9 yr daughter crying all night!! WHAT THE HECK TO DO?? - Page 9

[mother_sunshine]

I just read the rest of the thread....

I know she has seen that new movie commercials "The Village". Heck, that has freaked me out!!

Bingo. I'll bet that is the problem.

She sounds a lot like me as a child. I was very very sensitive to anything scary that I saw (and still am). I saw Amityville Horror when I was 13 and I couldn't sleep for weeks after that. It was pounded into my head that it wasn't true, and I completely understood that, but I was still affected just the same. And after Psycho I wouldn't take a shower without constantly peeking out of the shower curtain (and still did that well into adulthood :LOL). I was convinced that he was right on the other side of the curtain standing over me with a knife :LOL. Some of us are just more sensitive to that kind of stuff than others. Give us an opportunity to let our vivid imaginations run wild and we'll take off with it.

Maybe the best thing you can do is go with her to check under the bed, in the closet, etc. before turning off the lights at night. But I know from experience that will probably not be enough. Help her feel secure and safe. If you are willing, let her sleep in your room at least until she regains her security. Those images will stick in the mind for quite a while, but they do eventually fade (until the next image is introduced anyway).

Maybe get her a doll, angel or stuffed animal that will symbolically watch over her every night and keep her safe. , it worked for me as a kid. My Mom even got me a little vial of Holy Water from a church, I kept it by my bed at night (and I'm not even religious :LOL). We are a strange breed. But please be patient with her and help her out of it. She needs your reassurance and love. I used to feel so bad and abandoned when my Mom would get mad at me (or ignore me) for it. And don't make her feel silly. That'll just make her feel ashamed but it won't take care of the problem.

[SabrinaJL]

Originally Posted by LDSmomma6

Most of the time she goes right to sleep. It's when she wakes up during the night, that she will cry and whine and say she is scared. Last night was the worse I have seen since this all started, before bedtime. She will stand over me in my bedroom or stand in the hallway and just whine........ I talked with her this morning about being scared, and asked her to tell me what is wrong. She says she is just scared.

This is exactly how my 10 yo DD gets. I discussed it with her again today. I asked her if she knows why she sometimes gets scared in the middle of the night and she said she has no idea. She just gets scared. Like I said, I've chalked it up to puberty or her maybe having nightmares that she doesn't remember upon waking.

It doesn't really sound like anything is really wrong to me. I think she just needs some comfort. Have you tried letting her crawl in bed with you? When DD gets that way she climbs in between me and DH and I cuddle her or rub her back. The next night she's fine.

[bebe luna]

have you tried rescue remedy? it can be great for anxiety, fear, pain, sadness, etc. it's a flower essence.

also calms forte, a homeopathic remedy for sleep and restlessness.

how about letting her sleep with you for a while.

you could try aromatherapy as well: lavender, bergamot, chamomile... al very soothing and calming.

i hope she finds some peace in her nights soon, as well as you

[skipper]

Forgive this being my first post. I usually just lurk but something that someone else said struck me with an idea.

I know you said you had talked to her and she said she was going to try and not cry, have you asked her what SHE thinks would help her not be scared at night? Perhaps she can begin to handle it if she helps create a plan for her to handle the fear. It might give her the feeling of power over her fear, that she is capable of beating her fear and not crying. Even if she can't express what is scaring her, perhaps expressing what will help her not be scared might give you an idea. Perhaps taking a well-loved stuffed animal to bed as a guardian, or working out a 'magical' phrase that she could say to banish whatever is causing the fear.

Just an idea, even if I didn't express it that well. Good luck.

[Piglet68]

Jumping in late, here...I'll admit that OP was a bit scary. I think you had to know LDSmamma from these boards to recognize that all was not as it sounded, but I honestly don't blame some people for their negative reactions. It did sound rather parent-centred and a lack of concern for the DD. Doesn't excuse the rudeness, but I understand where some of the emotion was coming from.

