4 year olds and grief

[NatalieS]

My MIL had been living with us for 6 months. She has suffered from mental illness her whole life. She killed herself last month.

My husband and I have our grief and our sadness that we are doing pretty good with: we're talking a lot and going to go in for counceling in the next few weeks.

I am wondering how our four year old is dealing with this. I don't know what is her just acting out and what is her being sad or angry. I know it's a new thing to adjust to- having grandma gone and even just the stress of that will affect her. And the stress of seeing us grieving and hearing us talk thru things.

I'm hoping that someone has good advice and can help me look for signs of her grief so I can be sensitive. She has been quite a pill lately but then again, she always has been fiesty!

Thanks...

[applejuice]

When I was six years old, I was the oldest of four girls.

My sisters were four, two and eight months.

The two year old died. She was slightly ill. I recall that she laid down, fell asleep and died. She just never woke up.

Both of my parents dealt with their loss by inappropriate behavior (alcohol). My Father stopped soon enough as he needed to work, but my mom never stopped.

We moved to our family dream home within nine months. My mom had another girl five months after the move. I had just started first grade.

Life went on, it seems.

Mostly I am telling you this because I just want you to know that I wanted some one to talk to to work out my grief - to put the tragedy in some kind of perspective - I needed to TALK to someone! In my case, no one of any significance was there. I finally did put the event into a certain perspective.

In your case, I would suggest that you just let your DD know that she can talk about her Grandmother any time she wants and let her share her memories. Draw, talk, do art, write, about her memories, and validate her feelings. She needs to know what she feels is normal. It is a loss for her also.

[Ms. Mom]

NatalieS, I'm so very sorry for your loss

It's so hard to deal with our childrens grief when we too are greiving.

When my father commited suiside over 3 years ago my son was 6 and my daughter 3. I remember the days morning I got the call and telling my son. We talked about it a lot. My daughter seemed a bit frightened by my grief, but I don't think she understood that grandpa was dead. It took her several years to 'grow into it'. But, we talked.

My son acted out a lot after his death and we dealt with a lot of anger. It was a true process to work through it all. My daughter acted out too, but I think it was more out of confussion and seeing mom so sad.

I totally agree with NM and being honest with your child about what has hapend and your grief. I think your children beneift by seeing you greive, knowing it's OK to feel sad and seeing you move through it.

Applejuice, how sad that nobody talked to you. You were so young and must have been so confussed I think your point about talking is so important and you worded it so beautifully.

[L.J.]

My son was 5 when my dad died. At the time he had a lot of questions which I answered openly & honestly. He periodically asks more questions & as he gets older, he wants more information. I keep providing what he asks for.

It's tough to deal with your loss and grief & also your child's, but I think just being open is best.