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it's official.. Gentle Discipline is not possible with my child :( - Page 8

post #141 of 260
Originally Posted by embens
UM, when they eat and get food in their hair and it sticks to their face and they try to get it off and they cry because it hurts....When it is hot out and they get sweaty and sticky and uncomfortable.......When their bangs are long and you want to keep it out of their eyes because it bugs the crap out of them, but if you come at them with scissors they totally go off the deepend and freak out.

That is what is with the hair thing. Honestly.
Don't forget ParisMaman in also a mom. She even has a dd. Of course many folks here have osns with long hair, as would I if I had a son. My point is, obviously she hasn't had the experience you have with her own child. Possibly because she wiped her child's face before the hair stuck on, or her dd didn't get bothered by hot sweatiness or for whatever reason. I just think your post was kinda snarky to someone who also has a child but doesn't see why hair is made into an issue when it obviously wasn't in their household.
post #142 of 260
Yes, I have a dd with hair in her face all the time. And we live in a tropical climate--so pretty sweaty here. Her face; her hair. Whatever. Just a good excuse to stroke her beautiful face and tuck those stubborn stray clumps behind her ear

VM--that is the second time (that I noticed) in this thread that you mentioned you would not cut a son's hair. Now I am curious...could I ask why? Thank you!
post #143 of 260
On that quotation about the ice cream. The full quotation was something like "Ice cream would taste so good to you right now, but..."

I agree that the but doesn't need to be there. Just want to give what the full sentence looked like.

Hair issue: can't the hair be put up in a loose ponytail? Like no combing it into a perfect one? I guess I'm thinking of certain people I've seen that literally spend at least 30 minutes making the perfect ponytail with 3000 barettes and all these frou-frou thingies.

And, yes, my dd has long hair that currently has honey and some other gook in it. And I sent her to Russian camp that way this morning.

Embens I am sorry if you took my "honestly" as insincere. It was sincere. You made some good points.
post #144 of 260
Because DP is still working on some sexism issues and it would drive him bloody insane! :LOL
post #145 of 260
you should give dd a buzz cut!
post #146 of 260
HI I haven't read everything so forgive me if I repeat. I wanted to comment on the screaming until she gets what she wants. I have never allowed screaming and tantrums to flap my resolve. Seriously I do not care how loud my child is in the store. As a general rule people have been supportive and helped me get my stuffout to my car while I toted my screaming toddler. She wants something and she is entitled to want it. She is mad that she didn't get it and she entitlted to that. But what she is not entitled to is havingher every little whim fulfilled. We do not buy candy at the store unless it is on our list (an occaisionally it is) and no amount of screaming of cryidng is going to change that. Also for something where I might have answered yes or changed my mind in thepresence of a compelling reason the minute the argue, pout, whine or display rudeness my answer is a firmly rooted no. My children do not think I am a meanie. It has never crossed thier mind. I can take my children into a toy store to explore without having to worry about tantrums when we leave empoty handed because for the last 8 years I have never once given in. they don't bother anymore. They each recieve a few dollars and can spend it however they choose within reason (no ciggarettes or porn but everything else I am open to). it has really helped when the begging starts because all I need to say is "did you bring your money?" They know we ware on a tight budget and if I need a cop out for something my usual line is "we can't afford that" . Consistantly sticky with your first answer (whatever it was) will reduce the whining and tantrums. Same with threats. If you say "If you do xxx you will recieve yyyyyy" follow through. gaurd your tounge and don't say it unless you mean it. iT is fine to decide some battles aren't worth fighting but don't be tempted to engage unless you are willing to follow through. Pick one or two things, work onthem be consistant and once those are handled move on.

hair - we have a brush it or cut it policy. Also we use special tangle spray and lots of conditioner. It is the knots my children hate, not so much a time thing. My oldest chooses to keep hers very short. It kills me but it is her hair and her choice. My second chooses to keep her long and occaisionally needs to see the scissors come out before she decided it worth it to brush it. I for one will not allow y children to walk around looking neglected and unkept. I know it is a little hting but being tidy in appearance is a big deal to me because i was neglected as a child and I hated never looking like someone cared. So my children have to be neat when we go out. If they choose to have short hair that is thier business.