Honestly, I think what you have here is a "failure to communicate" (thank you, Billy Bob Thornton!). Seriously, though...just because a child can't articulate her fears, doesn't mean there aren't any. She may need help figuring out her own emotions and articulating them. The drawing, counsellor, etc are all great ideas.

Sadly, she just may not feel able to tell her mother about those feelings. LDS, I know your heart is huge, but telling a child "there is nothing to be scared of" when she says she is scared is MAJORLY invalidating to them. It basically says "the problem is you" or "you are not right to be feeling this way", etc...I know you are trying your best, and this is not meant as a criticism of you, just know that perhaps she just doesn't feel she can talk to you about whatever it is....that doesn't mean there is nothing there. Then again, some preteens/teens get embarrassed about certain things no matter how open their parents are...but I think in that case she would be trying harder to hide her feelings from you, rather than being so obvious about it.

I realize it must be hard, but I agree with everybody who says there IS a problem here, and solving it at it's root is the best way. Maybe a herb remedy, or hell use my mother's tried and true tablespoon-of-brandy in a glass of hot water with a teaspoon of sugar (yum!). But know that it's only a bandaid. Your DD, first and foremost, is having a problem with identifying and communicating her emotions. A re-read of "How to Talk..." might be in order, or perhaps no matter how open you are she won't tell you, so maybe a counsellor etc. Ask her how she feels about that.

It must be hard seeing your DD so distressed...hope you both find peace soon.

[pie]

I know my bluntness here didn't have anything to do with unkind comments I've seen you make in the past. It had to do with concern for your little girl. Nine is still such a small child. She needs your love. You come here to be given AP advice and that's what you've been given.

I hope you take it, and give her comfort and tell her it's okay, while you can. She won't be able to cry in the night for you much longer.

[armonia]

Sometimes anxiety disorders can appear around this age, like ocd and seperation anxiety. It is often very hard for the child to talk about because thoughts can be be confusing and possibly irrational. Kids feel like if they talk about what they are thinking it just doesn't make sense, to them or others. Here are some links:

http://www.cchs.net/health/health-in...asp?index=6248


Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):
What to look for: Child may worry excessively about such things as relationships, school grades, possible misfortune, etc. Finds it difficult to control worries and anxiety is associated with restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability and sleep disturbances.

Depression:
What to look for: Signs of sadness or irritability, tearfulness, social withdrawal, refusal to go to school, hopelessness, decreased interest in activities and fatigue. Appetite changes, suicidal thoughts, sleep disturbance and decreased concentration are also signs of depression.

http://www.medhelp.org/HealthTopics/Bedtime.html


Best wishes to you and your daughter. This may be a very confusing time for her if she is developing an anxiety disorder.

[tracymom]

I second the movie trailers. My 7-yo DS is also very sensitive and sometimes wakes up crying for seemingly no reason. I also second all the ideas for getting an aunt or other trusted person to talk to her. Rescue Remedy is great for me AND DS, not habit forming. Still a good idea to have her checked at the doctor, though, just to make sure there is no underlying physical problem that even herbal medication or tea would mask.

T

For those wondering about the troll icon, I found the code. It's : trollicon (take out the space between the colon and the name). Not sure why it's not on the list, but if you need it, there it is.....

[rubysmomjess]

Originally Posted by skipper

Forgive this being my first post. I usually just lurk but something that someone else said struck me with an idea.

I know you said you had talked to her and she said she was going to try and not cry, have you asked her what SHE thinks would help her not be scared at night? Perhaps she can begin to handle it if she helps create a plan for her to handle the fear. It might give her the feeling of power over her fear, that she is capable of beating her fear and not crying. Even if she can't express what is scaring her, perhaps expressing what will help her not be scared might give you an idea. Perhaps taking a well-loved stuffed animal to bed as a guardian, or working out a 'magical' phrase that she could say to banish whatever is causing the fear.

Just an idea, even if I didn't express it that well. Good luck.

skipper this is a really great thought...welcome out of lurking!

