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My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend:

post #1 of 100
8/8/04 at 9:46pm
Thread Starter 
Well I need to just vent a little bit here but my son just turned 18 last month and though everything couldn't be better but I was very wrong today. I still have no idea he even felt this way. I feel like I failed him badly. He was saying in his letter stuff from middle school and high school about he couldn't bare living his entire life with people like these. He was always so sensitive and always got picked on and beatup. Even after moving him into gifted schools they still had asswholes there. He was offered a full ride to a NASA training school and a free education. It just seemed like everything was in the past and his future looked damn good in that I would love to have what he could have had. They were going to pay him 80 thousand for each of his first four years of training with NASA and who knows what he could have had after that. I just can't see what I did wrong.

I just can't stop thinking that I just overlooked every hint he could have tried to give me because I thought that this NASA thing would change everything. I just wanted something better for him all my life. I wanted him to have a better life than I had and a better life than what he currently has had.

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post #2 of 100
8/8/04 at 9:51pm
Oh, Mama, I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to say and let you know my prayers will be with you and your family.
post #3 of 100
8/8/04 at 9:55pm
I don't have the words
post #4 of 100
8/8/04 at 10:03pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot think of anything wise with which to console you. My thoughts are with you and your family.
post #5 of 100
8/8/04 at 10:08pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks and my wife is just not crying and I don't know how to help her but just be with her. I've been taking her out for dinners and such to just get both of us out but besides that she just stays in our sons room and just cries all night and falls asleep on his bed. Oh and I didn't exactly say this the way I should have but he took his life over a week ago and I only found the letter today. I know its mostly current because he was talking about NASA which we only found out about not more than 2 months before he took his life. I just don't know what to do and even the experts we've seen just really don't make much difference right now. What they tell us is stuff we have known from the start. We have been getting upset about this as well because we ended up paying over 100 dollars per hour for this stuff.

Right now I've been taking care of our almost 14 year old who is just like our lost one at this age and he is just up in his own place and I'm very worried about this and all the experts say is this is normal for him and he should be fine and I don't trust them. He just seems very agressive lately and very short tempered. I thinking of sending him to my parents but don't know if thats good or bad. I don't want him to feel we don't love him or want him but I feel I have to seperate him from this and allow him to heal from this. I just can't lose another kid and I feel he is heading in that direction. My younger boy looked upto his brother so much and it just scares me to think of his life without someone to look upto. I swear it can't get any worse but it just doesn't feel this way.
post #6 of 100
8/8/04 at 10:09pm
I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
post #7 of 100
8/8/04 at 10:38pm
I am so very sorry for your loss.
post #8 of 100
8/8/04 at 10:52pm
I am so sorry.
post #9 of 100
8/8/04 at 11:28pm
so sorry for your loss :
post #10 of 100
8/8/04 at 11:38pm
I'm so sorry. *hug*
post #11 of 100
8/8/04 at 11:48pm
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Keep you 14 yr old in sight. Hug and cry together. Stay true to your instincts no matter what some "professional" tells you.
My great-aunt lost her brillant son, almost same sinario. She told me not to ever ignor my instinct.
post #12 of 100
8/9/04 at 12:41am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electra375
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Keep you 14 yr old in sight. Hug and cry together. Stay true to your instincts no matter what some "professional" tells you.
My great-aunt lost her brillant son, almost same sinario. She told me not to ever ignor my instinct.
I did what you said before he went to bed and he is really in bad shape. He was at the age where is wasn't cool to cry infront of his dad type of thing but he cried in my arms for over an hour and ended up getting himself sick. I don't think he has a cold or the flu but he ended up blowing chunks all over the floor and I'm not sure what to think of this. That just doesn't seem normal adjusting but I could be wrong. He's sleeping now but I'm pretty sure he will wake up with a nightmare tonight like the last several nites so its hard for me to sleep between my wife and the son. I have to keep this family going and I haven't been able to let go and act how I feel except for this board and I just don't know how much longer I can help them because this goes way beyond what I know.

I checked his temp and he was normal so should I be worried about him getting sick.
post #13 of 100
8/9/04 at 2:25am
My guess is that his throwing up was just part of his reaction to the grief he is experiencing. Our bodies will sometimes vomit in times of extreme stress, emotional and/or physical.

I am so sorry for your loss!
I am thinking of you and your family.
post #14 of 100
8/9/04 at 3:09am
I'm so very sorry.