food - LET IT GO! My children are served meals. If they choose to eat them great. if they don't they may put them in the fridge. They are not allowed to eat after bedtime and if they leave iton the table it gets thrownin the garbage. Sometimes, often the don't eat super but they usually have a very good breakfast and luch and sometimes a snack. They are not ndernurished, under fed or underweight. I am not a short order cook and they do not live off of one or two foods. It all works out in the end.

everything else youjust have to decide if it is important and why. what behavior are your truely seeking to change. It is an outward annoying sort of thing or an inward attitude that needs a nudge in the right direction? Once you have established that then you can decide what to do about it. Never make any descision in the heat of the moment. it doesn't work. When you have aplan you can responmd calmly and matter of factly.
post #147 of 260
Originally Posted by veganmamma
Because DP is still working on some sexism issues and it would drive him bloody insane! :LOL

That's all? I thought I maybe something cultural or religious. But that is a good enough reason for me! :LOL
post #148 of 260
Gosh, how did I miss this fantastic thread?! I"m only halfway through reading it, but have to get going, so wanted to just give my "props" to the wonderful ladies here in the GD forum!!!

The best way to teach good eating habits is by modeling good eating behavior. When I realized my dd wanted to eat french fries, I stopped ordering them for myself. When I realized my dd wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast, I quit eating it for breakfast. When I realized she was wondering what the heck a soda was and why people were always drinking them, I stopped drinking them myself.

The issue here is that you are dealing with the things that you have created. You have taught your daughter to do these things. It's not about GD, it's not about your daughters personality, it's about what you have taught her to do....GD is not about a child doing whatever he/she wants, whenever they want, and however they want. It's about loving your child enough to guide them in a gentle manner. It's about loving them enough to parent them.
I don't know where you came from, lady (I'm guessing the diapering board?) but I have just LOVED reading your posts here. Excellent, excellent advice!

one thing bugs me: letting them scream and not giving in to what they want is cio. HULLOOOOO...? aren't there other ways to reason with your child?
I can sympathize with and comfort my DD during a tantrum without giving her the thing she is tantruming over. So I don't think of it as mean or neglectful. I don't know how others treat screaming/crying but it's something that evokes sympathy and empathy from me. I know how hard it is to not get something we really want (don't we all, whether it's a promotion or an ice cream for breakfast?) and I try to be comforting to DD and validate her feelings. That's the "gentle" part. The "discipline" part is sticking to the decision that caused her to tantrum in the first place.

As said so well by so many others...

are they crying because they are sad or frustrated or angry? Well, again, give them what they need - in this case, hugs, understanding, a soft shoulder. Don't give them the candy bar they are screaming for, but do give them sympathy for the feelings they are experiencing.
I think a false dichotomy has been set up. The choices are not "Give in to screaming" or "Ignore screaming child completely." Responding to a tantrum does not have to mean giving the child the exact thing he or she wanted.

More words of wisdom:

The problem is that you have gotten into an ADVERSARIAL relationship with your child...You try to threaten and control her and she tries to threaten and control you. No surprises there--modeling really works!...So STOP. Just stop. It takes TWO people to engage in a power struggle. If you step out of it, the struggle ends.
I so TOTALLY agree with this. I was a "strong willed child" and I can very well remember the feelings of power struggle that raged within me when my power was taken away from me in situations that were unfair, illogical, or unreasonable to me. It turned me into a child obsessed with independence until the day I moved out of the house. I swore I would not start that with my DD. I know she has it in her to be like I was as a child, but when you don't start the struggle and you are always consistent, there isn't one.

The thing is, most kids who have a rich environment and aren't seeking to binge on TV, won't watch it all day--at least not for long.
I loved this part of your post b/c I struggle with the TV being on alot and worrying that this is bad for DD. But she is so active at home, so many things she plays with and works on while looking up from time to time at the show. And she never gets upset if we have to go out and she needs to turn the TV off...that reassures me that we haven't created an addict.