LDSmomma6 I'm sorry things have been so rough for you and your dd. I was pretty sensitive as a child (and as an adult) and had a lot of anxiety which really came out at night. I love having bedtime tea before going to bed. The warm liquid is very soothing. Also, I do the pm part of am/pm yoga. The little rituals really help me...And when dh is out of town I still sleep with a hall light on (don't tell dh, though ). Good luck!

[MPJJJ]

Hello Momma,

I've seen your posts in the past, and know that you are a very caring mother. Please don't let these other posters get you down, it seems that rather then post first to introduce themselves, they cannot wait to get on their high horse and bash someone who is already down and out. :

I know what sleep deprivation can do to someone. I myself, have yelled at, and even hit (spanked) my 2 oldest when they have kept me up past my limit. It is something I work hard to control, since I was raised to have violent tendancies, but that is the only time they come out, and the only time it is so hard to control. Not getting enough sleep would make anyone act outside their normal charactor.

She says she doesnt know what is bothering her... could she be acting on a subconcious level? If she falls asleep at night, but awakens and starts crying, she must be dreaming. You understand that dreams cannot be helped.

How would you feel about letting her sleep with you and your DH until you work through this? My 2 year old has aweful night terrors, but most night I awaken when he starts rolling around and whimpering, and all it takes is a comforting whisper and a pat on the back to get him to settle down and go back to sleep.

Some chamomile tea might help, my Grandma used to give me some when I was little and had a hard time sleeping.

You can make some 'holy mist' by praying over a spray bottle and asking it to chase away evil things... it could be that she is sensetive and is picking up on some bad vibes in the room. If not actually something lurking in the bedroom, it might help her feel control, and the act of spraying the room and telling the 'bad feeling' to go away could make her feel at peace.

I hope you get to the bottom of this, and I hope these annoying trolls that have nothing better to do, leave you alone and go pick on someone who is actually in the state of mind to tell them to go back to the hole they crawled out of.

[DesireeH]

I looked in a book I have and it has a chapter on emotional upset...it says if the child is upset but cannot name the fear then try the Bach Flower remedy, Aspen. If the child can name the fear, try the Bach Flower remedy, Mimulus.

The book has tons of listings for homepathy but its based on specific fears (like dark, aliens, death, etc). If she lets you know a specific fear, let me know and I can look up the suggestion if you want.

Is school coming up? Could she be worried about starting a new grade?

[Shirada]

I don't have a 9 yr old girl. The closest I have been to a 9 year old girls was myself at that age. When I was close to that age I used to scream and cry at night. We went to psycologist after psychologist, counsellor after counsellor. I was a bright child, but still obviously unable to articulate what was actually bothering me. The distress went on for years, despite the help my worried parents sought for me. In the end a behavioural approach helped me, so much time had passed I don't think I even knew what was bothering me any more.

The point I am getting to is that it wasn't until I was in my 20's and revisiting my past that I discovered the reason for such distress. I recalled an incident from when I was 8 years old when a couple of teenage boys had grabbed me and my friend in the street and pushed me against a wall and tried to molest me. Absolutely horrifying. I only could look at the incident years later and realise the emotions involved. I wasn't supposed to be walking alone with my freind, (hence the guilt), I felt powerless, my friend was unable to help me and was equally scared and just kept laughing, (I now know that hysteria was her response to fear). I think I must have repressed the incident immediatley and was unable to retrieve the memory till years later. No wonder my parents couldn't get to the bottom of it.

Maybe since your dd has only just started having her sleep problems, it is a good time to ask her direct questions about possible abuse whlist she was staying at her cousins house. I sure hope that was NOT the case, but one never knows.

Good luck with easing your daughter's fears.

[Valerie.Qc]

Originally Posted by LDSmomma6

It's when she wakes up during the night, that she will cry and whine and say she is scared.

Is she really awake??

