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I can hear her screaming as I write this..ugh - Page 2

post #21 of 109
For me, and I think the other people who have said that this is CIO, it's the length of time and the obviously extreme distress this little one is going through. It is obviously having the same effect on her that crying in a crib has on the babes that are forced to endure that. It doesn't matter that she's in her daddy's arms. At this point, for this child, she is obviously far too traumatized by not having her mommy put her to bed to continue with this.

I agree that daddy should have the opportunity as well, but it's pretty clear that in the OP's situation, her daughter is not ready for daddy to be the one to put her to bed.

Believe me, I understand about wanting a break, I have been the sole person to put my ds to bed for nearly 3 years. At this point, I'm sure he'd be fine with daddy, it's daddy that's the problem. When he was younger, it would have been extremely traumatic for him, especially when he was in a place of needing me a lot, which the OP's daughter obviously is.
post #22 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceoc
Do you honestly believe this? I'm totally all about AP - but that dosen't mean that a child has to be attached *only* to the mother. Fathers should have every opportuinity to share as well. While the OP *may* want to consider holding off until her baby seems more ready, I really see nothing wrong with this approach.

While I don't think that it is necessarily as detrimental for a child to cry in another's arms as to let CIO, I don't think that I fully understand why a mama would want her baby to. When we don't honor our children's needs at bedtime, I think that may be blurring the boundaries of CIO.

My husband shares sleep with us like this: we all get in bed, read a dozen or so stories (Dad's job), kisses all around, and nursing. Then, snuggling gets to be done by dad. And, the 2 year old falls asleep. At 11 months, he needed me.

Sometimes he still asks for me to snuggle. Prior to the 2 year mark, it was all mama all the time per his choice. While my husband's feelings might have been a little hurt, he understands now that *this* is what our goal was: a happy, healthy little one who is bonded to both of his parents as he needs to be, in his own time.

Amanda
post #23 of 109
I am going to be the only one that thinks this, perhaps, but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year. the mother is the one that nurses, therefore the baby will obviously feel the mother has a certain nurturing, caring role. of course, the daddy can too, but it's different. for my son, daddy is all about playing, floor time, kisses and hugs and mommy is all about nursing, kisses and hugs, going to sleep in mommy's arms, playing, and so on. we have different roles and it's just how it's worked out best for us. we haven't sat down and decided we would take on these roles. they just happened naturally after he was born.
post #24 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by loving-my-babies
I am going to be the only one that thinks this, perhaps, but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year. the mother is the one that nurses, therefore the baby will obviously feel the mother has a certain nurturing, caring role. of course, the daddy can too, but it's different. for my son, daddy is all about playing, floor time, kisses and hugs and mommy is all about nursing, kisses and hugs, going to sleep in mommy's arms, playing, and so on. we have different roles and it's just how it's worked out best for us. we haven't sat down and decided we would take on these roles. they just happened naturally after he was born.


You so totally said what I thought but didn't know how to so eloquently put it into words.
post #25 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla
It is obviously having the same effect on her that crying in a crib has on the babes that are forced to endure that. It doesn't matter that she's in her daddy's arms.
Can I possibly be the only mother whose child, as an infant, would often cry inconsolably in my arms??? However, we worked out our own system over time, just as my dh did with ds - once I allowed him the space to do it!! What makes mother's arms necessarily better than father's arms? Is the goal to cease crying using any means?
post #26 of 109
Quote:
but I honestly feel there is nothing wrong with the mother being more attached to the baby than the father, especially in the first year.
I don't think there is anything necessarly *wrong* with it if you and your family are ok with it....but for some families that dosen't work out as well.

Maybe my opinion is a bit tainted from having PPD for a year after DD was born - but I *needed* to have DH take over some things. And with him only being home for 3 hours that the kids were awake you can bet that he was in charge - the whole time - (unless nursing was required)

This mom said she needed to have a break - why can't we understand that instead of judge her motives? It sounds like she has givin her everything for the past almost year.....why not start working on a transition *if that what she needs* and yes I said *she* the mother, she has feelings and needs too - and to automatically *always* put babies needs before moms is not in anyway healthy.

So she goes to the next best option and that is daddy - the only other person who loves this child as much as she does - I still don't see how that is so wrong??????
post #27 of 109
wemoon: you made me !! :LOL

thanks for quoting me !

and I also wanted to add.. maybe it's wrong in my part, but in our house, we don't like anyone to cry. so if ds cries, we do whatever he needs to be consoled and calm. if he would cry in dh's arms because he wants to sleep with me, I would never let him cry even in his arms because I feel they still feel abandoned. in this case, by mommy. I just think they grow so fast, I feel it's my duty to sacrifice what I have to sacrifice at this time, he's growing and I have to be there for him in whatever way he needs me. Just my opinion...
post #28 of 109

I dont know if this will work for you or not

But its worth a try

What if for a week you and daddy put dd to sleep together? And then every night you leave the room towards the end and increased that amount of time every night until its just daddy? I think this could work!
post #29 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceoc
So she goes to the next best option and that is daddy - the only other person who loves this child as much as she does - I still don't see how that is so wrong??????