So we worked with DS - when he wanted something we would put it on a list (yes, I carried it around with me and would actually write it down) Just this step alone helped termendously! I couldn't believe it - just validating his desire helped him remain calm about not getting the item.
This is so cool, graceoc...and I too have found, and it still surprises me, lol...that when I simply validate what DD wants things go so much better. So when she is whining that she wants to play on the computer and I have to say no because the computer is busy doing something DH-work related...instead of just saying "no" I mirror what she is asking for. I say "you want to play on the computer" and she nods, and then I say "we can't play on the computer right now" and explain why. amazingly, it really seems to help alot when she knows that at least she was heard and acknowledged.

what do you think I should do when Valentina is screaming and crying and if I approach her, she will try kicking me? I would love to find a more gentle alternative than screaming back "please stop" and hugs will NOT WORK. I have tried comforting her DURING a tantrum, but it only makes it worse.
Talk gently to her and tell her that you are sorry she is so upset, that you are going to give her some room but you will be right there when she needs you, then stay close by but go about your business, keep an eye on her, and as soon as she is open to it, comfort her and talk about her FEELINGS. This has NOTHING to do with whatever it was she tantrumed about, and it will help her identify her feelings, understand them, process them, recognize them as valid (important for self-esteem), and then eventually you can help her find more appropriate ways to express those emotions (though I think most children just grow out of it as they become more sophisticated in their communication skills.
post #149 of 260
I guess I don't considerit CIO. Tantrums are something children in an effort to convince someone to give them what they want. Or they do it out of frustration which I understand and sypathize with, I occaisionally throw a tantrum out of frustration or they are just trying to embarrass you into getting them what they want (they learn fast - don't think that every tantrum is just an outpouring of unbridaled emotion. many are just an attempt to get the parent to give in. This is obvious when yoiu give in and the tantrum ends suddenly and everything is good again. ) An aware parent will be able to dissern why the child is craying/throwing a fit and be able to go from there. I handle those emotions the same way I handle all others that weren't brought on by trying to get what they want.
post #150 of 260
Originally Posted by Piglet68

I don't know where you came from, lady (I'm guessing the diapering board?) but I have just LOVED reading your posts here. Excellent, excellent advice!
OT -

Awww thanks 16+ years of parenting with Mothering Magazine helps a bit But yah I started over at the Diapering Board when I was desperately seeking some new cds and then sortof wandered around since. It took me awhile to figure out how to do the sub thing. I would post on things and then totally forget about following up later! And I STILL forget to do it.

I really appreciate your saying this though. I enjoy reading your posts
post #151 of 260
Enjoying this post a lot, and it has definitely given me some food for thought in terms of issues around food. I try to respect my daughter as her own person, but find the one area I really have a hard time letting go of is food. I've really encouraged that she needs to eat healthy food to grow and stay healthy, and that she needs to eat all of her dinner before she can anything else, but now I'm going to start playing a bit with relaxing my need to control it all. Just the other day we were at a birthday party, and there was only enough cake for everyone to have one piece, so after her cake, she ate the second half of her veggie dog and some brocoli instead of candy that was laying around! And if she picks something after dinner, sometimes it's cucumber or plain yoghurt - I don't lay out options, but she could just as easily have said ice cream! She's always amazing me!

Haven't really dealt with tantrums, but definitely with frustrations and tears and I do find that just stating and validating the emotions/feelings works. As for siblings, Kea's not really a toddler anymore, but a few things that I find that works: In down times, explaining that Tiegan is a baby and doesn't understand how things work, so she needs to be patient while T. figures it out, and it's also up to her to teach her. We try the trading thing, I try to encourage Kea to be compassionate and giving, and I also say things like "I would never let someone do that to you either, I can't allow you to do that with her" (ie biting or hitting or yanking a toy out of her hand) and just sort of emphasising that Tiegan's a person too, with rights. The giving of a toy and then changing your mind is a tough one, because you don't want to discourage them from being that generous, yet you don't want them to feel they can just take it away. I think it's hard to be "fair" with siblings, and I guess after years of talking about empathy and taking turns, etc, you have to hope it'll sink in!

I have to admit that in my mind it is not okay to take something out of someone's hand, and yet I do occasionally force (ie "do you want to give it back or do you want mom to help you give it back") my kids to give things back (and talk about other ways of negotiating a turn). I have friends who try not to physically force things out of their kids hands, and as much as I understand where they're coming from, my kid has had things taken from her too many times, and then had to stand there really upset about it for 5-10 minutes while the other child was negotiated with, and rarely did the other child willingly give it back. And in the real world, you can't just go up to someone and take anything you want, and threats and punishment are used to get it back if need be(ie fines or police or whatever). If that makes any sense? So anyways, that's a line I use a lot around here: "it's not okay to take it out of so-and-so's hands. I know you want it right now, but you'll just have to wait until she/he's finished with it" How have others dealt with this scenario? Both with playdates, but also with siblings of fairly verbal stages?!
post #152 of 260
I will read this whole thread when I have a minute - but I just want to make a quick book recommendation. Have you read How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk ? I've found it hugely helpful with issues like those you describe - it guides my parenting every day.
post #153 of 260
[QUOTE=loving-my-babies]and all the mamas for VERY gentle parenting, how do you handle tantrums? what do you think I should do when Valentina is screaming and crying and if I approach her, she will try kicking me? I would love to find a more gentle alternative than screaming back "please stop" and hugs will NOT WORK. I have tried comforting her DURING a tantrum, but it only makes it worse.