My dd, now 13th, was getting up at night crying and saying things about being scared... but she was still sleeping It took several time to figure this out (and a timely article in a magazine). It started when she was about 9. It might be that... but one thing is, my dd didn't recall being up in the middle of the night the next morning if we didn't woke her in the middle of her *crisis* like a toddler's night terror... I just redirected her to her bed as soon as she was upstair so the crisis was short and she didn't have an opportunity to wake up... If I missed my cue I was good for a long long night

Another thought: maybe one of her sibbling is doing strange noise in their sleep... (DH and DS are... it can be scary to listen to that in the dark ) That would explain why she slept all night when on the couch

Hope your dd and you find a solution to this situation and you two can be back to a happy relationship

[tofumama]

Bebe Luna and Skipper you beat me to it!
I second the Calms Forte...they are literally homeopathic sleeping pills. I also agree that sleeping is probably not the problem here, but if she is asking for something to help her sleep, this 'medicine' is something you can give to her safely. Anyone suffering from insomnia or sleep deprivation will have trouble articulating whats wrong, nevermind that your dd is 9! There are alot of good ideas here about what could be wrong, maybe make a list of things mentioned and bring them to the Dr? I definitely agree with the suggestion of a NP, as they often will look past the 'obvious', IYKWIM.
Having an emotional and intense child myself, I know how you feel, and that feeling of being at your wits end, its SO hard. I hope things get better for you and your dd very soon.

I apologize, LDS, for going OT here...
I usually do not get involved when people get all 'snarky', but honestly, I am really appalled. Apparently people don't go by 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'
Words to live by...

[Emilie]

I hope that you are having a better night tonight as well and especially your daughter.
I remember my parents would play tapes for me at night- this really relaxing sleep tape for kids- it talked about floating on a cloud. I wish that I still had it- it helped SO much! I also listened to books on tape- like huckleberry fin- which I still have ( no longer use) that seemed to take whatever was bothering me off my mind and I could fall asleep peacefully.
This may be a rearranging situation- like letting her sleep on the couch for awhile-( as to not disturb her sisters- which if it works- go for it!
I thought of you all day... and even talked to my mom about it. She said that those were really tough times for her- because it seemed there was nothing she could do but sit there with me- and no one could figure it out.
I wonder if she is worried about going back to school- are you out back to school shopping- etc. I hated school- and when I was ten a boy in my school pushed me down and grabbed my breasts- it was horrifying to me- and I hated to go to school.
I also hated to go to school because of the girls in my class- at that age- one day they are your friend the next they are not.
I would also seriously investigate the cousins thing- just because she says nothing happened does not mean that it is so! I am glad that you have talked to her about being touched in bad places- but it does not matter how close a relationship you have- she may not tell you- ever- or for a long time.
I send out lots of hugs and good thoughts for you all. I wish I was there to help!!!!
It can not hurt to take her to a doctor... at least you may be able to rule some things out.
Also just because she says- she will not cry tonight does not mean that she won't... she most likely does not want to be crying like this- so she probally has little control over it- I as an adult have very little control over my emotions at times.( dont' we all!) Anyhow- I just wanted to say that I sounded alot like this poor little girl and my heart goes out to her.....
Please give her a big hug for me- and if you want I will find out from my parents about the tapes- they may still have them and I know they did wonders.
Maybe the two of you need a little one on one time- if possible- go to the park alone together- or for a walk- or just sit on the porch alone together....
I hope you have found some good advice here- and can not get down by all the upset going on....
Be strong mama- we are all pulling for you!
EMilie

[PikkuMyy]

I'd just like to say that I'm really annoyed about having to waste my time reading through the snarkiness to find out what happened!

And that I, as the first responder to the OP, mentioned the movie commercial idea and still think it stands. I was too embarassed to tell my mother about it because I knew intellectually that it was just a commercial for a non-real thing - that didn't make any of the emotions feel less strong.

Anyway, LDS, keep us informed and we'll keep you and your daughter in our hearts.