I don't think it's wrong. but I'm saying, you and I know the daddy is the next best person, but for the baby, there is no next best person. the baby wants mommy, and baby (I'm putting myself in a baby's shoes, my kids for example) don't care who it is, he just wants mommy. it's the same for them if it's grandma, dad or a friend. they are not thinking about who loves them most. the baby in this case and this is my opinion, needs mama and that's why she was so desperately crying and for baby to be throwing up, it means (again, IMO) that she's in emotional pain.
post #30 of 109
First Graceoc because I HAVEN'T been through PPD, but I have been so depressed before that I have become immobilized and I couldn't imagine also having kids at that same time.

But! Of course that was coming :LOL

I just really have a hard time with the Mom's Have Needs thing. Yes, Mom's do have needs. They have desires that are so far supressed that they've faded into nothing. One of those desires for MANY of us is to bear children. Some of us here do everything, hope, beg, pray...ANYTHING to bear children. But to then later push off our children's calls for help (screams! for help)??? How long do we have with our most precious little people? I looked through photo albums the other day, I started crying because my babies were so grown. I could scarcely remember them being under a year. But the times I did remember were so sweet. I wouldn't want one of the times I remember to be how my child screamed for an hour for me, and then puked because I wouldn't come.

I have GREAT desires, HUGE desires. But the time will come when I can act upon them. I'm in the Mother phase of my life right now.
post #31 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by wemoon
I have GREAT desires, HUGE desires. But the time will come when I can act upon them. I'm in the Mother phase of my life right now.



you are so right! I am not talking about PPD cases, because those are separate cases that I think yes, when you need a break, you need it and you have to take it. BUT when it's something else, I think the child always comes first. heck, sometimes (I will admit this to you all) I wish I could put on my Friends DVD and have a cigarrette! but I don't act on it, sure it would relax me, but I have children that would be hurt by my actions so as a mother, it's my job to put my child first and say "no, no cigarretes". kwim? I was never a chain smoker so this is just an example (I didn't want you to think I was :LOL)
post #32 of 109
Your dd will be fine. In fact, she will be more than fine. She has 2 parents who love her dearly and are willing to spend every night caring for her and loving her as she goes to sleep.

Trust yourself and remember that parenting is a continuous process. If your child is raised in a caring and loving environment it will far outweigh the small difficulties along the way. If you need your dh to help you with bedtime then let him. If it's difficult to listen to her cries, go for a walk. Take a deep breath and swing your arms and remind yourself what a great mother you are. And you are.

It can be difficult to trust yourself when people around you have different opinions. Give yourself time to think about your situation when you're not tired and your dd is not crying. If you determine that the best thing for your family is to have your dh put your dd to bed 2 nights/week, then that is the best thing for your family.
post #33 of 109
Well, I think you can be fully in your "mother phase" and still need a break two nights a week.

That watching tv and smoking are being compared, however loosely, with a child being cared for by their father is nearly unbelievable to me. And very, very sad.
post #34 of 109
Quote:
)
A) Mom wants some peace and quiet

B) Baby isn't giving mom peace and quiet

C) All mom had to do is lay with baby for a few moments (from OP) to have peace and quiet
Thats what Im reading too..... maybe Im missing something?

Quote:
know it's O.K. for her to cry seeing as her daddy is holding her, so Why the heck do I feel SO guilty?
Is it ok that she is crying for you but because her dad is holding her, its somehow not so bad?

I'm just not understanding what you are getting at here.
post #35 of 109
It's one thing to have a child who is inconsolable, under any circumstances, crying in your arms. After all, if there is literally no way to stop the crying, what difference will it make? That is hardly the case here.

This is "cry it out" by its most obvious definition. It is deliberately withholding what the baby needs, at GREAT distress to the baby, for the sake of the parents' convenience (when there are several alternative ideas for meeting mama's legitimate need for some space). Most people here who advocate some "gentle" forms of crying are not referring to 35 minutes of screaming/wailing nor are they ever suggesting that baby should be allowed to cry so hard he/she vomits, while the solution to the crying is hiding out in the living room. Frankly, I'm shocked and extremely disappointed that anybody on this board would say what the OP is doing is "okay". Oh sure, it will work. After a few nights a week of screaming herself into exhaustion she will give up, like all the other CIO babies, and become the dream baby ParentsPlace poster child.

Attachment Parenting is about responding to your baby's cues. Can anybody point out how that is happening here?