Ok, Here what I have always done is just stay near by (but not in kicking distance) pick up a book or do some busy work and say "I'll be right here when you want me to give you a hug or play with you" This sometimes elicited an immediate run over for a hug. More likely though there was just more tantruming. I remained calm and waited. I did not try to do much in the way of interacting, but I did not ignore either. If she walked over and hit me, I would move and say "you cannot hit me, even if you are mad at me"
post #154 of 260
i am learning so much, thanks everybody! ds is only 8 mo old, but our time is coming soon enough....

3 questions:

- how do you deal w/ tantrums in public? i can feel a lot of what y'all are saying, but i think this will be one of my biggest challenges. i mean, isn't it reasonable that there are somethings we just don't do in public, like run around naked and throw crazy tantrums? maybe that's not reasonable. i don't know, do any of you have different strategies depending on if you're in public or at home?

- i'm guessing most but not all of you are at-home moms. for those of you who are not, how do you work this out w/ the other caregivers?

- what is TCS?
post #155 of 260
Public Tantrums are not fun, but must be endured by every parent at some time. If you are in a mall or some other very public place you have to remeber that it is just that-- a PUBLIC place and members of the public have to sometimes put up with hearing tantruming child. So just pick your kid up, do whatever absolutely has to get done and then just call it a day. You don't have to be angry with your dc, though you'd be almost superhuman if a little irritation doesn't show.

If public tantrums rarely result in getting what the tantruming child wants, they really do not (for the vast majority of kids) occur very often. For most kids its a sign they are really exhausted and need to be at home. If you "give in" to the tantrum a child would really be kind of stupid not to keep this behavior up, so its reallly your fault if you do so.

As for TCS, it means "Taking Children Seriously". I am sooo not the one to speak about it. I am sure those who feel its right for their families can direct you to some good info though.
post #156 of 260
OK, first I would like to say that I do not believe that not practicing TCS=Not using gentle discipline. Also, I disagree with the notion that bc people are not TCS, that this board is heading in a different direction. FOr a long time, TCS was not even allowed to be discussed here.

Now, on to LMB : First thing that I would recommend is to rule out sensory issues. Children with sensory integration dysfunction can hae really extreme behavior like that. Onlny wanting certain oods(due to texture) not wanting their hair brushed, not wanting diferent clotehs on, etc. Read the OUt of Sync CHild and do the quizzes to see if that is what you are dealing. A qualified occupational therapist can be a godsend if that is the case.

I have a VERY spirited three yo boy. He just turned three in JUne. He has a lot of very curly long hair. Using No More Tangles has helped a lot. For a while, I would sng him a little song while I brushed his hair. I would sing "I love my little boonchy bear, yes I do! I love my little boonchy bear, how about you? I love my little boonchy near all day long! I love my little boonchy bear so Im singing this song!" and it would go on and on with rhyming words at the end of each sentece. he would sit quietlyad listen while I brushed and brushed. Then I started telling him stories about the No More TAngles and the hair brush and their exciting adventures trying to escape the bathroom to go and see the wide wide world (THE KITCHEN!!). With these too, he would sit and sit. Can you braid her hair at night? My mom used to do that with me at night, and I would wake up tangle free.