Please, keep searching for a therapist or religious leader until you find out that you, your wife and your son are comfortable with. You will need help to get through this.

post #15 of 100
8/9/04 at 3:38am
Thread Starter 
I knew I would need help for my family but its nice to know that I'm not the only one thinking that my family needs help. I figured the vomiting had something to do with extreme stress but he was almost asleep in my lap and stopped crying for about 10 minutes and I was almost going to put him in his bed and he just got sick. It just took me by suprise because I honestly thought he was asleep. Oh and I'm posting now because he's currently moaning in his sleep so I'm staying close by and awake so I can be there if he cries out later in the night. I ended up having to quit my job for now and thank god I had a very good savings built up in my life or I would be in very bad shape right now. Even if I'm not working I still need sleep and I can't get it for days at a time. My kid is having nightmares all night and my boy is hyper as all get out in the afternoon while my wife is either crying all morning and afternoon or off and on that I can never get too sleep for more than an hour without getting waken up over something.

At least now I know why some of the other kids that are friends of both my sons always say they would love me to be their dads. I'm a pretty good guy and try to be there but eventually I can't keep this going or I'll burn myself out completely. I'll be calling my doctors and insurance company to get a list of some places we all could go for help to get through this but at least for now we have been fighting with the insurance company over what and who they will cover for how many visits and god knows what else. Its been hell the last week. I can't believe insurance companies can be like this after what happened to us. They say they will cover my boy for everything but they won't cover us for everything. They will cover all of us for certain types of visits and only for certain centers. It shouldn't be this hard. I almost sware they make it this hard so people will give up and they don't have to pay.
post #16 of 100
8/9/04 at 8:54am
I am so sorry to hear about your loss in your family. Hugs to you and your family.
post #17 of 100
8/9/04 at 9:22am
Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. What a devastating thing for your family to have to go through. I want to offer something constructive, but I'm not sure I can.

Are the professionals you're talking with trained in grief counseling? If not, I'd try and look for someone who is. I fired my therapist after my son died because she just didn't understand enough about the grief process to help me out.

Have you contacted any bereavement groups such as compassionate friends? Here is their website: compassionate friends

Also, is there any way you and your family might be able to take a short trip out of town? When I lost my son, my dh, mom and s-dad went to the caribbean for a week and although it was hard to leave, it did give us a little breathing room and a different environment to process our loss in. The sun and the sea was a bit healing.

Please take care of yourself while you're in the midst of supporting your family. I'm so sorry.
ST
post #18 of 100
8/9/04 at 12:40pm
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dear son. I too, would suggest finding a support group or therapist in your area to help you and your family through this time of loss and grief.

My first dh died by suicide in 2000. Shortly after his death, I began attending a SOS (Survivors of Suicide) support group. It was comforting to hear that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings. They are a national group, so you might want to check to see if there are any groups in your area. Also, I had nightmares for months and something that worked for me was a treatment called EMDR. This is done with a therapist and it helped me finally sleep and it also helped with my PTSD.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please feel free to come here and talk as you feel the need.

Warmly~

Lisa
post #19 of 100
8/9/04 at 1:06pm
I think having your son fall asleep after crying with you is a good thing. I think that his vomiting is a reaction to the stresses of everything going on. He needs to know that Mom and Dad are hurting too. Grief happens in stages(from the best my memory has): shock, anger, sadness, coming to terms with it. BTW, my sons will get sick from crying, as well as myself and my mother.

I would highly suggest family counceling through a church, these services are usually free of charge to anyone in the community. You haven't mentioned anything about religion, but I know that medium to large Chrisitan Churches do have these services to anyone asking for them (at least in our community). If you are of another faith, then search within that religion.

IMO, death (in any circumstance) is spiritual and a secular counselor isn't prepared to handle spiritual matters.

Please don't leave your son alone. It is pressing on my heart that he needs you (and I don't know why, I don't even know you). Men don't talk much about things that bother then in general, but maybe your son will open up to you and the two of you can grieve together and then help your wife.

I think about my own sons and can't imagine the pain; but I have held my hugs with them a little longer and looked more deeply into their tiny faces.

You and your family are in my prayers.
post #20 of 100
8/9/04 at 2:19pm
I cannot imagine losing a child, it would just kill me inside out. I am so very sorry. God sometimes I just do not get it, I have no words of wisdom for I too do not understand.
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Personal Growth & Spirituality  › Grief and Loss › My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: