world view that everyone leaves so sometimes I try to speed that process up. I'll never forget when my husband and I were dating and he was like, "Yeah. And? I've been with you this long, I know you're crazy and I'm not leaving." That was damn refreshing to hear!

I've really learned to open up about myself over the last few years. I don't feel the shame that I used to feel and that's freeing. I think pretending that I was OK just made it worse. I had to stop and say that I was not OK and talk about why (support groups for me) to get to the place where I guess I do feel OK. I still have moments where I think there's going to be a knock on the door and some official person says "We've made a terrible mistake. You're a delinquent and we're going to have to take your kid and your house and your dog and all the things that make you a regular part of society today." But those thoughts are few and far between. And no where near the impending doom that I used to feel all the time. So that's better!

Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps, but I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you and think about how I wish I knew you in real life so you could be my GD, unschooling, laid back, cool mama mentor!

You'll get where you want to be!

[Mom4tot]

's Dar. I think it took a lot of courage to share your past and feelings here, and I appreciate it. I always look forward to reading your posts, and feel "honored" when you respond to my threads (tho few!) in the homeschooling board. Silly, huh?

I can relate to the feelings of pretending and trying to figure out what "normal" is. My mother was an alcoholic. Though she was a brilliant and loving mom when she was sober, she was scary and distant a lot of the time. I grew up feeling lonely and really just a burden to people in general. It has taken me many years to deal with those feelings and I try every day to be a loving, present and rational mother...but I don't always know what that looks like. I will say, I have always thought of you as those things...not perfect, but a good mom and good person.

Thanks for sharing that with us, and allowing me to do the same.

[Dar]

You know... the odd thing is that I thought most people here thought I was sort of a PITA, if they knew who I was at all. This is so hard to take in... (I feel a bit like Sally Field- "You like me, you really like me"... but maybe that line because famous because it resonated with so many people...)

So that was a false story, anyway. I think.

I can tell you this: stop comparing your insides to other people's outsides!

I think that's very, very wise... I will remember that.

Dar

[CaliMommie]

Dar~
I have always read your posts with interest & been inspired by your realtionship with Rain. Your posts have helped point me in the drection of being the kind of mama my boys need & that I really want to be. I want that kind of relationship with my boys. And after meeting you & Rain, I have to say that I think you are as great IRL as you sounded in your posts here. I am so glad I was able to meet both you & Rain. She is an amazing young lady, I really enjoyed her. I felt comfortable around you, like you understood my spirited 3-year-old skipping around the table, tossing toys here & there. . . I didn't feel judgement from you & I appreciated that. I hope that if you are in town again you will call me & we can get together for coffee again. I like the advice you got about not comparing your insides to other peoples outsides.

AmiBeth

[cottonwood]

Let me just join in on the Dar love-fest -- your posts about your life with Rain have always felt both grounding and inspiring to me. I would be honored to meet you someday too.

I've had a bit of a fucked up past and a few years of healing and changing. I can tell you this: stop comparing your insides to other people's outsides! You are no more or less unsure or conflicted than most people out there. They just might have really good defense mechanisms. One of the college professors whom I admired greatly admitted to me that she spent a long time feeling like she was "waiting to be found out." I think this is more common than not.

I agree. This was the realization that helped me out of years of... I'm not sure I want to call it mental illness, perhaps emotional illness is a better description... but anyway, I was depressed, paranoid, had zero self-esteem, and battled with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I haven't ever been in a mental institution (funny, when I read "institutions" in the subject field I immediately assumed this was about school) but I can very much relate to that feeling of everyone else fitting and me just pretending and feeling incomplete and compromised and unworthy because of it. I've at last gotten to a place where I feel my daily life is real and true and good, but that is all about me and my family. My outreach to community is limited because of this tendency I still have to compare my inside to others' outsides, even though I don't believe it's rational, it's so deeply ingrained that it paralyzes me. And then I shift forward momentarily to seeing the illusion that this is -- but then back again. Shifting back and forth. Someday, someday, I will not feel anymore like the illusion is real. I'm pretty sure of that now.

[tinybutterfly]

Just sending a I grew up in a fairly chaotic home...umm, that is an understatement...and am in therapy again. I'm not so good at sharing personal info...admire your bravery. Sounds like you have come a long way. Warmly, tinybutterfly P.S. Normal...I get that. Hard to understand what normal is when my frame of reference is slightly skewed.