I have not dealt with tantrums, but my ds has been hitting kicking and pinching. I thin they stem from the same place as tantrums. I talked to is OT about it, and she suggested that wen he is lashing out, saying, "Oh, I see you need to use your muscles! Lets figure out how you can" and then give some paly doh, or do a wheel barrow walk, or even have him push the wall. Just tell her, I need this room to be bigger, can you help me push this wall out? I would also really recommend that she get alot of heavy work throughout the day. Playdoh, jumping on a trampoline, hanging on the bars, etc. Make a crash pad-take two larg flat sheets and sew or pin them together. FIll te inside with foam pieces, like the leftovers from an upholstery shop. WHen she is getting upset, have her go jump on it, and tell her she can jump her angries out on it. The other night, my two boys were strating to really fight I took hem on a walk around the block. One boy rode his scooter, another rode his bike and the other rode his trike. They were so engaged with their work, that they didnt argue anymore
Also, with my guy I have found that structure and limits are wonderful. We were having a lot of food issues. My rule is that we eat three times a day and have three snacks in between. If he doesnt like what we are eating, he may have bread and butter or a bowl of cereal. If he doesnt eat, he may get down, but that will be the last food until the next meal or snack. We have just really implemented that his past week, but he is eating much much better already. And when he eats better, he is nicer. Also, I have fine tuned bedtime down to a science. If we stick to it, he goes to bed at the same time every night, and that really helps his temperment.
post #157 of 260
Originally Posted by guerrillamama
i am learning so much, thanks everybody! ds is only 8 mo old, but our time is coming soon enough....

3 questions:

- how do you deal w/ tantrums in public? i can feel a lot of what y'all are saying, but i think this will be one of my biggest challenges. i mean, isn't it reasonable that there are somethings we just don't do in public, like run around naked and throw crazy tantrums? maybe that's not reasonable. i don't know, do any of you have different strategies depending on if you're in public or at home?
I don't feel that it's fair of me to inflict my child's screaming on other people. Thankfully, it's been a loooonnng time since she's had a tantrum in public, though. However, that said, I've picked up and left full carts of groceries we really needed and simply exited the store. (Sorry to the clerks who had to put it all back... : ) I've left restaurants where I was having a pleasant dinner with my family and have sat out in a car with her until the tantrum was over, or I've gone home. I basically do a 180 when that happens and *leave.*
post #158 of 260
Originally Posted by Fianna
Now, if anyone has any great suggestions for the most appropriate way to deal with a 5-yr-old who has just started kindergarten and who comes home after a long day and has had so much stimulation that she is hyper, argumentative, and prone to strong mood swings? This is a brand new area for us and I want to handle it the best way I can. I wasn't very good about it yesterday and had to do some apologizing for my short temper. I asked her to come up with some ideas to help her decompress in the afternoons and we will write some of them down this afternoon when I pick her up from school. But if anyone has BTDT and has some great suggestions, I'm all ears!
Well, I don't know how strong your back is or how light your child is, but what works for us (and my 32-lb 3.5 yo) is carrying her around for awhile in the Maya Wrap. I think because it's an "ancient" feeling for her (she was slung from the moment she was born) and because it hugs her all over, it allows her to decompress when she's fussy, overtired, and cranky.
post #159 of 260
Originally Posted by SaveTheWild
To me that is not a choice at all. It is very thinly veiled punishment. I agree with (was is veganmamma) who said it is a choice between doing something and not, and losing love for it. A choice would be, why don't you choose what to wear out of these outfits (or, even better, just let them choose what to wear. Having you kid look "nice" is almost always all about the paren't need to appear a certain way to others, and very rarely about the kid.
Allow me to point out, though, that there are certain events (weddings, funerals, etc.) where looking a particular way shows respect and consideration to other people and goes beyond the desire of the child to wear what they choose. There are certain situations where wearing something is crucial (e.g., shoes).

Not every situation will necessitate an approach like this; in fact, I think that this would be a response you'd use on rare occasions only. Allow me to point out that the OP was having frequent problems with establishing reasonable limits and sometimes a hardline approach is necessary.

Moreover, as I pointed out (although for some odd reason, you chose not to quote this), the choice IS a genuine one. I honestly have no idea what you mean by losing love for the choice. The choice is left up to the child.

Again, this is not a choice at all.
***See what I said above. Most of the time, it's not a big deal. However, there are certain times (such as the ones I listed above) when it is and you need to have some kind of response that does not involve shouting, demeaning, or time-out (which is useless for our DD).

Nope not a choice.

Again, allow me to point out that it is definitely a choice. Toys on the floor are a safety issue, particularly in the middle of the night. Having almost broken my leg tripping over my dd's castle (and having had my dd almost do the same thing), this is not a frivolous issue. Toys on the floor during the day are fine and not a problem; toys at night are.

