Nobody here has died, so I hope I'm not posting this in the wrong place. My SO left me. I knew it was coming, but I'm due in 4 weeks and I wanted so badly to keep trying, at least until our baby was a little bit older. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I shake, I feel hot and cold, and I can barely take care of myself, much less my three year old. I feel so awful, so guilty. I feel like I'm poisoning my little baby with grief.
This pregnancy was my gift to him. He has one child who he only has visitation with and I wanted to give him the life he wanted: a happy marriage, a home with children. But he was so unhappy to begin with, and I guess nothing I could do for him was ever going to help. He was more and more miserable, treating me badly, finding fault with everything I did. It was the point where I thought it would be a relief to be without him, but I was wrong. I thought I couldn't love him after everything he put me through, but I do, and I miss him. I miss the life we were trying to build. I miss the future we won't have. I miss the happiness that I wanted for my children. I just miss just having him close to me, and having someone to hold at night.
He said he would come to the hospital but wouldn't stay with me after the delivery, and now he doesn't want to take his family leave to help me out because it would be too "awkward".
?!!!
I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe he could be so cold, cruel and irresponsible. I loved him so much, once, and he loved me. We made this baby out of love. How can he turn his back on us? How can you love a person and treat them so badly? How can anyone be so selfish? I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid last week and I checked into the hospital. They said it was nothing but at my check-up they said they thought I might have an infection in my uterus. It has all turned out fine, but he wasn't there for me. He didn't return my calls when I told him what was going on. I just couldn't believe it. I kept checking to make sure the phone was on.
I know it isn't my fault that I couldn't make him happy, and he says he doesn't blame me for anything, so how can he do this?
So many things are left unfinished. My daughter's room still isn't painted. We were going to paint the baby's initials on the wall over her changing table, in the livingroom.
I have friends who have offered to help out with these things, but I can't bring myself to do it without him. This should be such a happy time. This little girl deserves to be welcomed to the world the same way her sister was. When Olivia was born more than 40 people came to my baby shower... this time my friends insisted on throwing another one, even thought I don't want it, and less than 10 people will be there.
Olivia's father is so adoring and wonderful, and this little one is going to grow up seeing what a father should be like. My heart is broken for all of the things she won't have... and I'm dreading her birth and the beginning of her life. I'm dreading being alone in this dark apartment with a crying baby. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm so unhappy to be having her. I feel like I'll never be able to give her the love of 2 people, and I feel like her presence in the house, and all of the stress and pain of taking care of her w/out Brian, is going to take a huge toll on my older daughter.
And now I'm 25 with 2 children to 2 fathers. I can't even imagine trying again with someone new. There is too much pain, too much of a possibility of failure and heartbreak, and I don't think I can make it through anything like this, again.
I'm so hurt and so scared.
I haven't been visiting my due-date club anymore, because I just can't read the stories of the women with their happy homes and loving husbands without bursting into tears. I want to be happy for them, but I can't. I feel like my life has ended.
I'm not even sure I should be on MDC anymore,since I am definitely not concerned with being healthy, at this point. I don't eat and I'm losing weight. I've had to take sleeping pills all week. When I was having the infection scare I just let them do whatever they wanted. I had 3 ultrasounds in 2 days and I didn't care. I'm sure I'll be the same way in labor.
I was driving the other day when I realized I didn't have my seatbelt on, but then I left it off deliberately thinking "what does it matter, anyway?". Then I thought of my older daughter and put it on. How messed up is that? That I could value the happiness of one child over the life of the other. I worry that I won't be able to love this child the way I love her sister.
I know that the storm will clear and the sun will come through again and I'll feel like myself. I'll be able to eat and sleep and care for my children. But even so, I find it very hard to believe that I'll like my life, and it just doesn't seem worth the struggle.
I'm starting to think that life is just a cycle of hope, disappointment, grief, and numbness, and then back to a new futile hope. I just want to be happy, again.
This pregnancy was my gift to him. He has one child who he only has visitation with and I wanted to give him the life he wanted: a happy marriage, a home with children. But he was so unhappy to begin with, and I guess nothing I could do for him was ever going to help. He was more and more miserable, treating me badly, finding fault with everything I did. It was the point where I thought it would be a relief to be without him, but I was wrong. I thought I couldn't love him after everything he put me through, but I do, and I miss him. I miss the life we were trying to build. I miss the future we won't have. I miss the happiness that I wanted for my children. I just miss just having him close to me, and having someone to hold at night.
He said he would come to the hospital but wouldn't stay with me after the delivery, and now he doesn't want to take his family leave to help me out because it would be too "awkward".
?!!!
I just can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe he could be so cold, cruel and irresponsible. I loved him so much, once, and he loved me. We made this baby out of love. How can he turn his back on us? How can you love a person and treat them so badly? How can anyone be so selfish? I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid last week and I checked into the hospital. They said it was nothing but at my check-up they said they thought I might have an infection in my uterus. It has all turned out fine, but he wasn't there for me. He didn't return my calls when I told him what was going on. I just couldn't believe it. I kept checking to make sure the phone was on.
I know it isn't my fault that I couldn't make him happy, and he says he doesn't blame me for anything, so how can he do this?
So many things are left unfinished. My daughter's room still isn't painted. We were going to paint the baby's initials on the wall over her changing table, in the livingroom.
I have friends who have offered to help out with these things, but I can't bring myself to do it without him. This should be such a happy time. This little girl deserves to be welcomed to the world the same way her sister was. When Olivia was born more than 40 people came to my baby shower... this time my friends insisted on throwing another one, even thought I don't want it, and less than 10 people will be there.
Olivia's father is so adoring and wonderful, and this little one is going to grow up seeing what a father should be like. My heart is broken for all of the things she won't have... and I'm dreading her birth and the beginning of her life. I'm dreading being alone in this dark apartment with a crying baby. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm so unhappy to be having her. I feel like I'll never be able to give her the love of 2 people, and I feel like her presence in the house, and all of the stress and pain of taking care of her w/out Brian, is going to take a huge toll on my older daughter.
And now I'm 25 with 2 children to 2 fathers. I can't even imagine trying again with someone new. There is too much pain, too much of a possibility of failure and heartbreak, and I don't think I can make it through anything like this, again.
I'm so hurt and so scared.
I haven't been visiting my due-date club anymore, because I just can't read the stories of the women with their happy homes and loving husbands without bursting into tears. I want to be happy for them, but I can't. I feel like my life has ended.
I'm not even sure I should be on MDC anymore,since I am definitely not concerned with being healthy, at this point. I don't eat and I'm losing weight. I've had to take sleeping pills all week. When I was having the infection scare I just let them do whatever they wanted. I had 3 ultrasounds in 2 days and I didn't care. I'm sure I'll be the same way in labor.
I was driving the other day when I realized I didn't have my seatbelt on, but then I left it off deliberately thinking "what does it matter, anyway?". Then I thought of my older daughter and put it on. How messed up is that? That I could value the happiness of one child over the life of the other. I worry that I won't be able to love this child the way I love her sister.
I know that the storm will clear and the sun will come through again and I'll feel like myself. I'll be able to eat and sleep and care for my children. But even so, I find it very hard to believe that I'll like my life, and it just doesn't seem worth the struggle.
I'm starting to think that life is just a cycle of hope, disappointment, grief, and numbness, and then back to a new futile hope. I just want to be happy, again.
at myself, for getting myself into that situation.
for my baby, that I had already ruined his life, before it started.
that everywhere around me there were people living cinderella lives.
2 different dads.