[azyre]

When I have insomnia, when I try to relax to get to sleep my heart will race and it makes me feel scared. If I start to fall asleep and I "notice" it, I will immediately jerk awake and my heart will race. I wonder if something similar is happening to your DD? I could often not tell you exactly what has caused it either. I have been quite irrational to my SO in these circumstances, waking him up to demand he rub my back etc. I spent one night trying (in vain) to wake my sleeping nursing cause I thought that'd help me get to sleep, and getting more distressed I was wasting her long sleep and she wasn't helping me out!! Ahh poor me! I know at the time what I am doing to myself but can't help it.

It is the most annoying thing, and tools that I can often use to fall asleep will not work once I get in this state. I can't really offer you any solutions, just another take on the problem she may be experiencing. I have had some success with a commercial homeopathic insomnia relief spray. But if I am feeling that way, and it is a distinct feeling, I have a cut-off time of night at which I do use a prescription drug. After several years of this, I now know that nipping it in the bud can save me many days of poor sleep due to mounting performance anxiety. Also, knowing if I am not asleep by 1:30am, I will have the pill, this backup is often enough to relax me enough to drift off - I am not hung up on worrying how I will get enough sleep to cope the next day. If I don't do this, after a few nights of feeling anxious about sleeping the problem gets worse, and I am overwrought.

I am sure there are more holsitic and natural ways to help if this is the problem.

[anythingelse]

I have been through the repeated night waking with my kids, some reasons I found for it
-constipation and gas - ds was having a bm every 3-4 days and was old enough that I had no idea he was that binded, he would feel fine till he laid down then bawl and could not explain why.
Another dc is a teeth grinder & would wake and cry cause he would bite his side of his mouth, his lip, his teeth would ache. Another dc 3-4 loose baby teeth & was afraid he could choke on them if he was alseep.
another dc could not sleep because of growing pains and had charlie horses real bad so that would wake up screaming and would be in such terror from pain would not listen to me until I was get him woke up enough to stand up and flatten his feet out while both my dh and I together holding him to keep him from flailing around. We have also gone through the crying jags for other reasons when child was just over tired majorly pod, defiant, and whiny phase.
IME the best thing to do would be to focus on what exactly the prob is, not just try random things to resolve it, I would have dh talk to her, then try to set up a mother daughter date alone to talk it out before looking for counseling. I only know my own kids my and the ones in our ex family there can be many physical reasons for the behaviors you posted. (((HUG)))
I have yelled too, worst time was when one of my kids jammed a ball of foil up his nose and it bled so bad we had to go into er in the end of it cause I could not get it out & again he would not at first admit what he had jammed up there till I yelled at him that he better tell me so I could help him figure out how we could get it out cause previously he had jammed a tic tac into it to shoot out and impress his lil bro.
(which BTW burns apparently like a son of a gun)

Stuff happens and kids wake screaming - (((((HUG)))))

[Raven]

Originally Posted by skipper

Forgive this being my first post. I usually just lurk but something that someone else said struck me with an idea.

I know you said you had talked to her and she said she was going to try and not cry, have you asked her what SHE thinks would help her not be scared at night? Perhaps she can begin to handle it if she helps create a plan for her to handle the fear. It might give her the feeling of power over her fear, that she is capable of beating her fear and not crying. Even if she can't express what is scaring her, perhaps expressing what will help her not be scared might give you an idea. Perhaps taking a well-loved stuffed animal to bed as a guardian, or working out a 'magical' phrase that she could say to banish whatever is causing the fear.

Just an idea, even if I didn't express it that well. Good luck.

I think this is a very good idea. I think that whatever is bothering your dd is far more than a movie trailer.... I also believe that getting some assistance (not necessarily medical) may help as you are obviously drained and an objective party may help a lot.

Good Luck

[OwensMa]

Some good advice has been give. I hope the OP's DD is able resolve what's scaring her.
That said, some of the responses are in direct violation to:

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Why hasn't this been dealt with?

Let's keep the