In presenting her with this choice, I leave the responsibility of putting the toys away into her hands or mine -- as it should be. Teaching a child to put away his or her toys is part and parcel of teaching them to be responsible as adults with their belongings. Otherwise, I strongly believe you teach them that mommy will pick up everything and take care of everything.

Unfortunately, as a teacher I've seen kids with this essential attitude -- that if they forget their notebook/lose their book / don't study / don't come equipped, it's everyone else's fault. (I teach high school, FWIW.) I admit that this has given me a particularly short fuse for tolerating this behavior and since other people's experiences may have been different, perhaps their tolerance is greater. Moreover, maybe their standards are different. However, it is inaccurate to say that it is not a choice.

again, not a choice.
I don't know if you think I bluff. I don't. It is a choice. It's a choice because it's a choice for everyone -- if I do not eat *my* dinner, I will go to bed hungry.

That said, I don't serve my dd things I know she doesn't like. If we're eating something not to her taste, I make sure she has items available that *will* be, or prepare a separate portion with the objectionable element removed. Moreover, I don't harp on making her clean her plate or eat a certain amount. When I was a kid, my mother knew I hated shrimp Creole (those damned shrimp looked like worms in blood sauce to me and STILL do) and she'd make me eat it every time :Puke . I wasn't allowed to do any of the following:

1. Not eat it
2. Not eat
3. Eat only the rice or side dishes
4. Eat something else made by her
5. Eat something else made by me.

To me, when you offer only one option, that is truly not a choice, but again, perhaps we differ on our mutual understanding of the word "choice." I don't believe that a person need enjoy all of the options equally for it to be a "choice." It might be a choice between Scylla and Charibdis, but it is a choice.

I am strongly against turning a parent into a short-order cook, but I also admit my fuse is short on this point. I've dealt with many children who used food as a control issue and their parents kowtowed to their every whim.

As a side note, we've seen extreme versions of these parents on "Oprah" during sweeps week -- they're the kind with the three-year-old who eats two Big Macs with supersized fries and a milkshake for every meal and now suffers the same heart and cholesterol problems as a sixty-year-old. Quite often, their "defense" to the horrified audience will be things like, "But s/he won't eaaaaat anything eeellllllllllllllse!"

By no means do I think any parent, including mine, should pull what I think of as the shrimp Creole maneuver. I think they should serve healthy, appealing meals to their child, but at that point, I think their job is done. Otherwise, I think many parents fall into the trap of being a short-order cook -- and however much you might respect your child, generally speaking, they cannot be relied on as well as parents to develop a sound nutritional food plan.

Let me reiterate one more time, however, that if they decide not to eat the healthy, appealing food you've placed in front of them, it IS a choice. They might not like all the alternatives, but again, it does not prevent it from being a choice.

Thank you for allowing me to respectfully disagree with your assessment.
post #160 of 260
Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
Let me reiterate one more time, however, that if they decide not to eat the healthy, appealing food you've placed in front of them, it IS a choice. They might not like all the alternatives, but again, it does not prevent it from being a choice.
Why can't they eat something else? Yogurt, for example, or a handful of nuts, a piece of fruit - something that they can get for themselves that is still healthy but doesn't mean mom or dad getting up?

The way I see it, I get to choose what I want for dinner (because I do the cooking)... maybe ds doesn't feel like having that. Let's face it - there are times when we all just don't want to eat a particular thing. That's part of the reason why we choose to make for dinner the things that we do, instead of something else. Even things that I *know* ds likes very much, he'll sometimes not want to eat when he says he's hungry and I suggest it. You are assuming that what you've made is appealing to them (because they like to eat it sometimes), but it may not be appealing to them that night. I don't think it's really fair for me to assume that because my son usually likes a food that he'll want to eat it whenever I make it. I mean, I love pizza, but sometimes I don't always want to eat it.

If he wants something else and it doesn't require more work for me and is still reasonably healthy (probably more healthy than him just eating the rice out of whatever I've cooked), why should I say no or make him go hungry? That's me controlling him - telling him that he doesn't have the right to his preferences, even when it's no skin off my teeth to honor those preferences. To force him to make a choice between either eating what he doesn't want to eat or not eating at all may be a "choice" in the most literal sense of the word, but it's not what most people would consider a legitimate choice. It's a lose-lose situation. You may as well not give the choice at all.
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