As for the "baby needs to be attached to Daddy" line....well, babies also need to learn to walk, talk, and poop on a potty. And they will when they are ready. My child is VERY attached to her father, and we sure never had to go through that sort of trauma to get her that way. Why is putting baby to bed two measly nights a week considered THE way to get baby attached to daddy? How about daddy spends lots of playtime with baby, talks baby for walks? Changes baby's diapers (maybe not the funnest job for the parents, but equally interactive with the child)? Do some of you honestly believe that the only way to get baby attached to daddy is put her through this trauma?

It's perfectly natural for babies to be attached to their mamas at certain stages of their development and they DO grow out of it when they are ready.

I'm just really saddened and disappointed. I want to help this mama. I don't want to judge her or make her feel bad. Personally, I think she knows in her gut that something is wrong. I completely validate her desire to have some "me" time...but this just goes against everything we stand for here and I cannot in good conscience, support this method. There have been some great alternative suggestions, and I hope they keep coming. Obviously, the OP will do as her heart tells her, but perhaps this will give her soemthing to think about. ZanZansmommy:
post #36 of 109
I have to agree. one thing is the baby fussing with daddy, and the other is a baby actually THROWING UP because she is in emotional distress and needs mama. this is just my opinion, my babies have never reached a point of throwing up when crying, and my daughter has cried very strongly a couple times in the last three years (when she has fallen or she is sad) but she has never reached that point. I would be worried if she ever threw up crying, though, but that's just me.
post #37 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by pugmadmama
Well, I think you can be fully in your "mother phase" and still need a break two nights a week.

That watching tv and smoking are being compared, however loosely, with a child being cared for by their father is nearly unbelievable to me. And very, very sad.
Yup, I agree. I'm in my *mother phase* and relish in the breaks that I get...BUT, I'm a Mother before I am anything else. There have been LOTS of wonderful ideas on how mom can get some me-time, it shouldn't have to involve crying in such desperation, and then during your me-time coming to this forum to discuss how guilty you feel??? Maybe I just have a different concept of life, but my kids ARE my me-time! Essentially they are my life right now. Yes, I have other things I enjoy doing, and I DO love having time alone.

So, to the OP... Can dad take baby for a walk, a car ride, to the park, out for a treat, to the library, shopping....anything other than this obviously detrimental sleep/crying thing? Can YOU go out, while dad has the baby at home?

Yes, babies cry. They will cry in mom's arms and dad's arms. It has been stated already, but I feel the need to reiterate....this is SO NOT obviously the case. This crying could be put to a stop had mom just went to care for her child.

The smoking thing was not related to the baby being cared for by the father. It was related to a DESIRES thing. The two are about as seperate as one thing can get!
post #38 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by wemoon
The smoking thing was not related to the baby being cared for by the father. It was related to a DESIRES thing. The two are about as seperate as one thing can get!
thank you. I wanted to clarify this because I was misunderstood. I meant yes sometimes I have the DESIRE to do this, but I don't because my kids come first. I was not comparing both actions. I was just giving my example.
post #39 of 109
Some suggestions:

When DD was a babe, she was very content in her sling (or stroller, when she was around your baby's age) and would often go to sleep. DH used to take her for a long walk. She never cried, usually napped, and they would be gone for about an hour or more. It gave me a really nice break.

If you do really need DH to be there for bedtime, how about trying a gradual, gentle approach? First, when you nurse your baby to sleep, have DH lie there with you. Do this every night until baby gets really used to DH being there. You can also have him do something comforting, like rub baby's back while she nurses. When that routine is firmly established, you can try limiting nursing time..wait until baby is just about asleep, then unlatch while daddy still rubs her back. if she gets really agitated, offer the breast again. repeat. eventually she will associate the back rubbing and his presence with sleep.

HTH.


...oh, i just read that your DH is not around most evenings. well, this is going to be tough all around. if there is one thing all creatures need to learn it is repitition and consistency. i'm afraid all you are going to do is confuse the babe...is there really no other way you can think of to get time alone and have dh spend some time with baby?
post #40 of 109
a wise mama gave me some advice once and maybe this will help. How about instead of just throwing dad in cold turkey, after baby has been used to you putting her to bed for so long that you TRANSITION. Maybe someone else has posted this, I stopped reading through all of them but here's the idea. BOTH of you put dd to bed for awhile. Let her get used to having dad in the room first. And explain to her that it's okay for daddy to put her to sleep. Give her a little advanced warning to let her start processing the info ahead of time so she's not taken by surprise. I think even really young babies can understand some of this when it's explained. After a few nights of having dad in the room then you leave part way through... then maybe dad can eventually do it all alone.
I hear you about needing a break!! But maybe there's a more gentle way of getting that space and time for yourself. I'm disappointed that some of the mamas posting here are so "black and white" about this issue and not very supportive of your needs. :
I think it's good to know your limits and take care of yourself a little too. You're a better mama for it and everyone's limits are different.
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